Hoover lessons--The depressive hoover?

In the past, Ive fallen and almost been flattered by N's hoover attempts after abandoning our relationship out of the blue. Again and again. In some sick way I was happy I was some type of after thought. THis time, though..after reeling me in so high..and promising me and my daughter a family life, reeling me in and vanishing again, with just a simple " good luck." I do not find it flattering.

I havent looked at an old meial of mine in over a week. AndI did yesterday. Closed one email, blocked him from another I use for work and school. I assume he knows he is blocked. SO I received a message text from his phone in my email instead.

My N gets depressive, cries..rages..then devalues and dumps. He is a depressive narcissist. Who then gets his kicks off of a new high..a new woman..until he still finds himself raging depressed and unhappy. Ive fallen for his depressive act as a hoover.

His messages yesterday read "No matter what happens to e know I am glad I met you in this life." Obviously I didnt respond and this was sent days before I saw it. There were others, "You were loved. This was your choice. But no matter what happens to me know I needed you in this life."

It went on and on. In the past after months of abandonment I would respond to this and it would start again. Or hed hoover by being jealous. Etc. Its depression or rage.He would threaten suicide, or would whine he hated his life needed me. Then promises...of big purchases for me..whichever I would respond to.

Funny thing.. I finally had the courage to pick up the box of my things he sent to my PO box. And yes,I cried. And yes it hurt to open it. SEe all of our things. only that week he was insisting on hanging up our photos...he even sent the robe with his initials on it to me. It was a joke having matching robes in our snowed in new england dream home. What a joke. It was cruel for all of that to be sent so quickly to me. I opened it and thru out most of it, except for my personal items.

Now mentally unpacking the pain. And I am proud that I did not reply to the hoover this time around. I dont feel flattered. He certainly didnt care when he put up "our" home for sale, and left me having to figure out where I would go again when we were planning my move to him just that week. He didnt care the 1st time when he kicked me out of bed and had me leave.after a night of sex and undying love..as I drove for 7 hours home crying and confused. He moved on happily until I stopped begging for answers.
he didnt care the two other times he proposed, made plans...begged me to elope quick...then dropped me just as I started to believe him.

So, his depressive games..are games. When he dumped me and I cried and cried he told me coldly, he was "happy and moving to the beach, but good luck." After just flying up to our new home and spending the weekend being promised the world and then raged at..watching his depression unhurl itself at me. And after his cold end to all he promised. The wedding plans, the promises to my child. All to be a carefree bachelor again. Ha. After being discarded like this 5 times!

I am proud I am seeing the hoover for what it is. I guess I still felt a satisfaction thinking he feels something? But he does not. Talking my heart into believing it. At least my head knows whats going on this time. He wants attention and im not crying and begging him like in the past.

Ive changed my reaction. I also see I spent most of the time adoring this man, trying to "build him up" as he told me he needed. Validating him, trying to calm him from rages, and trying to get him to see someone for his depression. IT was...about him. He built up a dream image for me and I held on to our good times. I miss those good times still. BUt Im making progress.