How did your N react to your tears?

As painful as it is to realize how cold, heartless and without empathy all of our narcs are, it is so validating to know we've all experienced the same from them through our tears. For the most part, my relationship with narc was alright, his abuse and control was covert, generally we were very compatible and had fun together. THAT was the hard part for me to reconcile since the final D&D. THAT was what left an ounce of doubt in me to cause moments of anxiety or worry that it was really I who was not healthy enough to be in a good relationship, or that had 'ruined' it somehow. Yet whenever I felt sad and it had to do with him, showed him my tears or tried to express any pain I felt from his distance, his withholding, his 'need to take a break' from me, his ever changing mind and focus, his emotional abandonment or silent treatment - he acted as if I was his enemy to be crushed further. He'd accuse me of manipulating him, of needing to have more faith, of being unfair to HIS needs, of telling me he 'told me so', that the pain was my own doing, that I needed to be happy within, have less expectations, not rely on others for my happiness... blah blah blah I tried so hard to be fair to HIM, yet he was NEVER fair with me. Thanks for starting this thread VNM. Not having empathy is the number one trait of the most dangerous personality disorders and the best validation for removing the very last bit of doubt we might still question, that keeps us in caring mode for them, before ourselves. Journey on...

When I cried about something not related with him, he smiled and he seemed happy. For example, my brother's wife miscarried and I was really sad, and the narc hugged me, touched my head and he said while he smiled "you will be an aunt sooner or later" I wasn't crying just because I wasn't going to be an aunt, that was not about me, it was about the baby and my brother and his wife. I couldn't understand why he was smiling. That was the first time he saw me crying. But when we were fighting about something and I started to cry, he raged. I told him that he was abusing me 'cause he was yelling at me and insulting me. And he said I was treating him the same way with my tears. WTH?

Mine would show no emotion but pretend to comfort me, go through the motions, wipe my tears. Reminded me of a parent trying to calm child like something you have to do. Tears were because of his impossible behaviorand Constantly holding me at bay emotionally...

I think it is typical since lack of empathy is one of their biggest characteristics. The Narc responded to my tears as if he was made of stone. Once I started crying while we were arguing in his truck. He literally got out of the truck, took his bike out of the back, and proceeded to take a spin around the park (Fuc**n Jerk!). Another time after i had lost my job of 8 years and sat next to him crying he looked straight ahead at the television as if I wasn't even there. Those are the red flags I regret missing everyday. Instead of making excuses for him and his behavior I should have known that was not normal and he was not the one for me. WE LIVE, WE LEARN....

There was a little bit of drama when we started dating (not between us though). Then when I cried he would hug me and cheer me up. Later in our relationship (about 3 months later) he started being cold as ice. If I cried or was upset he would just stare at me, totally blank. He didn't even comfort me when I asked him too! (And I felt so pathetic having to ask him to comfort me) I didn't understand why it didn't affect him when I was upset or crying. Even in my lowest times, feeling the worst - I could see that it didn't affect him in any way. No sympathy, just blank.

I was first told he was sorry he had hurt me, but the apology was so lame I was left with the distinct impression that he was just saying anything to get me to get lost while he went off with the OM. After that, I was told that he was mystified as to the strength of my feelings, and that (after telling me my existing relationship was screwed and that me and my partner were wrong for each other) it was clear that me and my partner belonged together. In short, he just wanted me to get out of his way while he had fun with the OM. Of course when it all blew up in his face, suddenly he was back to wanting to spend time with me.

Mine loved my tears at first (he of course had caused them with his manipulative lying and general devious behavior). He said if he could "he would catch my tears and put them in his pocket to save them forever," and "that he always wanted me to show him my feelings." Yet later, once he "had me" he would become angry when he said something that made me sad enough to cry and threaten to hang up the phone or say that maybe we should break up "if this is hurting me so much because I obviously don't understand his life and how hard things are for him even though I said I do..." It's all a manipulation I guess.

Mine always stared at me as if I had blood coming to my eyes....he would say..oh wow you always seem so mean (or something to that effect ) but when you cry you always seem so soft....It makes me think you do love me. It was always weird.

With contempt. He made me cry then called me needy and hysterical for doing so. They assume our tears are fake and designed to manipulate, as are theirs.

Xnh always got angry at me whenever I cried. He would tell me, "Knock it off. You're just being dramatic to get your way, and now I'll make sure you don't get it." The Flaming Asshole. This was pure projection on xnh's part. HE cried to get his way. When I cried, it was because I was really hurt (either emotionally or physically) or I was very upset. Xnh was really nasty when I cried (for any reason). The day I got out of the hospital from an emergency appendectomy (my appendix were rupturing as the surgery started), xnh told me, "Oh knock it off. It doesn't hurt THAT bad" when I tears rolling down my face trying to get into the car. Like HE would know how bad it hurt, the dirt bag. He'd been off vacationing in Spain during my entire hospital experience, and finally arrived home, at his leisure, pretending he was the "hero" coming to rescue me (the hospital would not release me to go home all alone - they wanted another "adult" there with me). After the surgery, it was incredibly painful standing up or walking,and I'd just been in the hospital for four days. Thank GOD for my sister and my friends getting me to the hospital or I would have been in really serious jeopardy. Xnh was certainly NOWHERE around. HE was off having fun. I had stitches and staples all through my abdomen. Was xnh the slightest bit concerned about me (his wife)? Oh HELL no. After he finally came to get me released from the hospital, xnh made me wait in the car on the way home, outside his ex-wife's house for almost an hour, so that HE could have his kids on his day. Xnh had serious control issues about NOT letting his ex-wife have his kids on HIS days. He didn't really want to be with the kids, but he also did NOT want his ex-wife to have them either. It was a power play for xnh. Never mind that on the day I got out out the hospital, the youngest daughter was already very sick with strep throat (and xnh KNEW it before he ever picked her up). Xnh put his sick kid in the car with me, took us out to our house, and then HE went off to work leaving me to babysit his sick kid with staples and stitches. So much for an "adult" being there with me. A week later, I came down with strep throat as well as trying to recover from surgery. There's nothing quite like coughing, having a sore throat, and barfing when you're sewed together from a surgical procedure (oh AND taking care of xnh's sick four year old along with it all). Xnh's comment when I started crying about all of this was, "Well, YOU'RE both sick anyway, and *I* have to work because I just used a bunch of vacation." According to xnh, I was just being a big, dramatic baby and he told me to "knock it off" whenever I started crying. Xnh is so self-centered it's beyond believe to me. There is not a shred of empathy in him. God, I'm SO glad to be rid of xnh. What a LOSER!!

The ex-Psych prof once said this when he had gotten me upset&crying in class. It was because of something he had read in "War and Peace" that says that Princess Maria Bolkonsky looks more beautiful when she's in tears. He'd just stand there, watching. During the final D&D, I'd be crying, and he'd- 1)Rage MORE. Despite the fact his inexplicable anger had hurt me in the first place. 2)Stand there coldly, blankly, saying, "I am CONTROLLING my feelings." 3)Smiling and enjoying it. During the final D&D, I'd be publicly sobbing, in front of my classmates (and his colleagues) Of course, he accused me of putting on an act. He'd say coldly "I see you're struggling" and "I'm not worth your tears, stop crying over me." With NORMAL men, a woman's tears lowers his testosterone&he has the urge to comfort the woman. I think with Ns/Ps, it HEIGHTENS the testosterone&makes him more aggressive. I NEVER told the ex-P that during the final D&D that I was crying myself to sleep, because that would've made him feel more powerful. I didn't cry when I met his girlfriend at the concert;I was very staid&serene with her. (He glared&retreated on that one) But when I went back to my dorm, I wept. I was sad&angry he hadn't told me about her. What drove the ex-P absolutely nuts is when I stopped crying in public. I didn't cry at my senior oral examination;I didn't cry at graduation. A friend of mine said that during breakups, women cry and men drink beer. I was crying. He was drinking LOTS of beer.

N would always get mad at me if I started crying. N: "oh now you're crying AGAIN?! Stop it!! Don't play the victim! You're always crying!!!!" (not true, I didn't cry all the time) N hates it when I walk away without being dismissed first. He likes to dismiss me. If I say: "I'm going now", he'll stop me and make sure that he is the one who decides when I walk away. One day I said "bye" and walked away real quickly because I was about to start crying and I didn't want him to yell at me for crying in his presence. N: "Come back!!! Why do you walk away like that?!?" me: "Because I am about to start crying and you get mad when I cry." N: "(......wahwahwah.......)" But one time, and one time only, I was crying and N came back later to COMFORT me. It was so awkward. It was already two hours past my crying and he came back to me and wrapped his arms around me, while patting my back and saying 'there.... there....sssshhh' . I was not even crying anymore!!! LOL i was secretly laughing, because it was so AWKWARD! hahaha

could not handle any tears of mine which was rare, i was crying at his place one time and he came in to the room and said for me to shape up and be grateful for what i had and never once comforted me in any fashion, ho hug, holding, nothing, they cannot take any emotions they are incapable of except in himself, as he bawled his eyes out to me when his dog died over the phone......emotionally shut down, frozen...thye see it as a sign of weakness, vulernable

My N would yell at me more if I cried. Call me pathetic and he would see it as a form of manipulation. They are so freaking weird! On the other hand my normal boyfriend prior would comfort me, and if he saw me crying he would start to cry.

My N would yell at me more if I cried. Call me pathetic and he would see it as a form of manipulation. They are so freaking weird! On the other hand my normal boyfriend prior would comfort me, and if he saw me crying he would start to cry.

In my case, the N viewed tears as a form of manipulatition. If i was crying for a reason not related to him, he felt "controlled into" consoling me. If it was related to him, then it was control on my part to try to change his bevaviour. Either way, he never saw the tears as a sign of distress or a call "i need you" but rather as yet again a twisted mind game. Exhausting.

if he was being nasty to me he would say I was crying to manipulate him however if i was crying over something non Narc related then it was Ok for me to cry... once I apologized for crying and he said if you cant cry to me who can you cry to. so I said well you said I cry to manipulate...and he said that was a different situating entirely. they are so twisted.

I believe that they KNOW they are dysfunctional, and can not feel normal feelings like we do. And for us to have the ability to feel and express those feelings as healthy humans..makes them feel inferior, and they rage out of ENVY..the NPDs calling card. XXOO

Short Dick Man would smile triumphantly when I cried. He felt glad. Winning!

I think so. He did this to me as well towards the ending of the narlationship. They despise weakness. I think mine got off on me crying.