How long does CD last?

You are making contact.. This is your problem.. Nothing will change until you stop your behavior.. I was discarded the same way.. You are clearly not accomplishing anything by contacting him.. Closure is not going to happen.. Focus on how to change your behavior.. Hunter

for you to consider with regard to your constant CD. It is related to your not going completely No Contact. By e-mailing, calling, texting, leaving messages, etc. etc. you are re-creating the D & D of two months ago. You are putting yourself in a constant state of D & D because each time you call or email to tell him off and you are met with his complete silence, you are again being D & D'd. Each time we reach out to the source of our torment even if it is to tell them what a lowlife piece of shit they are, we hand them a golden opportunity to D & D us again with their total lack of response or in the opposite rage or calling the cops, like your's did. So please try to look at your hanging onto your "need" to tell him off is also creating an opportunity for him to continually D & D you by not responding. Therefore you are in this constant state of anguish and unfulfilled "need." He doesn't have that much power, Skb. Truly he doesn't. He doesn't have the kind of power you want to give him. He just doesn't. YOU HAVE ALL THE POWER. LETTING GO IS TAKING YOUR POWER BACK. STOPPING ALL CONTACT even if it is to tell him off TAKES THE POWER AWAY FROM HIM AND GIVES IT RIGHT BACK TO YOU WHERE IT BELONGS. I hope this helps. It is a horrible struggle. I have been there and lived it. But you must realize that each time you contact him to tell him off you are still showing him how much power he has in your life, and it is what is keeping you stuck. TAKE THE POWER AWAY FROM HIM. IT'S ALL YOURS! Hugs to you and hang in there. Sincerely, (not) spinning. BECAUSE I'M 100 PERCENT TOTAL AND COMPLETE NO CONTACT FOR GOOD AND FOREVER

You are very welcome. I read and reread the same email from my mother every morning in order to stay NC. I encourage you to focus on one thing at a time. And that is just NC. Don't try to get your life back or be mad at yourself for being weak or unable to be happy or "normal" and understand what your friends understand about this guy or whatever. Just focus on not talking to him. no matter what. again, you will want to and it will be horrible to do - just like getting off drugs or drinking is - as this is an addiction. but it is this response where you make you first empowered choice - and it is the feelings and thoughts that come from going NC that will fuel your getting your true life back! trust me, I know I sound like I'm speaking gibberish to you right now. but it's true.

I know how you feel. It is awful and it seems unbearable and you can't possibly understand or believe that it will get better and the idea of never talking or speaking to him again in any way sounds insane. what everyone is saying on here is, as I echo everyone, 100 percent right. You leave voicemails and write letters and send emails. what are you hoping for? you must stop asking for your life back from the very person you seeks to destroy it. or trying to get validation from the very person who wants to tear you down. you will never get him to acknowledge reality. you will never get him to understand what he did to you. you will never get him to care. in order for the cd to go away and move from this hellish nightmarer you are in, you must accept that - sucks, believe me I know, but it will help. you can do it!

You will get your life back with nc. Sending letters and emails, leaving vm is not nc. I suggest keep writing letter and emails, BUT under no circumstances do you send them. Don't call-EVER! No Texting, Block his number. You could even go so far as to delete his number from your phone. Get on the Path Forward NOW! You don't have to tell him anything else. He knows how you feel he just doesn't care. Set yourself free by going nc. You deserve it! ((hugs))

I lasted for me until I learnt to accept! I no longer blamed him for everything and accepted that I ALLOWED IT! My lack of love for myself allowed me to allow the abuse! With this acceptance that I was blame, came forgiveness to myself! I forgive myself for allowing the abuse, and can now move on! I have taken what has happened to me as a lesson learnt to never love anyone more than myself and I was not born to be anyone's doormat! Plain and simple!

I agree with the others - NC is the most tried and true effective way of starting the journey back to yourself. It's difficult. It's painful. Sometimes it feels like you're dying. Wanting to contact him doesn't automatically go away once you make the decision never to contact him again. But it's only in cutting him off that the fog starts to lift, little by little, and you can see him and the relationship more clearly for what they really were. Not only that, but the sense of accomplishment you feel in sticking to your guns and putting yourself first is self-perpetuating and makes you stronger every day. You can do it!

I too am no expert but he doesn't CARE that you're upset, he won't CARE that you're angry or that you know he lied. The more hurt you show, the better he feels. He's happy that you still think of him constantly, that you're so hurt by his absence and the thought of losing him is so unbearable. You CAN'T let him win. I know you've found out what he's like but he won't see it that way, he'll just relish in your pain. As my ex once told me with a smile after he saw my pain "you couldn't bear it if we broke up". I still obsess, look up his exes, look him up on fb, and worst of all - think about him. But he will never ever know about this. Take care but your biggest weapon against.him I promise is indifference x

Dear Skb - NC is closure. They are unable to tell the truth-the truth serves no purpose as far as their agendas are concerned. As for what they did - infidelity/pathological lying/control/cruelty - they have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. They cannot see they have done anything wrong - we are the problem to them - it's all our fault. They are like a single cell organism only able to process one thing - how to secure and manipulate supply. Letting go might be scary but isn't wonderful to not know what is coming next? I'm so excited about life now - before, with the narcissist, I knew how every day would be for the rest of my life. I felt unease, pain, and longed for release. I realised I'd given my life away to someone else. I reclaimed my life step by step until I was able to break away completely. Only you can take your life back - you can do it.

everyone is 100 right what they say, you will have to go no con tact before any healing begins for you, even with the few letters exchanged a few months ago, after not seeing him for several years, was a setback to me , but i needed it to realize i can not contact him ever again,no matter how deeply lonely I am and i am all by myself.............

I'm with Sparrow. You will greatly shorten the process of healing by stopping all contact starting today. You can't let go if you are still making contact with him. It takes a lot of self control, but take it one day at a time. When you have these feelings of anger try to think of another way to let them out, such as keeping a journal, screaming into your pillow, jogging, or coming on here to get support. The best advice I have gotten is to not react to your feelings, just recognize and feel them. You don't have to react to them. Once you allow yourself two hours of distraction you will find the strong emotion has subsided and then you will not feel the urge to act on them. You can not get out of the fog until you stop. All the work you have done to gain control back becomes diluted when you backslide. You want to move forward as painlessly as possible and the No. 1 tool for that is NC! xxx, Ruby

And I'm struggling with obsessing about him myself but you need to stop any contact with him full stop. No letters no emails no texts. Nothing at all. I know you are angry and you want to cuss him out but this just does you more harm than it does him. He loves the attention. Id love to tear into mine a few more times but he'd love that so I will never do it come and vent on here instead

You will never have your life back as long as you are in contact with him. Period. NC is crucial to your healing. What is keeping you from taking that very important step? You can see that remaining in contact isn't helping, it's only making matters worse. CD is not a concern right now as far as time goes. Begin NC, and begin the steps necessary to recover. It doesn't happen on it's own. You must work hard at it every day.