How to STOP BEATING myself up?!?!?!

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#1 May 17 - 8AM
Kiwi2005
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How to STOP BEATING myself up?!?!?!

Hi All!

So this morning I was driving into work and I realize that my self confidence has been broken down to a level I never thought it would be. I went through a major breakup over 2 years ago and I never felt the way I’m feeling with just being with someone for 4 flipping months!!! Is something wrong with me??? I haven’t been in contact with him and don’t care to be, I wanted him to come after me so I can ignore him- but right now I don’t care about wasting another second on him- yet still I’m FIGHTING myself in my head right now and typing about him this very second!!!

I’ve always been pretty good about associating myself with the “right” people, until the Narc. He was the farthest thing from the kind of guy I’d date (legal trouble, drug troubles, in a nutshell a complete loser) but he got exactly what he needed out of me, besides 100% of my attention… I feel like an idiot… early on I saw SIGNS but I kept with it… WHY!?!?!? Most days about 85% of my days I’m pretty positive… other days I BEAT MYSELF UP… today is one of those days!

I don’t understand how I can know exactly what I want, Know exactly what I need to do and want to do and yet still I found myself in this mess… How the hell did I fall for the guy who was SO FAKE?!?!? I have a few but amazing female friends because I can’t stand FAKENESS, yet still, I found myself what could have been seriously involved with the FAKEST person I’ve ever met in my life… Because of this jackass I feel like I question every guy (is he a narcissist?) that tries to talk to me or even looks at me!!!

There’s got to be some of you who were in this very position… How did you move past it? I spend nights trying to figure out WHAT WENT WRONG in my head because CLEARLY something did… I mean was it the Psychology part of me that felt I could be the one that could save him? UGH!!! FFFFFFK!

May 17 - 2PM
prettypeeved
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I think what worked for me

I think what worked for me was concentrating on friends and family who aren't fakes. But they really do mess you up. Even now, 6 months NC, and he caught me out because I thought, just for an instant, that he was maybe being genuine. And in the end, it was just more FAKE.
May 17 - 2PM (Reply to #34)
Kiwi2005
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Prettypeeved

LOVE YOUR PICTURE... ;)
May 17 - 2PM (Reply to #35)
prettypeeved
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Heh, that's Dimo from my fave

Heh, that's Dimo from my fave webcomic, Girl Genius.
May 17 - 4PM (Reply to #36)
Kiwi2005
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prettypeeved

Kind of reminds me of what our Narcs probably look like when they're not busy trying to impress & lure us in :)
May 17 - 2PM (Reply to #30)
Hunter
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PP

Dude where have you been? We missed u! Hunter Aka Ideal ( had to change the name had a little drama)
May 17 - 2PM (Reply to #31)
prettypeeved
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See my other thread! I got

See my other thread! I got sucked into this sucky work situation, and also I thought it might help me forget him if I wasn't reminded by this site. But I'm back again :-( I guess I missed the drama.
May 17 - 2PM (Reply to #32)
Happy1
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prettypeeved

WELCOME BACK!!! 8-)
May 17 - 2PM (Reply to #33)
prettypeeved
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Thanks gals!

Thanks gals!
May 17 - 1PM
sara-smile
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Wow Kiwi

I could have written this post word for word! Everything you wrote is exactly what I go through. It's insane!!!! Nothing about it makes any sense to me. The only way I can almost understand it is to try to remember that they are NARCS, psychos, and crazy ass fake idiots! They poured on that fake charm and blinded us with it. We felt SPECIAL and lived on the high that they gave us! (GAG, puke, yuck) It's like being addicted to drugs. The best thing you can do is to try to quit beating yourself up and quit trying to figure out the answers because there aren't any. That is the hardest part to swallow but the only answer is because they are a Narc and we were their victim. Don't obsess about him anymore and focus on YOU! That's what I'm trying to do! I always try to remember how much pleasure it would give him if he knew I was sitting around obsessing about him. I am working harder today than I've ever worked to move on and get him out of my head!!!! I had a close call the past few weeks and I won't let it happen again. Get him out of your head! Do something for you! I'm here for you anytime! Stay strong and email me or any of us if you feel weak. Hugs to you!!!
May 17 - 1PM (Reply to #26)
Kiwi2005
Kiwi2005's picture

Sara

It just really amazes me how SIMILAR they all are you know? Several people have referred to him as my drug and I'm an addict, however I have been known for quitting shit cold turkey :) haha! I did randomly stop talking to him, it drives him insane, however he now made it clear he doesnt want to talk... I finally have the courage to IGNORE with the help of you all, so I hope my opportunity comes one day when I can ignore 100% actually I take it back, its not an opportunity and I hope it never happens :) My main issue is trying to figure him out... But then I read a story on here or I think about some of the ridiculous things he's told me and remember: STOP IT CUZ HE"S NOT NORMAL!! Thank you for everything!!! You guys are awesome! P.S. Has he tried to say anything after emails and texts ;) lol
May 17 - 2PM (Reply to #27)
sara-smile
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Kiwi

Trying to figure him out is a total waste of your precious time! He's not normal, he's a Narc and he's a sick bastard! :) I haven't heard a word from him since I sent them F off text message. He'll be back around. He never really leaves for good. He'll be back in about a month of so. He loves to torment me too much to stay gone forever.
May 17 - 2PM (Reply to #28)
Kiwi2005
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Sara

Ooo when he comes back we'll just find something else then... just let me know! I'll be thinking in the mean time... Listen I'm a gemini... I can be SUPER SUPER SUPER sweet or you know super super super bitch. For whatever reason I was VERY nice to my Narc, maybe because I knew from the beginning he was ill? But if there is a next time I won't be as nice... :) I'll ignore but ignoring verbal communcation is different than physical things :)
May 17 - 1PM
PinkyRose
PinkyRose's picture

don't

beat yourself up. I know how you feel and so many others do too. I would often think to myself "why did I do that?" "I look like a fool", etc. Nothing went wrong, please remember you did nothing wrong. HE is all wrong. What I did when I was feeling so overwhelmed was just not to do anything, don't try to figure him out. I know I have had many sleepless nights figuring it out. You think he lost any sleep over it? No way! This too shall pass! I have told myself it's my game now. He thrives on drama so I'm not going to give him the opportunity. I am avoiding him like the plague. I'm just hoping that soon I won't even be in his pathway. I am hoping he will be working in a different area. big hugs to you
May 17 - 1PM (Reply to #24)
Kiwi2005
Kiwi2005's picture

Pinkyrose, I definitely had a

Pinkyrose, I definitely had a moment this morning when I first got to work. A part of me will probably always try to figure people out, I was a Psych minor (ugh) You're so right, he's the wrong one, poor thing, I can't imagine what its like to not be Human :) I try, and I've been trying extra hard today to not try to figure him out because its merely impossible. If a psychologist who went to school to study this specifically can't figure these Narcs out, I don't think I could either! OMG! This narc was the biggest drama queen ever and I say queen because his behavior shows he's just as emotional or pretend emotional as us women! And theres no way he has testicles :) but I'm so with you! I wanted to suck him back in and disappear on his ass, but I've learned in 24 hours, he's NOT even worth that! THANK YOU!!! XOXOXO
May 17 - 11AM
TNR1
TNR1's picture

I refuse to internalize the N....

Sure...I get sad, I get lonely, I get angry, I get jealous...but I'm HUMAN and that is OK. Whenever I would beat myself up, I realized that all I was doing was internalizing (and validating) the crap the N was feeding me. Why in the world would I let a selfish, soulless man to determine how I feel about myself. Would I let a 6 yr old tell me who I am? As others have said..there is no timeline to this....recovery is personal and you are not alone. Anytime you feel bad about yourself, remember that you have an entire board of people who also bought into the fakeness of an N and we are all here to support you through this. Best revenge I think is being able to love yourself unconditionally (it means he has no control over you). HUGS
May 17 - 12PM (Reply to #22)
Kiwi2005
Kiwi2005's picture

TNR1

Thank you so much!!! LOL! "Would I let a 6 year old determine how I feel?" HELL NO!!! So thanks for that... I've been up and down all day. I just ate lunch and had a down moment but saw that I had comments waiting for me! Thank you!!! I donno what I'd be doing right now without you guys! Xoxox!
May 17 - 11AM
mynewlife2011
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Validation

I can relate to your wave of full spectrum emotions completely. You must come to this site whenever you are feeling down, to receive validation. We are your support group. It is so easy, as time passes to forget what our N's put us through on a daily basis. We remember the good. We have generous hearts, and are loving (that's ehy the N. preyed on and picked us.) When the relationship ends, even if we ende it knowing it was unhealthy, we always circle our thoughts around what we could have differently (better.) You need to be reminded that the relationship ended because your ExN is sick and has a disorder for which there is no cure. These guys are so charming, they can even pass N. Psychological testing and fly under the radar. Listen, I was with my ExN for 13 years, and if you were able to rid yourself of this cancer prior to giving him more than a decade of your life, marrying and having kids with him..pls pls count your blessings. He will NEVER change!! read my story if you need some inspirational help. stop blaming yourself, the relationship not working out had nothing to do with you. being generous and having a good heart are great qualities- he just used you. Why do you need that? ...YOU DON'T!!!
May 17 - 12PM (Reply to #18)
Kiwi2005
Kiwi2005's picture

mynewlife2011

You name says it all! Thank you so much! Funny, you’re right, sometimes I sit there trying to figure out what I could have done differently… yes I tried for 2 months to get away from him but just because I’m not liking him more everyday didn’t mean that I didn’t care- because I did. I am blessed to know that I got out of it. And although I thought he was a pathological liar I was blessed when the word “NPD” came up! You’re right I know I didn’t do anything wrong, although he tried to make me believe I did for 2 months (ha) and he still tried up until about a week ago. You know it’s funny, the things they say to you to get a reaction- its like they know what to say to get a reaction… but now I know… If he EVER tried to talk to me again, nothing would kill his supply more than not being able to get even a “hi” from me. I’ve been NC on and off for 2 weeks, which would mean its only been a few days at a time… however he was the last one that said something to me, this was yesterday when I caved and emailed him- I guess what I’d love to do is play him at his own game (tho its not a game for them- its life) but its not worth it!!! So within ONE day I learned that it’s not worth a second more of my time! Thank you for sharing! I’m going to go look for your story! Xoxox
May 17 - 12PM (Reply to #19)
mynewlife2011
mynewlife2011's picture

Think Strategy!

Yes, it is a sick game they play for control and NS, and we can "flip it" anytime we wish to. There is great power in that, so take your control back! NC again begins TODAY, right now, this minute. It is always when we break NC that we begin to feel crazy again..like we need them, or we feel humiliated because we think we made the ExN believe for a minute we still need them. Back to NC and you will feel better and more empowered with each passing hour! And...please learn from this..since you are still young and dating. Learn the warning signs, and do not ignore red flags (I did, and I so regret that now.) Last, hold onto your good qualities. Just because your ExN was a JERK doesn't mean your next man will be. take your control back, and keep it this time>>you can do it girl!!! Hugs
May 17 - 4PM (Reply to #20)
Kiwi2005
Kiwi2005's picture

mynewlife2011

I've been NC for 2 weeks... the longest at a time was 3 days lol... so far it's been 24 hours... my last email to him was yesterday and he responded and at the point I was trying to get him back so I can disappear on his ass, but its not worth it. It'll BURN more if I never respond again in this lifetime. For the first time in my young dating life, I ignored the signs. I started dating him in Jan. 2 weeks later I was trying to dump him, then again at the 4 week mark, 2 times in Feb. 3 times in march and the entire month of April... He'd let me go for a few hours then SUCK me back in... I detached in early March. But never got out. I know I hope to not Judge others by this jackass because I've never in my life met a guy like him.. EVER.. But it was definitely a learning experience and GOD puts us through shit to get to gold I guess :) Thank you!!! I donno he'll ever be back because he knows that I've tried to contact one person he was talking to, but she knew of his "ways" but still fed his ego. He may never come back and thats fine... but if he does BELIEVE ME I'll be posting it on here and hopefully I Have no temptations... but I dont know how I'd feel then. You all have been super helpful in rising my spirits today! Thank you so much for all your advice!!! XOXOXOXOXO
May 17 - 9AM
Happy1
Happy1's picture

It's so hard being away from

It's so hard being away from these men. They are addicting to us. They say and do everything we want and need in the beginning and we get sucked in big time. I know what you are feeling. The first time I was D&D by my narc it was 4 months into our relationship. I was in a horrible horrible place. I was even contemplating suicide. That's how low I had become in a split second. I blamed myself and had no clue. You are blessed to have found this site so quickly. Stay away from your narc and just concentrate on yourself. You will get better with time. Promise!
May 17 - 9AM (Reply to #12)
Kiwi2005
Kiwi2005's picture

Thanks Happy1

I am MORE Than lucky to have found this site! You, each and everyone one of you on this site are absolutely AMAZING! I used to think I was strong- ha- I am, but not nearly as strong as some on here!!! I know it'll get better with time, my birthday is in June and I need to not be in a funk! Actually I'm not GOING to ALLOW myself to be in a funk starting the next year of my life! Wow! Thanks you clearly just set off a positive switch :)
May 17 - 6PM (Reply to #15)
booboo35
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Hi Kiwi keep strong i have

Hi Kiwi keep strong i have had to go back to NC after breaking it, And getting shit on and hurt again, Its hard but were bot Geminis strong..lol, Am june the 5th by the way, Its just so frustrating as they head fuck with our minds so much, But karma will bite them so fucking hard on there skanky evil arses one day!! xx

STAY STRONG!! XX

May 17 - 6PM (Reply to #16)
Kiwi2005
Kiwi2005's picture

BooBoo35

Shut up! I'm the 6th! LOL... We can definitely vibe off each other then. I have a friend at work who's the 5th and its amazing how our personalities work together!!! Thank you! I have my days... it sucks... but I'll get there soon enough :) You BE STRONG as well! Remember they want a reaction and NO CONTACT to them isn't a reaction- it does shake them even if its for a second! Karma truely is a bitch... I feel sorry for whatever is in store for them- I lie- I don't really.
May 17 - 9AM (Reply to #13)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

Kiwi2005

You will do just fine and have a great birthday! You are so much better off with the knowledge you have. Keep posting as much as you need and get it out. None of us would be here if it were an easy process. Time does truly help! 8-) Hugs!
May 17 - 9AM (Reply to #14)
Kiwi2005
Kiwi2005's picture

Happy1

I know you're soo right!!! Thank you! XOXOX!
May 17 - 9AM
Lobo555
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Wow, I coulda written your post! :)

Don't know how to tell you to stop beating yourself up coz I'm a newbie to this whole danse macabre myself. What I can tell you is you're not alone. I could have written every word you did myself. In fact, I think I probably did at some point on this board! People keep telling me to be patient, educate myself, and work to heal. I am trying to do that but it's *hard*. You have my sympathies and my wishes for all the best! {hugs}
May 17 - 9AM (Reply to #10)
Kiwi2005
Kiwi2005's picture

Lobo555

I'm pretty sure about 90% of the posts I've read on here I could have written myself... it's amazing, you can go to the doctor and describe a cold but its really a sinus infection NOT the same with NARCISSISM its a pretty clear cut disease!!! I'm not a very patient person haha- so I really wish it could be memorial day and I could be at a bar be que with the AMAZING people in my life- that would also be 2 weeks from now so I'd hope to be in better shape =)
May 17 - 9AM
Hunter
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Kiwi

You get the gig, you really do! Let time pass and you'll feel better! Hunter
May 17 - 9AM (Reply to #6)
Kiwi2005
Kiwi2005's picture

Hunter

I know!!!!!!! Again... that really bothers me that I KNOW better, I should be doing better... I think my biggest issue, is why me?