I broke NC

I broke NC by looking him up online. Looking at old pics. Looking up every alias name he has, as he interchanges his first n middle names, he uses his grandfathers last name sometimes. He has at least 8 alias names. I didnt find any new stuff, it was all info I have already seen. I didn't dare try to find him on some dating sites, that would have been torturous for me. I don't FB either.
Ok, I am disappointed in myself. I did have a full blown panic attack after doing this as I made up assumptions of pics and stuff I saw that were related to him. I had an old Xanax script from last year after d n d. I took one, it helped. Now that I don't like to do.

I not beating myself up about it, I have no desire to break NC this way again. But just a comment that those here who are on FB or dating sites and see their exN...well, now I know the turmoil and anxiety you feel when you see him on FB. My heart was racing at the thought of seeing new pics of exN with OW, or indicating his new address...thank Goodness there was nothing new for me to see. It would have spun me out of control. I can see the addictive behavior of going online and looking up N, it's very easy to get caught up in that behavior.

I had a recollection of my N last night and was triggered by some holiday stuff. I thought bc I was NC for almost a month that I could handle looking him up online. Curiosity got the best of me. What a good lesson learned for me, that anything that has to do with him causes me physical and mental anguish. That anything good will never be related to him.

Thanks for listening.