I called, but hung up. I couldn't...

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#1 May 23 - 12PM

TovaBella

I called, but hung up. I couldn't...

Dammit! I called him and let it ring once and hung up just before the first ring ended. I just couldn't do it...I don't understand why I did this. Hopefully, the call didn't have enough of a chance to go through. My honest opinion is if it did go through, he would've called or texted back. After all, I'm guessing he'd be anxious to brag and rip me to shreds about how amazing his life is going (regardless of how its going). I don't understand why I did this, but I did :(

TovaBella

#2 May 24 - 7AM

Deidre40

Smitten Kitten

Smitten; I read your reply...if this helps at all...I broke things off with my N as you know. He is telling people on his FB page that he broke up with me. See? They lie. The one before you was special. You were special. They destroy everything they have that's good. Because they are so low, they keep seeking the next thing to make them feel higher...they think because we now have removed the mask (as opposed to it just falling) we are no longer special. See how it works? So, this should help you. THEY LIE ABOUT THE PREVIOUS WOMEN. I know this because he's lying about me, NOW. To others. God only knows what he will tell women about me. lol So...this should help with CD. You don't need this jerk's validation. He is seeking validation through women. Remember that. And he will never find it. Because no one can make someone happy. But, narcs think women's jobs are to make them happy, to serve them. They will keep searching...and destroying. Which is why they hoover...and come back to us. Would a rational person come back to someone 'bad?' No. They come back because we are good. In hopes of being stroked, as they so desperately crave. There is no 'right' girl.

#3 May 24 - 8AM (Reply to #54)

Smitten Kitten (not verified)

Thanks Deidre

I know they lie, but somehow some of the most hurtful things they say stick with us as if THOSE are the truth. I guess it's all part of their campaign to lower our self-esteem. It's like they instinctively know just the right thing to say or do to hurt us the most. It was all during this final D&D where he said all these horrible things on TOP of the FB pictures he posted and the things he told me about the new GF. At one point he's telling me that he told "J," the previous one, that if she ever decided to leave her husband and wanted to get back together with him, he would drop whoever he was with and take her back. And I said, "So even if I had left my husband and moved out there to be with you (because this was the big obstacle he used as an excuse), you would have left me if she wanted you back?" And he says, "I told HER that, it doesn't mean I would have done it."

#4 May 24 - 9AM (Reply to #55)

Deidre40

Your ex really is horrible.

Your ex really is horrible. You don't need his validation. When you get to the reason why you think you do? You will no longer look at him the same. ;) That, is where my healing began. {{hugs}}

#5 May 23 - 7PM

TovaBella

FOLLOW UP: I called, but hung up. I couldn't...

I GOT IT! Done sourcing, said something earlier in a post regarding me possibly holding on to something. I've been thinking about it in the back of my mind all day and came to the conclusion that THERE IS something the ex-N said repeatedly that bothers me. He said, "I would change for the RIGHT GIRL and WILL." This statement has hurt me more than I realized. This basically told me that I wasn't the right girl despite the fact that he would compare every woman to me...using me as a stencil because of my logical thinking, my career, my cultured back ground, the way I speak, etc. I hate that he's made me feel so badly and that I'm having to do reconstructive surgery to my head to remove all his poisonous toxins! Just more of the mind f*ck number he did to my head. Thanks for listening and reading. Lots of Hugs, TovaBella

#6 May 24 - 10AM (Reply to #51)

ifinallygotit

If he found the right girl

My ex N told a reporter 22 years ago that he would marry if he found the right person. He is now 55 and has never lived with anyOne and has cruelly abandoned all GFs. No one is good enough for momma boy N.

#7 May 24 - 12PM (Reply to #52)

TovaBella

ifinallygotit

Ifinallygotit, You know, I've thought about my N aging and all I can say is, I hope he's miserable and I hope his upteen years of steroid use catch up with him. These men will NEVER learn and your ex-N is proof of it. By the way, there's a song that makes me think of you...it's Katy Perry's song "Pearl" :). I despise these men. The best payback is to move on and be happy...because they are only capable of in the moment happiness...nothing long term. I hate that there's nothing we can do to them personally to pay them back...so that we can get some gratification, but that isn't in our hands. Big Hugs to you Beautiful, TovaBella

#8 May 23 - 9PM (Reply to #49)

Susan32

He'd change for the right goat...

Helpfully inform him of THAT. Just say "Oh, I thought you said the right GOAT." If he gets offended, reply "I'm sorry YOU feel that way." Tell him that YOU are a logical girl with a career, that YOU have a cultured background, and that HE is incapable of change because HE is an inferior life form! Tell him on no uncertain terms "You are NOT a real man, and so beneath me you should be making animal sacrifices to me and praying to me every day. Amen." You have the weapons in your hands. Use them. Enjoy them.

#9 May 24 - 6AM (Reply to #50)

TovaBella

Susan32

omg, Susan32! haha You really do crack me up. I needed that laugh this AM. Big Hugs, TovaBella

#10 May 23 - 9PM (Reply to #36)

Deidre40

There will never be a right

There will never be a right girl. That's the thing. The right girl doesn't exist. EVERYTHING THEY SAY...THEY SAY TO GAIN SOMETHING. I read a fascinating article about psychopaths recently. (who would have ever thought this would be my select reading these days? ugh) But, what it stated was that most psychopaths, they 'use' words for an advantage of some sort. ''I love you,'' is a way to get a reaction. ''I hate you,'' another reaction. They use and manipulate words. To gain something. So, 'I will change for the right girl.' It doesn't even make sense. So, you'll be an asshole for the 'wrong' girl? haha So...a girl makes you be a better man? Ah, I see. Please. Grow up, man! Real men don't need women to make them better than they want to be. Real men do the RIGHT THING, NO MATTER WHAT. So...don't feel bad about this jerk. He wants you to feel bad. THEY GET OFF ON IT. It's so strange. I can't ever explain why they are like that, but they are like that. That's enough for me to keep walking. Hang in there. It will get better. Just know that real men don't need women to make them better. {{hugs}}

#11 May 24 - 6AM (Reply to #48)

TovaBella

Deidre40

You know Deidre40, I'm glad you said what you said...I REALLY needed to hear the words, "There will never be a right girl." I think I've known this for a long time. I feel like he use to say that to me to hurt me of course. But I also can't help but believe that he believe that there is a right girl...it's part of his delusional world. Since he's divorced, he said that he shouldn't have to settle. I understand what a "normal" person means by that phrase, but everytime he used it, it just didn't fit. That phrase does not apply to him, because he isn't normal. Back before I know how mentally disturbed he was, I would tell him that I personally believed that there's such a thing as settling poorly and settling well and how he's looking for the latter. I could tell yet again that he just wasn't on the same mental page as myself...now I know why though. So yes, I do believe that there's motivation behind the words they use. I think they hide BEHIND "normal" people's phrases. "I'd change for the right girl," "I shouldn't have to settle." These are phrases that if one of my other guy friends said, I wouldn't think twice...I'd know what they meant or were implying. However, with an N, it's VERY different. I feel like it's part of their disguise...their mask. It's their actions that give them away and then when we corner them and ask them about it, they start saying the hateful and hurtful remarks. TovaBella

#12 May 23 - 9PM (Reply to #37)

Smitten Kitten (not verified)

"So, 'I will change for the

"So, 'I will change for the right girl.' It doesn't even make sense. So, you'll be an asshole for the 'wrong' girl? " Mine said, "I'm not the monster you guys think I am (my friends and I). Just because I wasn't a nice guy with YOU, doesn't mean I'm not a nice guy." Really? You're SELECTIVELY nice? "I'm not going to hurt her. I'm not going to make the same mistakes I made with you and 'J.' I'm going to put my whole heart into this to make it work. We're more compatible, THIS relationship has more potential." So a relationship that doesn't have future potential is an excuse for treating someone like crap and with disrespect?

#13 May 24 - 1PM (Reply to #47)

Deidre40

The deflect blame always, SK.

The deflect blame always, SK. ALWAYS. So...he's in essence deflecting blame onto you...

#14 May 24 - 6AM (Reply to #42)

TovaBella

Smitten Kitten

Smitten, Sounds like your ex-N and mine graduated from the same N school. I swear, my ex-N would same similar shit. They say stuff like that because they want that REACTION from us. I totally figured it out, it's like we don't believe their word salad bullshit, they become pissed when we won't do what they say and so as punishment, they say hurtful shit. It is DISGUSTING! It's like he was talking to you like a friend, completely dimissing the fact the two of you dated...he was TOTALLY using you as a dumping ground for all sick and twisted plans. Mine did this ALL the time and it was the WORST! TovaBella

#15 May 24 - 8AM (Reply to #43)

Smitten Kitten (not verified)

Yes, you're right.

He was telling me this stuff at the end when he had dumped me and was already planning his future with the new GF. Suddenly he was doing an about-face and claiming he'd LEARNED from his mistakes with me and didn't want to repeat them with her and ruin that relationship too, thereby ADMITTING things were his fault. Of course 5 minutes later, nothing was his fault and the reason we fought all the time was because I was like his ex wife. He was going to safe-guard and respect HER feelings so she would feel secure and never have any reason to doubt him, so she would feel like the only woman in the world he ever loved (sound familiar?) I told him at any time in our relationship if he had quit doing the things he was now going to quit doing for her (the interaction and flirting with all the other women, for one), things would have been different with us. When I asked him why he was now going to do these things for her but didn't feel I was worth doing them for, that I didn't deserve the same kind of respect, that's when he said, "This relationship has more potential for a future." I told him, just because you don't think there's a future in a relationship, that's not an excuse to treat a person like crap. Of course he then denied ever treating me like crap or doing anything wrong! Soooo, if you didn't do anything wrong or make any mistakes, WHAT mistakes are you referring to that you learned from that you're not going to make with her? Aaaahhhh!!!! Might as well be banging my head on a wall rather than trying to reason with a Narc! The never-ending word salad and crazy-making dynamics. At the time I didn't know that's what it was, but now I do. The way they contradict themselves in the same conversation is insane!

#16 May 24 - 10AM (Reply to #44)

Free2bMe4582

never-ending word salad....yup that's it!

Yes my N plays these mind games in conversation, contradicting everything he says, while wearing a smirk on his face. It always enrages me and I say any horrible things so I can to hurt him..i lose COMPLETE control when he tries to put me in a web of confusion. He never apologizes or has remorse. Bastard. I'm so tired of feeling confused and trying to convince him of my point of view, especially when my 4 year old can comprehend it!! AHHHHH

#17 May 24 - 10AM (Reply to #45)

Smitten Kitten (not verified)

Crazy Making

I used to get so frustrated and finally yell "HOW do you NOT GET THIS??!! Of course after they've driven us to the brink, they sit back and say,"See? You're CRAZY, just like my ex!" Or, "You're ALWAYS mad at me!"

#18 May 24 - 12PM (Reply to #46)

TovaBella

My ex-N's FAVORITE line he liked to use on me

My favorite line the N always use to say to me RIGHT AFTER he was comparing some OW to me (and pointing out all the things she has or is that I don't have or am not...size 0, rich parents, etc) was, "Gosh TovaBella, why do you take things so personally?!" Omg, this use to make me SO mad! I never came out and said it, but I always was thinking, "Because you are PERSONALLY OFFENDING ME by telling me what I'm lacking in comparison to some OW! Because your dumping all your details about her on to me and your making me feel HORRIBLE about myself and I DON'T deserve it, you dumb asshole!" I never said those things to him, but always carried myself with grace. Anytime I confronted him, I did it with no emotion for the most part. I might raise my voice a bit, but never screamed at him. For some reason I held myself back and I'm glad I did...because it would have just fed him A LOT OF SUPPLY. TovaBella

#19 May 23 - 11PM (Reply to #41)

Steph

smitten kitten

" It doesn't even make sense. So, you'll be an asshole for the 'wrong' girl? "" lol! Exactly! How true!! xoxo

#20 May 23 - 10PM (Reply to #39)

mynewlife2011

this should give some perspective

"You make me want to be a better man." "I had an epiphany and the way I have been living my life is not right. I don't want to go down this path any further." "When I am with you I am home. Please let me move back in." "I am a total idiot and I don't deserve you but I would be the luckiest guy alive if you would consider taking me back." "I am afraid you are stuck with me, doesn't matter who else is interested..I am not going." "i just want to pleasure you, you don't need to do anything but just relax and enjoy my love." These are all direct quotes from my ExNH serial cheater, master manipulater, lunatic liar, and rediculous rager. DO NOT, I repeat.. DO NOT Believe a f*ucking thing they say and don't analyze it either

#21 May 24 - 6AM (Reply to #40)

TovaBella

I hear you mynewlife2011, No

I hear you mynewlife2011, No one should be ANYTHING they say, because all words they use are to fufill their ulterior motives...which in the end usually ends up hurting us in the long run. In the mean time, they walk away without a care in the world and are on to the next victim. TovaBella

#22 May 23 - 10PM (Reply to #38)

Done sourcing

great points...an important

great points...an important step in my recovery came when I realized I heard this crap long ago and didn't leave immediately, scary why I needed that sick n in my life.

#23 May 23 - 9PM (Reply to #32)

Hunter

Tova

Guy, Girl, Goat, He not going to change. Hunter,

#24 May 24 - 6AM (Reply to #35)

TovaBella

Hunter

You are right, Hunter. He isn't going to change. The only thing this ass of a N will change, is the masks that he wears to lure women in. I think he'd even change a mask for a goat, if he thought he could screw one...the N would LOVE the idea that a goat couldn't talk back! LOL TovaBella

#25 May 23 - 9PM (Reply to #34)

Deidre40

hahaha a goat! you're so

hahaha a goat! you're so funny, hunter! :P They might change for a goat. Goats can't talk back.

#26 May 23 - 9PM (Reply to #33)

Steph

lol, not EVEN for a

lol, not EVEN for a GOAT???? geesh

#27 May 23 - 8PM (Reply to #29)

Smitten Kitten (not verified)

Narcs say the Shittiest Things

"I would change for the RIGHT GIRL and WILL." Mine essentially said the same thing. He always said he still believed in marriage and would want to marry again, with the RIGHT woman, the implication being that it would potentially be me. He said he never loved his wife and only married her because she was pregnant and they both came from Catholic families that "forced" the issue. Shot gun wedding so to speak. At the same time, he told me he loved me and hadn't loved anyone since his first love in high school. What he left out was, he hadn't loved anyone since high school until "J," the married woman he had a 3 month affair with right before me. The woman he D&D'd for me. Of course this all came to light much later in the relationship. Part of the cruel D&D where they let you know that even though they led you to believe you were "THE ONE", "THE LOVE OF THEIR LIFE," it was really the woman before you. SHE was the one that got away. SHE was the one they never got over..... until NOW. Until now that they've found the RIGHT woman they are going to marry. THE woman who reminds them of the one before you who was so "SPECIAL" and YOU just remind them of their "crazy, psycho, bitch of an ex-wife" that he never wants to repeat, so you were clearly NEVER the right one. This is where the CD KILLS me and the rejection is so painful. But I have to ask myself, if "J" was soooo freakin' SPECIAL, why did he discard her after only 2-3 months for ME? Obviously, she wasn't ALL that, because based on the timeline of events he told me about, he was D&Ding her right when they met face-to-face. He never did the things with her that he did with me (like actually spend the night after they had sex which was only twice) and never got as involved with her as he did me. But now he's got his "perfect" woman who reminds him of "J" that he's going to marry as soon as his divorce is final in September. I know, we're ALL supply and I'm lucky he didn't PICK me and it's a compliment to my strength and character and that I can see through him and the other two are still clueless, but it still hurts like Hell. Of course that's why he said and did the things he did to me. Hurting me makes him feel alive. Without my feelings and emotions and reactions to his actions, he doesn't exist.

#28 May 23 - 8PM (Reply to #30)

TovaBella

Smitten Kitten

You know Smitten, the line about them hurting us and it making them feel alive really does strike a chord with me. I know they hurt us to make themselves feel alive. I think they also do it to gage how important they are in our lives. If we yell at them for hurting us, they see that we're passionate about them. If we cry, they say how important and invested we are in them and this makes them feel important...boosts their egos. So, what you said is right...without our feelings and emotions, they don't exist...they are simply empty. Again, they are just sick to have to inflict pain upon others to obtain their self worth. TovaBella

#29 May 23 - 8PM (Reply to #31)

Free2bMe4582

That makes a lot of sense

When my N gives me the cold shoulder or insults me and I don't acknowledge it, he seems to become empty and depressed. He tries to still hurt me by leaving the house at odd times and stay out long time. But when he catches me off guard with his abuse and I flip out (yelling screaming cursing) he loves it..he argues back but then gets very quiet and meek and says "Look at you? You're out of control! You are so immature!" I'm learning to try my best to not acknowledge his foolishness and try not to live in fear..although I jump when he puts his keys in the door, or I hear him walking, or he open/shuts the doors in the house. What a shame to have anxiety all the damn time.

#30 May 23 - 7PM (Reply to #27)

Steph

What a load of bologne! A

What a load of bologne! A narc won't change for ANYONE. Just another thing he said to make you feel bad. Don't believe any of his words. They are all garbage.

#31 May 23 - 8PM (Reply to #28)

TovaBella

SS78 :)

Staying Strong78, I know he won't change. You can't teach an old dog new tricks and a tiger can't change their stripes. He needed to make me feel like crap, because I was on to his disorder and he wanted to put me in my place. The truth is, he isn't good company of ANY kind. Any man who has NPD, does and says the horrible things he does is not someone whom I want in my life in ANY capacity. You are the company you keep and I have to remind myself of this everyday :) Big Hugs to you, TovaBella

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