I don't think he's a Narc, and I'm having a hard time with this...

It is very common to the people here on this site to have the same question is you. This tells a lot. I was constantly shifting between narc-nonarc dilemma. Until I really realized that "he is narc for me". I don't know how to explain this concept... The effect he has ON ME is exactly what I read in the other people posts. When I read the articles about narcs and their victim it described to a T what I WAS experiencing, even though the his personnality and his behaviour does not fit 100% to the narc description. Me feelings are my reality now. What does it matter wheither he is "true" narc or not. What does it change? For me - nothing. Love Winter

I went throught this same process and have now come to the conclusion that it was my stuff that made me do this. I felt unlovable and unworthy. If there was something wrong with him then it meant I was OK and if I was OK why was I dating and taking the abuse of this disordered man? Sad to say, at that point, it was apparently easier for me to think I was unlovable rather than OK and needing some therapy myself. I hope this makes sense...at any rate, you know in your deepest soul that this man is not right or good for you. Stop now and do the work suggested by the Mods etc. and you will not have to go through this ever again in your life.

http://www.archive.org/details/NarcissistIsHeOrIsntHe I'm on a Sam Kick this week.. Newbies must spend time reading and watching Sam.. ALSO spend time reading here this question comes up every week.. He is toxic..that's the bottom line. Hunter

It is NEVER our fault if someone is abusive and toxic. Narc or not, the behavior is part of THEM and I agree with Spinning, narcs can be very emotional and even seem to show compassion, but that does not mean they are not disordered. In these early days of NC there is a kind of panic that can set in, that fear that they will be whole and healthy with someone else, that we are making a mistake in giving up on them. Problem with thinking these kinds of thoughts though, is that is what often keeps us in abusive relationships for way too long and the longer we are in them, the harder it is to see clearly how much better our lives could be if we were not. Congrats on day 7 of NC! Stay strong! Contact = pain.

the focus off of him and whatever his problems might be and onto you and why you think this is something you need in your life or need to fix? Maybe you could try making a list of what this person brings into your life, the good and the bad, and reflect on the black and white facts as YOU KNOW THEM. In times such as these, so early on in No Contact, there is a tendency to let emotions interfere with FACTS. Unless you are committed to becoming a psychologist or specialist in PDs, the FACTS are that he has problems that bring you pain and cause you to feel bad. Ask yourself why you would want to spend more of your precious time on this planet feeling bad? In other words, it's okay that he has problems but perhaps you need to begin embracing the idea that you are simply not equipped to deal with those problems. That is not a shortcoming on your part, nor is it your fault. A psychiatrist and/or psychologist may be equipped to deal, but then only on a professional level. The disordered one I was involved with had extreme emotions and feelings. They spanned every inch of the spectrum and made my heart wrench and bleed with compassion. The thing is, however, I had to face the fact that his "issues" were destroying me; his issues were bigger than me and more than I could handle, no matter how much I THOUGHT I LOVED HIM. I also had to face the FACT that he was not going to change; so I could choose to continue to be destroyed by clinging to the idea that "he really wasn't that bad/disordered" or face the FACT that he really was. That's where the lists of good and bad helped me a lot. Sorry to be so windy here, Needs. I just want to give you a different way to think about it and hope you'll consider it. Sincerely, (not) spinning. AND SO VERY GRATEFUL FOR THAT!

He may be Bi-Polar.........he doesn't have to fit any particular mold though. If he mistreats you, he mistreats you. It's easier to make excuses and want to take on the burden of the demise of the relationship and continue to move forward. Healing is a whole different ball of wax. It takes a lot of effort, a lot of pain and sacrficing. The reward in the end......this will NEVER happen to you again. We can't tell you how to feel or what to do, but if you truly want to heal, you have come to the right place.