I failed

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#1 Feb 10 - 8PM

sara-smile

I failed

Yes. I did it. I failed and I met him because he wore me down with the phone calls and text messages. Oh and because I am completely pathetic.

I can't explain how awful it was. I got everything we all knew that was coming to me for being stupid.

I can't read any of the message boards right now because I'm hysterical and sobbing and beating myself up endlessly. I turned into the psycho today and made myself feel like used garbage and I can't face it. All of you have been so wonderful to me and I just wanted to let you know where I was and what is going on. I'm at the lowest point I've been since meeting this piece of garbage. I'm wallowing in self pity and disgust at myself. I asked for it. I worked myself up and was so determined and proud and once again he beat me down into submission.

I can't take all this pain.

#2 Feb 11 - 3PM

sadderbutwiser

sara, its ok

i'm so sorry. i know how you feel. i'm 8 months NC, but i failed a bunch of times too along the way. we're all here for you. stay on here as much as you can. we understand everything you're feeling, believe me.

#3 Feb 11 - 2PM

Briseis

What you need to do is take

What you need to do is take this "fail" and turn it around. Yeah, it was a "mistake" BUT these kinds of mistakes can be VERY useful. VERY informative, very helpful in your recovery. Right now you're gonna just feel the fall out and the pain and misery that meeting with him brought you. But in a day or so, your mind will clear up. And THEN is the time to grab the reigns and work it. There is a profound lesson in cause and effect here. The CAUSE of your misery and pain right now? You gave in and saw him. Simple as that. If you had not, you would not be feeling this intensity of pain. Period :) The lesson is to stop hurting yourself :) Many impulses in our lives are NOT in our best interests. Don't be such a pushover either. Just cuz someone is blowing up your phone with texts and calls doesn't automatically follow that you answer. That is called a personal boundary. He can bang on the boundary all day but only YOU can let him in. The next part of this important lesson is the subject of "Big Girl Panties". We try to keep them on around here as much as humanly possible :D . And they fall off and we suffer and then we put them back on. Mine fall off too. Not with the Narc because he doesn't even know where I am, but I could barely keep them on at all those first few weeks. Sometimes, the best advice is to just suck it up and hitch up your drawers and MOVE ON. Except when WE tell you that, we say it with complete compassion and understanding and no blame. We rely on each other to remind us :)

#4 Feb 11 - 1PM

Journey

You are not pathetic

This may very well be the rock bottom you needed to head back up in the right direction again. Like others have posted, try not to feel like a 'failure'. We all can relate to your pain right now. Think of it instead as passing the final 'how low can a narc bring us down?' exam. Congratulations! you got an A! Now take your narc diploma and hold your head high. Real life awaits after graduation. (hugs) Journey on...

Journey on...

#5 Feb 11 - 8AM

exhausted

Sara

You did not fail. Take what happened to you yesterday and use it as a learning experience. You now know that he will never change so there is no point in trying to make him change. remember how empowered you felt yesterday when you were not going to meet him? He took that away from you and look at how you feel today. Isn't it so much better to feel good about yourself and just know that you are a better person than he is? When I went to lunch with my jerk last week I felt like complete shit afterward. I cried in the stairwell at work and even after seeing my red eyes he asked me if I think he still has a chance with the other girl. That was when I was at my lowest. I used that feeling and decided to go full NC. We work together which makes it very hard to do but I am doing it. Every time I think of making eye contact I think of how he made me feel that day and my mind changes instantly. You are a strong person and you will get through this. Don't beat yourself up over it. It's not worth it. You are getting stronger every day. You just don't see it yet. One day it will hit you. I know I still have a long way to go and fear that I am going to have more bad days but I know I have everyone here to help me through it when I do. We don't judge.

#6 Feb 11 - 6AM

gettinbetter

Sara

You need to be very very careful with threats to this man. It sounds to me like he could very well unravel. These people are capabale of horrid things especially when they feel threatened or feel loss of control. I know you have to see him at work. Its horrible. I know I lived that but no more contact. These people can be extremely dangerous when they get really stressed. Gosh I feel for you I was in your shoes. Its probably good that you didnt go to work. Let things calm a bit I was only 24 and didnt have much life experience I was particulary ill equipped to deal with it. Stay completely away from him.

#7 Feb 11 - 6AM (Reply to #14)

sara-smile

Sick of it

You are right about him unraveling and it scares me. I shouldn't have done it but I couldn't help myself in the psycho state I was in. I would love to have him fired and take away seeing him every day!!!! That would be like an answered prayer. I'm morals won't let me do it though. Sad part is that he knows that. He knows what kind of person I am and that is why uses me and torments me. I'm a good person with a good heart and he feeds on it! I will be careful and I've calmed down for the most part so no more threats. Thanks! Sara

#8 Feb 11 - 6AM (Reply to #15)

gettinbetter

Sara

Look up Borderline Personality Disorder in males. Im no expert but he sounds like BPD. Read up on it. It will tell you about how they can unravel. You will know if it fits him. The traits are very similiar to NPD and they are in the same cluster of Personality Disorders. Let me know if you think that describes him. Just Curious. I have finally figured out that mine is BPD.

#9 Feb 11 - 6AM

sara-smile

Thank you all

Thank you all for the post. Thanks most of all for sharing the stories where you failed and gave in to the devil. I felt that mistake was just me. Everybody on here seems so much stronger than to do something so harmful to yourself. I didn't realize until last night how well I was actually doing until yesterday. I had gotten to the point where I wasn't crying every day and now I can't stop. I didn't go to work today because I'm afraid if I see him I'll either beat the hell out of him with the first heavy object I run across or I'll sit and cry and look like an idiot all day. The reality is so brutal that it's a shock to the system. If nothing else maybe I learned something from the mistake. I can not imagine putting myself through that again. Yesterday was worse than anything I've been through with his so far. I'm having a hard time dealing with my behavior after I realized I had messed up so bad. I turned into a psycho. I went crazy on him. I threatened his job and I threatened to show the new girlfriend every text message and every email he had ever sent me. He went to pieces when I told him that. He cried and threatened to kill himself and blah blah blah. All fake I'm sure. All an act in his many personalities to make me feel sorry for him so I would calm down and do what is best FOR HIM again. I'm having a hard time not following through with my threats. I know the new girlfriend wouldn't believe anything I said or showed her because he's already got her so in love with him that she's just like me. She'll believe any lie or excuse he comes up with. It's having him fired that I am so tempted to do. I could have him escorted off the site today if I wanted to and he knows it. I have a much higher position than him and he is nothing where we work. I have the pictures of where we are all sure he cut my tire. I have emails and text messages where HE harassed me at work. BUT the best proof I have are emails, text messages, and a copy of his divorce papers naming his bosses fiance as reason for his divorce. He had sex with his bosses fiance on his bosses desk at work. It would take a matter of minutes to get him fired. If I got him fired I would never have to lay eyes on him again. I wouldn't have to be in knots all day at work if I got him fired. He cried (fake tears) and said "please don't do that to my children"!! He used them because he knows how I feel about his kids. In my psycho state I told him that HE should have thought about his children when he was sleeping with his bosses fiance and his actions weren't my responsibility. I'm sure I won't tell that. I can't do that because I'm actually human and do have some kind of emotions and feelings. I would regret it and feel bad forever and I can't do that to myself. Sorry for the rambling. I just needed to get all of this out. I couldn't even look at this site last night because I felt so ashamed of myself and I was doing SO GOOD!!!! Thank you all so much for your help. I would be sitting in the dark drooling on myself from insanity if it weren't for all of you.

#10 Feb 11 - 7AM (Reply to #12)

Hunter

Sara

Hello, You need to see a therpist and get yourself some anti depressants. Look at what this man is doing? You need to take control of you. How you do this is up to you. You have to detox yourself from this drug. Staying home today was probablly a good idea. Today you need to re group and figure out a plan of attack. This plan does not include getting him fired ,telling his new woman etc. This paln is to figure out how you are going to heal. I'd like you to read more to understand this disorder.I hope when I check in later you can tell us about your plan of attack to take care of sara. I dont want to hear he did this he said that..... they all fucked us over.. they all do and say the same BS.. I hate this man for you. I hate seeing you destroyed but you need to start at the begining to get to the end. OXOXOX Idealk

#11 Feb 11 - 7AM (Reply to #11)

Hunter

Sara

#12 Feb 10 - 10PM

Gina

Sara Courage

Sara, Big hugs. You are beautiful person who deserves love, not him, sometimes it takes what it takes with these guys, its not an easy process. For me, I would go thru this over and over. In the beginning I thought, well, he may change, then I began to predict the result and subsequent pain. Then feel like a loser for seeing him. Your only motive at this point is to take care of YOU! It takes time to heal from the damage inflicted by these narcs. My relationship has been over for 4 mos and it sucks the pain I still experience from the mentally disturbed douchebag. But its better a little each day. Continuing the contact prolongs healing. We are all here for you. G

#13 Feb 10 - 10PM

gettinbetter

Dont feel bad Sara. I have

Dont feel bad Sara. I have screwed up so many times I have lost count. Its a process not an event. The pain has to get so bad that you get to a place where it isnt worth the few minutes of euphoria. The crash after one of these incidents is horrific. Now do you believe he really loves that girl? I think not considering he met you today. Dont beat yourself up. He has already done enough of that to you. Be kind to yourself. Everyone here has made these same mistakes. Ok I wont say everyone there are a few overachievers on here LOL LOL but I would say most of us have done this sometimes many times before we had had enough. You sound like you are there. Be kind to yourself. xoxo

#14 Feb 10 - 10PM

TNR1

Repeat after me...I was conditioned by an N....

Hi Sara...I am sorry that you feel so awful at the moment, but don't in any way blame yourself. You were conditioned by a master manipulator, we all have been. Now is not the time to leave this board, now is the time to feel the compassion of others who have been or are where you are. Back in October I saw Mr. N after many many months of trying to get myself back on my feet. Needless to say, it was not what I had expected and in all honesty, I felt ashamed. Here I had made such progress and in 30 minutes, that progress seemed to slip away. I realized that I had been conditioned to accept any small breadcrumb that he was willing to offer, even if that meant enduring days, weeks, even months of no contact from him. I had twisted myself into a prezel trying to be whatever he wanted me to be in the moment, only to realize what he wanted was simply a sexual object with no feelings and all about him. All those times he told me how much he wanted to be with me, he didn't truly want to be with me, just wanted to say what I wanted to hear to keep me hooked. I am still addicted to him. If he were to call me tomorrow and want to get together, I would have a hard time resisting. Fortunately I haven't heard from him in over a month, but that doesn't mean that I don't every day fight off the urge to contact him. So I do understand where you are coming from and I do understand the pain. You are not alone here and we are here for you. HUGS.

#15 Feb 10 - 9PM

neverlookback

ALSO

By the way you DID NOT FAIL, this is a process of getting them out of your life, and we will fail many times in that attempt but the final reward in the end will be the day you are free and TOTAL TOTAL NC

#16 Feb 10 - 9PM

neverlookback

sara honey

am I to assume you were intimate when you met him? Knowing the way they are that is a given. I have done that too in the past I think many of us have you wont be the first and you wont be the last to make this mistake. I failed many many times over with mine but towards the end when I did the PTSD set in BIG BIG time, the last time I drove home after seeing him I had to pull over on the hwy it was so bad and it took me about a week to get myself back together in order to even function. You will be ok it will however take you a while to get yourself back on track you have had a set back. Any type of contact especially physical is so very very toxic to us, we give in because we feel like we just cant resist them. Mine would walk in the door and my heart would melt and it was over he had me. But when it was over the pain was not worth giving into the fix, I dont know how else to describe it. I said the same thing, please make the pain stop, please. YOU can make the pain stop Sara you really can, its humanly possible trust me. THe only answer I can give you is TOTAL NC, TOTAL no looking at messages, txts, facebook, NOTHING. Its not as bad as you think, it will help you clear your head away from his toxicity and it gives you strength. Change your number it will save your life, your pain will end. Now take a hot bath, and get rest tomorrow is a new day.x0x0

#17 Feb 10 - 8PM

ally2375

Sara

Do you know why we were all telling you not to meet him? Not because doing so would be letting US down, because we knew you would be letting YOURSELF down. We knew how much it would hurt. Why? Because we've all been there. It bothers me to hear you call yourself pathetic and stupid. Please try to be kinder to yourself. So you screwed up. Ah well - you can't change that now. Sometimes we have to learn the same lessons over and over until we understand them with our head AND our heart. Beating yourself up will do you no good at all. Vow to make a different choice next time. Others on here have said that this process is a marathon, not a sprint. It takes time. You may make mistakes. No one here will judge you for it, you just need to pick up and go on. Remember how you feel RIGHT NOW the next time you have to make a decision about this guy.

#18 Feb 10 - 8PM

Mindy

I Feel Your Pain

I'm so sorry you're hurting. We all struggle with being susceptible to their charm and our own hopes that somewhere inside of the monster is the man we fell in love with... You didn't fail. You might've stumbled, but you will make it through this and keep going towards your goal of healing. You in all your goodness just want to feel loved, he in all his evil just used that for his selfish gain. They will say anything and everything to get to us. Today was a hard day for me, too. Just when I felt like I was out of the woods, he emailed me one of our conversations from last year, one in which he declared his love for me over and over and how he would suffer anything just to see me happy. The reason he sent it to me is because he has been asking for a second chance, and I've been unresponsive. Reading that broke my heart. I began crying, and lost my cool and said things like "I'm hurt because we can never get that back," and "You never loved me." He basically cracked me and got me to react. Mission accomplished I guess. I'm struggling with myself between wanting to email him and pouring my heart out, and just remaining silent. Thank God for this website and all of you. Instead of emailing him, I am here. *Big Hug to you, hun... we will make it through this.

#19 Feb 10 - 8PM

Hunter

Sara

Oh boy, did you learn your lesson? I think you did. Next time you will listen! Enough said! Idealk

#20 Feb 10 - 8PM

onwithmylife

Sara

I have walked in your shoes, as we all have, maybe from this you will gain strength and go NO CONTACT FOR GOOD, maybe you needed this, look at it as a blessing in disguise, now YOU know................Can you change your phone number or if not, never answer him again no matter how many times he texts or calls you, he will give up eventually,

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