I feel introverted

Another thing as i thought about you this evening, because it is me too, you have already been thru hell and back and survived so you can do anything now. You already showed the determination to get started by working your ass off and getting into nursing school. Your moving ahead. It's ok to have a setback. You have had a traumatic experience of betrayal at the deepest level. We all have been wounded at the deepest level. "The greatest revenge is a life well lived ". I have quoted this before because after NC that's the next worst thing you can do to your exN and FOR yourself - succeed. Because i know for a fact that my exN is hovering around hoping to make sure that i fail so that he can tell everyone that i was better off with him in his life i am more determined than ever to succeed in whatever i do. Finally, a win win situation for me this time. And for you too.

A decade ago, I went through the same experience. I was too depressed to volunteer at the local elementary school, too depressed to go to breakfast with my classmates, I often stayed in bed, ate by myself, cry by myself. I didn't want anyone to see my misery. I felt ashamed, guilty, alone. Romantic rejection can be hard enough--but D&D is devastating, especially if it's from someone you admire and respect. I'd cry myself to sleep. These are things I'd NEVER tell my ex-P because he'd take too much pleasure in it... and go figure, he was one of my professors. D&D IS wrenching. Don't knock yourself. It's a terrible and painful experience. It's a dark night, but there is light at the other side...

Your words really speak to me and are essentially how i feel now too. Although my ExN and i have not officially been apart as long as you have, it feels that way because we have been breaking up for the past four or five years with every separation longer and longer. It's almost as tho i was weaning myself from him bit by bit. For a while it really bothered me how his life continued successfully, making all of his money and still being surrounded by the people in his business that used to be my friends - while i became unemployed (as a consequence of the times) and was isolated and mostly alone. It helps to remind myself often that i may be alone today but he will always be alone - always. And all the money in the world can not change that in any real way. Likewise, a number of those people have let me know that they have very little to do with him now outside of his business and are generally aware of what happened between us. So 'success' is really not something they will ever have in term of relationships at all. When i finally realized the fact that whoever he has in his life will be suffering all the same lies and nightmares i suffered, i feel pity for them and lucky that it is no longer me. So you may think he is living high on the horse but it is probably all for show as you know his new spouse is suffering just like you did. I am having the same experience as you are with friends. I think i am much more aware of the tactics now. After ten years of his disconnecting me from the many friends I used to have and convincing me to leave my neighborhood where i was very involved and well known, I have few close friends now. And amongst those, one i am severing all ties with as i have begun to see more and more of the same tactics he used and the other discontinued her meds and has seemed to become a completely disengaged, self absorbed, and uncaring 'friend'. Rather than endure the disappointment of either of them anymore, i would rather be alone than in their company so i am alone a lot. It was so incredibly amazing that in the end after all the details, they didn't get it at all. Worse, they seemed to treat me like some pathetic child who couldn't just do what obviously needed to be done. The first one in fact, seemed to enjoy that this somehow elevated her status. From this, i learned to only speak of the experience in generalities because there is no way to explain this in any terms that most people understand, except amongst those of us who have lived it. I call myself damaged goods as well because i know i have been damaged. i am not the same anymore - at least for now. Having been fooled for so long-so completely fooled- how can i ever really tell the difference of what people are capable of anymore? And at 51 it is somewhat scary to wonder how long it will take to trust again when time is not on my side anymore. But, again, i remind myself that i am wiser and more aware now and that makes me a survivor. Altho i would not wish to have gone thru this as long as i did, i am better prepared for whatever is out there now. I am learning to set boundaries that i let him cross and had even let friends cross. I am also old enough not to have to take any sh*t from anyone anymore. So for the first time in 51 yrs i am giving myself permission to be a b**ch whenever i think it's warranted. I realized that jealous women and conniving men have taken advantage of my honesty and kindness all of my life and rather than confront, i walked away without a word. Now, however, i would just as soon drop them in their tracts. Also, i hope you are learning to trust your instincts and intuitions and listen and use them. Because i found out that most of the suspicions i had had all of those years were true, i had an entirely new respect for my instincts. Now i am just beginning to learn to hear them and act rather than question and get burned. I read an excerpt on Sandra Brown's website from the book "Fear is our greatest gift" (?) and it was very helpful in strengthening this respect for our instincts. I believe this is going to help repair my trust issues which i think may be the greatest damage i have. Likewise, altho you are painfully shy, when my children were small, we used to say that 'you make all your friends in preschool'. I don't know what your situation is, whether you will be working, going to school, and a single parent but if its possible to get involved in your child's school you will be befriended by other parents, many of which are single as well. And as daunting as it may seem to handle all that is coming up for you, the most productive time in my life was when i was so overwhelmed with a very physically and mentally challenging job in construction while a single parent of two teenagers and dealing with the N at the same time. I was the most profitable, most award winning project manager at work, my children graduated from the most advanced placement programs in high school with 3.5 gpa's and eventually i separated from the N. You can do it because you have to and it will bring better things in your life. It will also keep you very busy and probably help you sleep better. My N cost me time with my children i can never replace. He also cost me their respect in many ways for allowing this 'craziness' to go on. I believe however, it is not the messes we make that our children learn from as much as how we survive them. Altho i do feel quite often i am in La La Land (my words too) especially when i'm sitting here alone on saturday nites, some days are productive and confident while others are spent just thinking and taking things slow. For a while i didn't want to go out either but i do now. I regularly go to a matinee on the weekends alone because once the lights go down, i leave the planet into someone elses world for a couple of hours and it makes me feel stronger that i did it for myself by myself. I also started working out again, something he and i always did, and that begins to work the body and the mind and helps with the anxiety. It's also easy to take a book along to the playground with your daughter and just lose your thoughts in reading. I wish you all the best. Most of all, don't let him steal any more of your time with your child. And use this board to talk, we all get it and won't look at you like you must be crazy.

It's so difficult when others "don't get it". Makes you feel crazy. I lost a few friends in the process as well. I know for me, I have a history of depression, and when this happened to me, it sent me into a depression. I ended up starting on antidepressants which helped immensely, along with many other things. I am not a pill pusher by any means, but do you think there is a possibility that you are clinically depressed from all of this. Would you consider looking into that?

I think we now see when people aren't good for us to be around so now we don't want to know them anymore. Well, I'll speak for myself. I see people differently now and I appreciate the great friends who helped me get through this with their wise words, utter patience and truly wonderful friendship. There were some others who I realised were in deep contrast so I didn't want to know them anymore, I don't need to be the sucker anymore I can just leave them. I don't feel the same as I was before. A lot of this is good. Sometimes I hear my friends who are divorced and onto the next man, the man who comes out with "I gave my ex the house" the man who drinks too much and is hard work, or the man with issues about is life and I see right through it whereas before I was more gullable. Don't know if this makes me too cynical or not very trusting anymore or maybe just highly aware of peoples manipulation.

I've always been a bit introverted but now I really don't want to go anywhere anymore...understand where you are coming from. I do not have a child, but am consumed by his success and my failure. Some days I just don't get it. And I've let go of some folks I thought were my friends but really were not. You think people give a sh*t but they only care about themselves. Not everyone I hope, but the friends I am describing. Hang in there, you are not alone. I wish I had a solution to give you for this pain.

Yes, I have had to walk away from friends over the past 6 years, but I have 2 friends that I still talk to, one more than the other, but she had made a huge difference in my life. She has been so supportive and yes, she did voice her concerns about my N, but she has been there thru all of the good and bad and other than this forum, she has truly saved me. Maybe you have one person you could trust and open up to ?? If not, you always have us here and we are an awesome bunch of people. It amazes me how total strangers can help in a time of need. Sure, maybe they sympathize with us and maybe they scold us, but when it is all said and done, we are all here for the same reason and it is SO comforting to know that everyone here is here for each other !! And when one of us is down, all of the others feel our pain and can completely relate and pull us up from the bottom. Thanks to all of you AWESOME people on this board and thank you Lisa for realizing the importance of a relationship with an N and creating a safe place for all of us to come !!

I'm so sorry you're having a hard time. I know how you feel about girlfriends and I've done the same. You're not alone in what is going on. I think a lot of us have lost contact with friends because of what we view is crazy now. I understand and believe they don't get it unless they have gone through it. I know what you mean by sitting in the house with your daughter and not doing anything. I feel the same about my son and I. He has told me I'm boring because all I do is sit on the couch and look at the computer or TV. I want to cry because he's right and it's hard to move. I know yesterday I downloaded a fun game for he and I to play together. He is enjoying that a lot and it was a big step for me. I also bought us season passes to water park even though I've lost my job because of my N and I have little money. I don't feel like doing these things but I force myself. I guess maybe try to do the same things for you and your daughter. I do miss having girlfriends but I'm in survival mode I guess you could say. I feel lucky to have found the wall to write on because I feel connected to people that understand. This is a hard process and it's hard to not beat ourselves up. Please try to put a stop sign in your head every time you think of your horrible ex. I hope today is a better day for you. I'm thinking of you. (hugs)