I have a question

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#1 Aug 4 - 8PM
finallydone
finallydone's picture

I have a question

I've noticed that a few people on here have mentioned being fortunate enough to have moved beyond this enough and established new relationships that seem to be working.

I am so emotionally raw and am determined at the moment to stay by myself for the rest of my life. And that's on a good day. On the bad days.... I am scared to death of never ever finding love again and even thinking that if I were to find it... I could never trust it.

So intellectually I know I won't be ready for a very long time. Would be dangerous to me in terms of finding another like this or worse.... but also terribly unfair to a decent man as I'm kind of a wreck right now and imagine that's not going away anytime soon.

But in the interests of having some kind of hope for the future... how did you do it if you did? Not so much how did you meet them... but when you did meet that person, how did you trust it enough to try it again? We all know there are no guarantees in life... but I just don't think I could live through this kind of torment again. And it sometimes seems to me that avoiding it altogether would be easier.... I know it's the stage i'm in and the place I'm at. But it's been on my mind as I read some of the posts and I was just wondering if anybody had some stories to share on that?

Does that make any sense?

Aug 6 - 9AM
Marie
Marie's picture

Finallydone

I'm in the same place you are. Eventually I know it will pass as it has before. Right now I'm happy with my life the way it is. Not looking to be in a relationship any time soon because I have a lot of healing to do. My ex wants us to work things out (not the N), my husband but that has it's own baggage. The major difference is he's a good and caring man, we have just grown apart. In time when the right person comes along for you I think you will know. After this experience maybe you'll also know the red flags to look for and what your deal breakers are. When I was in my 20s after my other horrible relationship I invented my Lemon Law it saved me a lot of headaches. Some friends felt I was restricting myself as far as dating. But I'd find myself on dates with guys I had a mild interest in or to give them a chance to find they were obnoxious idiots. Or I'd sit thinking "I could be home soaking in the tub, reading, watching Tv." So the one good thing from my abusive relationship was my Lemon Law it helped sort out the riff raff. It would be a good time for you to think about what your next guy should be like, what qualities he should have and never ever make excuses for them. That was my downfall with this one, I made too many excuses. Like me and so many others on here there's still a lot of healing. I won't say time will heal all because I find that adage to be incorrect. Time will give you the chance to figure things out. Be well
Aug 6 - 9AM (Reply to #17)
tina
tina's picture

Marie

Well said. We all made too many excuses. Hopefully lesson learned.
Aug 6 - 7AM
baddream
baddream's picture

Moving on.

I know exactly what you mean. A boyfriend I had 30 years ago found me on facebook. He is "unhappy in is marriage". Well, all the alarms started to go off in my head at once. I kept a journal a long, long time ago and I found it on the shelf and read it. Guess what--the guy had N tendencies even then. I didn't have a name for it, but what I described sure sounded like one. I was a smart girl back then and broke up with him. I wonder if I am going to think that every guy I meet is an N or a psychopath. Could be. I'm just going to lay low for a long while and spend some quality time with my son and try to get my business going again. I'm also enjoying the company of my girlfriends and strengthening these relationships which were unfortunately stressed when I had to put all my resources and free time into pleasing the N in my life. I am very happy for you, finallydone. That is wonderful news you have moved on and I wish you happiness now. You deserve to have it with a wonderful man
Aug 6 - 7AM (Reply to #14)
laura (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Same Here!

An 'old' boyfriend of mine from 30 years ago recently contacted me as well. He now lives across country and came back to town to visit his family that still lives in my state. Anyway, out of the blue I received a voice mail from him wondering if I would like to meet him, his wife and 4 kids for breakfast. I thought what the heck, why not. Good lord, I can honestly tell you I couldn't wait for that breakfast from hell to be over. He went on and on how happy he was, how great his life is, how much he loves his wife and kids (wife kept a straight face but looked very uncomfortable) he asked me NOTHING about my life, children, work etc! I was never so happy to get up and say "so glad you are happy with everything and everyone in YOUR life. See ya bye." Yeah, I too was a smart girl way back then when I broke up with his self centered ass. As many smart women on this message board have said time and time again.....alone is not so bad :)
Aug 6 - 12PM (Reply to #15)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

laura & baddream

I hope you guys click on "SHARE YOUR STORY" and read mine. Psycho-Boy came out of my past from 27 years ago. There he was bored, unemployed and looking for a freebie. I was it. There's a reason an EX is an EX. If he's unhappy in his marriage and hasn't spoken to you in 30 years? WARNING!! Why is he telling you this when he's barely spoken to you in all that time? Tell him he needs counseling not an old girlfriend. and BLOCK HIM. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths
Aug 6 - 7AM (Reply to #11)
baddream
baddream's picture

I meant Renew

Sorry, I mixed up the names--It is Renew I meant, wishes for a wonderful new life with your man.
Aug 6 - 8AM (Reply to #12)
RenewD
RenewD's picture

technology

Thank you Baddream. And what is with the old boyfriends from high school coming back?!! I know so many people this has happened to. I also had a similar experience, and it seems to be the thing to do these days! I think the age of computers and cell phones makes it too easy for people to find each other. In many ways, this age of technology isn't always so good...
Aug 6 - 8PM (Reply to #13)
tina
tina's picture

So Crazy

I cannot believe it! I too was contacted by an old high school boyfriend I haven't seen in over 30 yrs. He left a voice mail saying he was in town and wondered if I would I agree to meet for dinner. I did, loved his wife and children and he too went on and on about how happy he was and how great his life was blah blah blah. He then said if I ever needed anything I could call him and he would be there for me. Huge red flag! What man says that to an old GF he hasn't seen or talked to in 30 yrs??? And in front of his wife!!! Needless to say, I was uncomfortable and embarrassed. Anyway, I went home and tried to forget about the whole thing only to have my home phone ring the very next day from him! I didn't answer and he left a msg saying how great it was to see me, how great I looked and again repeated that if I ever needed anything to call him...he lives out west, I live in Ohio! I deleted the msg and never called him back. Over the next few months, he left 2-3 additional msgs but I never returned the calls, my gut told me something was just not right. Anyway, I do agree with RenewD, technology isn't always a good thing. He found me by putting my name in google......scary. BLOCK their calls or just do not call them back. They are in our past for a reason.
Aug 5 - 9AM
RenewD
RenewD's picture

New relationships

Finallydone, I am in a relationship, and we are engaged. We plan to get married next July. I met him 14 months after I split up with my exNH. This was before I found this site, knew what narcissism was, knew about ptsd...any of that. I wasn't ready, we met accidentally when neither of us were looking for someone. I had a very hard time at first. I couldn't trust, and was so afraid of having my freedom taken away from me and being hurt again. It was rocky, I was a mess, and he didn't deserve it, but he toughed it out, and over time, I began to believe in him more and more. Then I found this site. I read Lisa's book. I read Women Who Love Psychopaths... I tested him. Ran him through all the checklists... And although he is not perfect, he is not a psychopath. I know that for sure. I know that even if things don't work out in the long run for us....he will never do to me the things my ex did. But I do really believe that we will always be able to work out any differences that we have, so I don't worry much about that anymore. He's happy that I've found this site, and that I'm getting help for my depression and my ptsd. We have been getting along so much better now than we ever did because of it. But there are days when I'd rather just be on my own too. He respects that, and gives me space when I need it. All I can say is that knowledge is power. When the day comes that you are ready to be in a relationship, and you find someone...you know the warning signs. You will know if he's a narcissist or not, and hopefully by that time, you will have healed enough to have the strength to not continue a relationship with someone you find to be another psycho... There is life after a narc. It's a long road to healing, but the right man will have compassion and patience...and help you to continue to heal... Barbara, I know I got into a relationship too soon. I was not completely healed, I still am not. I wish I had the knowledge then that I have now, it would have spared my fiancee so much aggravation. But he's been a trooper, and he's good to me. I can't turn back the hands of time, and I believe that in many ways he actually saved me....from myself. Don't worry about finding love in the future. When it's right and your ready, it'll come. Focus on now, and yourself, and where you want to be going. When you find yourself, you will know if any man is good for you or not.... ((((hugs)))
Aug 5 - 1PM (Reply to #9)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

RenewD

don't worry about my approval - at the time you didn't know better. BUT sounds like you found a keeper! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths
Aug 5 - 9AM (Reply to #7)
grossot
grossot's picture

congratulations RenewD

I'm so happy that you have found someone! Be good and true to youself always. I hope you continue to use this site I'm grateful for your advice and friendship. Its been healing. I will be checking in on you on facebook too! Congratulations! You deserve it! Be kinder than necessary to everyone you meet; for everyone is fighting some kind of battle - anonymous- :o) nolongercontrolled
Aug 5 - 9AM (Reply to #8)
RenewD
RenewD's picture

Thank you

Thanks Grossot. I am grateful too...for everyone here, and especially the closest friends I have made. It has been so helpful and healing to be a part of this board. I'm not going anywhere....I will be around, even when I don't post much. I wanted to add to my last post that my fiancee and I have been together for 16 months. We've been engaged for 8 months. I just didn't want anyone to be under the impression that anything in this relationship happened quickly....it hasn't. And it's been a long road...
Aug 4 - 10PM
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

It makes more sense than

It makes more sense than most things. You are wondering after being horribly hurt if there is life after this or if you should just stay away from any relationship as you might go through this again. You are going to do very well and the reason that I know is the people who went through what you went through and just stay silent and stay uninvolved don't ask the questions that you do. You have been poisoned by a toxic relationship and that has to have a healing period. I know that people who have had food poisoning can't ever look that offending food in the face again. this is so much worse than food poisoning. I think when you get over where you are now-hurt, shattered, and afraid you will go to another stage and that is evaluating where you have been and what you have learned. That is the first step out of the place where you went to pieces. The pieces start to come together, the edges are a little rough at first, but a new picture of you and who you are and where you have been is going to form. when that happens you will have a much better idea of where you are going. What happened to you should not have happened but it did. Now you will have a period of mourning and hurting. then you will start learning new things and moving past the old hurts. You will find yourself and then someone to share yourself with who isn't hurtful and crazy. You can bet on that.
Aug 4 - 9PM
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

finallydone

I know what you mean, you've described so much of what I go through. I feel your pain! I think you're so right about how we go though 'stages'. I decided to just relax about it and let time and healing take it's course. Getting to a point where it feels more natural where I'm not thinking about it, or worried about it ....THAT might be the 'right time'. Right now, I must admit, being without a man is working pretty well for me. I think it just has so much to do with that it's taking all my energy and focus to keep going forward, not making more mistakes or contacting THE EX (especially because he's 'acting' like he's forever just waiting in the wings). If there was a guy around, I really wouldn't have much to offer other than friendship...or just ya know, the booty thing! But even then I know what 'bonding hormones do'...I wish I missed that part in Barbara's posts...HEHE, but now that I know, I must behave...dangit! ;) If someone started talking to me about building a relationship...probably for the first time in my life, it would not have an impact. I think because we are emotionally 'numb' for a while. I could probably handle the superficial fun stuff, but yikes - no relationship talk, please! Too painful, don't trust enough, and every man out there still looks like potential trouble, rather than nice men worth knowing. I really am o.k. with the place I'm in, I feel it's normal for me. I will progress, I'm sure...If I don't eventually, time to re-evaluate.
Aug 4 - 9PM
tina
tina's picture

I do not have an answer but

how I understand. The thought of ever going through that pain again would truly be hell on earth. It has been 2 years for me and when he and I first broke up, I dated a lot but never enjoyed it. I needed to heal and feel good about myself and this can only be done when you are not in another relationship. You & I both got with these N men right at the end of our marriages. We didn't take time to heal from that before falling for two smooth talkers that said and did all that we needed at the time. They filled a void that was empty for a long time with the attention we were lacking. Right now, you are in the hardest part of your healing process, I remember how tough it was back then. The loneliness is almost unbearable and at night, the memories come flooding back. Please know you are not alone. We are all here for you. I would give anything to help you with this pain. I think of you often and wish the pain and sadness would go away but it takes time, longer than you would think because the wounds are deep and raw and the fear of getting into another relationship down the road, putting your heart out there and the possibility of it not working is unthinkable. Even now, I do worry I will never put my guard down let another man into my heart. This is a concern because love is a beautiful thing and I feel I have so much to offer someone. You are right when you said there are no guarantees but I truly believe you are good and you too have so much to offer, finallydone. You are a bright, funny, lovely woman who has been done wrong by a jerk. One day when we both are not looking, love will find us and we will look back and wonder why we wasted so much time crying over two self centered all about me spoiled men. I wish I could say or do more...
Aug 4 - 9PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

finallydone

Predators LOVE women who are "looking." The bars, the internet - 2 of the WORST places where PREDATORS HANG OUT 24/7. Go on with your life. Find something that gives you enjoyment to do. The right person finds you then. But you have to be FULLY OUT for at least 18 months... then move forward. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths
Aug 4 - 9PM (Reply to #2)
tina
tina's picture

Barbara

You are so good. Thank you for all your words of wisdom.