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I just cannot get over him

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#1 Dec 31 - 1PM
alfrebob
alfrebob's picture

I just cannot get over him

I know I am probably driving everyone nuts but I just cannot get over him. It has been nearly three years since we formally split up although I have seen him on and off over that time. I have a 2 year old with him who he is not interested in. The pain is as strong today as ever it has been. What is the matter with me?

He was the love of my life....I really and truely loved him.

How could he have done to me what he did? I try to keep strong by remembering all the crap but the good times just will not leave my head. How I could have behaved to make it work.

The thought of the GF of 15 months just eats me up inside. I have been having therapy for nearly a year and I feel no better.

There is another guy in my life who loves me and my baby but I cannot give it all to him as the pain of my ex with his partner kills me.

Me and my baby are ignored by his family completely, yet the new GF is welcomed with open arms. His family also ignore his kids from his previous marriage.

My own mum and sisters are strict religious and have nothing to do with us either because i did not marry my Narc ex.

I think I need hynotherapy. Anyone know a good one in Hertfordshire, UK?

Jan 1 - 9AM
alfrebob
alfrebob's picture

I want to thank you all

Thanks to all of you who responded to me. I was feeling so desperate but you have all given me such good advise. I managed to get to this new year in one piece and I do feel so much more positive today and that is because of the support I have received from all of you. I am now ready to try all the different suggestions and I look forward to a positive and happy future. XXXXXXXXXXX
Dec 31 - 11PM
Fawn
Fawn's picture

Alcholism & Narcs

Hi Mallory, The ex-N in my life got sober after he left. His main social scene is AA, and he talks program constantly, tells people he prays for me, whatever. I think he too smokes pot b/c everyone else in his family does and his dad also quit drinking cold turkey in his late 30's but then started smoking pot. I went to Al Anon for about a year before he moved out, and I was somewhat helped, but also hurt by the lack of understanding and awareness about mental illness. I think that lots of Ns hide behind the program b/c it allows them to just exist, not grow or change. Everything is about the alcoholism and they don't delve any deeper into WHY they self-medicate with drugs and alcohol. I also think that it is a situation that Ns love where they can just assume a new identity, get a sponsor, and make up a bunch of crap. Who is going to fact check them? The N who used to be my husband has never made amends to me for ANYTHING. He told our 3 kids a few months ago, "Sorry I ruined your lives." He is still a complete selfish N, AA or not. He now has a new circle of very disfunctional, trashy friends. One is a registered sex offender. I think he feels superior to most of the people he attends meetings with. It makes him feel like he isn't such a bad guy because he has a job and an apartment. Compared to most of the company he keeps, he is successful.
Dec 31 - 9PM
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

The way you think is

The way you think is re-inforcing how you feel. there is a therapy called ESM and is also called EFT therapy in the US that I saw work for releasing negative emotion. There is a book called "Instant Emotional Healing" by Peter Lambrou and George Pratt that describes how to do it. It uses an ancient Chinese protocol for releasing anger, fear, heartache, etc through accupressure. It really works. They have a step- by -step excercise that anyone can use to treat everday emotional roadblocks with immediate and permanent results. The authors have written books on hypnotherapy and work at a famous hospital Scripps Memorial in la Jolla, California they have a website www.gem-systems.com. they state they have 95% success. The man in your life, who cares for you and your child, might be better than the monster who devalued you. You know that but are stuck in a feelings vortex where the feelings are running you- not you controlling the feelings. It is hard. I had years of suffering so I know how you feel. It took me 7 years to get free of this but I didn't know about narcissists and all of the things we know today. You can beat this. Women are strong and you have a child to think of. Maybe part of it is you are afraid to try again with this other guy after the terrible suffering you have gone through. Be patient with yourself you are doing the best you can and your time to heal from this is unique to you. I think hypnotherapy is the right track. Have a great New Year there are good things coming for you and someday you will be pain free and able to laugh at this jerk. I promise you.
Dec 31 - 8PM
ForeverLearning
ForeverLearning's picture

Hang In There, Maybe Switch Counselors

I really feel for you in your state of mind, I have been there too, over a guy. It seems to me that sometimes, your brain chemistry can get "stuck in a rut", chemically, - which could be why you can't seem to shake the desire for this guy. I do understand. You are not alone, it has happened to most of us. Plus of course, you had a child with him. Maybe you should request to switch counselors at the Center. Maybe a fresh perspective could help you re-examine your longing for a man who doesnt want you back and has moved on. Also since your father is an alcoholic, as is mine, perhaps you should consider the 12-step program Al-Anon, for children of alcoholics. They do sometimes have day care during the meetings, at least here in the US I have seen some meetings that can arrange that. Finally, there is also a 12-step program called "Love Addicts Anonymous". I know, because I am a Love Addict. I learned alot just by reading up on the internet about Love Addiction, I read every site I could find when I googled "Love Addiction" , and by reading the book that Love Addicts Anonymous published , of personal stories of love addicts that conquered their addictions to a lost love. Good luck to you and God Bless.
Dec 31 - 1PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

alfrebob

Sandra Brown, MA offers a great hypnotherapy CD http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/hypnosis-for-repairing-the-aftermath-of-pathological-love-relationships have you been in formal therapy? Going to DV group weekly? TOTAL NC for at least 18 months? Herefordshire Women’s Aid during office hours call 01432 356146 It took me 4 years to get over a 22 month relationship with a sociopath. But I found out I'd had complex PTSD for years & years prior to that he'd just been the cherry on the sundae of all of it. ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website
Dec 31 - 1PM (Reply to #2)
alfrebob
alfrebob's picture

Barbara

I see a counsellor at the Women's Aid Centre. But I am just going around in circles. I know that there are other issues for me too. My dad was and is an alcoholic, my mother is strictly religious, goes to mass every day but shows me no love or compassion. Parents divorced since I was 7 and yes this is against my mother's strict religious views! My sisters have bullied me all my life and my mother refuses to intervene. When I have tried to explain to my sister's what my Narc ex did they say I am a drama queen and it is the rantings of a woman who is mentally ill. They say it is my choice to be a single parent late in life so I should not expect their help.On the couple of accassions that they met my ex he was charming and attentive. With regards to NC I really struggle with it and obsessively check his business website and facebook. I know it is not healthy for me but at this moment I feel that a relationship with him is better than not being with him. If only we could work it out and he behaved nicely to me, the mother of his child, as he does to new GF. They have constant jovial chats on Facebook yet with me life was a constant battle.
Jan 1 - 8AM (Reply to #11)
time_to_move_on
time_to_move_on's picture

it's probably a lie...

you have to go NC (and that means not looking at facebook etc). And you only see the romanticised version of their life online, how do you know what goes on behind closed doors? Don't forget as well, some narcs can be nice to others for months, before it starts to crack. If you go NC you won't even care about them, if you keep looking you'll torture yourself, and you don't deserve to do that to yourself, start self-care. Re. your family, I'm finding if I'm around those with drink/other issues it really sets me off. Last night was an awful New Year due to family stuff. Can you limit contact with your family or go NC? Saying to you that you are mentally ill etc is unacceptable, you need supportive people in your life. And that does not include your ex, he won't change. Pathological people don't have the awareness. As for therapists, can you afford to shop around for others if needs be? I don't know what your financial situation is, however I've just found a good one where I am up north, I'm unemployed and this is place that gives free counselling to those on the dole. Before that, I was in therapy for several years (my family is nuts) and while it was useful she didn't get personality disorders. If you have limited finances depending upon your age, situation, there may be various groups that are free (do a google search, I found my new therapist unexpectedly). If you can afford it, perhaps try out a few to see who fits. I've had some hypnotherapy, with mixed results, but I'm going to go back and find someone just to work on my confidence a bit as a bit wobbly due to not working. With hypnotherapists I've also shopped around, if you have to sit there and shut your eyes with a stranger then I find it's even more important. However, if you start by doing the NC, then you may find the therapy you are having more useful. I think it's very important to take care of yourself, this is why NC on people who aren't good for you really matters. I'm also going to try AL anon in the new year... fingers crossed it's useful. I have also found Susan Elliott's blog, getting past your past to be useful about NC, as well as her book, Getting past your breakup. She talks a lot about self-care, affirmations too. As if you cut the narc out of your life you need something else to fill the void, and that should be yourself and your new life. You really don't need the narc in your life, or poisonous people, you can do this.
Dec 31 - 4PM (Reply to #7)
curlygirl
curlygirl's picture

Alcoholism

Alfre, There's alcoholism in my family too, and for a little while, I thought that was what the Narc's primary problem was. He could go weeks without a drink but would binge, miss work and take a few days to recover. It is absolutely a problem for him, but it's not the whole story. I went to Alanon in desperation after the final D&D when I couldn't sleep or eat and hadn't figured out that he was a narc yet. Although anyone in active addiction is self-centred, I believe there's a total lack of conscience with the narcissist that is a different animal. I'm actually interested to hear whether anyone else's narc had addiction issues, and whether this is common. When I realized that my narc was a narc I wondered whether I should keep going to Alanon - I have so far and for me, it has allowed me to start unpacking some of the messages that I was given growing up. It's also somewhere for me to go to focus on me and my growth when I start to get stuck in my head thinking about the narc. I don't know if it's something you'd consider but I know that it's helped me in the last few months. It has helped me to understand my family a whole lot better and to start to undo some old damage. Curly.
Dec 31 - 10PM (Reply to #9)
malloryforest
malloryforest's picture

alcoholism

I don't know what the connection is between Narcissism and Alcoholism or addiction. My STBXNH is a "recovered" alcoholic. I put that in quotes because he still smokes pot, and is a dry drunk. He has the alcoholic behaviors without the alcohol. I believe all addicts exhibit self centered behavior and thinking. It is part of the disease. I wonder about this connection myself. Does anyone have any insight?
Jan 1 - 8PM (Reply to #10)
micala
micala's picture

narcs and alcoholism

My narc too was a dry drunk. Has not had a drink in over 30 years however EVERYTHING he does when it comes to any of his passions is completly over the top so the addiction feelings are obviously still there without the booze

micala

Dec 31 - 6PM (Reply to #8)
Ellen
Ellen's picture

Hello curly

hello curly, I I was married to someone before who used to drink. i went to alanon. I left him. that was years ago, my ex now is a narc. At first i thought he was an alcoholic but it still didn't feel right. Then he left and i figured it out. I couldn't have figured it without a d&d though. I say whatever it takes to get help do it.
Dec 31 - 1PM (Reply to #3)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

alfrebob

your family sounds seriously dysfunctional, as was mine - this sets you up for having pathologicals in your life and for serious issues 'getting past it' as well as lifetime PTSD GO NO CONTACT ON YOUR FAMILY. Please and talk to your contacts at the Women's Aid about your family as well. You will not heal until you go NC. Obsessively checking is setting you back to Day One each & every time. http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/03/20/cognitive-dissonance-obsessional-thoughts ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website
Dec 31 - 2PM (Reply to #4)
Ellen
Ellen's picture

I was going to say that too

Hi alfrebob, When i read what you said about your mum and sisters as well as your Dad, i immediately thought........she needs to get away fast from all of them. If you don't you will always feel bad about yourself. I have no contact with all my family. It has hurt and is still difficult but at least i don't feel like i am selling myself short and letting myself down as i did before.
Dec 31 - 2PM (Reply to #5)
alfrebob
alfrebob's picture

Ellen

I just want to give you a hug. I thought it was only me x
Dec 31 - 3PM (Reply to #6)
4joys4
4joys4's picture

When we contact its like

When we contact its like offering our hand to a deadly venomous snake. Looking at his sites is poison. I did this for the longest time, so I know. I didnt put it into the "contact" category, but it kept me plugged into him. We have to learn to concentrate on us and our healing. We have to learn that they will always bring only pain to us. It's hard, I know. Stay around only positive supportive people. I am learning that when a person triggers me, or I am somehow feeling anger or anxiety around someone, then they are not good for me and I should avoid them.