I just cant hold it together.

Dropping my kid off for family parties, dropping her off last christmas eve, missing some of my kids sports events to avoid the exwn, sometimes this stuff triggers me into cogdiss, fantasy thinking, remembering the good and forgetting the bad...stressful situations activating memories from the past...my mind looking for a solution for the pain I am feeling right now, as if a hug and a kiss from a narc could really fix a fucking thing, like I said, fantasy thinking. It's normal, what's really so wrong with shedding some tears in the car driving away from a family party anyway, tears are good, unconscious feelings being brought to the surface and to the light. Tears are signs of healing taking place. Nobody said it was always easy, but it is totally worth it. Each day we grow, some days it doesn't feel like it, but overall this process is fairly predictable. Google the 5 stages of grieving. ds

Make a counseling appointment. It's ok to cry. He wants you to feel this way, they are diseased. You, are just grieving the loss. Here is a hug! Coffee

Its PTSD ,i found i had the same thing , when i would go for a long time feeling alright then something would trigger me and i was right back there forgetting about his condition , going back to thinking he is normal and the fake personas are real and that he would give me a hug and everthing would be ok .I left my narc too . What i found and find is theses set back get shorter and shorter the more time gose on . Its time like theses that the jornal comes in handy so you can reread all the terrible things he has done and how it makes you feel , its times like theses that you re read the board and get that cog diss swinging back in the right direction . Little baby steps for the next few days, stick close to the board and we will see you through .. Scoop x

I have been there! Just months ago. I know how you're feeling and it's horrible. I wanted to die. But now, I feel amazing. Know that you are walking through the fire! There is an end to this suffering. It will be over soon. You will look back and be so proud of yourself! You are teaching your children how to love themselves. Because it's hard and painful doesn't change the fact that you love and care for yourself enough to keep moving forward. It's been 8 months since I kicked psycho out and because of the kids I still have to deal with him. I'm just now working on my list of behaviors, incidents, and situations that remind me why I DON'T WANT THIS MAN. If you can, make you're list. Stop imagining the 'good times'. Those were not real! Stop trying to understand 'why'! I did this all the time! WE CAN NOT UNDERSTAND INSANE. We will never know why things happened the way they did. The goodtimes were good because WE made them up. The person we were sharing them with was NOT REAL. You can do this! You are living one of the hardest parts of this process. Please stay focused on the truth. Its so hard to so when we want to bad to believe and have been brainwashed for so long.