I know I have read the message posts.....

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#1 Jul 2 - 7AM

Bittersweet

I know I have read the message posts.....

Everyday is like a rollercoaster for me, i feel strong, then I feel lost, then I feel used and hurt. I know that everything was a lie and I am better off deep down, but I wish i could erase him like he has erased me.

Some of my most memorable moments in my life were with him, he took me places i have never been, wine and dined me, would give me endless massages and tell me I was his dream girl and he would never get over me.

Before meeting him i was so content with being single (single for two years) - I was only with him five months and he turned my world upside down. I am ashamed that I would let someone do that. He told me he knew how and where he was going to propose to me, gave me a promise ring and told me I was the most amazing person he ever met.

I am 32, and totally fell for it being that I am in a place in my life that i want to have a family and settle down. You here of people meeting, falling in love and getting married all the time, like a dream come true, why wouldnt i believe it.

My mom was basically planning a wedding in her head that is how perfect all seemed to be with us. I am having trouble letting this go, it haunts me like the worst nightmare and i cant wake up. my stomach is in knots every morning and night.

I cant stop thinking about all our exciting plans we were going to make, we both love halloween, christmas, we were going to have thanksgiving at his house and invite both of our families, this weekend is particular hard with the fourth. I want to erase these thoughts, I wish it were that easy.

Any advice out there to help me realize, he was not the right guy for me.

Not to mention, I introduced him to a sacred part of my life that no other guy has been a part of, a few special getaways where I used to escape guy troubles. I let him IN to my WHOLE World, something I have never given a guy and he just snatched it, stomped all over it and ran away to the next person.

Not to mention his family was all about us, I dont get that, like he had never been this way with a girl before. His mom said she could tell we were in LOVE. Also, she said he has never been this way for a girl before and he told me that I was different too, how could one not fall into this trap? It hurts

#2 Jul 5 - 4PM

Lisa E. Scott

Bittersweet

I'm so sorry you are going through this right now. This is the hardest part - realizing him for who he is and seeing how easily he can move on. Narcissists are not human and do not have the ability to feel any empathy for anyone. Do not beat yourself up. You have done nothing wrong and it's natural to feel the way you do right now. Be patient with yourself and take time to heal. Stay strong and know we are here for you. Big Hugs, Lisa

#3 Jul 2 - 11AM

Barbara (not verified)

Bittersweet

There's NOTHING wrong with you. Please read LISA's BOOK (link on the right of this site) then get a copy of WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS. You were seduced, brainwashed and controlled. Right now you are trying to deprogram ALL BY YOURSELF. That won't happen. First, seek therapy - short term: my recommendations: http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/counseling-ctr/a-path-to-recovery-start-here Brown's coaches & therapists GET IT about these guys. and NO CONTACT - not with him, his mother, nothing. We have all been thru or are going thru that profound hurt. It does get better but it takes a lot longer with an N or P than with a "normal" jerk. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

#4 Jul 2 - 7AM

Bittersweet

Also

I tried to reach out to his mom awhile back and she never responded, we used to talk on the phone, this is what i wrote "got into work at 7am this morning, early birds get the worm." "I just wanted to reach out to you because I dont know if there is really anything else I can do, I love your son , he is the sunshine in my day. We have been having difficult times, but it seems he has cut me off completely and doesn't want anything to do with me. I realize this may be an uncomfortable email to receive, but I am in a hard place right now (heartbroken). I didnt know if there were any words of wisdom you could share with him to help him see how much I care. I know you are close to him and I am not sure what he has shared with you about our situation. All I know is how I feel and I would do anything for him. I know the other alternative is to move on, but I really feel like our connection cannot be matched." No response, coming from the lady that used to tell me how special i was and full of light. I know her allegiance is to her son, but she shouldnt have tried to get close to me over the phone and call me if she was unsure if it was going to work. I really feel like a dope and today is her birthday and i am still entertaining sending an ecard - what is wrong with me?

#5 Jul 2 - 9AM (Reply to #2)

finallydone

There is nothing wrong with you

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. All of us here know exactly how you feel. I have to start touting the book that Barbara tells us all to read - Women Who Love Psychopaths. I started it this morning and am halfway through. I just closed the door on my N yesterday by finally getting my house refinanced and him off the title. What you are feeling is absolutely normal. I had the best moments of my life too - but they were really very very rare times - but they are soooo amazing that they are like bait that keeps us hooked. I just got completely cut off coldly by his family as well... people that I had spent holidays with, bought gifts for, spent hours in personal conversations with... he has convinced them all that I have done something awful to him. Expecially the mother.... Sounds like you have a very very similar situation... but is is like everything you will read on here. I have learned there is no getting around the pain, there is no making real good sense of it because the only answer is that they are disordered and trying to explain it with our rational minds and our empathetic natures gets us absolutely nowhere and that is where all the pain keeps coming from. I realized this morning that I don't think the pain I'm experiencing right now is because I actually miss him at this point. His cruelty and dragging things out for the last five months has allowed me to go through all the stages of grieving (although I believe it's possible to circle back through stages) I have had DENIAL, BARGAINING, SADNESS, ANGER and am now as close to being in acceptance as I will get at the moment... hopefully it will get better with time. I believe the pain I'm feeling right now is that this actually happened to me and spending time understanding the things about my personality that allowed in in a sense. Not that it's my fault and IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT EITHER. It's that we are a type of person - you are probably very compassionate, empathetic, tolerant and you believed that underneath anything he did... he was that way too. He was just wounded. That's my guess based on everything I've read and studied over the last four years up to and including this message board and Women Who Love Psychopaths book. Read read read... keep posting... listen to Lisa's radio show. You hang in there sweetie.

#6 Jul 2 - 12PM (Reply to #3)

Marie

Bittersweet

If I could erase all my memories of him I would. My life was a rollercoaster too. Once things started changing in the relationship everyday was a mystery as to what to expect. I don't miss that part of it. When I think of the good times it was really only in the beginning after about 6months good times were few and far between. I was just separated getting used to being on my own. Nervous about being on my own definitely not looking to get involved with anyone. For a year I was able to keep him at bay as just a friend. I'm a designer and a fairly successful one but that changed too because I was unable to keep up with client demands. I've been working hard to get my company out of the red and regain the confidence of clients I still have, while trying to make new ones. I'm eagerly awaiting my copy of Women Who Love Psychopaths, have already read Sociopath Next Door. Reading other people's stories have helped so much. You are in your 30s I'm in my 40s this knows no age limit. That I think was part of the appeal he made me feel like a kid again. He was a lot of fun very romantic but it was all just a show. After months of trying to make sense as Finallydone has said there is no making sense of this. They are warped people so being a normal person you cannot understand their twisted world. Everyday is a new day and it's your choice as to what kind of day you will have.I know that might sound trite but you have to begin taking positive steps for yourself. I wasted so many days crying, making myself sick to my stomach when he just went about with his life (this I know from friends). He already found his next victim and was sweeping her off her feet, while I laid in my bed wanting to die. I wish you well. Marie

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