I know I should be happy...but am hurt that ex-N never contacted me again

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#1 Dec 14 - 12AM

Leah

I know I should be happy...but am hurt that ex-N never contacted me again

I believe his semester just finished.
Part of me thought he might try to contact me around now.
Nada. And why am I surprised...?

I know he's toxic for me. I don't want him back.
I do still miss the facade of the 'nice guy,' but I know that's just part of recovery.

It's my ego, I guess. It hurts for someone to walk away like that, especially without warning...a cruel breakup call...mixed messages. And I had just spent almost $1000 to visit him, 4 weeks before the discard.

I made an 'NC violation' in week 4 (I found the AAH board in week 8 or 9), when I contacted one of his friends, because he introduced me to her months before & we had fallen out of touch. I was also in narc fog, and asked her, point blank, if it was okay for me to contact him to make amends. She said it would be better to wait until the end of the semester, if I wanted a 'clearer, less stressed' response from him. From that point forward, we only talked about our lives, no narc mentioning at all.

At 1st she was really happy to hear from me...we have a lot in common re: our spiritual orientation. When I told her I was moving to the Bay Area, she offered to ask friends if they had a place for me to stay (she's not there, but from there originally). She did 'warn' me that she had to 'clear' our staying in touch with ex-N. Within a week of our initial e-mail exchanges (which were very spiritual, super-warm & friendly), she disappeared...didn't even have the courage to tell me ex-N hadn't 'approved' our contact. Funny how it was fine with him previously, but now it wasn't? And she struck me as very self-aware & conscious. In fact, the focus of her spiritual work is to help women on a global level. But she couldn't show the common courtesy to me, a fellow woman...to say that she was kow-towing to his manipulation and would no longer be in touch....? If she's going to facilitate healing for women, shouldn't it start with her own personal interactions? She & I are in our mid/late-thirties...we're not children. I couldn't believe it. Just disappeared.

Maybe that's why ex-N never contacted me...my contacting his friend made him super rageful?

I remember I was at a ceremony with my spiritual community the weekend before she went e-mail-MIA. The ceremony was in the countryside, late at night under a blanket of stars & FALLING stars, to boot. During the ceremony, I 'heard' him say, 'No!' in an angry tone...registered right in my consciousness. Through the ethers, I heard him...I'm really psychically sensitive (which is a blessing AND a curse).

It took me several weeks after that to make the connection between the timing of me 'hearing' his 'no' and her internet disappearance.

Ugh. When I think of both of them, judging me...it feels really icky. I really can't understand this kind of behavior.

I still feel rejected & abandoned. By both of them.

Even though I don't want to be with him, it still hurts that he could discard me & walk away like that. During the afternoons I teach private ESL lessons to adults in Starbucks...and the incessant X-mas music makes me think of him. He was Catholic. He's on my mind all the time...ugh. It feels disgusting.

I've never felt so miserable during the holidays. Yet I was brought up Jewish, and now I'm into shamanistic traditions...I don't even celebrate Christmas! Nonetheless, this holiday season post-narc is awful. I'm lucky I have a lot of friends (IRL & here!) to remind me that I'm so much more than this narcness. But when I'm out in the world all day (because of the kind of teaching I do, I'm relatively alone), I seem to forgot who I am & the co-dependency is at its worst.

I should go to a CoDA meeting this week...it might help me.
I'm okay. Just really sad. Depressed. Still (?!) shocked by D&D...13 weeks out. It's like I can't shake off the shock. (shaking my head)

Thanks for listening all,
Leah

#2 Dec 17 - 12PM

Deidre99

Leah...I think I replied,

Leah...I think I replied, but can't find my comment lol But...I'll reply again. I read your opening post again, and I think that you hit the nail on the head about your childhood. That is what the problem is moreso (I think) that the ex n. I haev the issue myself...I grew up with an emotionally abusive person. I will say this. That I wonder sometimes, as narcs need ''supply'' if some of us need supply of a different order. Like for me. I craved the affirmation ...BUT affirmation from an emotionally detached person, such as a narc. If an emotionally detached person could affirm me..somehow, I'd heal from the pains of the past. WRONG. I just kept seeking more and more affirmation...until I finally landed on this narc. I see that for you too. It could be you thought subconsciosly that if you could only receive what you longed for from your mom...in another emotionally detached person...you'd be healed. So...it might be the ''supply'' of what the narc gave you, and not the narc himself that you miss so much. I know this is the case for me. And I am the one who said goodbye, and struggling today, too. He never replied. I didn't expect him to. I don't want him to. But, maybe a small piece of me does want him to. Only to know that he cared. And that's not about him. It's about my need for the supply that he gave to me. Just food for thoughts. Hang in there...you are braver than you think.

#3 Dec 17 - 10PM (Reply to #79)

Leah

Deidre99, thanks for sharing your thoughts

I agree 100%. I recently read that if we grew up with a PDI, then we unconsciously seek out similarly disordered partners, to 're-enact' the parental relationship, somehow hoping to 'get it right' or to heal it. Exactly what you said. Yes, I consider myself co-dependent, and I'm shocked to see how I was addicted to this man. And still am, because I still miss some aspects of him. I think I miss the attention, but his kind of attention was very empty. So I'm addicted to an emotionally unpresent man. It's like 'reverse' supply...with the same effect & addiction. I need to work on me & my addiction. But I keep focusing on missing him...I'm still wrapped up in the addiction. Thanks for your supportive words & encouragement. -Leah

#4 Dec 15 - 1PM

Hunter

Leah

Hi Chickie, OMG, look how popular you are. You should be proud of how far you've come. Pretty soon you'll be replacing Briseis, ( she's my personal favorite). That Narc doesn't know what he lost. You deserve so much better. Be glad he's gone. I'm glad your here, I'm so excieted for you and your new beginnings. I'll say it again, SF, can I hide in your suitcase? Oxox i

#5 Dec 15 - 7PM (Reply to #71)

Leah

you got me to laugh...that's amazing

And now I'm crying...because I almost never laugh anymore. I fake laugh with my students...to appear sane & 'normal.' I put on an act all day to be the 'teacher' they expect. I'm sad that I've lost that part of myself... the part of me that enjoys life & laughs. I spent over ten years, after leaving my parents' home at age 18, in therapy...trying to find 'me' after a childhood with a PD'd mom (BPD/NPD)...which was horrific. And then I date someone who D&D's me the way my mom used to, except she did it every day, or every week. Him D&D'ing me has rocked my core because I thought, after my mom, I'd never be foolish enough to let someone into my life who could hurt me that much, ever again. I thought I was done with f*ckd up, crazy people. Him D&D'ing me has been like deja vu...going back 30 years. Him D&D'ing me woke me up to the fact that: - I still have deep wounds from my PD'd mom that need attention - most of my ex-bf's were PD', too I think that's why I'm so depressed & can't authentically laugh anymore. The D&D from ex-N triggered deep emotional stuff that I'm just beginning to deal with. Thanks for making me laugh. I needed that. And while I appreciate your saying it, I don't feel I've come far at all. I was still on the verge of tears on the subway platform tonight. I'm glad YOU'RE here. Without you & the gals...I might've really lost it by now. Yes, you can hide in my suitcase. As long as you don't have any carry on luggage. (that's the funniest I can get right now...hopefully I'll do better in a few months) Lots of hugs, Leah

#6 Dec 16 - 10AM (Reply to #72)

Hunter

I like to laugh

Leah, you will be happy again. All we can do at this point is laugh. It's such a joke, isn't it? You write very well, I need help in that dept. I can speak better than I write so when you settle in I'd love to talk with you. I have some fun friends in SF I'd like to introduce you to. The D&D, the silence, it's a true killer. It's hard to believe these predators walk the earth, they do. I still beleive there is good in the world and you will find it again. You have a loving heart and you may not think so right now ,your strength is very impressive. Hang in my friend. Oxox

#7 Dec 16 - 10PM (Reply to #73)

Leah

Thanks

for being so supportive...when I'm such a mess. Tonight I facilitated my last women's circle in this city, before I move. It was a beautiful circle; will explain more about circles another time, promise. And even though the circle was very moving & I barely focused on the ex-N, when I got off the subway train & walked towards home...the tears came. And I'll cry before I go to bed. For sure. The silence breaks my heart. And his birthday is on Tues., and I know I cannot contact him. I can't break NC. I really don't feel strong. I hide my feelings all day & then cry in private. I have stomachaches all week...holding in those feelings. I'm a mess. Sorry I'm not able to be positive for more than an hour at a time...I felt really good after circle tonight...then I headed home alone & narc thoughts filled my head. Thanks for being awesome. And you write well, what are you talking about? You don't need my help with that! Looking forward to connecting soon! Thanks for being patient. This move...making lots of decisions about it every week...working almost full time...my head is spinning...plus making it through each day with NC. Hugs, Leah

#8 Dec 17 - 10AM (Reply to #77)

Hunter

Leah

Ps I think you are beating yourself up to much too. You are a thinker, think this through. My guess is this guy is a huge loser. Would you want that long term? Look at what you have vs him. You have everything, he is empty,w/ nothing. Yuck!

#9 Dec 17 - 9AM (Reply to #74)

Hunter

Leah

I'm sorry you are so sad. It really breaks my heart. I'm still sad too but its just a little twing. I know how you feel. Do not, do not ,wish him a happy birthday. This jerk deserves none of your love. I have 2 truly awesome girlfriends who help me resurrect from the dead. One was Narced for 8 yrs(she's the one who left a chicken leg in one of his coat pockets) My friends know my strengh, they saw me die. What these creeps do is criminal. I hope you have a friend local to help you. If not please call me. I can listen to this as long as you need. I understand. Keep doing what you are doing. It will be ok, I promise. Oxox me

#10 Dec 17 - 10PM (Reply to #75)

Leah

Hi thanks for being so supportive

I hope you're okay & feeling good. I'm just really sad, sometimes angry...depressed. I'll be fine, no worries. I'm going to e-mail Betty to give her my e-mail address. I have a moving sale in my apt. this weekend, so I'll be home & can check the boards more often. Thanks for all the hugs & caring, Leah

#11 Dec 18 - 11AM (Reply to #76)

Hunter

Leah

Hi Chickie, I cant believe you. You are such an Amazing person. Look at the journey you are on. Dont let this Narc take you down. Im pretty sure you won't. For me its probablly the same for you,I just want to have a noraml conversaton and get answers. We must realize that's never going to happen. Crazy = Crazy. Good luck with your sale. Do you have anything good?? :) I like antiques. Maybe my Narc will stop by with his mom and buy something. TEEHEE.. If you see him please trip him down the stairs just for me. OXOXOX Hunter

#12 Dec 14 - 9PM

jen79

Leah

One day he will contact you again, I promise you. And I hope you are prepaired till then, to not get a heart attack. Its really the time for you, your silence speaks loud, and one day he will try it again. And I hope till then you are already in a better place. Hugs

#13 Dec 17 - 10PM (Reply to #68)

Leah

Jen79, do you really think

he'll contact me again? Even you agreed (in a post below) that my e-mailing his friend caused him a narcissistic injury and he'll never forgive me after that. I really doubt it. Which I know is ultimately a good thing. I think Briseis reminds me, somewhere below, that I always assume that when someone is angry with me, it means I did something wrong. So I've been beating myself up for contacting ex-N's friend...because it clearly pissed him off...which wasn't at all my intention. So if that means he'll never contact me again...I guess that's fine. I still feel so sad that someone can get so angry with me for something that I didn't do with malice. And that they can walk away like this. As I've shared in some other posts...the silence is very LOUD. It feels like white noise in my ears. : / So, I would bet $1,000 that he never contacts me again, Especially if I don't contact him on his birthday, which is Tuesday. He'll write me off for good if he doesn't hear from me. Which he won't. Jen, thanks for listening & being so supportive, Leah

#14 Dec 17 - 11PM (Reply to #69)

Hunter

Round1 my Narc always

Round1 my Narc always recycled. Then 20 yrs later again. They really do cycle. You see they wait till your cured then they strike again. The mind of a true nut case. Just be prepared . Also read what happens when you get fooled and go back for a taste.

#15 Dec 14 - 9PM

anonymous

Leah - A Way to Change Your Thinking

Leah - this is so hard, I know. I thought of two things reading through your post and all of the responses that might help you. 1) Switch your thinking around regarding No Contact. No Contact is yours. It is for you. It is YOUR way of dumping HIM. You dumped him. Now I know what you're saying - he dumped you and the silence is deafening. And you're setting milestones in your brain that maybe he'll contact me now at the end of the semester. Or if not, maybe at the anniversary of us hooking up? Or maybe at the anniversary of our breaking up? Do you know how I know that you're thinking this? Because I thought it too up until the anniversary of the dumping occurred. And then I realized that I misunderstood No Contact. I was thinking of it as a form of punishment to him. But it's not - No Contact is a dedication to yourself to rid yourself of this mean, lowclass jerk. You dumped him. 2) My story is a little different than yours in that even though my ex-narc dumped me, he still wanted to be best friends and work together. And he would never give me the ultimate closure by growing some cojones and saying that we weren't meant to be together. Instead, he told me he loved me and blamed our breakup on the fact that I have a child and he implied that he would move on to find someone else, but that perhaps one day, when my daughter was grown, if he hadn't found anyone, he would deign to try again with me in like ten years (the farkin' bastard). So I struggled with whether or not I should keep the jerk in my life and finally decided to end it. And I will say something for him - he at least has honored my request for no contact and he hasn't tried in almost a year. And in the beginning, that made me really sad. Because I missed him so much and when I was still viewing NC as punishment to him. I didn't get my eyes opened until I saw a friend, a lady who is like a second mom to me, going through a push-pull crappy situation with her own narc ex-bf. And I saw how manic it was making her - crazy for his attention but paranoid at the same time that he was screwing around behind her back. And I felt a wave of gratefulness to the narc (as weird as that may sound) that he was not contacting me. The way I've looked at it since then is like this - at this moment, right now, I am not being manipuated. I am not being lied to. I am not being gaslit or beign projected upon. I AM NOT BEING ABUSED. No Contact - and gratefully so. (((Leah)))

#16 Dec 14 - 11PM (Reply to #66)

Leah

Morty, I really need to turn this around to be about me

don't I? I feel like that's what a lot of you are telling me. I need to focus on myself. And if I really do that, then NC will feel supportive, not suffocating. Do I get that right? That's gonna take a lot of shifts in my brain. I feel pretty weak, vulnerable and stuck right about now. But that's because I haven't turned a corner yet. You all tell me that eventually I will turn a corner. So part of doing that is me recognizing what will help me heal the most...what will support me taking care of myself. Thank you for the perspective, I need it. Right now I'm stuck in the forest and can't see the trees. Wow. This is really a process. Sometimes I feel forward momentum, sometimes I don't. I'll trust that it's going the way it's supposed to, and that if I maintain NC, I'll reach that level of serenity. Thanks so much for your words & the hugs. Hugs of thanks, Leah

#17 Dec 14 - 4PM

michele115 (not verified)

Yes it hurts

That they walk away without closure and never make amends or contact us... BUT this is what they do... And in a way, it is a blessing... But don't beat yourself up cause you're not happy he hasn't...we do have some pride and would like to think it mattered. Unfortunately for them it did not... But this is a great learning experience and we will move forward and grow and become all that we were meant to be. In suffering there is ALWAYS growth - something he will never benefit from. Be blessed my dear, a wonderful new life awaits you and his not contacting you allows you to move forward without interruption, obstacles, second guessing or confusion. It is a gift.

#18 Dec 14 - 8PM (Reply to #58)

Leah

Michele115, I wish I didn't have pride

and I know a lot of you are reminding me to see this as a blessing, as a gift...something to be grateful for. I know eventually that'll sink in for me. Briseis said something below about how when my experience of cognitive dissonance fades, it will become easier for me to see it all more objectively and to be grateful that he never contacted me. Thanks for sending blessings and for reminding me that I'll become more of who I am meant to be without him than with him. I have a hard time remembering that. Hugs of thanks, Leah

#19 Dec 17 - 11AM (Reply to #59)

spinning

This is a great thread, thank you...

to all who are offering support and hope and the benefit of your experiences. This is day 40 of NC for me and like Leah, I am surprised at how hurt I feel that he hasn't tried. I know I do not want him in my life,but I do not feel relief from his absence. I am consumed by thoughts of his cruelty and my stupidity. I am told by the few who know the gruesome details that I am too hard on myself; that I should just "let it go." I want to do this so badly but feel "stuck" in this vast wasteland of destruction he left behind. I know I am a very strong person, that's why he chose me and that's why he had to D & D so harshly and leave the area, disappear. I want to feel the victory but don't. Please keep posting honest ladies. Your all so strong and smart and real. I need the reality and want to feel good. Leah, I'm pulling for you and know exactly what you're feeling. I send out the good vibes to you and to all... Sincerely (trying to stop) spinning

spinning

#20 Dec 17 - 11PM (Reply to #64)

Leah

Spinning, thanks for

joining the thread & for your support. I'm okay, just really depressed. I think I really need to get medication. You're strong, and without you & all the gals, I wouldn't be able to handle the aftermath of the D&D. Really. Much thanks & hugs, Leah

#21 Dec 17 - 11AM (Reply to #60)

Hunter

I've missed my Narc for 25

I've missed my Narc for 25 yrs. He finds me again and the head F&$; is a killer. What took one yr to rebuild with him, he took down in 5 minutes. He is and your narc is a POS. Think of you and who you are. You loved that's all you did. You will find someone else who will be worthy of that love. I ve been Narced twice by the same creep. As they say a leopard doesn't change his spots. Life is good, and better when there is no abuse. Look at what you have and embrace it. Put the trash at the curb. I know it's hard, I miss him everyday, I am vain myself, I won't let him win. I know you are better than he could ever be. All these N's have a pattern. "Losers" Be Strong! Oxox

#22 Dec 17 - 11PM (Reply to #63)

Leah

This was good for me to read

again... I need to read this stuff again and again and again. My brain is like a broken record. Decades of therapy ahead of me... I'll try to let it sink in. You're awesome, Leah

#23 Dec 17 - 12PM (Reply to #61)

spinning

Thank you

Love that last paragraph. So honest. So true. I, too, refuse to let him take me down, though he gave it a pretty good try. An excellent try, actually, which was DESIGNED to destroy me. Thank you for the support and for the truth. I know he's a LOSER and I have so much more than he ever will. High five to you, Idealk...this has helped me immensely get through the next hour. Sincerely (trying to stop) spinning

spinning

#24 Dec 17 - 12PM (Reply to #62)

Hunter

I'm here to help! I'm better

I'm here to help! I'm better but not 100%. You need live support. Are you seeing a thearpist? Do you have a BFF? I also posted yesterday, one of my customers who is a recovering alcoholic really help me. In fact he was my biggest support. Every day for him is a struggle and every day is a success. It's the same for us. Again I feel your pain, please stay NC. The guys are truly nuts! That's the real truth. :( try and enjoy the Holiday's. Enjoy the good moments, you will live again. Oxox

#25 Dec 14 - 4PM (Reply to #47)

StillHurting

They are so glib....

I said to Narc... It seems you have met new people, what is this person going to take my place or something? Narc: What the hell are you talking about? Me: I get the feeling I should be hitting the road here. I am not on board with what you are doing, so you probably are only going to want people around who support this. I do not. Maybe I should not be in your life and space anymore. Narc: Well, that's up to you, if that's how you feel. Oh no he didn't! Oh yes, he did. Wouldn't a normal person say something like nobody is taking your place, that's not true, you know I love you or whatever. It sounds like he just does not care.

#26 Dec 14 - 8PM (Reply to #53)

Leah

StillHurting

Yes, sometimes I had that kind of dialogue with my ex-N. Because we were long-distance, we spent a lot of time on the phone. while he was willing to listen to me share about my day for a long time, he rarely had any reflection on it or anything really supportive to say. He would just say things like, 'you had a tough day,' or something like that. It was weird. And because my support style involves a lot of active listening, phrasing things back to people and sharing reflection, sometimes I felt the imbalance in our communication styles. In fact, sometimes he would criticize my reflection or my phrasing things back to him to get clarification. He actually didn't appreciate someone who knew how to be a supportive listener... it usually annoyed him. But he would show it in subtle ways because he was passive aggressive; he would never come out and tell me. Thanks for sharing and listening, Leah

#27 Dec 14 - 9PM (Reply to #54)

StillHurting

Leah

Yes, it is all very tough going. I feel bad for him if he is having issues with all these things. I really do. I just don't know what else I can do to help. I feel he is better since knowing me. At least now he asks how my day is going, etc. But if you say not so good, he doesn't know what to say or whatever. He is throwing such a good person away. I wish he would wake up, but I think he has done the best he can. He is out whipping it up somewhere dressed as who knows what, and I am the one sitting here in tears. So what can I say? You are lucky you got out early is all I can say. You are gong to have a good outcome. I am sure of it.

#28 Dec 14 - 9PM (Reply to #55)

Leah

StillHurting

thanks for the vote of confidence. This is the worst I've felt in the past... 10 years or so. I've had bouts of depression, I've had moments when I didn't have enough money to pay for my bills... but this sadness and shock is totally new for me. StillHurting, they do seem to always be throwing good people away, don't they? According to one of the books I read, they're always in search of their ideal mate. from the way they use us, abuse us and discard us... it seems more like they are always in search of themselves. I totally understand the tears. The urge to cry is almost always sitting in my throat, and I only let it out when I get home. I'm sad that you're still in so much pain. I'm sure you're going to have a good outcome too. Sending hugs, Leah

#29 Dec 15 - 8PM (Reply to #56)

Susan32

In search of themselves...

I think that's very apt, considering how Ns/Ps engage in mimicking/idealizing. When I told my mother how the ex-P would get angry when I wore dresses, she said it was because I wasn't reflecting HIM. Wearing dresses showed I was different from him. If I was a tomboy, he was OK. No nasty comments. Are Ns/Ps in search of an ideal mate of the opposite sex? With some, I think so. Leo Tolstoy expected Sofia to be his Ideal Woman... he expected her to renounce her "love of entertainment" (music was forbidden in his house,and he purposefully took her sister to a ball instead of her) because he had written it in "Family Happiness." He expected her to be his Ideal Woman. He expected her to nurse even when she couldn't and when she came down with mastitis. I think there are heterosexual Ns/Ps who fit the Casanova/Don Juan mold. On the other hand, there's my ex-Psych professor. I think he definitely would've ogled me and sized me up if I were male. He tried to make me jealous around other men, NOT other women. When he knew I was interested in philosophy, he said "I want to be a philosopher." When he knew I was interested in religion... suddenly he was interested. The ex-P expected me to be his cloned copy. I was D&D'd, not for a bimbo or supermodel... but a very manly woman. His LDR girlfriend wore pants suits, tank tops, jeans. She even had a crew cut like him. She'd wear quirky glasses like him. I didn't know who he truly was. I don't think HE knew who he truly was.

#30 Dec 17 - 11PM (Reply to #57)

Leah

Susan32

I don't think they know who they are. But then again, for me, I now see that my co-dependency keeps me from knowing who I am...what I want...too. So I feel like I'm just as challenged by addiction as the narc is. That's just how I feel about my way of responding to the relationship and the D&D. Thanks as always, Leah

#31 Dec 14 - 4PM (Reply to #48)

Susan32

"It shouldn't matter to you that I already have a girlfriend"

That's what the ex-Psych professor said to me. Well, it MATTERED to me and I made sure it MATTERED to him. He hoovered me after I met his fiancee, so I just ignored him. The most I'd say to him was "hi." In a sense, I left him without closure because I left town without telling anyone. He also didn't like it that I didn't give him my address/phone number for when I moved off-campus. He didn't give me closure. He didn't respect me enough to tell me he had a girlfriend (I asked him numerous times over my junior year) Why should I give him any? If a Narc asks you for a mile, give him an inch. If you're feeling that generous.

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