I left, he didn't - why is this different from so many?

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#1 Feb 16 - 6PM

breakingfree

I left, he didn't - why is this different from so many?

I left. He didn't. I was the one who had just had enough of the not caring. Couldn't take it anymore. Although he has a history of having more than 1 woman in his life at a time, that doesn't seem to be the case this time for him. It's not like he found someone else to be his source and I was out. I walked away.

We have been separated for 3 years (as I have mentioned before). He has not once asked what he can do to make things right or taken care of the illegal tax issue he created and lied to me about which now can cause me huge legal troubles. Yet he still has not started seeing anyone else. So, although it seems that almost everyone on these message boards says that "they leave you for someone else", can it be that that is not always the case?

#2 Feb 19 - 1PM

itreallyisabouthim

I left, too

Mine was much as you described. I just got fed up with him not caring and living his life just for him - what was the point? He was trolling for new supply but had not *yet* found a taker, and I knew that once he got a tug on his line he would suddenly decide he was not happy, either. But I had been talking to attorneys even before any of that happened - I was done. He did not try to hoover me back in, either. And yet. A flaming narc. Just not predominantly of the somatic variety.

#3 Feb 19 - 8PM (Reply to #24)

agnesmurphy17

I left him

My N's abuse was getting to be over the top. Moving into physical abuse. Suggesting a joint suicide really pushed me over the edge. I was suffering panic & anxiety attacks. I lived in constant fear of Mr. Hyde. I couldn't function any more. I just left. Didn't know where I was going or what I was doing. But I just had to leave or go insane. He was ENRAGED that I left. But, with his friends, he played the victim. The abandoned man whose beloved (but unstable) wife just up & left him. But . . . he found a new woman to move in within 4 months. A friend of one of his supporters. I suppose new woman got involved with handholding & they just fell in love. I bet she's still wondering why any woman would leave such a sensitive man? She'll learn. He was very nice to me when I got involved. Had just ended . . . like just ended with another woman when we started. I often wondered why she left such an amazingly smart, educated, successful, handsome & well-employed man. Now I know.

#4 Feb 17 - 3PM

AnotherPath

I left mine, or rather he

I left mine, or rather he was arrested and couldn't come back. He tried to get back with me and when that wasn't successful he now hates me. He didn't have one lined up but tried for 2 years without success as they didn't last more than weeks, now he has a new victim of 4 months. He met her on the internet and flashed his cash and charm, but now has lost his job and is telling my lawyer he's gong bankrupt. New victim has a small child and owns her flat. She's set to loose everything, including her self esteem and sanity. Not my problem.

Ending the dance

#5 Feb 16 - 11PM

Piscesdream

Oh yeah, I totally left

Oh yeah, I totally left mine. Doesn't mean he wasn't/isn't lying to anyone and everyone around him about being single. Lol!

#6 Feb 16 - 11PM (Reply to #21)

aceonelady

i left too...

I lert mine too after he told me he wasnt atracted to me and that sex with me was gross but he didnt wanted me to leave,i was visiting him from Europe it was october2008 and he asked me to stay till New Year,we could stay friends but i left begin december after getting a lot of gaslighting,withdraw.cold shoulder and rages !He also didnt had any Other woman at that time.

Aceonelady

#7 Feb 16 - 9PM

helpmefromn (not verified)

I left mine..

I left mine .. but found out much later that while i was with him, he was lining someone up, and that girl is his gf now. But I too was fed up and left and my intuition was right on. Yours could have someone and you don't know..

#8 Feb 16 - 11PM (Reply to #14)

no more

I left mine

too when I found out he ALREADY had someone lined up. She is his exGF just like I was once and I hear via the grapevine he is telling everyone he doesn't have the same feelings for her and made a big mistake by going back with her. They WILL NEVER be happy. The joke is on the two of them now. I feel they both betrayed me and now she will soon be his ex again just like I am. I think they are both Ns and I KNOW I am better off without him. I will never go back for a third round that is for sure. I am so glad I knew when to get out this time........and it wasn't even soon enough.

I just got involved with the same N for the second time.
What was I thinking? Because I have put myself back to the same point where I am blaming myself again. And for what?
I want to get rid of these feelings again.

#9 Feb 17 - 12AM (Reply to #15)

neveragain

I Was Always the One to Leave

I left #1 (bio-dad) when my daugher was six. He was a huge Narc with a drug habit and was physically abusive. I left #2 (2nd marriage) after realizing that, believe it or not, he was worse than bio-dad. Swore he loved kids.....but hated my daughter who was a good girl....I guess she sang too loud in her room and put the big bowl in with the pots and pans....after I found drugs in his sock drawer, I couldn't breathe and knew it was a very bad mistake marrying him. He was verbally and emotionally abusive. I left #3 (beautiful on the outside, ugly on the inside) boyfriend of three years who did the classic Narc D & D leaving me wondering what I did soooo wrong....but yet, he's the reason I found this site and my education in Narcissism. I was SUCH a good source of narcissistic supply to those men that I HAD TO BE THE ONE TO LEAVE! neveragain

#10 Feb 17 - 11AM (Reply to #16)

rache

neveragain

me too!I am such a nurturer/caregiver,aka asskisser.....and thats what they want=someone to bow down to them.I hated myself for it but THANK GOD we have been educated by this forum and will start giving all this back to ourselves=love our little inner child.

#11 Feb 17 - 7PM (Reply to #17)

breakingfree

To neveragain

I like you username! You have hit the nail on the head -"nuturer/caregiver, aka asskisser". thank you. That totally explains how I have gotten into this mess - trying to help, trying to please. Those are good things as long as I/we remember to take care of ourselves in the process. I am learning. Somehow I let this guy just run me over, and I didn't even realize what was happening til it was almost too late. Never again! Thank you.

#12 Feb 17 - 9PM (Reply to #18)

neveragain

Rache and jisturm: Being Loving Is a Good Thing

It's been a very long learning process for me. Where do you draw the line between being loving and loving TOO MUCH? I had to finally realize that I wasn't paying enough attention to the signs. Hind sight is always so much better. But, these guys are REALLY good...they're very crafty and smooth. You won't know what hit cha! Thanks for your feedback, lovely ladies. Through education and building our self esteem, we can totally recover from having been bamboozled by a boor. neveragain

#13 Feb 19 - 7AM (Reply to #19)

rache

YES!

We all shall.((SMILES))

#14 Feb 16 - 6PM

Barbara (not verified)

jisturm

you need to read a lot more of the SHARE YOUR STORY section. Many of us leave them too. ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

#15 Feb 17 - 2AM (Reply to #2)

Empathy

i left my psycho narc and he nows lives with his mummy!!! LOL

He couldn't even find somewhere to live on his own no friends to help him only mummy and daddy oh poor narc unfortaunatly when my kids go ther to stay on his weekends they all sleep in the one room ... which is sick. But hey what can u do? I WILL Survive. I WILL thrive. KARMA DAYS ... KARMA DAYS!!!!!!

#16 Feb 17 - 11AM (Reply to #3)

GhostBuster

Same here

I left both of mine too. But that doesn't mean I didn't suffer excruciating pain because of it. I have PTSD from both of the relationships.

#17 Feb 17 - 4PM (Reply to #4)

serene69

Getting away from an N

In my situation, I basically blew his cover so in a sense it was a matter of us both leaving each other at the same time. I called his ex partner as frankly I was not only mightly hurt by what he had been doing tp me, but I was also concerned by some really weird behaviour and knew he had a son. I spoke to his ex partner (the mother of his child) and we had a very long chat and she told me all of his history - going back 20 yrs (he is 41.) I made the decision to tell him I had spoken to her. I knew this would make him crazy but the ex did warn me that when other women had contacted her in the past he had never been physically violent. I did indeed get a torrent of abusive texts (which the ex warned me would happen to - basically trying to make me feel ashamed for contacting her - he basically is in an illusion they are still partners - though they are not and he of course had told me he was single!) He said i was deleted, he had never hated anyone else so much ever etc. I had one abusive phone call after that - and that was it. Now 3 weeks on i have heard nothing from him - he cut me off his facebook etc/blocked my emails before i even got there to do it myself. He knows now i know how he has spent 20 yrs cheating on his partners, that he has emotionally and bullied several other women in the past. So i think in many ways he is scared of me - i showed my strength and showed I was not scared of him. i knew making that phone call would most likely end it all - but i had to do it to get him to keep away from me - if that makes sense? I had become aware he was an N from things he had told me before xmas - and tried to distance myself - but kept falling for it when he did email me or text me. Even though I had read up on what such men are like. He now thinks I am a loser and a pathetic creep - well I know i am not and do i really care what one silly little 'man' thinks when I know i certainly am not. No. It is hard and I am hurt for wasting my time on him, but I know i can have a good future.

#18 Feb 17 - 7PM (Reply to #7)

breakingfree

To serene69

You really did the right thing in making that call. And to see his anger only confirms it. Normal people would be ashamed. He got mad. That has been what my N has done over many other types of issues - anger instead of guilt/shame/apologies. Congratutations. And thank you for sharing. It does help to know we are not alone. I retained an atty today to file for divorce. I know I will see the anger when he is informed but at least I don't live with him and won't have to face it. You are NOT a loser or a pathetic creep. Those are words describing him. You have made a huge step towards a brighter future and so have all of us getting away from our Ns! Yes - a brighter future!!

#19 Feb 18 - 5PM (Reply to #10)

serene69

Anger

Yes the anger was unbelievable. I had never seen that from him before (but had heard from his ex he had anger issues.) And of course the blame has totally been put on me - a home wrecker! It is so unbelievable how they twist things - the abusive texts I had from him - very uncomfortable when I did so much for him. But of course that doesn't matter to him - as that was my role. He would not have expected less. These guys are complete shits. I mean he totally took advantage of me - my father whom i was really close to had died just after we met so I was so much more vunerable - and he just bulldozered me into everything to fit in with him. (He showed concern and empathy the day of my dad's funeral - but I realise now that was all fake.) Grghhhhhh!

#20 Feb 19 - 7PM (Reply to #11)

breakingfree

The fake empathy is so sick.

The fake empathy is so sick. When my brother was dying (lost him 2 weeks after diagnosis of cancer), my N told me he could he would only come out to be with me when things got really bad "depending on what is going on at work". I knew no one in Tucson (my bro's home) and had never been there before. No other family - just me. Scared to death. Got repeated angry calls because he was mad that I was out there and not home, working for him. Thank God for my bro's friends. My N didn't fly out there til 4 days after my bro's death!!! Then he accused me for the next several months of sleeping with my bro's friends while I was watching my bro die!! It was horrendous. He acted like the loving, concerned husband when he got out there - everyone saw right through it. That was the first time my eyes were opened to what I was living with-- the devil. And he blames our separtation on me!

#21 Feb 19 - 8PM (Reply to #12)

neveragain

Good God Almighty, breakingfree

I'm sooo sorry you went through that terrible time and enduring so much stress from your N to boot. You didn't deserve to be treated that way. It's much more clear in hindsight how insidious and evil they really are. Hugs to you and I am so sorry you lost your brother....the "depending on what is going on at work" comment is really gross. I know EXACTLY how that made you feel. You were never going to be more important than ANYTHING that he needed. I am so glad you are so clear about him now: "That was the first timee my eyes were opened to what I was living with--the devil." They are all DEVILS because they destroy everything good. Hopefully they will not destroy us. neveragain P.S. (I LOVE your name, breakingfree)

#22 Feb 17 - 8PM (Reply to #8)

Barbara (not verified)

jisturm

I hope your attorney is TOUGH. ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

#23 Feb 17 - 9PM (Reply to #9)

breakingfree

Seems to be.

#24 Feb 17 - 6PM (Reply to #5)

Barbara (not verified)

they hate us when we expose them.... good!

sounds like what Psycho-Boy says about me... ... especially after I got his favorite $10million a year brothel closed... ...yet he walks free! ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

#25 Feb 18 - 5PM (Reply to #6)

serene69

Exposing the Narc

In my limited way I was able to expose my N - once again to his long suffering ex-partner - and made him fully aware that I know exactly what he is. That is why I truly hope he will never come after me again. Unfortunately there is a world of people out there who think he is god, and they just re-enforce his own opinion that he is indeed wonderful. And this continues - but I have no power over that. He has spent 20 yrs somehow covering his tracks and getting away with it. That sucks, but I hope one day he will get his come-uppance.

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