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  5. I need some back-up. Fell off the wagon

I need some back-up. Fell off the wagon

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#1 May 12 - 9AM
finallydone
finallydone's picture

I need some back-up. Fell off the wagon

So much for my "finallydone" screen name. Last night was another crazy making episode and I ended up sleeping with him. Please somebody either yell at me or tell me it's happened to them too and I can try again.

He's been there for three days, and it's a constant roller coaster of being nice to me, then getting tense, then telling me I am (fill in the blank) selfish, uncaring, cold, belittling... or whatever else he can come up with to make me feel guilty. All because I am refinancing a house that he DEMANDED I go refinance and get him off the loan because I won't "meet him in the middle" about my son's summer schedule. I was doing pretty good keeping my cool (have been reading this site constantly whenever he starts acting weird) but then inevitably I'll feel indignant about his accusations and say something and then it esacalates to him yelling over me, telling me to shut up and don't dare interrupt him. Same old thing.... but it gets worse everytime the house issue is broached.

Anyway... yesterday I got word from a teacher that my son is doing poorly in one of his classes because he's not doing the homework and seems to be displaying some passive aggressive hostility towards her. I talked with him and asked him if he didn't like the teacher and he said, "No." and I said, "Well... don't really care. You will do your work, you will show respect to adults, blah blah blah." After he went to bed, I just sat on the floor of the living room staring at the moon and thinking I just can't take any of this. I'm all alone, my ex-husband who's fairly decent is too far away and too broke to be helpful, I must be doing something wrong with my son and the man I put my heart and soul into is actually trying to drive me insane. Not to mention my jaws, neck and shoulders were killing me from tension I suppose. Yep.... I was basically having a good old fashioned pity party. Certainly couldn't cry or anything stupid in front of my 13 year old.... I need to be the tough mom and I'm supposed to take care of him. I will not have him taking care of me.

So I was sitting quietly by myself.... and I wasn't even crying. And here he comes.... not an hour earlier he was talking to me like an angry child and I told him he was arguing like a 5 year old and could he please just lower his voice and talk like a 52 year old man. Well... he had stomped off saying, "YOU sound like a 5 year old and I'm NOT TALKING TO YOU AGAIN!" But then he came back downstairs and said, "Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?" And all I could think of to say is... "could you just be nice to me for a little bit? I really need somebody to be nice to me." So we talked like people for about 30 minutes and... of course... you know where it ended up. And I'm sure on some level I knew it would.... I needed comforting too much and he was more than willing of course.

And that's why I'm admitting to falling off the wagon.... this is not going to help the situation at all. It never does and that's why I've been stuck so long.... when he's nice... he's really really nice and he is sexy. WHY??????

Okay... I felt that I should own up and confess and try again. Thanks for listening.

May 12 - 5PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

projection

Like I said before NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER listen to or read WHAT THEY SAY - it's total, complete and utter B.S. ExNH STILL tells me "so & so told me..." I always check and find out these other people have no clue what he's talking about. My late NarcMother used to do this too. My brother and I caught her lies a number of times. She'd get hysterical crying and say we were "horrible children" and that I "turned" my brother "against her like the hateful child I" was. The only hateful one was her. This is bullcrap, projection and nonsense. Save it but do NOT read it again. The games narcissists play - More: Putting you on the defensive Nobody can do this as adeptly as a bully. Accusations, real or imagined past offences and personal criticism of you are their three favourite tools to this end. Anything to get you hopping and get the focus off themselves. They also use questions that are skillfully worded and artfully delivered. They use facts that they distort ever so slightly so that they are hard to correct. They use skewed logic to turn a situation around from them being guilty to us being the cause. Whichever specific tactic they use, the result is the same: we feel we have to explain, justify, correct and somehow prove our innocence and good intentions. Think for a moment how often you hear yourself saying, "but that's not what I meant", or "but I only meant ..."? These phrases are indicative of a defensive posture and the moment that you begin to defend yourself against verbal abuse you have already lost. As hard as it is, avoid responding to these tactics. Allow yourself to lose the battle because if you don't it will escalate into the war that they're aiming for. If they try to goad you, which is highly likely - they hate silent responses - revert to the techniques for setting boundaries. Refuse to engage and walk away! http://www.cosmicwalk.co.za ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Cost-Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
May 12 - 9AM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

so....

you fell off the wagon. We all have. So just dust yourself off - and get back on. Consider it a lesson learned that he hasn't changed. Sex = lure and bonding you to them. They don't feel bonded at ALL no matter WHAT they say. So, you took the bait. Next time, you will know better. No Contact. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Cost-Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
May 12 - 9AM
better off
better off's picture

Hugs girl...I get it.

Hugs girl...I get it. You're doing the best you can under tough circumstances and when you feel like you have to be tough every day, you'll take comfort even from the one who's hurting you. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself because I don't even exist to my guy...but I probably couldn't handle it if he suddenly said to me right now, what can I do to make you feel better? I'd be back at square one. Today is a new day. :-) Don't beat yourself up and waste a lot of time wishing you hadn't done it. It's done. It happened. Move forward. And don't worry too much about your 13 year old. They do stuff like that. It's normal. Just keep setting limits and loving him. It will be okay.
May 12 - 1PM (Reply to #2)
finallydone
finallydone's picture

Thanks guys

Well... at least there's a funny ending to this... sort of in a sick kind of way I suppose. I knew last night I shouldn't talk to him openly... as you will see below he is taking things I said openly and honestly out of context and distorting reality. I have to assume that his intention with this is to make me now run around in circles trying to convince him AGAIN that I'm not really in love with my ex-husband (that I have been divorced from for 9 years) and the only way to "prove" this to him will be to give in and send my son to his Dad's for the whole summer when he doesn't want to be there for the whole summer. For no other reason than he wants to be here some of the summer with his dog and the pool and his school friends. That's it... that's all there is to it. And since the ex has not much money or time.... there's not a lot for him to do down there. No hidden agendas... just parents making simple decisions without argument about summer vacation visitation. Here's the e-mail I received this afternoon. I found myself wondering if he's really this blatently manipulative or if he's just that incredibly insecure and stupid... either way it's really bad isn't it? I edited the below to take out names but that's all I took out. BELOW FROM N: I'm sure that would be cool if your mind would relax. I don't mean to throw curve balls at you here, but I think you're going through something and maybe need to consider a few points. Please know that I'm not trying to agravate you here but I would like you to consider doing the following when you have a chance: Go to google and search something like this, "Is my girfriend still in love with the Father of her child." - As you can imagine, I've already done this. Interestingly enough you will find quite a bit that suggests signs when this is occuring. Often times, in a situation like this, it becomes apparent that the ex-wife is making excuses for the ex-husband. There is often times no particular reason for the "cover" (as it were). Valid reasons for not wanting the child with the ex-husband (when the ex-wife is really no longer in love with the ex-husband) might be that the ex-husband does heroine in front of the child or is openly cruel to the child, or something along those lines. Unfortunately, most of the things you have explained to me (with regard to "you know who") a lot of times seems to come under the heading of "the ex-wife may still really be in love with the ex-husband." Because, quite honestly (and from my point of view) the reasons you give for not having the ex be more responsibile seem to come under the idea of "covering" for the ex-husband, which can suggest that there are still feelings there. Ex. so far all I've really heard about this is that if (MY SON) were to stay at his Dad's he would 1. be bored, 2. (EX-HUSBAND) sleeps till 1 PM, and last nights excuse that, 3. "Well, I just don't think (EX-HUSBAND) is really all that in to being a Dad." Truth is, if those are really the only reasons for you not wanting him to be there for the bigger part of the summer, then unfortunately there are a lot of people who would suggest that these excuses are not really valid, especially considering what we need to try to do to save our relationship. So, this is all just food for thought but I thought I would run this by you and maybe you could think about it and see if you can come to terms with it. Truth is, if this is the truth, I'd rather know the truth than continue in this awful situation that we are in. SINCERELY, N Barbara... I can see why you're tough on us. And "better off" thank you for your very compassionate response. I am so exhausted from all of this and I don't think he's going to give on the house and sign off. I really don't... that's why NO CONTACT is being very hard to maintain right now. He comes back whenever he wants to and isn't "doing anything" that I could really get him thrown out on.
May 12 - 4PM (Reply to #4)
fairy wings
fairy wings's picture

What a load of.....

The point is he is your ex! The sender of the email clearly has some issues! I'm sure after reading this there must be a temptation to defend your position and your reasoning, however this guy clearly does not trust you! So what if you did/do have feelings for your ex. He is still your ex! Read it again and he is giving you clues as to his real intentions: 'if your mind would relax' (then he confuses your mind with the content of his email) 'I don't mean to throw curve balls at you here' then why say anything? ....and as you are doing exactly this then I guess you do mean to do it!!! 'As you can imagine, I've already done this' - yes you sad bastard I think we can imagine this by now! '.....but I would like you to consider doing the following when you have a chance' making it sound like he cares and that he is considerate to you and your time when actually he is stealing your time by giving you this email to read and sending you off on a Google search! At the same time he is trying to get you to put his needs before those of your son. 'I'm not trying to agravate you here' - why not keep quiet then, you are doing exactly what you say you are not: you are deliberately agravating the situation 'I think you're going through something and maybe need to consider a few points' (I'm going to make you think you have a problem and get you to consider my point of view so your own is obscured) Oh dear he is so boring I can't be bothered to do anymore, however I trust you get where I am coming from. As for the 'excuses' all of them point to you not wanting as much contact with your ex and you could have if your son was to go there for longer in the summer. It seems to me he is missing the point that is right under his nose (too busy on the Internet no doubt)that actually you love your son, recognise that his experience over the summer will be better all round with you. Your son will grow and leave the nest very quickly, make the most of this time and go with your heart which knowsnthat a man of 52 who has to send you this type of email is jealous or your relationship with your son which he can't complain about as easily, so he focuses on the relationship with your ex. As for having a blip...........yes been there got the t shirt many times! You can't change what is done, however you can learn from this and aim to 'do better' in future. Look at this blip as a gift, a gift that shows you how not to be tempted and seduced by him again. Look at 'how' you did it not 'why'. List all the little details like, 'I let him in, I answered the phone, I wanted to feel his warmth; then write beside each one a way you could improve on this or prevent it next time. Like breaking any habit of addiction it takes time! Be strong, however also be kind and nurturing to yourself if you have another blip. Each time you can learn to let go a little more.
May 12 - 5PM (Reply to #5)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

gift

Look at this blip as a gift, a gift that shows you how not to be tempted and seduced by him again. Look at 'how' you did it not 'why'. List all the little details like, 'I let him in, I answered the phone, I wanted to feel his warmth; then write beside each one a way you could improve on this or prevent it next time. Exactly. He just reconfirmed for you that he's N and he's using you for sex and he can still manipulate and control and seduce you. Just another reason for no contact. And if you aren't in therapy - get in ASAP. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Cost-Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
May 12 - 2PM (Reply to #3)
Fawn
Fawn's picture

Finally Done

Yes, this is manipulation. Narcissists often try to convince you that "everyone else" thinks that you are crazy or that your ideas are wrong. Don't buy it. You know what is best for your child. He is only thinking of himself and his own needs because that is what Narcissists do. I just got a text the other day that said, "I have been talking to several people around town who say that your attorney likes to make unnecessary work and charge his clients more money." What he really meant was that he is scared of my attorney and he knows that he will lose in court. He talked to a couple of his AA buddies and they had some opinion about the law firm my attorney works for. He still thinks that I value his opinion. He never was good at making decisions or at evaluating situations, because he isn't able to think beyond himself.