I need support, BIG TIME!

15 posts / 0 new

#1 Sep 4 - 8AM

Gemelli

I need support, BIG TIME!

I need all the wisdom and validation from this site I can get. The mornings are so bad for me. I wake with this pit in my stomach. I have been in NC mode for a few days. My N, which I am separated from, is out of town for the weekend at his mommy house at the beach. I needed to get into his house to get the remainder of my STUFF and to take pictures of furniture I plan to sell. I brought my sister and a friend because its so painful to be in a place where I lived for 6 years. I also didnt want to be alone because I know I would snoop and find things to hurt me more. By the way, I was NEVER a snoop! I was NEVER jealous! Sure I was needy when I met him but now Im pathetic, insecure and dont know who I hate more: me, for being this stupid or HIM because I know he took a huge chunk of my heart and life. That said, he is a personal trainer and I know he's been training his 'next victim' who ofcourse is younger, more fit, blah, blah, blah. I know he will do the same things and be the same person with her that he was with me. I get that. We all know the highs and lows which is why we stayed so long-not to mention the brain manipulation. But there are times, especially on a holiday weekend, when I sit alone ad wish I was with him; not the person he REALLY is that I've come to know and learn about but the person I first fell in love with. I am very smart and intelligent and I know now it was all a facade but the hurt is just so bad. I am so broken hearted for what never was! While in his house, he made it a point to leave a picture of himself for her on MY credenza which is in the front entrance. It was one of those customizable photo booth stream of photos and at the bottom he had written 'Happy Birthday Joanne'! It just kicked me in the butt! He just wrote me friday that he missed me very very much and I didnt respond because Im working hard to have NC. I am 50 for Gods sake and smart enough to make my brain wrap around what a monster he is, but today my brain wont go there. It just goes to my sadness and feeling so all alone. I know I will heal but these little set backs beat me up on so many levels. I try to be strong but its so hard to sleep and when I do, I dread waking to this emptiness. ANy help would be greatly appreciated! Thanks!

#2 Sep 4 - 6PM

Journey

I am really starting to hate

I am really starting to hate all these narc ass-wipes and I'm not normally ever a hateful person! There are so many members here, with the same stories, the same idealizing then devaluing, the same emotional abuse, the same discard... all different circumstances with identical results. I am so sorry for your pain Gemelli, glad you found this site and what you are feeling is so normal - welcome to narc-ville! Keep reading, stay no contact as much as possible and you will start feeling better. ((hugs))

Journey on...

#3 Sep 4 - 6PM (Reply to #14)

Gemelli

Hi Journey

Thanks for the support. Today I was sad. Got up and wished I wasnt. I truly am not a narc ass wipe. I just vasilate with such a gambit of emotions regularly; being 50 and going through menopause doesnt help the mood swings either! I do think, had I not found this site, I might have tried to contact him or left a note at his home while packing, but I didnt. I need to always remember to be the person I was when I met him. I may have been needy but my head wasnt as messed up as it is now. I know its a process and obviously, it will take time and Im ok with that. I just hate this 'in between' period. However, its great to know I can read these stories which help to identify with everyone since this is not a 'typical' break up or divorce with someone who is human. Have a great holiday weekend and thank you!

#4 Sep 4 - 1PM

Scoop

Well done on the NC keep it

Well done on the NC keep it up , now you have all your things from the house thats the end of contact . the narc will do ust about anything to get a rise form you , the piture card is such a horrible thing to do , but thats what you are dealing with with a psychopath , what he wants is for you to pick up the phone and beg him to dump the ow and come back to you , he dose this as he lives on other peoples energy and emotions , that would be golden supply for him and he is baiting you , you wont bite beacause you know the game now , nothing a narc does in just a coincidence although they will swear blue in the face it is just coincidence and that you are going mad ... keep strong .. xx

#5 Sep 4 - 7PM (Reply to #12)

Gemelli

Hi Scoop!

Thanks for responding and I really enjoyed the you tube video you forwarded friday. THAT got me through the night! Funny, as far as the OW and his pictures for her which he left for me to see, I dont even know if she really IS the OW. In his mind, everyone is the other women and they have served him very well in his manipulation/attention seeking. Theres been one after another since I met him; mommy, ex wives, old girlfriends, training clients, FB fans, bag ladies on the street. It doesnt matter to him. If they are female, give him attention and he has the opportunity to make him look sought after at at my expense-BRING IT, he'll say! Its amazing once when you understand who they are and what they do, you can begin to feel more in control. For me to be sad and broken hearted is to mourn the loss of a marriage and something you once thought sacred and pure. Thanks for all the support you give on this site! xoxxo

#6 Sep 4 - 12PM

Jelickuk

All I can say is me too. We

All I can say is me too. We have similar stories and age. There are ok days and days of acceptance and even hints of gratitude But some days all we can do is hurt Today is one of them. Thinking of you

#7 Sep 4 - 11AM

gratefuljen

Been there!!!

Your relatively new. I remember being exactly where you are. I HAD TO GO THROUGH ALL THOSE FEELINGS SEVERAL TIMES. Then you cycle through again and again. But the good news is, is that the cycling get shorter and shorter on the bad ones, for example missing him, doubting your self that it was that bad. Then you will get to the anger stage, I raged for several months. Then you get to indifference, uhhhhhh, wonderful indifference. Then you go back to anger, but eventually you never go back into cd. When your brain, and heart really understand what you were dealing with, you start to heal. The only way to get there is through. So if you feel sad, cry, if your pissed, rage. That's what we are here for. When I stopped fighting all of the hard feelings I started to let go of him, the dream, and the pain. Love Jen

#8 Sep 4 - 10AM

Sparrow

Gemelli, I am so sorry for

Gemelli, I am so sorry for your loss. It is a very painful loss to deal with. Although, he was not real, the love he had was not real, the hurt and pain that you are suffering IS real. This is what you need to focus on most importantly. Don't concentrate so hard on what you lost, was was and wasn't true, focus on you, and your healing. Because honestly, that is all you are left with. He raped your soul and you need to recover from that. It is painfully difficult, for every single person on this forum. Please know we all understand and sympathesize. We are here for you. NC is the hardest thing to do right now, and the fact that you are doing it, with each and every day, tells me you are aware of the importance. I was aware and kept NC for quite some time, only to falter. I will never do that again, for I know that nothing good will ever come of it. This is a fact, and sometimes it is hard to face facts. But you are on your way! It is hard, you will have good days and bad............detoxing from the devil is difficult, but in the end, will be completely and utterly worth it! Hang in there and stay close to the forum. We are here for you! STAY STRONG!!!!!!!!

#9 Sep 4 - 10AM

58 and going strong

All-one instead of alone is

All-one instead of alone is one of the secrets that helped me. I am sitting here all by myself, too, and it is not nice. I may be further along in my NC and healing, but the feeling of emptiness still re-surfaces sometimes, and yes, holidays and even Sundays are sometimes really bad. Like we are the only ones alone and without a partner for feedback . . . I think it has to do with the fact that with our usual hectic lives filled with so many THINGS to do, we are not used to spending 'time off' without a real schedule and so exposed to ourselves and our own thoughts and feelings. Meanwhile I believe that those feelings of emptiness made me so susceptible to hooking up with Ns over and over again - it gave me the illusion to filling the emptiness in me. Now I try to fill that emptiness myself with things I love to do and without 'needing' someone else to do them. I realize right now how nice it is to be able to communicate with you without an N controlling each and every move of mine and what I do right now! And then I feel free and without the tension, all one and not alone any more. And then there is always support in this virtual world of friends on sites like this. Welcome to you, Gemelli, you have made a huge step towards healing by joining us here!

#10 Sep 4 - 9AM

Used

GEMELLI

first of all,you are not insecure and pathetic...you feel so low so you cant think straight..you are never alone as you always have this board to come too... i do think alot of us feel the weekends suck...i seem to thing of myexs more on a weekend... glad you didnt respond...we all even know that is false...everything they say and do is false...i am sorry for your sadness....but the saying we cry when we are with them and we cry when we are not...i would rather be the NOT part of it.....and i hope one day ,so will you...

#11 Sep 4 - 10AM (Reply to #6)

Gemelli

Hello Used!

Thanks for your kind words! Its amazing how bad I was feeling and I didnt realize there was NC for days! Small victories are hard when youre feeling so low! Thanks for reminding me! I also KNOW NOW when he was emailing me the other day, he was calling, emailing and texting HOW MANY OTHER WOMEN?? I get that all now and thats why things are getting a tad bit easier; and theyre not at the same time! I swear my head spins with all these thoughts! To think you're not special (to them) and you learn later you were not their ONLY ONE, all the while you were so decent and made them your #1, makes you want to puke and quite frankly, want to punish them. And thats the real issue because they will never feel remorse or miss you or think you the prize you really are. Its all crazy making behavior and I just want off this roller coaster! thanks again! xoxox

#12 Sep 4 - 9AM

Winter

I know exactly how you feel

I whish I could find right words to support you and I will try my best. First of all you are not alone: currently there are 115 guests and 6 users logged to this site. We all share the same feeling. Maybe our stories are different, maybe we all have different background, bur our emotions, needs and wounds are very very similar. Personally, it helps me thinking that I share my experience with my sisters from all over the world. We are not alone and we will go trough it together, helping each other as much as we can. Sometimes when I feel really down, what I practice is the acceptance. I try do not resist the pain, sorrow and sadness: "ok, that's how I feel right now. Can I bear it for the moment? It will pass and I will feel better." I try do not supress my feelings and stay in touch with them. When you don't resist your bad emotions, they usually have less power to make you feel anxious and slowly go away. Please, try to get your focus out of him and his new "victim". Do not reject nor blame yourself for wathever you can feel right now. Hugs

#13 Sep 4 - 10AM (Reply to #4)

Gemelli

Hi Winter!

Touching on the fact I am not alone was powerful; especially since everyone CAN relate. This site is such a gift. Thanks for sharing on acceptence and dealing with the emotions. Sometimes I do think Im crazy because I vasilate so often throughout the day between victim and survivor. I wish I could stay in the survivor zone more. Someone told me tha t obviosuly I feel the need to continue to punish myself with all this pain and heartache, making it all about him. She didnt say it in a negative way. She said maybe its a cleansing; a rite of passage. Maybe the N is just the final straw to all the gook n my life coming to a head. And once Ive cried it all out,gotten stronger and rid myself of him and these self defeating actions and thoughts, i will move on to the place I am supposed to be-living my true purpose. A therapist once said "Do not break down, BREAK THROUGH". This site is helping me to do that! Thanks for the support! xoxox

#14 Sep 4 - 9AM

indenial

im sorry youre in so much pain

6 years is a long time. It is very hard and I feel exactly the smae as you do. I'm sure everyone here has felt it too. They say time heals well let's hope so and in the meantime we have to do all we can to work at making ourselves feel better and understanding that despite the pain they are not worthy of our love. Its them. Not us. You did well not to respond to his I miss you crap. Its very hard not to be fooled. That's a positive and you need to bear that in mind. You're doing great. I too have that pit in my stomach. He has been so awful. He was begging me friday and then treating me like I was insignificant saturday. Its no wonder we feel the way we do. I have never felt so desperately lonely. I feel like he's taken my soul. Stay strong. Your life is far too precious to give to someone who doesn't have the capacity to give you the life you deserve xx

#15 Sep 4 - 10AM (Reply to #2)

Gemelli

Hi Indenial!

Thanks for your response. its funny, just your words give me so much comfort, as do all the replies here. I am so sorry he is still trying to work on your brain. They are all SOUL STEALERS. Someone said something to me this morning-its worth sharing: When those who know the N, either through us or through others he has effected, they give him pity. Not the pity party he puts forth for his next victim but the healthy pity we give to those who are 'handicapped'. However, when we share our personal life, especially our situation with our N's, those who truly LOVE us have sincere empathy and compassion for us. They never give us pity because we are strong. We only give weak people pity. That felt somewhat empowering and I know it was true. I hope that helps you today! Blessings!

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