I need a translation

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#1 Sep 1 - 10PM

gettinbetter

I need a translation

I say via text: I just feel like I cant do anything to please you.

His reply: Look at the shit you say to me. Thats the most hateful thing I have ever read.

I say: There's something Im lacking that you need but I dont know what it is but I know Im lacking it and it makes me feel inadequate

His reply: Love you

#2 Sep 3 - 6AM

gettinbetter

Thanks for the translations Ladies!

I think all of you are dead on. Tough to hear but its the truth. I have so much anxiety right now. I know its from half of me being scared that I will never see or hear from him again and the other half being terrified that hes always going to be popping up in my life that hell never just be gone. This all creates the conflict inside of me which = anxiety. I hate him and I love him and thats not normal.

#3 Sep 3 - 4PM (Reply to #47)

anonymous

It's Normal for us

"I hate him and I love him and thats not normal." It's normal for us; for what we've been through. He's not normal. You are.

#4 Sep 2 - 6PM

gettinbetter

ITS The ALWAYS

part that is a little unsettling to me. He always says I will ALWAYS love you and come to think of it one time he said when I was upset. "Im gonna love you for the rest of my life." We are not speaking right now he ignored my texts for a week, cancelled his fb account and I quit texting. Day 6 now. Im thinkin this is it but somehow when I think about how he said "Im ALWAYS gonn love you." "Im ALWAYS gonna be part of your life." Is that code for your never gonna be free of me. Im gonna keep popping up in your life. He has made appearance big and small since age 17 However I will say I was the one who friended on fb but I HAD NO IDEA and NO INTENTION of getting involved and then came the seduction....

#5 Sep 3 - 2AM (Reply to #45)

girlfriday

always

Yes, I think it's code. As NancyM pointed out, we are possessions. That's probably why we feel possessed (as in The Exorcist)... Mine said something similar. He said, "I'm always going to be your friend. Even when you're not my friend anymore I will still be your friend." Mine keeps close tabs on all of his ex's. I know about their lives cause he tells me about their lives. He looks them up. Always keeps tabs even though he doesn't talk to them anymore. And has even admitted that he feels a sense of ownership. Your texts from him just sound like crazy-making, cognitive dissonance-inducing mixed messages.

#6 Sep 2 - 9PM (Reply to #44)

anonymous

Code for I'm Going to String You Along in Case I Need You Again

"I'm always going to love you." "I'm always going to be a part of your life". That's what your N said. Mine said, "I want you in my life forever." Different words; same intent. It's code for "I've discarded you now but I may still need you for supply in the future, so I'll tell you I love you because I know that you will continue to hang onto false hope and sacrifice yourself to martyrdom for me. And if I ever need you again, all I have to do is say, 'see, I KNEW we'd come back into each other's lives one day because we're destined to be together.'" And the cycle will start again, only this time it will be more viscious because resuming a relationship with him again, after all that he did the first time, will have only proven to him that there are no limitations to the severity of the abuse he can lay on you. He's counting on you taking it, over and over again.

#7 Sep 2 - 6PM (Reply to #40)

cluelessuntilnow

I get " ITS NEVER BEEN EASY"

"What we have has never been easy, never has been,never will be". Does this mean he is going to try to mess with me for the rest of my life? Lord help me! What does that mean?????

#8 Sep 3 - 1AM (Reply to #41)

alma25

never been easy, never has been,never will be

should mean nothing to you. Sorry, I'm writting it this way but when I read your first post and then this one I thought about myself and messages I received from him. I tried to understand, I was laughing and crying at the same time and I couldn't. Yo would like to receive the translation and we can give you some ideas but the truth is any of them is good. Why? Because it's impossible for a normal person to understand someone who is not normal.For me it was so difficult to accept the fact that no matter how hard I try I can't understand him, neither my friends, family. You just have to stop trying and focus on something else. Just try. I know how hard it is.But you see, it's enough when he sends you one small phrase and you're shaking, for you it's a drama. I remember the day when I received just one phrase from him when I was at work. You know what I did? I went to the bathroom shaking and started crying.Because of this one, small message. What does "What we have has never been easy, never has been,never will be" mean? He is trying to manipulate you, show you that your relationship was hard, difficult because of you two not because of him.Maybe. Is he going to try to mess with you for the rest of your lfe? Yes, he will.He is disordered. But the point is no matter what he is going to do, what he intends to do, you have to stop caring, stop analysing, stop trying to understand.That's the only way. Sit down, breath, calm yourself and please block him, just block him from calling you and writting to you. I knwo it's difficult because it means to stop the drama, to stop any contact with him, to give up on him but you have to do this for your own sanity.

#9 Sep 3 - 10AM (Reply to #42)

cluelessuntilnow

alma25

Thanks for your comments. Yesterday I had just had it. Normally I deal, but yesterday I hit my wall. I think my attempt at understanding has been for our child. To try to get a handle on him and figure him out so I can best advise our son how to handle interactions with his father. Also, this type of language is so drama. It feels like a condemnation of for the rest of our lives our interactions will be hard which in my logical mind just is not somewhere I want to go. I don't understand why it just cannot be normal. I especially feel this way because of our son. I just want things to be normal not this disordered, dysfunctional, double speak crap which he does to him as well. I have to translate often for our son to keep his hurt and confusion to a minimum. I keep the drama to a minimum and feel like the adult in the relationship 99 percent of the time. It is a hard reality to accept the father of your child is not normal, because you have to watch what it does to your child and your child has to accept it as well. Unfortunately, there is no walking away forever. On some level he is always there and always will be.

#10 Sep 3 - 10AM (Reply to #43)

wholeagain

Normal

I know how frustrating this hamster wheel is, believe me. Why can't it just be normal...because he isn't, which you know. It helped me sometimes to think of it as something other than a personality disorder, which sure seems like it should be correctable right? But if I reframed my thinking and said that expecting him to be different is like expecting a diabetic not to have diabetes, or a schizophrenic not to act like a schizophrenic, it was a bit easier. You will have to be the adult, unfortunately. And, you will be a good example to your son by taking care of yourself and having good boundaries with the N. At some point the lesson you'll be having to teach your son is that there really is no understanding this, there's only coping with it and making healthy choices for himself.

#11 Sep 2 - 1PM

Briseis

Translation:

You say: I feel like nothing I do or say is good enough. He says: How dare you hit the nail on the head!!! KEEP TRYING, BITCH!! You say: THere's something I'm lacking that you need, and I don't know what it is . . . and it makes me feel inadequate around you. He says: YES!! That's more like it. Good girl! Now I'll reward you.

#12 Sep 2 - 12PM

Goldie

Here goes, Translation:

You: I give and give and it makes no difference, you still treat me like a piece of crap and are still not satisfied with me and who and what I am . Him: I am growing weary of hearing your truth and I may be losing my control over you so I guess I'll call your words "the most hateful" so you will feel bad about yourself somemore and go back to trying to please me all the time and keep your mouth shut. This is how I prefer you to be. That way I can do as I please and treat you as I please. You: I can see that I am not good enough for you, so now I am going to feel bad about myself some more and then maybe you will see that you are still in control and treat me better. I am not ready to tell you to piss off so I guess I will allow you to pretend that this is all my fault so I will jump higher and higher and give up my own self to keep pleasing your sorry ass. Him: Looks like my manipulation worked, she feels bad about herself now. Maybe now she will shut up, tow the line, and get off my back and let me do as I please. My honest opinion: This guy gets off on making you think this is all your fault and that you are not good enough. This type of treatment is a game and as long as you buy into this game, he will continue to blame you for his sickness. These guys do not get better, they only get better at their craft and their craft is to keep you down, keep you guessing and therefore allow them to do exactly as they please no matter what you do or say. You could do everything perfectly and he would still screw with you head. This is how the game is played. You need to take your power back and stop putting yourself down. This is not your fault, he is the one lacking. Notice how he does not say: oh honey don't feel bad about yourself, you're wonderful. No his response to your putting yourself down is to say: love you. He thinks he won this round and the only way for you to win is to stop responding to him and go NC. " There's something Im lacking that you need but I dont know what it is but I know Im lacking it and it makes me feel inadequate." A different spin on this may be instead of you saying the above about yourself, how does it feel when you say to him? "Narc, there is something lacking in you that I need and I have no idea what it is but I know there is somthing seriously missing and it makes me feel bad about myself to be involved with you." God bless, Goldie

#13 Sep 2 - 9AM

helldweller

love you

Mine always said "Love you" or "I love you" to end my questioning or complaining about his behavior. "Why did you lie to me?" "I love you." "Why did you sleep with her?" "I love you." "Are you going to marry me or not?" "I love you." "Are the girls and I going to move in or not? "I love you." And "I love you" was interchangeable with "xoxo"

#14 Sep 2 - 12AM

kiwi10

woah

that one made me laugh out loud it's so disturbing... you shoud read my post about the dream i had... its called i had a weird dream.. reminds me of that.. what a sicko.

#15 Sep 1 - 11PM

terri

I'll take a stab at it

Ok, here's my interpretation: "Look at the shit you say to me. That's the most hateful thing I have ever heard." He's really saying: Good, I have you questioning yourself which gives me more power and control over you. I want to make you feel that you're being mean to me so you'll feel bad about yourself and be nice to me and stop questioning me. "I love you." He's really saying: Excellent, I've succeeding in making you feel inadequate. I'll give you positive reinforcement of your belief that you're not good enough for me so you'll continue to keep trying to win my approval, which of course you never will. But I'll say I love you so you stay confused and continue to try to please me." Take my advice - RUN!! That's my best guess, based on the years of these type of crazymaking conversations with my exN. Oh and by the way, he used to say that I said hateful things to him all the time. Admittedly, when I had finally had enough of his crap, I toss it right back at him. But overall, I was WAY too nice to the jerk.

Believe in yourself!
Terri

#16 Sep 1 - 11PM (Reply to #29)

gettinbetter

thats what I thought

but whats with the I will AlWAYS love you? I almost feel like its a creepy Im always gonna around thing and now that I think about it when the D&D started and I was crying he consoled me a little bit and sweetly said Im always gonna be part of your life. What do ya make of that?

#17 Sep 1 - 11PM (Reply to #30)

tigger73

I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU

I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU simply means, "o.k. if I say this it might her get off my ass and now I can search for my next source of supply" I am not in a good mood so I may not be very helpful. What you have to know, is that that these creatures are so full of shit 100 % of the time that you truly can't take anything they say seriously or even believe an ounce of it. Now that I am away from mine, I am AMAZED that I was able to last as long as I did. The longer you maintain NC, the clearer you will see it. Months later, the times when I do have contact with numbnuts, because Im not used to the brain washing anymore, I see him so clearly and it is just plain creepy.You'll get there. One day at a time.

#18 Sep 1 - 11PM (Reply to #31)

gettinbetter

thanks tigger

I know Ill get there this is round two with a hole 15 freakin years later. There is something creepy about him Always saying I will ALWAYS love you. Its almost like its predatory in nature. It reminds of when of a time during round one when he told my friend "she's mine and when I want her Ill come back to get her now stay out of our business" That was 16 years ago.

#19 Sep 1 - 11PM (Reply to #32)

NancyM

Always

A Narc cannot see you as a separate person. In his eyes, you are an extension of him i.e. you belong to him. By saying I will always love you simply means I will always believe you belong to me. I had a conversation with a Narc recently and asked what love was to them. The answer was that it was what he SAW in the other person. So I responded that to love meant to have some of that for themselves. The response was a unequivocal YES. To a Narc Love means "to possess". To a normal person it means to give. I explained this to the Narc that for them to love someone it means that in order for them to recieve that love, they are taking the energy from the person giving it. The Narc responded that what I was describing was pure evil. I said for want of a better word, that is exactly what it is.

Nevergoback

#20 Sep 1 - 11PM (Reply to #33)

gettinbetter

yes Nancy

I do believe you are correct as when the after the D&D started and I was crying one nite and he said to me and tried to console me a little by saying. Im always gonna be part of your life. (Really? How so since Im married and not to you! of course I didnt say that) Ya know this man has been making appearances big and small in my life since age 17 Im 43. We broke up 15 years ago and I married shortly after that. He must really think he owns me now that he has been able to get back into my heart and mind so many years later. There definitely is a significance to the ALWAYS he's said it many times. It almost like he's dont think your going anywhere just cause im ignoring you right now. I have history with you and that make you good supply. Ill be back becuase you belong to me.

#21 Sep 2 - 12AM (Reply to #34)

NancyM

sick of it

Always is certainly significant. Mine said the I will always love you and actually added, you will always belong to me. It is part of the brainwashing technique that puts a hold over us. We forget that we are a separate person as well, and just become one of their belongings.

Nevergoback

#22 Sep 1 - 11PM

gettinbetter

Oh and another one..

He always says this. "I will always love you" not just I love you its "I will always love you" Let me clarify: These were all separate texts not part of the same conversation. These occurred a couple of months ago. So Yes ladies Im still maintaining my NC 5 days now woo hoo!

#23 Sep 1 - 10PM

tigger73

hmmmm, I heard that a

hmmmm, I heard that a million times, "look at the shit you say to me". Honestly, projection. That's all it is, and the ending of Love you.....I can't figure that one out, other than he is busy with something and wants to end the conversation because you are 'putting him out of his way and being such a nuisance by 'sharing your feelings. Sorry, but that's how these assholes think.

#24 Sep 2 - 2PM (Reply to #26)

Used

i love you

when n text me love you or shouts it out on the street,its when we have argued. he is beign sarcastic. ime not saying this is what yours are doing, but this is what mine done. he would never say it when we were together and ok, guess, maybe cos when he first said i love you, i held up my hand and said BOOM BOOM. and he answer quietly yes, boom boom.in other words i was not fooled by his bs. words speak, they are cheap to the likes of them. actions shout volumes.and his action,s told me all i needed to know about this lowlife.

#25 Sep 2 - 11AM (Reply to #2)

cluelessuntilnow

We need a online instant narcspeak translator

Like they do for say English to French. Anyone care to take a stab at this one. "I truly wish I would have never come back, I feel I have only brought you pain, and that is never what I intended to do." This is after mindf*ing me for a year, trying to start an affair with me numerous times, and attempting to abandon/ d&d our child again after being absent for 15 years. Oh can add when I said what he was doing was heartless he said I am sorry if you think it is, but that is how I feel, and so if it is heartless I don't know what to say. Please tell me he is a Narc and I am not just misreading him. Ughhh.....Having a bad morning!

#26 Sep 2 - 12PM (Reply to #16)

aceonelady

cluelessuntilnow

He is disordered like most of them and very cruel,like mine....hughs

Aceonelady

#27 Sep 2 - 12PM (Reply to #17)

cluelessuntilnow

you know what I cannot stand

is when they say "I am sorry that is how YOU took it" or "I am sorry YOU feel that way" when we respond in a completely normal fashion to their crappy behavior. I liken it to someone hitting you and then saying " I am sorry that you think I was hitting you" or "I am sorry that you interpreted that as hurtful". It is was it is. It is hurtful, it is mean, it is heartless. Jesus, it is not an interpretation. It is what it is. Don't warp it. Own it! I say if you are going to be a complete dirtbag just own it. Don't try that mind control crap. Sorry but I am on fire today. Call it the mother bear in me, but he is trying to get between me and my cub and I am mad.

#28 Sep 2 - 6PM (Reply to #24)

helldweller

cluelessuntilnow

Im sorry you are having a bad day. It sucks, doesn't it? Mine beat the crap out of me to the point that the evidence tech was sent to take photos, then two days later he looked at me, and my arms were bruised from shoulder to elbow, as well as my legs, and I had a gouge in my leg that needed stiches where he pushed me into a low fence, and he said, "I'm sorry that happened to you." So freakish.

#29 Sep 2 - 7PM (Reply to #25)

cluelessuntilnow

helldweller

I am so sorry. You know what is freakish is that I get this kind of apology immediately after he does something mean. Example: Sends mean e-mail. Next e-mail 3 minutes later says I hope I didn't hurt anyone. Your example is completely awful by someone who has a complete disconnect. I am sorry that happened. I can say that and mean it, because I didn't cause it, he can't.

#30 Sep 2 - 12PM (Reply to #19)

Used

blame

they will never take responsibilty for anything, as a child would say, i didnt do it, i didnt mean it, they did, but they are not going to admit it, n even envied that about me ,that i would stand up and be counted, while this hulk of a man would run away. children forever.thats what they will always be.

#31 Sep 2 - 1PM (Reply to #22)

cluelessuntilnow

running away

you summed up the story of my n and I in one sentence. When I got pregnant I stood up and was counted, and this hulk of a man ( and he is a hulk) ran away and took NO responsibility. It was the defining moment for both of us.

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