I need you guys right now

34 posts / 0 new

#1 Dec 26 - 6PM

apple

I need you guys right now

I did it. I finally got the nerve to change my phone number.

I feel so much pain right now though. I feel like I'm walking away from the one person that I loved more than anything. He has been so nice the last couple of months. The name calling has stopped and yet I'm constantly on guard waiting for the next attack. When he talks to me I don't believe anything he says. I have chest pains and anxiety. I have lost about ten pounds and I look way too skinny.

I just want to live my life IN TRUTH. I can't betray myself anymore. I feel awful for just changing my number and not telling him why. I'm not strong enough to face him.

#2 Dec 28 - 11PM

not-an-idiot

nice!

I WISH I had your courage. I've threatened to but have not had the guts to go through with it. He's been hoovering again and acting the same as yours; nice like he got better. I think its all a front. Someday I hope to be as strong as you are. Thank you for giving me another goal in this incessant quest for true freedom. You are a true inspiration. Good job! I think you will eventually find more peace through this very soon. You are strong, so much so for taking this step.

#3 Dec 29 - 7PM (Reply to #33)

apple

Not an idiot.

You so GOT this girly!! I know you CAN and you WILL change your number when you are READY. Everyone has their limit on how much sh** they can take (for me it was a lot). lol The hoovering is the worst. Jeez, they are so good at it too. Just another giant mind fu**. Envisualize kicking him to the curb (that's what I did). If you are thinking about it then your soul is probably trying to tell you its time or warn you about him. Stay strong!! xxA

#4 Dec 28 - 8PM

apple

You all are amazing!!!

Thank you so much for all your responses. I

#5 Dec 28 - 7PM

Leah

cherryblossom, you're kicking a**

I thought I posted to your thread a day or two ago, but somehow I didn't. It's great you took care of yourself and changed your number. Walking on eggshells is no way to live. He's disordered, and his actions will always be inconsistent and unpredictable. Congrats on being good to yourself and living in your truth. You are courageous and an inspiration to all of us. Lots of hugs, Leah

#6 Dec 29 - 7PM (Reply to #30)

apple

Leah

Thanks girly!! How are you doing??

#7 Dec 28 - 7PM

littlelantern

i have only just found you

i have only just found you guys - but feel so much with what you are going through. That pain - god - i never felt anything like it. I like you lost 10 pounds - in 10 days. Usually when im stressed i put on weight. That in itself i know does not help with how your mind is working and my nerves just felt shredded. You have to try and force yourself to eat, even if its just carrot sticks and yogurt. Whatever. Without food everything starts to shut down. It was painful to even eat, but i just kept going. I too had never felt anxiety like this. At first i would call my friends etc who would help calm me, and now sometimes what i do is take a breath and sit through it reminding myself that it will pass. And breath. I promise it passes and much more quickly than you expect. When i started to know i could sit with it on my own once i knew i could do it again... I promise. You ARE strong enough. Sending you peaceful vibes xx

#8 Dec 28 - 8PM (Reply to #28)

apple

Welcome Littlelantern

I'm so glad that you found us and thanks so much for sharing and the support. I have been on this site since July so it hasn't been a quick fix (I pretty much was at the bottom of the barrel). This site is the only reason I have been able to do it though. And knowing that the relationship or non-relationship(lol) was making me physically sick. After reading for months and months I somehow decided to start caring for myself. Such a simple thing but so hazardous when you don't have self love or maybe I got beat down from the abuse. Not really sure. It's amazing how our "friends" don't really understand what its like to be in a abusive relationship... I totally get the not wanting to talk about it AGAIN and be that annoying friend. Anyway, thanks for writing. I'm gonna get a pizza right now and try and eat it!! xoxo

#9 Dec 28 - 6PM

fooled no longer

Honestly Im so proud of you

Honestly Im so proud of you listen to your gut your head will always deceive you addiction is so powerful. we all want to go back to the good days. Make a snapshot in your mind of the worst shitty day you had with him. get angry about it, see that he is not sorry for this, see that it will and can not be resolved EVER! You are so much better off, you will look better as soon as you are off the drug of self deception. You changed yr number for a reason: fear of what is down the road. You've seen enough. Each time you are tempted to block out the bad- Imagine yourself givng advice to a Heroine addict. Is it worth that few moments to have your life in pieces again? You know the answer. Get busy sign up for a painting/pottery class. Im here for you anytime or ping me on FB Go Girl! A

#10 Dec 28 - 8PM (Reply to #25)

apple

Fooled NO MORE!!

Gosh, girly!!! You DON'T KNOW how much hearing YOU say that your proud means to me. I finally decided to practice what I preach. lol. How are you doing? I've been thinking about you and hoping your good. I felt kind of bad for the tough love I was sending. haha. You understand me though & get what I was trying to say. I'm sending you my love and strength!!! You rock sister!!!

#11 Dec 28 - 8PM (Reply to #26)

apple

P.S. Foolednomore

I'm gonna send you my first piece of pottery. lol

#12 Dec 28 - 6PM

Hunter

WHOOOOOOOOOO! You go girl.

WHOOOOOOOOOO! You go girl. You made the first step. You will not die from changing your number. Think about how much worse you'd be if you didn't. Its hard at first but it will get better. We goy your back. Hang in and be strong. OXOXOX Idealk

#13 Dec 28 - 12PM

mystwoman

You're doing the right thing

You're doing the right thing for yourself. That fact that you changed the number shows that deep within your heart, you know this is what you need to do. You are absolutely correct: "I just want to live my life IN TRUTH. I can't betray myself anymore." It's hard right now, but you are doing what needs done. Stay strong. You deserve a better life than the one you've had. Hugs.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

#14 Dec 28 - 11AM

justicejones

Cherryblossom

Good Job on getting up the strength to change your phone number! Isn't that hard? And then you feel so mean and cold for doing it; for sticking up for yourself! The N's are so used to us debasing ourselves, that when we do, they use reverse psychology on us to make us feel cold-hearted, cruel and mean! Just one of their many tactics pulled out of their bag of tricks. All we are doing is trying to preserve whats left of our sanity. The very last time I talked to my N ex husband, I let him have it...I told him what he was! I told him he was a bad father, bad person, was never going to change, and never loved me or our children. At first he said to me..."I thought your were my friend?" then, "WOW, you sure are bitter and vindictive. You have always been so nice...what in hell happened to you?" Well, before, I was always worried if I stood up for myself, he would hurt me or go to some other woman. Anyhow, back to the conversation...when I told him that I had to go, he was like..."Wait, you can't go, I love you. We have to work this out!" Then he switched back to telling me..."I don't have to take this abuse, I am hanging up!" Then he did, and I changed my phone number. Of course, I wanted to call him back and apologize for being so "rude". I thought of all the horrible things he would say to his family or friends or the other woman. I felt so bad, and wanted to take everything I said back. I regretted it all. I felt so mean! But you know what? I didn't act on those feelings at all. They are just feelings and they will pass. Sometimes, they come back but then I remember or try to convince myself, he isn't worth my time. NO more renting space to him in my head. It is a daily struggle, but at least it isn't a minute by minute struggle any longer! Good job! We love you and support you!

#15 Dec 28 - 8PM (Reply to #18)

apple

Justice Jones

Thank you so much for the support JJ! It sounds like we were in the same relationship/dating the same guy.lol You just described exactly what I am feeling. I'm going to do exactly like you said and just sit with these feelings though. You are so right... They are just feelings. They won't kill me!!! Something funny that my therapist said to me in my session tonight...(paraphrasing here) "the concerning part to me is not how effed up HE is, we already know that, but how you've been making excuses for him and YOU don't see/know how effed up he is. That is the red flag for me and makes me think your even more effed up." That's not her exact words but it really hit home for me. Thanks so much for sharing!! I'm soooo glad you escaped too =)

#16 Dec 28 - 8PM (Reply to #19)

justicejones

yay!

That is so great that you are in therapy! I wish I had this option, but I do have this forum. It's like logically, I know how messed up the N is, its just that my stupid emotions often get in the way. Dumb! Wouldn't it be so great if we could just completely erase them from our heads? I sometimes do make excuses for my ex husband N, too! I think us ladies and or men that get involved with these people, often give everyone in our lives the benefit of the doubt. We so much want to believe the best of people, right? I am at the point where I am so tired of focusing on the crap that the N has done or is doing in his life, (I like to investigate him, btw), that now I am ready to focus on myself. Healing! Most days, I can see the sun peeking through the clouds and I see how wonderful my life can and will be! It is getting more like that every day! Sometimes, I do suffer stupid relapses, like last week. They last for a few days, but are getting fewer and farther between.It usually is when my curiosity gets the best of me or I am feeling overwhelmed being a single mama, that I check his FB or OW Fb to find clues on his life...this is what gets me down. Argghh! Why do I torture myself? Why do I care? I know what it is. It is me not wanting him to have a blessed, wonderful and happy life with what he has done to me and our two kids. I look for clues to show me either way. But I have to remember that FB is also a facade. Anyone can put up cute status' or family pictures, right? Escape? Yes, I escaped! I should be thanking my lucky stars. I was given a second chance and I will be held accountable with how I spend my second chance. Do I want to waste it on figuring out the dude who almost didn't allow me to have that second chance? NO WAY! Good job, Cherry Blossom! Keep your chin up, so proud you are having some break throughs.

#17 Dec 29 - 7PM (Reply to #20)

apple

Justice Jones

OMG!! I so get what you mean when you want to look them up on the internet. I haven't looked him up for months since I found him on the dating sites (eww creepy to me). This is what I told myself to keep from typing his name into ANYTHING!! A. What do I hope to find by looking him up? B. What good will it do either way? I have guy friends on facebook that I say miss you and stuff to all the time. However, they are like brothers (yuck) but it could totally be misconstrewed if someone were to see it and think something else. It would be so easy to do if you loved or were dating that perosn. lol. Our minds run away with all these scenarios. Also, I think for the most part, when people have to post how great their lives/relarionships are its such a crock of B.S.!!! I mean, REALLY?? I think about all the movie stars and famous people that are like... we are so in love and perfect for each other and then they are divorced six months later. Okay, i'm rambling. Anyways, thanks for the encouragement and I hope you are doing great!! Stay strong!! xxA

#18 Dec 31 - 11AM (Reply to #21)

justicejones

SO true, so true. I believe

SO true, so true. I believe most celebs are N's anyway. ha ha.

#19 Dec 28 - 11AM

Happy1

cherryblossom

You know in your gut what you did was right. You are strong!

#20 Dec 28 - 8AM

agnesmurphy17

YOU ARE STRONG!!!!

You are being very strong. You owe him no explanations for what you do. These types do not play by the rules. As long as you play "nice" -- you will be exploited. Going NC is actually being very, very strong. And, I promise you, after 7 days of NC, you will begin to feel better. After 1 month NC, you will feel a 'fog' lifting. You will see & feel with more clarity how this man has manipulated you.

#21 Dec 27 - 10PM

Scotchy71

Cherryblossom

I admire your courage and what strength you have!!!! You know the truth which is why you did this and even though it hurts like hell, you've given yourself the best gift you could. He will never change and is just evil personified! These narcs are pure poison and so disturbed, he will not treat the next person better than you - he can't, she will do something soon enough to set him off and he'll be horrible to her as well, they don't get help, don't acknowledge how evil they are, therefore change for them is impossible. We cannot change what we refuse to acknowledge...simple as that. Love doesn't hurt and tears cried should only be happy ones.....xxx

#22 Dec 27 - 6AM

Ava

Cherryblossom xx

That is such a huge step & I am so impressed that you've been able to do it. And it shows strength. It really does. You say you're "not strong enough" to face him but you shouldn't put yourself down like that - what your doing does not involve a lack of strength what you're doing. It is courageous & strong & smart. Very smart. You know what he is, you know that if you did face him in this situation, if you did tell him that you were changing your number & why he'd do something to manipulate you again. You're being exceptionally brave & true to yourself. And the fact that you feel awful for not telling him shows what an amazing, loving & caring person you are. Thing is; he isn't. And you deserve so much more than someone like him being "nice." You deserve the world. I think part of the reason it hurts so much right now is that letting go of these relationships is so very much like breaking an addiction; a bad addiction. And you've just taken another step towards freeing yourself. Its bound to hurt & make you feel panicky for a little while. And then the relief will kick in - the relief when you truly realise that you don't have to constantly be on guard with your phone now because there is no way he can use that as an avenue to attack you. I am so impressed with the amount of courage & guts it must have taken you to do this. Huge big hugs xxxxooooo Ava xx

Ava

#23 Dec 27 - 10PM (Reply to #12)

apple

Thanks Ava!!!

Your words have helped me feel so much better!! Day ONE of my phone number change AND I didn't die from the pain. Infact, I didn't have chest pains today. I'm only thirty one... I should NOT be having chest pains. I just thought of a funny joke. How do you know your in a relationship with a Narc??... Because you would rather be passed out on booz or sleeping pills than be in the same room with them. hahaha. Okay, my jokes really suck. I'm just trying to make myself laugh. That's really what happened when I saw him though. I had such bad anxiety I couldn't even sit still. Sigh. You don't know how much you have helped me not second guess my decision. How are you doing? Are you feeling any better??

#24 Dec 28 - 8AM (Reply to #13)

Ava

Oh cherry I love your jokes!! That really made me laugh! In

that laughing cause its true kind of way though!! :) I'm so glad I could help you not second guess your decision, because your decision is a FANTASTIC decision!! Absolutely fantastic!! I am so very impressed by what you've done & so very happy for you that you were able to do it. It is WONDERFUL!! And the gradual feelings of relief that are coming your way will feel wonderful! And I'm so glad to hear that you didn't have chest pains today! Go Cherryblossom!!!! :) I'm doing ok, thank you for asking - had a few flat spots & weird moments over Christmas but I've almost passed all the 1 year anniversaries [i.e. first time really without ex] - NYE will be the last....& I think its really going to help, getting all those done - does that make sense?! Oh, and i've finally got my ass in gear & sent you an email!! :) Lots of loving & definitely, FANTASTIC decision!! :) Ava xxxooxxxx

Ava

#25 Dec 27 - 12AM

betty2020

Even if you go back in. Even

Even if you go back in. Even if you cave and have contact. You are forever changed now because you know the truth. You can never live the lie again. India Arie wrote a song that makes me think of this. "There ain’t no substitute for the truth Either it is or isn’t Cause he is the truth You see the truth it needs no proof Either it is or it isn’t Cause he is the truth Now you know the truth by the way it feels" You know your truth by the way that you feel cherryB. You know the hurt, the pain...you know the past better than anyone. The truth hurts. Reality hurts. Sometimes it seems unbearable. But keep your emotions in check before your take action that will further the pain. Make yourself a promise. "Just for today I will not take action on my emotions, i will deal with tomorrow when it comes but for today i will rest on knowing that nothing has changed with the PDI and i will not react out of my pain and fears." Take a deep breath honey. It will pass if you stay NC. xoxo Betty only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#26 Dec 27 - 10PM (Reply to #10)

apple

Thank You Betts!!!

I KNOW I will stay NC now that I don't have to worry about getting text messages from him. That was always the hard part for me. I would eventually always give in and respond to him. I just feel like my life has been on stand still for the last three years. I'm not married, no kids. I'm sure he will propose to the next girl that comes his way. Even though he didn't love me enough to do anything like that for me. Okay, enough poor me talk. I just am trying to remind myself that I made the right decision. Thanks for all your support!! I'm putting that promise to myself in my office so I can see it everyday. It makes me feel better everytime I read it. xoxo

#27 Dec 26 - 8PM

finallyletgo

you are strong and brave. i

you are strong and brave. i admire you. even though i let go of exN awile go, the one thing i cant seem to do is change my number. my exN recently tried to come and seemed to have tried to change ( even though it truly isnt true change for these guys), but like you i still suffered from the brokenness from the past with him and the anxiety that wouldnt go away. i cant trust anything. i hitnk that it is true what another post , you are letting go of the what ifs..that is what kills it for all of us..is holding on to that. which is hard but undrestandable. i am so proud of your strenth and this is just opening trhe door for the better new life /chapter that is awaiting for you. you will grieve this but soon see how much peace you will feel. you did the right and best thing and you insprired me to do it too. thank you for that. you are free!

#28 Dec 26 - 6PM

apple

Thanks friends!!

I so needed to hear that. I can't stop crying. I didn't know this was going to hurt so much.

#29 Dec 26 - 6PM

Leah

cherryblossom

You're taking care of yourself. You're doing the best thing you can do for yourself. You don't need to walk on eggshells or wait for the other shoe to drop. You did the right thing. We all support you. Lots of hugs, Leah

#30 Dec 26 - 6PM

Briseis

Good for you honey :) You

Good for you honey :) You did the right thing. It took a lot of courage to do this, courage to go up against all the "what ifs". What if he's suddenly going to . . . miraculously transform from this hellish creature into that sweet man you fell in love with? LOL, see what I mean? You took the leap of faith that that ain't gonna happen. You know how completely impossible that is. You don't "know" love, if you believe it was "love" coming from him. When real love finds you, you are going to understand this. None of us are strong enough to face them. I didn't face mine. I let the cops do the work, so to speak. I never explained anything to him. I knew I couldn't. I knew he could undo me, his voice, his face . . . it was too much for me. So not being brave enough to face him is actually a SMART fear to have. Your vulnerability right now is as high as it's ever been. Do whatever you must to block him from all of everything. Complete radio silence. It's going to get SO much better. You will feel very lonely and regret your decision. Please come back here and talk it out. Let your friends support you through this. Having these feelings is NORMAL. It doesn't mean you should act on them, but you can't control them from happening. When they come up, you need to be reminded of the horrible stuff he's said and done. We'll help with that, and cheer you on :)

#31 Dec 26 - 6PM (Reply to #2)

apple

Thanks Brieses

It hurts unlike anything I have ever experienced. It seemed like he really was trying and changing but the damage was already done. I don't want to just dissapear on him like that but I don't know what else to do.

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