I really want to ask him

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#1 Dec 4 - 2AM

Sea

I really want to ask him

I was very triggered since last nite. I really want to ask him.

I was his pupil his staff. I trusted him why did he use that to make me his woman?

Why did he not want to treat me well after i accepted him?

Why did he lied and play around so many woman?

Did he ever care, loved me?

Do i mean anything to him?

How can it all be just a game?

Sorry am very triggered. I really want to ask him all these. Not as if i can get an answet but i deserve to ask at least once.

Sumiko

#2 Dec 4 - 10AM

Goldie

This is how codependency/ love addiction works

You read the material on PD's and there is a disconnect with absorbing what you are reading. This is how the head plays tricks on us to look for excuses to contact the PD. Even though you know on some level that he does all of this because this is who and what he is. You are unwilling or unable to ACCEPT what is the reality of the situation. A person shows us who they are by their past behaviors. If this was a company screwing with you, every time you placed an order. You would most likely stop placing orders with this company and find another more reliable company. This would be a no brainer. If you had a friend who lied to you, played mind games with your head, used you. You would eventually say, gee this is not a good friend. I don't think I will associate with this person anymore. They are not good for me and I don't like their behaviors towards me. This is no different. This person has proven himself to be a liar, cheat, and not good for you, yet you continue to ask why and question his behaviors. WHY??? Because you are addicted to the pain which this person brings to you. You are still looking for solutions to a situation where there are no solutions. You are looking for answers where there are no answers. We don't know specifically why this particular person is such a bastard. We just know that he is. Just like the bad company and the bad friend. They are no good for us and we choose to part ways. This man is no good for you and no ammount of obsessing about the situation is going to change this fact. What is lacking here for you is acceptance. Acceptance that he is what and who he is. He lacks moral charactor and moral fiber and this is the way it is. You need to understand this on a deep level in order to move past this. I believe that this type of thinking keeps you in danger of returning to him for the so called answers which do not exist. He is disordered and does not have it to give, this is why he treated you the way he did. Because he is not right upstairs and does not know how to connect in a loving way. When we are in the throe's of love addiction the mind plays tricks on us to keep us stuck and connected to the source of our addiction. This is where the problem lie's in your thinking about why, what, who, and where. These details keep us addicted and the solution lie's in accepting him and the situation for what it is. You will get there if you do the work. Are you working the steps. Do you read the book and follow the exercises? Have you written your goodby letter to the narc? Are you journaling about your pain and anger and getting it out? I would much rather talk with you about what you are doing to heal you, than to go over and over why he is such a prick. God bless, Goldie

#3 Dec 5 - 3AM (Reply to #18)

Sea

Dear Goldie, I thot I had

Dear Goldie, I thot I had already accepted the fact that he has NPD and diagnosed and he admitted. He is disordered and will never ever change. It seems that I havent at a deeper level. Maybe an intellectual level, even an emotional level but not deep enough. I looked at his charming exterior, I was hooked again. I knew from an early stage of NC that I am a co-dependent. I wrote about it here as well. I fit most of the criteria of a co-dependent. I need to work the steps... honestly and truthfully again. I did the steps but i guess more like going through the motions, probably not totally convinced or honest in it. The 4 months NC still has value. I did not contact him, no compulsive urge to do so as well. I am just coiling up and feeling sorry for myself yesterday. Today is a busy work day, the day goes by. Its now 6pm and I am going in for my next/last meeting for the day at 6:30pm and call it a day. Probably go for a jog in the evening if its not too cold tonite. Clear my brains. Sit down and calm down. Wait for a few days for the feelings to fade and then do the steps again in HONESTY this time. Honesty to myself. Thanks Goldie. I havent done very well in the healing aspect, giving you and hunter so much problems. I am trying hard to work on myself. Maybe i am co-dependent, I take a longer time. I hope to eventually reach the stage of indifference. That's my aim, i'll keep going at it. Thanks again, I sincerely appreciate your help.

#4 Dec 4 - 9AM

LightAtTheEndOf...

Hey Sumiko!

Gotta add to what the others ladies have said particularly Hunter. Ive felt this same way myself and i do believe they will say anything at that given moment regardless if it is true or not, given on "supply". You wont get a truthful answer but just like Hunter said, one thing we do know is the cycle that they use and repeat. I think the hardest thing is to deal with after being dumped by a Narc is the lack of closure. Love and Light xx

#5 Dec 4 - 7AM

Hunter

Questions of which you will

Questions of which you will never get a truthful answer. I don't even think they know the answer themselves.. Idealize,Devalue,Discard..rinse and repeat ..That should sum it up.. Hunter

#6 Dec 4 - 8AM (Reply to #15)

Sea

Dear Hunter The narc's answer

Dear Hunter The narc's answer will vary from time to time, like their unstable self. No closure, like a raw wound not stitched up. He has a new official gf now. It does hurts me as it is not just any ow. Well i know not my issue. Need to meditate to let go. Free him from my heart. Be true to my last words to him. "N i let u go, go and be what u are, a narc". He was silence. He knows that.

#7 Dec 4 - 7AM

onwithmylife

sea

seek lout a good therapist trained with personality disorders, it can be a life save, it was for me, recovering requires doing ALL you can reading, the internet, help from the outside, you are still early in, from my view. I finally closed the door after 3 years out but i spent 15 years and have little support system as well.............you will never get any real answer from the narc, i never did, if you do let me know, they are so dillusional.all they do, as mine did, is put up a barrier and he blamed me for EVERYTHING including the end of the relationship so they will not have to look within themselves.

#8 Dec 4 - 8AM (Reply to #12)

Sea

Dear OWML I wish i am where

Dear OWML I wish i am where most of u are located. Over here, i can forget about therapist. Very primitive mental health care. The only mental cases are the v serious schznoid etc, where you lock them up and sedate them. I probably have to deal with this myself. I try to tell myself it is over!! He is a diagnosed npd which part of it do i not understand? He admitted and said he enjoy being a narc not attachment to any women. That is closure already. But he also admitted that i caused him intense pain. With my going, he feels intense pain. There are 2 women that he felt this pain. I am one. He said he do care for me. He wants to be there if i am sick or unhappy to console me. Until today i do think it is true but maybe for a short while only. They cant sustain anything. Its not the new gf or anything. Those are not my issue. My issue is i have to look deep into myself. Unlock that door, and let narc get out and leave forever.

#9 Dec 4 - 8AM (Reply to #13)

onwithmylife

Sea

I am so sorry you cannot get any professional help, but in my book i would NEVER count on the ex narc for anything, they think ONLY of themselves and even that not in a good light..................

#10 Dec 4 - 3AM

uk lady

Hi Sumiko

I know you know all the answers to your questions because you have been on this site about the same time that I have. I know that you are an intelligent lady who has read and researched all about this disorder so you have all the facts. BUT, you have every right to be angry - that's an emotion as much as any other and part of the process to healing. You know that you will receive no closure from this guy, even if you do get to ask your questions because, Ns just love to keep all the NS doors open just in case they require future NS. I also know how deeply our associations with these P/Ns affect us and that does not go away as quickly as we imagined or, hoped it would. As if being in the relationshit with the ex wasn't enough to bear, we now have to spend more time on our recovery from it. Ugh!!! Sumiko, are you getting any professional assistance at this stage? If not, then I feel that maybe you are ready for some in order to push you forward again. I benefitted from mine so much and I sense that you might too. I recommended this book to Tresor and it is fantastic. It was recommended by my therapist: "What you feel, you can heal" by John Gray, Ph.D - A guide for enriching relationships. A really simple, straight forward book that can be read in an evening but so worthwhile to kick start your journey again. Much love, Dee x

#11 Dec 4 - 7AM (Reply to #8)

Sea

Dear Dee Thanks for

Dear Dee Thanks for recommending the book. Is he the same writer for men are from mars and women from venus? I will go get a copy. As for therapist, lets forget about it. At where i am they do more damage than help me. It is so unheard of, they probably will think i am the mad one. If i am in UK or US, the circumstances would be different. I think the whole of dec will be trigger month for me. I have to contribute to a quote for his 20years contribution to the industry coffee table book. I was his ex pupil, no running away from this. I have zero photos tho cos i deleted all. I dont know what to write. He has officially replaced me with a new gf. That hurts me too. Its different from the ow type of hurt. He now appears around with her. Christmas is coming. Yes, i will have a quiet one. Narc feels no pain, out and about with new gf. I dont know anything about her. Not keen to know. No doubt she has to be very pretty, very outstanding. Hopefully not a lawyer. He would always have to beat the previous one. 52yo and still dating gals young enough to be his daughters. What a joke! A brand new one at 52! Then dump her in another few years then a new one? Till his head goes bald and teeth starts dropping off and probably with ED before he quits because no one wants him anymore? After Christmas is new year then the dreadful v day! Arghh this is a bad time for people like me. Hugs

#12 Dec 4 - 9AM (Reply to #9)

uk lady

I have a very naughty idea

Hi Sumiko Yes, he's the one. It will absolutely only take you an evening to read and will be so helpful if therapy isn't an option. I got mine on Amazon and cost about $8. OMG - how absolutely awful for you. Could you get someone else to ghost write it for you? Might be someone here on the forum who could help. So, my idea would be to suggest that he was your Svengali: (Psychology) a person who controls another's mind, usually with sinister intentions. But ever so cleverly disguish it as being complimentary in his role as your mentor. Now, that would be revenge my friend. Or, see the link below as he sounds exactly like this. These men in high functioning roles love to wield their power over everybody, as you have found out to your detriment. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Machiavellianism I so feel for you Sumiko. I am waiting for my ex to admit he has NS but funnily enough he never has in the past so I am not holding my breath and tbh I am so past him that I really, really don't care this time. I am so over him and his nasty, mindf**king games. You made me LOL with : Till his head goes bald and teeth starts dropping off and probably with ED before he quits because no one wants him anymore? Keep that image in your head and it will help you through December. We will all be here for each other. Much love, Dee x

#13 Dec 5 - 3AM (Reply to #10)

Sea

Dear Dee I like your

Dear Dee I like your suggestion "your Svengali"! How i wish i could put that down in his "book"! He'll come to me with a axe if i do that! hahaha I dont want to think of his silly coffee book thing till someone comes and chase me to do it. In all honesty, all i want to write there is "I hate you for abusing my trust and raping my soul". As for that horrible "bald head, no teeth, ED" image - hard to imagine as he's still quite handsome as of now! haha. Even his almost 90yo mum looks age-less. Goodness, I wonder how these people live? Like Dracula? Ageless?? Thanks for being here for me. I am looking for December to be over quickly. I've booked a trip out of town for 2 weeks. Hope that takes me away from the pain. Also, I'll be off the mobile/emails etc and he will have no access to me even if he tries. I'll be back by Christmas and hopefully the new GF is keeping him from calling me. And New Year as well if she can do me that favor. And the following V day then I'll be v v thankful, nothing else to trigger till end June. Narcky has a hard time rem my birthday so not too worried about July tho.

#14 Dec 4 - 3AM

patricia barely...

Sometimes we regress a

Sometimes we regress a little, and that's part of the healing process. Sounds like you went back into a mini-cycle of denial / rage and want to confront him. However, from reading your questions, it looks like you already have all the answers. Give it a few days before you even reconsider contacting him. I'll bet that by then, this will have passed, and you will have preserved your precious 4months of NC instead of finding yourself back at square 1. The best thing you can do is put it all behind...and that will happen when your ego is ready to let go of this awful experience...

#15 Dec 4 - 7AM (Reply to #6)

Sea

Dear Patricia You are right.

Dear Patricia You are right. I am in a regression. I was in a daze the whole day. But i made no attempt to call, email or text him. I just dont want to let go of whatever dignity and pride i have. He is with a new gf now and many ow. I dont want to give him and his new gf a chance to laugh at me and call me pathetic. I want to hold true to my last words to him. I said I will let him go to be what he is, that is a narc. He is a diagnosed npd and aware and acknowledges it. So, he know what i mean. Let him go. Just 3 words, but that means alot of courage from me. And a part of me died with his going as i genuinely gave alot in this 3 years with him.

#16 Dec 4 - 2AM

Sea

In all 4 momths nc i thought

In all 4 momths nc i thought i am progressing with healing. Looks like it is not the case. I am back to square one. Same feeling as day1 nc. Maybe i failed or whatever......

#17 Dec 4 - 4AM (Reply to #2)

faith_

You haven't failed anything

You haven't failed anything Sea. I don't know what the "secret ingredient" to getting-over-it is in these disordered people situations (it obviously has to do with seeing them as they are, instead of everything they showed themselves to be that we believed, then wanted to believe, then kept hoping is real, etc.), but it's obviously not a linear process, and has so many factors/layers involved (even if, I know you said that you didn't have triggers from childhood, or family patterns that would've made you attracted to a narc), that i can't imagine it Not being confusing to get over this. And I can't imagine that the process won't have a lot of self-doubt either. I doubt a lot of stuff. Even with everything I know. I think about "how can he do this to me?" "How can he choose the OW" "How can he hurt me like this, sharing all the same things with the OW, when I was his first girlfriend and him my most significant romantic rel'p"...and "How...after all this, could I have been only a pawn, in the grand scheme of things". There's so many. I don't know if that means I'm not getting, or if it's just my own type of getting-over-it?. I'm just trying to keep moving, and processing, and being real with myself. Support and the right kind of thinking helps. I'm remembering the metaphor Richard Skerritt had referred to in one of his e-mails, about how it is to get over an abusive rel'p with a disordered partner. He said it's like we're a bucket of water and that partner had infused poison, let's say blue dye, into that water. In order to get rid of it, we have to keep getting, drop by drop, clear water (true messages, like support from family and friends, message boards, counselor, getting your feelings out in a constructive way, receiving positive messages, etc.), which will eventually cause the bucket to overflow. Each "positive" thing, is like a drop of clear water. And then the process continues, with the goal of getting that water back to clear (or to clear for what feels like the first time, to many). A drop is small, and would take a while, but would gradually clear the water. huggs to you, Sea

#18 Dec 5 - 2PM (Reply to #4)

Morag

I agree with Faith

I agree with Faith that there is not just one, fool-proof secret ingredient that will get a victim/survivor unstuck when she is stuck. But, I really do believe that, with some searching, she (i.e., you, me, all of us) can find the secret ingredient that is just right for her. I am confident you will find it, Sea. I really like the metaphor of the bucket of poisoned water, and visualizing its colour. It's helpful. It reminds me of a visual I've been having about my own situation which I want to share, in case it's useful for others I realized that I am am obsessing over the things he did and said, that am am having flashbacks and need answers. I don't necessarily think this is unproductive. For me, I visualize that, while I was with him, my mind and body were his personal garbage dump; the rotten fruits of his disorder were left with me. Sure, I got rid of him, but now, I just keep tripping over all the crap and garbage he left behind. Since I can't just take a pressurized hose to my mind, and since I keep stepping into shit, there is no choice but to consciously, deliberately and mindfully clean it up. Part of this, for me, is being able to name the piece of trash I find that is taking up space in my mind. For instance: oh, when he defined me (as weak, or as too inferior to really understand why he needed to blame and and criticize me) he was actually projecting his own weakness and inferiority. Or, when I remember how he said that nobody else in the world had a problem with him the way I did, I know now that he was talking about his public persona and not about his empty self which was compelled to abuse me to relieve his feeling of emptiness. His "I love you"s are also there, part of the trash heap, as I learn that each time he said this, there was a nasty surprise inside the words that meant something quite the opposite. Sometimes I love you meant "I control your feelings;" other times it meant "just shut up and see me as the nice guy people think I am because I spend most of my energy maintaining this image." For me, it's the NAMING of what he did that helps me understand what happened, and also relieves me of feeling that I was somehow responsible. Slowly (and I am picking up speed here and there), the trash is being cleared away and I can see that I am still there, underneath it all. AND, not just still there, but BETTER than before, because the odds of me being some man's personal garbage dump in the future are diminishing more and more every day. But, it is the analysis that is helping, instead of giving up trying to understand. One book that is helping me to understand is by Patricia Evans called, simply, The Verbally Abusive Relationship. All narcissistic people are abusers of one type or another because they don't see or hear other people. In this book, the chapter called "The Underlying Dynamics: Some Reasons Why" describes the narcissist/antisocial/abuser to a T and offers reasons (that is, a theory, not excuses) why he does what he does. It also describes his victim very well, without ever blaming or shaming her or labelling her as somehow defective. Everything she writes in this book is designed to help the survivor discover her self-worth and power as she revisits the ways in which he has hurt and injured her. As you can tell, this is a recommendation! Good luck to you, Sea, in your search for answers. You, like all of us, deserve to have things finally make sense.

#19 Dec 4 - 7AM (Reply to #3)

Sea

Thanks Faith. Yes, that water

Thanks Faith. Yes, that water is blue now. It takes a long time to clear the water. Hugs to u too!

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