i think im in denial

i have to admit, i have caved on NC since yesterday. I called him. he was actually alright to me. Even saw sides of the old him. But I kept in mind the whole time everything I know about his PD. I haven't cried at all since I spoke to him, or even when I was speaking to him. I do now repeat the conversation in my head over and over. I miss him. I think I am in denial. My logical head says hes got a PD and will never love me, but then theres a bigger part of me that HOPES and PRAYS he will change him mind about OW, that he will give me another chance. I hate saying this out loud cos i know how fucked up it sounds. I can say I know he's a dick, i can say i know he never really loved me, i can say he will treat the OW the same and she is welcome to him but I still want him. I do not know how I will stop feeling like this. And then I feel bad for letting everyone down who has supported and helped me on here.