I Think I'm Shutting Down, I Need Some Support

I don't want to fall into this again and I'm not sure how to break the cycle. When I separated from my husband of 30 years, I became a recluse holing myself in my house for 2 years. I had never been by myself before although I have always felt alone, like I was the extra piece of the puzzle. I had very few friends growing up, my brother was a bully but also the "king" of the family. I had RA in my youth & shunned for this. Even now, I go places & I am mostly the 5th wheel. For some reason, not only has my recent N experience w/bf been creeping up, but my whole past is being exposed before me. I am thinking of bf's that I had as a teen. All of them were unavailable for one reason or another. My husband was completely shut down thru the whole marriage. I started dating online after 3 years. I had some good ones & some bad ones. I met XBF at a dance. I pursued HIM!

Mommy issues? Yes. My mom has been vacant most of my life & still is even tho she is still living & still catering to "king Coke" who's 58 & lives in her basement w/his wife.

My self esteem is at an all time low. I am taking care of business, supporting myself & my girl in my home, exercise everyday, have a close r/s w/ my kids & a few good friends. I have no reason to feel sorry for myself.

Maybe a few recent events triggered me? The XNBF that I was w/for 2 years said "things changed" right b4 I was to go south to the home I chose for us to spend the rest of our lives together. Ok fine. He's PD. I accept that. It still hurts me sometimes tho. He's been hoovering me since the DD in January. Showing up where I am, calling my family & friends, holding my stuff in front of me. I won a judgement for cash b/c I can't trust him to return my stuff. Last msg. he said" I guess you don't want to deal w/me. I didn't want it to end this way" Oh really? You dumped me..remember? He actually said goodbye & I thot whew! He is finally leaving me alone. Then I get a common pleas notice to appear in court for money I owe him! WTF!

But that's not all. I want to go to a dance tomorrow night. I am afraid he w/be there. I have not tried to date since January. My friend Jeff w/be there for support. I am tired of doing life by myself. I want one real love b4 I die. Men are attracted to me, but I guess I don't play well with others. There is a guy I met at a fundraiser 4 months ago who I really liked. Two months ago he asked my cousin for my number. Never called. Two weeks ago he friend ed me on FB, never asked me out. Am I destined to always be attracted to screwy men?

And another thing. Last week I was exposed to a toxic chemical & developed a dermatitis eczema rash that's driving me crazy. It burns & itches like hell. The meds the derm gave me make me so sleepy & out of it. And another thing. Two of my gf's tried to hook me up w/ a "great guy". After talking for an hour, he asked me to go home w/him to smoke dope. Really? WTF is going on here folks? I am a hot mess right now.

I'm sorry this is so long & thank you for listening if you've made it this far. This is not like me. I am the strong one, the grounded one, the dependable one