i thought this was a place of support

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#1 Aug 6 - 10AM
Anonymous (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

i thought this was a place of support

I was just told that I am bitching about the same stuff...

thought that was what this site was for.... guess not

well see ya around... this doesnt seem like the place for me. going to go try and find the others that left this site looong ago.

Aug 10 - 9AM
birdie (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

destiny, you're welcome back anytime.

we all have damage from narcs. i myself don't like to be bossed or harshed on, but when it happens, it always helps. At first it's wounding, but then it gets me off my butt and out of victim mode. We all go through the same process of healing, and sometimes it's not easy for those further on the path to remember the tender vulnerable beginning time. There are those who post encouragement and sound loving advice, with a dash of gentle "get real" in there. Then there are those who want so badly for others to get down the path that they can be harsh. It all works, and I'm always grateful!
Aug 8 - 8AM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Of course it is

Sometimes people may say something in a way which appears snappish and this is no reflection on you and your leaving and disregarding all of the support which you have received here. No offense was intended I'm sure. I know that Hunter has spent hours helping people on here and outside of here with our recovery. I would call it tough love and we don't always like that. Please do not ignore all of the wonderful support you have received here because of one comment. We do need to look at our options and how to avoid contact with them and from her response to you, clearly that is what she was saying. Do something about it. Empower yourself. Don't be his victim anymore, if there is something you can do to change this then do so and if there is not, I'm sure that it makes it very tough for you to deal with. We are all sorry about that. When you have to work with them or coparent with them it makes it much more difficult to detatch. I was called a Narc by someone on here once because I was several months into my recovery and simply asked if we may consider separate sections for various levels or recovery. My post was completely misinterpreted and I was a mess over it for days. I thought: How dare someone on here call me a narc and I pouted for awhile and then I said: Screw that, I am not a narc, that person has no idea what I was talking about or going through and I meant no harm to anyone and did not even say it in a bad way. I thought, I need this board and I need recovery and I am not going to let a simple comment drive me away. Life is too short Destiny and this IS all about you. Don't allow a comment to drive you off the board. We all love you here and want you to stay. Feel your feeling about it, brush yourself off, and get back into the most important thing here and that is YOUR RECOVERY. God bless, Goldie
Aug 8 - 8AM (Reply to #15)
spinning
spinning's picture

Destiny, I'd just like to add

that when I first got up the guts to start posting (I had been reading for a year and was in such pain I finally posted) and I had posted a brief synopsis of what had happened and what I went through and what I was feeling. I was in such a fog, had bad CD and was so wounded and upset I could barely function. One reply said "You must look at yourself and figure out why you allowed this to happen to you." I remember who the poster was but I won't use her name. She doesn't post any more I believe because she's healed. From her response to me it's obvious she was way farther along in her healing and I was just beginning, never ever thinking I'd get there. When I read that response I cried even more. I felt re-victimized. I felt like I was so hurt and here was someone blaming it on ME! I went home and wrote about it in my journal and pondered whether I'd risk posting again. As it turns out, the poster was telling the truth. And as they say "the truth hurts sometimes." And so I risked posting again because I wanted the truth! I wanted to get better! And sometimes taking a risk pays off! In my case it did. I realize the comment wasn't meant to hurt me, it was simply the truth of the matter. I hope you will consider this, too, Destiny, and all of our communications over the past week or so. You are working through your issues with this user very well and I think that can continue here and you never know how much your posts and your situation helps others, too. Most sincerely, (not) spinning. IT'S A FIGHT. IT'S A CHOICE. I CHOOSE MYSELF. I WILL NOT LET ANY MAN, ANYONE TAKE ME DOWN!

spinning

Aug 8 - 1AM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Blindfaith

It is the one that offended her and it shouldn't have. Ladies, we need to keep in mind here that the words that are written lack the ability of tone. So many times in emails, text messages, etc.......when written, not spoken can be taken the wrong way because we don't hear the tone of voice. Not just here on this forum but in our every day life as well. Haven't you ever texted or written someone something where they took it completely the wrong way? I know I have on several occasions. Here is a perfect example.......... I'm hungry, let's eat, grand mom! I'm hungry, let's eat grand mom! Do you get what I am saying? Of course the child doesnt want to eat his grandmother.........he is simply saying to her he would like to eat. Without correct punctuation, tone of voice etc........things can easily be taken the wrong way. It is always best to ask the person who wrote to you what they meant and what their intentions were if you are reading something that may appear to be offensive, more so then not, you will find that you misinterpreted what the writer was actually saying.
Aug 7 - 8PM
strivingforhealing (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

sometimes the best healing comes from speaking up

and NOT leaving...instead, speak up to the one who hurt or offended you here. we couldn't do that with our Narcs, or if we did- we were discarded eventually.but I can bet if you speak up to Hunter- she will listen, be open and hear you. This alone can heal you! Please don't walk away...that is what you had to do with the N perhaps.staying here and talking it out- BEING HEARD from someone that won't discard or demean you can prove to yourself ( and your little girl) that you are worthy of being heard..Your feelings matter.
Aug 7 - 7PM
Littleone
Littleone's picture

I really hope that you don't

I really hope that you don't leave if you have been getting good support here otherwise. It would be a real shame to see you go! Ultimately your healing is the most important thing for you, so you need to do what's best for you. I read the post in question in which hunter did apologize for her choice in words, which I do agree had a harsh element to it. But she retracted her choice of words so I really don't think it was meant like that. You don't have to listen to anyones opinion on here. It can be frustrating when people on here don't get it or can't validate. I've been there!!! But the reality is, nobody walks in your shoes or knows the full extent of what you have been through and are still going through. Take what support that's helpful to you and ignore the rest.
Aug 7 - 7PM
Steph
Steph's picture

This is a place of support

I'm sorry that you have been offended. Please don't leave. There is so many different personalities here, and varying ways of offering support. Some people are harsher than others and this method of tough love works for some, but not others. If you are offended by a member, tell them that their ways of offering support do not resonate with you, and ask them to stop replying/commenting to you if they feel the need to be harsh. If you are having repeated problems, contact Lisa, or any of us moderators. No one should feel intimidated in sharing their feelings because they fear harsh comments. This is a safe place to share and learn and to feel respected. I hope you reconsider leaving! There are so many wonderful ladies here that want to help! xoxo
Aug 7 - 7PM (Reply to #10)
Lost
Lost's picture

I agree with Steph

I'm sorry you feel that this is not a place of support and I do hope that you re-consider leaving. To be honest with you there are times where I have posted something and some of the responses I have received could be interpreted as being harsh. The written word can be interpreted in so many different ways especially when you cannot see the person in front of you to gauge their emotion. Sometimes I also feel that it is my reaction to the comments because those comments have hit a nerve which I was perhaps in denial with. I'm not saying that's true for you. I agree with Steph in that if you felt offended by a particular comment or post then you need to let that person know how it made you feel. In most instances my guess would be that they weren't meaning it to be hurtful in any way but were trying to be more helpful. Please I really do hope that you re-consider your desire to leave this site. It really is a place of support and just knowing that there are people out there experiencing that same feelings, thoughts and emotions as you are is very comforting. Sending you lots of love and light and healing energy
Aug 7 - 7PM
blindfaith
blindfaith's picture

harsh responces

I just want to say that i know how Destiny feels. There are alot of nice people on this forum and ive had some very helpful responces.Compassion is always appreciated....there is a time for everything including a little diclipline and correction,when its done tactfully and nicely.....but when its constant,or if it sounds uncaring and flippant,then it does more damage for me than help. Lately ive noticed that i dont want to post what im going through or whats on my mind anymore because i hate getting snippy responces.It feels like being slapped in the face--stunning and irritating,especially when you spill your guts and reach out. Im not talking about anyone specifically. Anyway,on a forum where ppl come because of being in pain and trying to heal, its really the last place they should feel attacked.Dont we get enough of that from our narcs already?
Aug 6 - 10PM
greengirl91
greengirl91's picture

Oh, c`mon we all have bad

Oh, c`mon we all have bad days..especially here. It`s awful enough what these N creatures do to us, we don`t have to upset each other.. If someone did offended you, I`m sure they didn`t mean it personally around here. I know how Narcs make you feel, I had so much anger in me a coupple of days ago, when he annoyed me with OW, that I wanted to beat someone if I could. But That`s the Effect, of the crazy-making behaviour. They ENJOY making you feel bad, as I`m sure you know, too well. It would be a pity to ditch everything, just because someone had a bad day. People are supportive here, but not all the time, imagine all of us, in our own chaos and fog, like being Blind and in the dark, trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel. But we will find it, there are some amazing examples here, who arleady did, and wave to us from there :-) Have faith in yourself.
Aug 6 - 6PM
Sunafterrain
Sunafterrain's picture

I'm sorry you feel that way

It would be nice to know which post actually created your disillusionment. There are MANY sites around that you can be on. One of the things that I've discovered is that while one might be right for one person, another might not be. I'm not going to defend this site or not defend it. I think it is a very individual, personal choice, really, whichever helps you in your healing. One of the things that I have thought long and hard about when posting to a site is that 1. not everyone is going to agree with you 2. this IS an online forum and can often be as dangerous as online DATING. I say that because while many go to online forums for support, they don't really KNOW us, only bits and pieces of our experiences. 3. If this place isn't right for you, find another that is. I disagree that if you move from one site to another you're "avoiding" something. You CANNOT heal unless you are allowed to get it out, which is what this site promotes. There are different stages of healing. No one can tell you what is right for you. Blessings
Aug 6 - 5PM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

I just saw the post that

I just saw the post that caused you to want to leave and have to be honest with you...........none of Hunters words were in malice. I believe you read more into it then she was saying, you took a bit out of context. Honestly............ Reread tomorrow and you will see she was not being " mean" towards you.............not at all. Be thankful she cared enough to be honest with you. That's more than you can say about your N, right? She is here, trying to help........where is he? Just saying...........food for thought.
Aug 7 - 7PM (Reply to #5)
blindfaith
blindfaith's picture

Sparrow

If the post wasnt offensive,then maybe thats not the one that upset her?
Aug 6 - 5PM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

After 1 year and 48 weeks,

After 1 year and 48 weeks, you decide to leave? I am surprised that you have put so much time and effort into something and you up and leave when you don't like something that someone has said to you? Is this common behavior for you? In other words, do you turn away from things that you "dedicate" yourself to when it doesn't go exactly as you like? The best thing for you to do right now is to NOT leave, prove to yourself that you can persevere............that will show yourself the strength that you need to continue moving forward in your healing. In life, things don't always go our way. Things are said that we take possibly the wrong way or out of context. Instead of "cutting your nose off to spite your face" why not ask the person who offended you or hurt your feelings, to explain themselves. It's the fair thing to do, not just for you, but for them and everyone on this site that cares enough to be here for each other. Sit back, relax, regroup and think about what took place. Look at ALL sides of the situation and decide with a cool head and calm heart. Shooting from the hip gets you nowhere..........not here, not on another site, not in the workplace, not anywhere. You owe it to yourself. I hope you change your mind and stay but if you don't, I wish you luck on your endeavors.........on your healing..........and hope you find what you are looking for. Smile
Aug 6 - 12PM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

Oh, please don't leave. I

Oh, please don't leave. I have received some replies that were...sometimes a little hard to read. But, the intent was to help me. And if the person is being harsh, just for the sake of being harsh, then ignore that person. Not everyone will say what we need to hear. But, we give advice based on our own experiences, etc. So, hang in here. It IS a place of support. But, at the end of the day, we have to look inside of ourselves, and ask...'are we trying to get over this person?' I had to leave for a short time from the site, as I didn't want to keep talking about the ex N. I do want to give back to others here, to help and support them in their healing, so now that I'm healing...and feeling much better, I hope I can do that. I'm sorry something soured you here to the site. I don't know what thread this happened in, but hopefully, you'll choose to stay.
Aug 6 - 12PM
58 and going strong
58 and going strong's picture

Take a breath! Or two!

You thought correctly, destiny, this is a great place of support, a place where everyone helps and supports each other as we all want to make progress in our healing so we can move on with our lives. And sometimes it may be the most helpful to those we are close to, if we are not only carefully honest but also straightforward. Someone once told me that 'if it hits a nerve, it was a hit!'. So what nerve did Hunter touch that you already know deep inside needs attention, but you keep yourself suffering and in deep denial? What is it that YOU are gaining from not changing or attempting to change in your behavior and/or situation? Staying the victim deliberately and against all better knowledge can be as much a lifetime job as working on change. Know that you are a very valuable person just like all of us here. We are all working on our addiction problems. It is usually the addict who does not want to change who changes locations. Best wishes to you for healing and peace!