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gratefuljen's picture

I thought I was beyond this. Forgiveness, cut the bond of pain. BLAH BLAH BLAH

Well I had a massage today. And it released such rage, I want REVENGE.

I want to hurt him. I want to post on his fucking facebook page that he is an abuser, to women, children and dogs.

I want to call his sister and tell her what he has done. I want to call him and tell him how much I fucking hate his guts. I have not talked with him since we broke up in late January. I did break nc and text him, the stupid mother fucker that I was going to sue him in civil court.

The betrayal, the utter hate I feel for this man is scary. I understand killing someone. I supported him, married him, took care of him and he spit me out like a fucking piece of garbage.

I get this nc thing. But where do I put this hate, rage. I want to be free of it. Just when I think I am getting somewhere, it starts all over again.

I am not contacting him for any other reason than to let him have it. To get it out, to the person it belongs to.
I won't do it until I get some advise from you guys.

I am going to a meeting . I will be back on around ten.




Steph's picture
I felt that pain after the
I felt that pain after the last round with the N....where we tried being friends, and he shat on me again. 6 weeks later I was still angry that he did it again, and angrier with myself. I was FUMING mad.....so, I called him up and let him have it. Told him he was abusive etc etc. He told me I was "delusional" and "had issues" and basically to "get over it". Then I felt stupid. Don't do it! You think it will make you feel better.....but it just gives HIM more ammunition to hurt YOU more. That's all that will be accomplished. Write it down and vent it here. Take up kickboxing or go to a field and scream you lungs out, or smash something (safely haha). ANYTHING other than CONTACTING HIM. HAng in there! xoxo
neverlookback's picture
I was angry for about 6 hours, I mean I was so angry I think I broke my shower door when I slammed it while cleaning it. oops temper temper, I was angry for only loving this man and getting totally F over in the end as he waltzes off in his rich lush life. However, I know there are just some things In life you can never buy, and one of them is free will of another person. He can never buy or undo what is wrong with him and he can never erase what he has done to others in his life. He can RUN from those he has betrayed but where he is running to? Where is he going in his life that will give him anything of meaning? Revenge is knowing just that, that he is doomed for a life that is nothing but ONE BIG LIE, and conscience or not how would you like to look back on your life and know it was all a lie? I think they DO think about that, after all its about HIM, and thats all they ever think about.
enpsychopedia r... (not verified)
Anonymous's picture
I may be able to help you
I go back and forth on this issue. Remember this...the British were successful in their empire building days, because they could bide their time, keep their cool. They authored the "man who never was" Google it and you'll see what I mean. They schemed in defense of their country, but defending your personal honour dignity and integrity after an emotional attack, is also sound reason to carefully, calmly and stealthily get some justice for yourself. Pm me and I will try to give you some pointers. I am engaged in garnering some justice for myself or I would share the details publicly. Go easy on yourself, your heart and know that ultimately...there WILL be justice for him. You just want a taste of it in this life time, for yourself. I sooooo understand even though I haven't been tortured anywhere near to the degree you have been. ER
daisyme's picture
I struggle with this too...
and totally understand what you are going through. My mind races with revenge fantasies. For lack of better words, it totally f***king SUCKS!! I told my therapist that I wanted him to feel all the hurt and pain that he put me through. I was wronged in a bad way and I want justice. Your anger is justified. Its OK to be angry!!! However, I agree with what everyone else has said. Revenge will not affect him in the way that you may envision it. It will bounce back to you. People say that living well is the best revenge. I truly believe that but sometimes it's hard to actually DO that because of the anger and hurt that I feel towards the N. Find a healthy outlet for your anger. Focus on yourself and stay strong. You (we"ll) get there. hugs /d
Hunter's picture
Hi Jen, I feel your pain, It truly sucks. I agree. The only way to win this is to suck it up, Stay Quiet and go NC. I've be round Robin with this for Years. You can't win, when dealing with crazy. These people are one step below my friend Charlie Manson. Be Strong Hunter
wacaet's picture
Jen, I started a new topic in
Jen, I started a new topic in the Steps 1-3 forum for us to yell and scream and curse at our N's...here where we are safe and supported by people who truly care and understand...try it, it might help
wacaet's picture
Jen, one of the very first,
Jen, one of the very first, most important lesson I learned in AA is that anger only harms the vessel it's stored in. In order to heal, I have to let go of anger. Me being angry at him doesn't hurt him at all, even if I screamed, slapped him, etc. Maybe if I ran him over with my car but even then I'd feel so much emotional guilt and pain it wouldn't be worth it. (Remember, alcoholics are the only people who drink poison to punish someone else) I extracted a bit of revenge when I emailed the OW and his wife. I actually wish I hadn't emailed the wife, after I did,I lived in sheer terror of what he'd do when he found out. I do things in haste and anger that I later regret. I don't like regret. What mine did was send me a very threatening text about how I'd ruined his life and taken his kids from him and he would have his revenge. (hell has no fury as a man torn from his kids he said). My husband called him and left him a message to never contact me again. He texted an apology (a wimpy ass apology) to my husband and that was the end (so far and I hope always). A part of me wants to see him lose his job, kids, home, etc. A part of me wants him to seek help (can anything help these guys?)...but the smartest, healthiest part of me just wants to let go and let god handle him. God's ways are always better than anything I can think of (and this is from someone who struggles with agnosticism). Being happy with my life is the best revenge.
Used's picture
punishment to wacaet
(Remember, alcoholics are the only people who drink poison to punish someone else) THIS so struck a chord with me, insofar as i had anorexia then bulima,and my therapist saying to me why are you punishing your self, i said if i dont i will kill the person i feel caused it, i was starving my self to punish someone, i only got better[a long long haul] when i got them out of my life. that made my blood run cold when i read your post, i wish my bloody therapist had told me that eons agoxx
wacaet's picture
I remember the first time I
I remember the first time I heard it, it was very powerful! I cling to it when I get in a bad place. I will NOT hurt myself to get revenge against anyone ever again
Caligirl's picture
I too have been getting angry. From what I read, that's good! I talked to my gf today and still had to bring up the letter I wanted to send my exn, where I get to defend myself for everything he said and did, where I get "closure". I just want to blast him with words and let him have it. She advised negative. Then, my other friend said write one and burn it. Well, that doesn't give the satisfaction of blasting him with words --yeh REVENGE! But I've read the other posts and been reading here for a couple weeks, and even though that's an option, as we all have our own choices, I know it is useless. You can't win with these narc-nuts (haha, that's my version of numbnuts). It just feeds them, my anger fed mine, my tears fed him, and my hatred. I know if I wrote a letter, he'd either not respond (I think he'd read it though) or say something nasty. Meanwhile, I'd be on pins and needles thinking did he get it, did he read it, will he respond. It's just a no-win situation. I left without a word while my ex was gone. He was ending it, which he did many times as a threat. After a horrible D&D, I left. I MIGHT have some SMALL satisfaction in thinking he MIGHT read a letter, but to me it's just not worth the ground I gained by walking away. That was my F-you. They fight ruthlessly without a conscience and they like to control. If they feel like engaging in the "game", as they see it, they will, if they decide to make you squirm, they'll ignore you. I say don't engage, don't give him another chance to control, don't feed him. I remember that uneasy feeling inside of waiting and wondering, sort of like butterflies in your stomach, and the dread waiting for either ugly words, no words or kind words. I hated that feeling. Nothing is worth having to feel that again, not even sweet revenge. I know I don't want him back and could never forgive him, so even if he apologized, and that's a BIG if, what is the point? I won to the best I will ever be able to. I know the truth about what he did, the lies, the accusations, the abuse, the hurt, and so do those who know me and love me, and that will have to suffice. Silence is the best revenge. Anything you say, he will just either not follow, disregard, spin it, or make you the cruel one. I agree with Ally on imagining your revenge. Imagine him all alone, with no real intimacy, without true love, with only shallow relationships where people only feign they care for him because they have to, and others go away because they see right through him and don't have to stay, because that's where he ALREADY IS!!! Hugs!
Susan32's picture
Karma will deal with him...
And believe me, she will! And it won't be pretty. There were times I wanted to dish out as much abuse on the ex-Psych prof as he did me, to totally break him, make him face what he did, even if it drove him insane&I'd stand by, smiling&enjoying it. Here's what happened after the final D&D, and mind you, NONE of these were my ideas (well, some of them were, but I didn't bring them to fruition)- -His girlfriend got pregnant. With twins. The ex-P DESPISED children. I remember how he'd go ballistic because I volunteered at a local school. -He married his girlfriend after she gave birth. I know the ex-P didn't like marriage. He saw it as slavery. -He got tenure. Believe it or not, this is revenge served colder than a Ben&Jerry's sundae. He HATED teaching. He couldn't stand his "stupid" students. It tired him out, bored him. -His parents moved in with him. He had really enjoyed living thousands of miles away from them, he loved his freedom. Well... they moved in with him. -His father put him in a philosophical forum about consequences. I was the one who told him he couldn't constantly run from the consequences. It's something I would've done, but his father was faster with the trigger. -He hated music. He'd cite Tolstoy's "Kreutzer Sonata." He couldn't stand concerts. Recently, one of his colleagues lectured on his idol, Tolstoy, about "Kreutzer Sonata",and it was also a concert (because this colleague is a talented pianist) And to think the "War and Peace" musical concept freaked him out. I had no hand in ANY of these things. All I had to do was sit back&watch.
Amazed's picture
Revenge, or what is important
The ultimate end point of revenge is to do him in, ruin him, right? Take a load off. He WILL come to and end. And it won't be pretty. His house of cards will crumble, his life will be ruined, because of the type of person he is. Don't fight back. That is HIM WINNING. That is HIM GETTING WHAT HE WANTS. I believe the psychopath/Narc prey on people who are not only good people, but who DESPISE abuse and despise it when others are taken advantage of (the innocent, little kids, good people....) He would delight in nothing more than seeing you FREAK OUT and trying to take him down. They will win. They play by no rules, and they always win. If you have a court battle over custody of kids or property, that is one thing. IF not,,get the f outta there, and be HAPPY and jump up and down that you didn't get THAT TWISTED INTO HIS LIFE. There are many people who got more twisted into disatster with these types,,who own houses with them, have kids with them, they cheat, get different cell phones, get different addresses, different jobs,,,they are sick. Yuck.. The revenge,...feel the power of saving your self.
ally2375's picture
I wrote in another post about shooting mine with a bayonet. It sounds twisted, but I've pictured this in my mind a million times. Ahhh, that look of surprise on his face when I aim and fire...it makes me smile. Why a bayonet? Dunno. The heart wants what it wants. My anger is creative, at least. :) My point is, the revenge you take in your mind will be a million times more satisfying than anything you will get from him in reality. When dealing with a person without empathy or shame, you cannot win if you engage. The only way you win is by walking away. Doing something active will get the rage out. Running, kickboxing, cutting any clothing he may have left behind into ribbons - all cathartic. Righteous anger is a good thing. I like to think it burns out any last lingering feelings we may have for these guys.
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture
Cupid's Arrow
Bayonet, right through the heart! Has to be more painful than a mere bullet. Sounds good to me.
Sanity Check
Sanity Check's picture
We've all been there. I so understand what you're saying. The rage you are feeling - it's justifiable given what has happened to you. But the difference between us and them is that you will vent about it here with people that support you and you will not act on the way you are feeling because that fucking asshole is not worth it. You know from the time you've spent here that if it were any different we'd be telling you - this is the best support group ever and we're behind you. Don't doubt that, even when things seem so bleak. We will get there. I'm sure of it. Be strong.
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture
I get that feeling
Which is why I said, no reason to think about forgiveness early on...cause this rage rises up and you could kill someone. I don't advise contacting him, you would not be the first and you will not be the last not to listen if you didn't take my advice... From experience, I can say, you can say the most vile things and when they give you this smug f-ing look, it could cause you to commit a crime. It's sort of like being a kamakaze in that the only thing you do is crash into the f-ing mountain...then YOU die! How that hurts an enemy I don't know. I really do get that feeling. And we all tear our draws. If you think he will come back at you - you need to weigh this very very heavily and even if he doesn't the flip side as after we go stark raving mad, then we say: "awwwwww shit, it was SOOOO not worth it." You want your pound of flesh but with these asshats for some reason the universe says: "NO - you can't mess with 'em or bring 'em down they're all MINE to deal with" and that is pretty much what we end up having to accept. Of course, rather than that "write a letter but don't send it" - crap - I think that is such a mind-F as what is the freaking point, why write the letter? For it to get lost in air?... For that go curse him out in the mirror or something...it goes into AIR? NAH, I want someone to feel my rage and f-ing "get it" excuse my profanity but that is just where it's at... SO...I suggest, and I think the ladies will agree...rip him a new asshole as often as you like on here...it would make for great reading, it will help others not feel as insane it will validate others and I think just knowing you purged it and had an audience to HEAR you and VALIDATE you might bring you some "justice"...we have to create our own closure, they won't...but we will support you through it...go on take a big emotional dump! You'll feel lots better. Hugs!
wisdomneeded's picture
with Michelle...Write as much as you need to get your anger out here. There is not one single person on this forum who will not understand. Actually your venting here helps each and everyone of us. I HATE THE N - but I know screaming at him might actually boost HIS EGO ONCE AGAIN. And ONCE AGAIN make me look like the CRAZY PERSON....Well no more!!!!! Get it out to the people who KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU FEEL.... Take Care! WN