im feeling weak

17 posts / 0 new

#1 Oct 23 - 7AM

indenial

im feeling weak

I suddenly can't get the image out of my head of his tears. They looked so real. How can they do this ? I don't get it and why do I care anyway ! I've cried so many real tears for him and he's just coldly ignored me. I feel panicky today. I'm hurting and feeling like I've caused him pain but I know I haven't or he wiuldnt have done any of this in the first place. I think this has been my first really weak day and I'm feeling self doubt.

#2 Oct 23 - 3PM

NarcJunkie

Haven't figured that one out either...

... I vividly remember the moment I first thought: "wow, this guy really loves me". It was when the Narc sat on my sofa crying, completely open and vulnerable, telling me that I shook his whole life and that no woman had ever been able to do that to him. I still find it hard to believe that he consciously faked this - and all the other tears he regularly shed. Somehow he doesn't seem smart enough for that. Is it not possible that some Narcs actually do feel these emotions, just in a very self-centered way (pretending to cry over you when they're actually crying over themselves) that they really believe their own lies and that is why it seems so genuine to us? I am reading a lot on this forum and trying to educate myself on the topic. I am pretty sure that the Narc I was hooked on is absolutely terrified sometimes. He seems weak and needy rather than consciously sadistic.

#3 Oct 23 - 3PM (Reply to #15)

Syren66 (not verified)

You're getting warmer...the

You're getting warmer...the remorse he feels is only because he failed. The exN was very VERY whiny...I felt utter contempt for him, not sympathy.

#4 Oct 23 - 6PM (Reply to #16)

NarcJunkie

yeah...slowly learning to wrap my head around this

It's actually really hard to re-train the mind and not always see at least SOME good in people.

#5 Oct 23 - 3PM

Hunter

You caused him pain??

You caused him pain?? What!!!!! AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! Look at what this assclown has done to you.. Tears, Anger, tantrums .. Who gives a shit?? This about YOU!! His tears dry up you go back or even talk to him then what?? Every time you go back the meaner he gets…Remember That.. Now wipe your tears and get angry at his manipulation … HUnter

#6 Oct 23 - 4PM (Reply to #11)

indenial

i kind of dip between sadness and numbness

Or almost indifference. Should I feel angry ? I'm not sure I want to because I don't want to react to him but I know I musnt try and supress whatever emotions I feel. I really think now is the time to try and get into some therapy. Maybe I am trying to supress how I feel. I've been in the depths of despair because of him on and off for 18 months now. I can't help but feel relief in many ways that I'm finally doing what I should have done long ago and ignoring his mind games

#7 Oct 23 - 4PM (Reply to #12)

Syren66 (not verified)

It Wouldn't Hurt

To speak with a professional now that you have a better sense of what is making you feel the way you do...my biggest scare is that while I'm not around him, I'm perfectly fine...but I'm concerned that all the progress I've made will go flying right out the window if we have another encounter that is in any way positive. This is why I abandon the scene every time I see him...don't want to give him the satisfaction and I don't 100% trust myself yet. Intellectually, we all know what these bastards are up to...emotionally, something continues to pull us toward them for the longest time. I don't want to back peddle. I remember vividly, between 6 mos to a year after the split, he would give me the most affectionate hugs in public...something he NEVER did when we were together...this was either to put every other guy in the room on notice that I'm still his (this is in front of mutual male friends)...or that he was trying to coerce me into letting my guard down. I don't know...it's the not knowing that's the toughest thing to contend with in all of it. But I remember how I would spend days and sometimes a week, spinning after those brief encounters...it was awful. *sigh*

#8 Oct 23 - 4PM (Reply to #13)

indenial

any encounter

Can put us back. I'm struggling with that because I know I can't live my life avoiding him and sadly I don't think he will let me. He drove past my road in his exs car today so I'm supposed to think he's back with her ? I'm discarded ? I don't know what his game is but I fear this ia just the beginning. I'm scared because I don't want to be set back I my recovery by having to deal with him at all. I'm already avoiding people who are going to tell me what he's up to. I don't want to know !! I really don't want to know because its not healthy for me. I've made the decision to get out because I've had enough. I don't want to score points. I don't want to know. If his wife has been foolish enough to have him back then I wish her well. He treated her terribly and discarded her coldly so why should I think for one minute that its going to be all wonderful for them. He cheated on her for years before she threw him out. She never went out she was stuck at home with the kids while he lived a double life behind her back so really I shouldn't feel bothered by him going back. I let him go so he's free to do what he likes and more importantly so am I !!

#9 Oct 23 - 9AM

ruby01 (not verified)

indenial

I hear ya! Of all the tricks they have up their sleeve, this one is the toughest one to ignore. I know that a lot of women find ST to be the worst. but for myself that doesn't work in his favor because if he leaves me alone, I just get stronger, Turning on the charm or looking pitiful makes them seem so human and then you feel like the mean insensitive one. It is just another act. If one thing doesn't work then they just come up with a different approach. Unless we completely shut them out, it will never end. He will not allow you to go on and enjoy a happy, healthy life. He won't. You have to do it yourself. They are relentless. They could care less about what they are doing to you as long as they get what they want. I'm facing the same weapon (pity/kindess) and I have always in the past caved in. Let's see how we do this time. Let's make it THE LAST time. I have never had this forum in the past to help me through it. Hopefully it will be the strength that sees us through. "I get by with a little help from my friends." Let's do it! XXX. Ruby

#10 Oct 23 - 3PM (Reply to #9)

indenial

id never be getting through this

Without you all here. Knowing you are with me makes all the difference. I've tried everything to make friends understand and they just don't. The trouble is you end up having to avoid friends or you can't be honest with them because sometimes what they are saying is not helping :( I need positivity not people telling me I'm weak and should have done it a long time ago !! I know that but I needed to release myself little by little from his hold !! Maybe if I come accross someone like him again I will walk the first time he mistreats me or lies to me. Actually no maybe. I will walk. But god I didn't even know what was happening to me for the longest time !! Hugs to you ruby xxx

#11 Oct 23 - 2PM (Reply to #6)

Syren66 (not verified)

These People's Theater Can Dupe an Entire Nation

Remember Susan Smith? The mother from South Carolina who drove her car with her 3 year old and 6 month old children strapped in car seats into a lake and let them drown? Do you remember the sobbing on national t.v. she performed as a "black man who carjacked her vehicle with her babies in it" was on the loose with them somewhere? And how that theater created a national manhunt? And how AWFUL her then boyfriend, for whom she murdered her children, felt when he learned the truth? And her ex-husband, who stood dutifully by her side, had to learn of the horror that was Susan along with the rest of the country? These people are the consummate actors...DO NOT be taken in by any of it. They are all full of shit.

#12 Oct 23 - 3PM (Reply to #7)

indenial

full of shit

I'm done falling for it. Sick bastard.

#13 Oct 23 - 3PM (Reply to #8)

Syren66 (not verified)

Awesome! :D

#14 Oct 23 - 7AM

Swan

indenial

Don't doubt yourself. He is manipulating you and he is able to do that because you have a kind heart and believe in the good in people. That's how we all got snookered. Sometimes it takes a minute to fully realize just what they have done to us, and who they are. They are not like us. They do not have a heart. Even when they are good to us, they have ulterior self serving motives. Don't doubt yourself. Stick to the forum today. PM me all day if you need to. I will be around doing work for the most of the day today. I am here for you.

#15 Oct 23 - 8AM (Reply to #2)

indenial

thankyou swan

Its so good to know I have someone to turn to who understands. I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall and if one more person says to me "oh you've said this so many times and you've gone back" I think I will scream !! Can't they see what's happened to me !! Yes he tried to play to my kind heart. Well thankfully this time I rejected his ploy and even though I'm breaking inside he will never see it. He said to me in the last big D&D " I've hated you for a long time. I just wanted to make sure that he (my ex partner) hated you and would never have you back". Well he didn't get what he wanted because my ex partner is here with me supporting me every step of the way. I never should have gone back that last time but I did and obviously as painful as its been I needed to do it to open my eyes further and take away the last remaining doubt about what he is. I don't excuse my going back to him but I understand it and I can't waste time beating myself up for it or letting anyone else beat me up for it either. I'm sticking nc even though its scary for a multitude of reasons. Thanks again swan. I will pm you if the temptation to reach out to him gets too much xx

#16 Oct 23 - 8AM (Reply to #3)

Swan

we all understand indenial

As a matter of fact, the last time I went back to him, my mind was really in the place that I KNEW, for 100% certain that it wasn't going to be any different, that he was never going to change and that he was never going to be anything other than an abuser to anyone! But, I had to see with my eyes wide open just how disgusting he could be. AND let me tell you this, he was even more disgusting, dehumanizing, degrading and demoralizing than I could ever have imagined. Joke's on him though, I knew all along what he was doing and what he was trying to do and I silently laughed inside as he pulled one heinous stunt after another all the while I knew I was the one driving the bus this time. He thought it was just business as usual with Swan. NOPE! I already had my plan to escape in the works, it was just a matter of waiting for all the little pieces to fall into place. And they did And I left And now I am working tirelessly on my healing because while he deeply damaged me, he did NOT destroy me! He. did. not. destroy. me.

#17 Oct 23 - 3PM (Reply to #4)

indenial

this is what i did too

I went back knowing what he was and gathering more evidence for myself. Yes at times I dipped into a bit of magical thinking but never for long and I planned my escape. My emotional escape more than anything and I let the relationship run its course for a bit longer with him thinking it was on his terms but really I was the one in the driving seat. In doing this I got to experience how truly dull boring and unfullfilling life with him was and it really has hepled me see that I don't want him or need him. So I carried on I played him and then when I was ready I let the D&D come and I didn't respond. I walked away and when he came back I rejected him. So now he is left with what ? Trying to flaunt old supply in my face. Let him get on with it. He doesn't love her anymore than he ever loved me. Let him get on with it. Yes he did some damage along the way but he didn't destroy me. It was tough seeing him drive her car today and I have had to deal with the thought of " he's gone back to her already " but its not killing me. What does that tell me about him ? It tells me what I already knew anyway and its the reason why I stopped wanting him. Let him play his games. Can't be much fun when your opponent has left the game can it. Let her be the one to suffer now. Not that I wish that on her but I can't help her. She couldn't help me either. After all she played the fool for years with him so that's what he needs. I said I'd never play that role and I didn't.

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