I'm Going Down

I think it's time you violated HIS boundaries. Make him do what you want, how you want-even if means some emotional blackmail and manipulation thrown it. Don't be afraid of calling him crazy-HE IS. Don't worry about questioning his version of events-he's disordered anyhow. He is being WAY TOO CONTROLLING. He shouldn't be taking you to work-he should be the one thumbing a ride. Promise to stay the night-then DON'T. He needs to be as screwed over by you as he did you. Sometimes the only way bullies back off is if they get a double dose of their own medicine! The ex-Psych prof REALLY backed off when I had him publicly mocked in the senior skit. It was humiliating for him at the time, and I topped it off by recounting it gleefully to him the next day. Your ex-N should be willing to suffer for you. And you ought to make him suffer. Put YOUR NEEDS so ahead of his he gets lost in the shuffle. Treat him like "oh? mere mortal? you have needs? I forgot." Make it SO MUCH ABOUT YOU he has ZERO breathing space!

the level of control he is applying. It is not unlike the toddler who is afraid to put his favorite toy down for fear it will get snatched up (of course we all know what happens to it later), and I truly hope your trust in him pays off. I agree with Hunter though, let him earn it. It's good you will be going back to your apartment, and again, agreeing with Hunter, it would be optimum if you keep it. Also, it is good you have your sister and family close. Know that you still have your friends on this forum too. I have always been able to tell from your posts that you are a smart and caring woman. N's like to go after the best and brightest. I know you know "intellectually" what you're dealing with, but your heart tells you another. It is so intense being with a N. They are so passionate, larger than life, and charismatic. I too loved my xN for all these things and for the little boy vulnerability, but I had to see who he really was and what he is capable of. With those things, also came the bad behavior, disgusting comments, temper, criticism, silent treatments, and control. His actions toward me weren't love. Control, jealousy, and fear aren't love. But it's like what one poster said, YOU have to reach YOUR rock bottom. My concern for you, bada, is that you see this before he hurts you further, whether that be verbal or physical. I was thinking perhaps you could stall moving in by saying you would like to work on yourself for a little while (maybe get some counseling) so that you CAN give him that 110%. I read when you say it like *I* need to work on ME, N's aren't as threatened. Honestly, counseling would not be a bad idea at this point, one more source of support couldn't hurt. I hate to harp on the counseling, but so helpful. I think, if I recall, one of your earlier posts said you were in your 30's and feeling old in terms of goals. Yet, being young is why it is all the more critical, bc you can learn now from this experience with time to grow and enjoy the fruits of your lessons learned. I am 44 and have to open my eyes as to why I chose my exN, allowed his abusive treatment and disrespect, and why I went back when I knew what he was early on, and let me tell you I knew and friends knew. We all really need to reach the point to leave in our own time, but please reconsider moving in, as this is a critical point for abusers, often getting worse when you do. Also, I know we often talk about making a list here, but try writing out "why" you love him and all his negatives. Then ask yourself is this enough? Can you TRULY live like this? What do YOU WANT in a r/s? How do you want to be treated? Look at r/s's in others you admire, what do you like about them? My sister's husband has just arranged care for their children bc he is taking her on a surprise trip tomorrow that has to do with her favorite hobby. He is self-employed and can hardly take even a day off work. Well, I think I've said enough. You will definitely benefit by having your own place to do these things and reflect. If he loves you, he will understand. I think he is keeping you close out of fear, but holding on with a death grip and suffocating is not love. Love will wait. So take care, keep using that fine head, and guard your heart.

We all know you love this guy but step out of yourself for a few minutes, take a deep breathe and look out as an observer, if you are writing this all correctly, LOOK at how controlling and manipulating the guy is towards you you cannot even use your own car, he immediately wants you to give up your apartment, that is not a man in LOVE with you, he is a controlling monster who does not want you to leave his sight, not a guy who is trying to reform himself and will do for you what YOU want him to do. We know you will do what you feel you must, but think again,CAN WE ALL DIFFERENT PEOPLE ON THIS BOARD BE SO WRONG????

If he wants you back he needs to work for it! If this is real, it should be give and take! No way would I leave your apt! It's yours now! He's love booming you!! Hunter

and uber controlling. I know this guy. He is the borderline-psychoboy disordered one I was involved with and went back to four another year of hell. As long as you stick with his program things will be just groovy until he changes the program. Expect those changes. And each one will whittle your life down further and further until IT'S ALL ABOUT HIM. He drove me to photo shoots and stayed in the car. He waited in my house while the lawn mower guy did his thing. He plugged in my cell phone every night before leaving to make sure I didn't have any messages or missed calls (I wasn't allowed to talk on the phone when he was around...I learned that through a long silent treatment punishment). He called at 5:01 p.m. to make sure I was on my way home from work. Pretty soon there was nothing "romantic" about it. It became very tedious and oppressive. I was deluding myself to think this behavior meant he really cared about me. It meant he had to control me because I'd gone NC once before. By the time I was out of that last year of hell (if it weren't for my father's dying process so I mended with my family) I had no friends and no one who really believed that I was done with this guy. Everyone was weary and tired of it. It was up to me and I was very much afraid and alone. I'm sincerely hoping this does not happen to you, dear Bada. You know I like you alot and care about you. The reason I'm being so blunt is you are a young woman. I set up similar patterns for myself (in hindsight I see this) when I was your age. I spent most of my adult life thinking I "wanted" relationships where it was dramatic and exciting but I was treated poorly and always confused, frightened, trying hard to be a "good girl". Good, kind, nice, men with character somewhat frightened me. I didn't think I was good enough for them. So at age 53 when I was almost, almost dead I realize that IT'S IN ME to abandon the pattern, to change the script! I wasted a lot of years being controlled and treated poorly. I've had more fun, more excitement and been treated better in the past six months than I have in the past six years with freakboy! I am afraid that if you accept this now you will be accepting this for your entire life. That's all I'm saying. This is huge, Bada. It seems like excitement and love and all that, but it's your future, too. YOUR PRECIOUS TIME AND YOUR PRECIOUS LIFE. You only get one go around. Please make it the best you can. Love, (not) spinning. AND I WISH NO ONE ELSE EVER WOULD TOO.