Im just lonely...

So you fall in love with him!
You think he is the most wonderful humane man on earth.
He showers you with compliments and affection.
He is everything your looking for.
Kind, generous, sensitive. he listens to you and never interrupts and keepseye contact with you like he has never seen anything so beautiful...
So you get pregnant and and you get married and you think it will be a wonderful dream come true..
BAM...
So you get the abuse, the gas lighting, the ignoring you till you feel invisible, you put up with the derogative statements about your looks, your friends, your choice or work, you choice or opinion on anything. You start to feel ugly and he lets you know that you really as ugly as he makes out. You might loose or gain weight and you think he must be right about you! You start thinking and operating on his terms and loose all ability to have your own mind. You allow him to keep having sex with you long after the intimacy has already gone out of everyday life. You let him bully you and instead of standing up to him he talks you round and round in crazy circles and you become a weak whimpering wreck. You cant tell him to leave because you feel helpless and you think it must be you. Alcohol, drugs or over eating, whatever it is you have to do it to ease the anguish but in fact this just become battle fodder for him to ambush you with.. You feel cheated, betrayed and used. You keep hoping he will change and keep trying to make it better. You go to marriage counsellors- the one he manipulates have you looking like the insecure looser who has all the hang ups that are causing all the problems... and the ones he can't trick make him run so you go on your own for ages but he wont come because he he says the counsellor is a looser who doesn't understand him. He is special and more intelligent than any old middle aged dooser who works to try help people to fix there marriage's.
So eventually you find the strength to break up. You feel empowered for a while as you go no contact and then the proceedings arrive for the childcare. You are forced to work together to make arrangements for taking care of your children. You stop bickering each time you meet and he goes back to buying you flowers of gifts and telling you, you are beautiful when it suits him to do so. He probably hasnt found anyone else and he is realising he might have to make do with you even though he cant really stand you. You don't know this. You think he is changing or being nicer because he is capable of seeing the elements of his wrong doing. So slowly you let him back in. You know in your heart that your better instincts tell you that he is still the man that made you feel stupid and inferior. That bullied you into total submission of your senses. And yet you for your children, because you feel lonely you make stupid mistakes . Sex after this point may happen and you will feel drained and shamed. You don't quite know why but you just feel bad.
Then you might come to your senses and back off before he moves back in and beginning the torture again. You get the picture as you start to see him find other interests and hobbies that become more important that spending time with you or the children. He might try and have sex with you but kissing you in general is not on his agenda. He cant come round because he has to work, or he has to train, or he has to see his colleagues, or he just has to be alone. then her reminds you it is you that asked him to move out and that you cant expect him to come round when he doesn't even live with you anymore. Its your fault that he cant make time for you because you chose the split. You try and tell him it was no choice and that he was a bully but he wont hear of it and reminds you that it was you who was drinking or being crazy and shouting. His calm collected shit stirring manipulative continues to permeate the soul of you...
and in the end when its actually over you are just left feeling lonely, bitter and tired. Isolated by motherhood. Your job which he tried to get you to quit to stay at home is the only thing that makes you feel you are connected to people still. You cant go anywhere in the evenings because you don't have anyone to look after your child and he only has him for you to go to work. You might get an agreement form him for the gym membership and for a few hours here and there to go, but in all honesty your too dog tired form working, cooking, cleaning, and gardening. You are exhausted from his draining intensity when you do see him. You know your children still love him dearly and in fact he makes more time for them. He buys them big gifts and is wonderfully fun with them, when he is there, but they always ask you where he is, when he is coming and why is he gone? You cant answer... . You son says that your boring. That because your always cleaning etc. You feel boring.
So in the end of all this I am just lonely. I have friends who are either happily married or who are single and free. I like doing yoga but I cant find the time and in short I even sometime feel too tired to make healthy food. Its crazy.

...but even after you get them out of your life you still don't feel like the happy go lucky young woman you were before you met him. Men don't whistle at you. You don't get chatted up anymore. And... you feel down right sorry for yourself about it. It pathetic really as you should find true love in your self and be content that you have your children and your home. But somehow something is not sitting right. You didn't sign up to this right?
So why does it have to be so damn isolating to be sucked in and spat out in this way...
I miss the freedom of my life before him. I must be a sad self interested puts not to appreciate what I have in life now. But somehow I just feel angry and sad that I am fatter, older and tireder that I have ever been without a husband who can wrap his arms round me and say . 'I love you as you are'... be intimate and mostly be there for me.
Maybe I made this happen by being so submissive or being unkind in my younger dating life to others, who knows? butI just don't know why it isn't time for me to experience more happiness. One of my favourite authors said that we must live each day in pure gratitude. I try to, I do, but when your folding the umpteen piece of washing and you have yet to scrub floors or hoover all before you make lunch and then rush around to get ready for work, you cant get kind of angry and pissed off I think. Maybe that is just capitalism, rather than narcs in general but I just wish I had met a man who would help me in the garden and not tell me my opinions are stupid, a man who would think nothing off asking me 'how I feel"
the tragedy is that he did ask me how I was feeling sometimes but only when he wanted to butter me to ask me if I would take leave form work to have our son, when he wanted to go away somewhere. He was so clever that he knew what the words were that I wanted to hear and would happily say them without the feeling behind it, just to get what he needed out of the situation.
I am sorry if I am unloading. I just wish I felt connected spiritually or emotionally to some one so that I felt fulfilled. I know your supposed to find love in your self. I know that!!!! but its just so hard when you living the repercussions of giving your everything to someone who took it all and spent you like dirty money. My favourite author says you should thank your tormentors because these people will teach you your biggest lessons and thus you will grow more in this point of your life than any other. Maybe she is right and maybe this is growth. But its certainly a very definite time of coming to understand my self as who I am now.
I guess then I will thank him in a weird, I needed the torture, kind of a way and start trying to work on myself... My love goes out to all those who have been left feeling so deeply sad as I do... I love my child and thank god for him and hope that he will grow up to have something better than this for his life. I will try to pray and make that my only priority now... God bless you all... xxx