Im not in a good place

25 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Sep 23 - 7PM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Im not in a good place

I broke 21 days NC and it has all been down hill since. To add to that I know that my ExN will be in town for his HS reunion. I txtd (didnt say anything about me knowing that) and all I have gotten is a bunch of double speak about where he is right now.

To add insult to injury last night I had the overwhelming urge to see if he was on match.com. Yep you guessed there he was. His discription of what he;s lookin for is me. He even used one of our past experiences.

I dont know if alot of you know but I am married. I realize alot of you may not understand. I get that. I never thought I would find myself in this situation. The N is someone I had a relationship (4-5 years) in my twenties. I suffered a great deal then too. I never knew what had caused the dimise of that relationship but I spent almost 2 years trying to get over it. Enter my husband who is an awesome guy. We have been married 14 years. So I add guilt on to all of the other issues and emotions Im feeling. The Ex n came back into my life with big promises of how he knew that he wanted to be with me and always loved me and he would wait as long as took for me.
I bought in to all of it.

So I sit here tonight wanting to cry my eyes about the N being here in town and not seeing me but I cant because I cant let my family see. I cannot speak to any friends regarding my pain as they would all freak that I was even talking to the N as they all knew and hated him from the first round. I feel like mind my is in prison. Solitary confinement at that.

I do have one friend on here that I speak with daily and honestly She has been a God Send. Its so hard to keep all of this inside. It makes you feel so isolated and alone.

Thanks for listening

Sep 24 - 10AM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

my heart is breaking

Knowing he's here in town. I'm at work and I can't focus on anything. I just want to run out of here and cry. To have to go thru this twice? I'm in so much pain
Sep 24 - 12PM (Reply to #24)
anonymous
anonymous's picture

Take the Day Off

and go somewhere by yourself and cry. You need to cry. And you shouldn't be ashamed of that need because it means you're human.
Sep 24 - 7AM
terri
terri's picture

Sick of it

If there is anyway that we can exchange email addresses and talk privately, I'll share my story with you, which is extremely similar (including the lost pregnancy). I'd rather not post everything on this board. I think that if you're open to communicating with me, I can offer some insights and perspective that will help you focus on what you have in your life that is good and move forward with that. I DON'T want you making the same mistakes I've made and lose what is truly wonderful in your life. Please respond if you're interested in communicating off the board and I'll get my contact information to you. It's very hard to see what is good in your life when the narc is consuming so much of your attention and energy. But hang in there and know you're NOT ALONE! Terri

Believe in yourself!
Terri

Sep 24 - 6AM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Thanks Ladies

I do love my husband. He is a good man. Its just that as a young woman in my twenties I fell madly in love with the N (as we all do) I never got over the heartbreak. I went on with my life fell in love with my husband. Did I mention that he called me three weeks before my wedding and asked me to have dinner with him. Now all these years later at age 42 Im dealing with the pain of this all over again. Because I didnt know what had happened all those years ago I never dealt with the pain of that relationship especially since I had been pregnant with the N (lost the baby) so when the N came back in my life, we talked about that and how we were bonded because of it. I truly believed at the time that this man was the love of my life and that he came back into my life because we were meant to be together. It just went from there. So now I have all of the stuff from the first round plus the betrayal from the second time to deal with all while trying to maintain my normal family life. Sometime I just sit and wonder WHY? Why would I have to endure this twice?
Sep 24 - 7AM (Reply to #18)
anonymous
anonymous's picture

Hugs to you

I missed the part that you had been pregnant by N. I'm so sorry for both of your losses (the baby and him). Now I understand your bond even further. =( I still think you should talk to a therapist. You need to find a healthy way to get all of this out. Hang in there.
Sep 24 - 7AM (Reply to #19)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

thank you morty

I dont talk about it much. Its too painful. I even have tears in my eyes while I type this. Thats part of the reason I havent shared my story but Ive been on here over a month now so many of you kind of know it by my posts however I never posted anything about my pregnancy as I just couldnt.
Sep 24 - 7AM (Reply to #20)
anonymous
anonymous's picture

I understand

Hug
Sep 24 - 7AM (Reply to #21)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Morty

I will ask Betty for your contact info
Sep 23 - 10PM
kiwi10
kiwi10's picture

awe sick of it :(

you have beensuch a source of strength an inspiration to me... i'm so sorry... i know how it feel when you just KNOW youre done, then something triggers a relapse.... just hang in there... we love you
Sep 24 - 6AM (Reply to #16)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Fierflie

Thank you! warm hugs!
Sep 23 - 8PM
WiserNow30
WiserNow30's picture

Match.com

My ex N is back on match.com also. Keep in mind that he just sent me flowers on Monday saying how I am the love of his life and he wants to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me. I feel sorry for anyone that goes out with him. The scariest part is that they will think he is such a nice guy with his shit together, not having a clue that he is a total fraud and sex addict who will just use them and lie to them. He will try to rush them down the altar just like he did to me so that they will be tied to him.
Sep 23 - 8PM (Reply to #14)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

btw

nice guy is part of his user name. Oh yes he's so nice that he tried to sleep with another mans wife and I do say "tried" he couldnt get the job done becuase of ED which I still havent really figured out what that was all about
Sep 23 - 8PM (Reply to #11)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Oh yes you cant believe the

Oh yes you cant believe the BS he has written actually clueless and I both said it was over the top. "He likes kissing in the rain" which is something he stole from incident occurred between us years ago that I brought up. He has professional pics up of him on his Harley. His profile said he is willing to go up to 500 miles. Which explains why he has been traveling so much. Its all so very heartbreaking. His lies telling me that he will always love me and He;ll love me the rest of his life yet I have not spoken o to him on the phone in 5 months only txts nor have I seen him in 5 months. When I write this I see how ridiculous it sounds how he has been able to mentally torture with txts or the lack of txts Its all so exhuasting
Sep 23 - 9PM (Reply to #12)
WiserNow30
WiserNow30's picture

sick of it

My ex N has pictures of our most "special" times together on match.com with me cropped out of them. His profile says that he can't wait to fall in love and start a family together. Total bullshit. He can't wait to find a new victim to meet his supply needs and stroke his ego. He texted me today asking if I have a DVD of his. He will think of anything to contact me. I'm on Day 1 of NC and it's tough but for my own damn good. I'm looking out for me now. He is a soul-sucking vampire that tried to ruin my life with his lies. He wanted to be like me but can never be a good person like me. He is evil.
Sep 23 - 9PM (Reply to #13)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Yep mine has the same BS on

Yep mine has the same BS on his page 44 never been married and has no kids also he is super hot. Has a really sappy proile with all oF the romantic buzz words
Sep 23 - 7PM
anonymous
anonymous's picture

Sick of It

I'm sorry you are hurting so much. And even though you know this, I'm going to say it because it's worth repeating for all of us (myself included). The narc will not be the person to take away your pain. So, let me ask you. And feel free to get my e-mail from Betty if you'd rather have this "conversation" privately .... You know I'm married because you've read my story so I'm asking this as someone who totally understands and not as someone who is passing judgement. Walk a mile in someone else's shoes .... My question - does your husband know what happened? Does he know about the narc? And are you in therapy either individually or as a couple? Because, as strange as this may seem, one of the keys to my healing has been having my husband here to talk to. He knows everything because of our *different* circumstances/marriage. And he's been supportive beyond description. If you're not in that situation, is there a way that you can come clean to your husband? Are you committed to working it out with him? Because if you are, you will have to deal with the narc issue at some point. I'm here to lend an ear if you need it. Hang in there.
Sep 23 - 8PM (Reply to #8)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Thank You Morty

I dont want to even go there with my husband it would devestate him and I fear it would be the end of our marriage. Im sure the Narc would love that. In fact he just had a very serious health issue life threating in fact and the Narc inquired "How is _____" as if he cared. Im sure he'd like nothing better than for my husband to have died. I seriously think sometimes he's pissed because he couldnt have me to himself. It would require to much work and basically hes a coward. Ive just gotta get thru this. This man has stolen so much from me and now he has soiled my marriage too! Thank you so much for your comments and support it really helps
Sep 23 - 8PM (Reply to #9)
anonymous
anonymous's picture

I'm so Sorry

I know. But I think that in order to get through this, at some point - it doesn't have to be now, you're going to have to find a way to be honest with your hubby. Perhaps you need to get some therapy for yourself now? And the therapist can help you with your marital issues once you cycle through the grieving process after the narc? I think that bottling up all of your pain and emotions, in the long run, is going to delay your healing and hurt YOU. And the narc didn't soil your marriage. Your marriage has nothing to do with the narc - even though he had no business interjecting himself into the middle of it. All I'm saying is to think about yourself right now. And find a way to release your pain. Keeping it all in isn't good.
Sep 23 - 7PM
better off
better off's picture

I feel your pain. I'm

I feel your pain. I'm married too, and it was torture hiding my despair. I'm not sure I hid it very well either. I have walked out of Target, leaving my full cart in the aisle, sobbing. What fun. It will get better. It will. You can find forgiveness. But you have to go NC and stay that way. It only hurts longer if you don't. His rejection of you has nothing to do with you. He is a disaster. To interject himself into your marriage with no thought of the consequences to you, and then leave you again, is disgusting. Please keep up hope that you will get better. NC, NC, NC
Sep 23 - 8PM (Reply to #2)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

better off

Did you tell your husband? Its almost unbearable to have to hide and suppress all of this pain.
Sep 23 - 9PM (Reply to #5)
better off
better off's picture

Hell no! He would not

Hell no! He would not understand, I wouldn't expect him to really. He would NEVER forgive me, ever. And it would kill him. Why should I cause him any pain because of mine. I think in morty's situation, her husband was very suspicious and kind of on to it. My husband was definitely suspicious at the time, but not enough to do anything about it, like check my email, because he is firmly committed to denial as a life philosophy! Sometimes it works in my favor. And he was bombed half the time. He wouldn't have noticed if I was walking around wearing a shirt that said I LOVE N. Sometimes he knew I'd been crying, but he didn't really want to go THERE. Look, I think it would be selfish to "come clean" so you can feel better, because it would make him feel worse. Why hurt him if you don't have to? And it's not fair to ask him for comfort, and it's not fair to relieve your guilt by telling him. Unless there is a reason to tell, don't tell. Get your comfort from people who understand, like here, and a good therapist. It WILL get better, and you will manage somehow... look, I said I had a midlife crisis back then and I think I did! It caused one. Claim hormones, claim whatever you have to. Don't tell. JMO.
Sep 24 - 6AM (Reply to #6)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Better off

Im not gonna tell him. It would only bring him pain that he in no way deserves plus it would only give the N yet another victory that he was able to screw up my marriage. Its horrible when you have to hide it all huh?
Sep 23 - 9PM (Reply to #3)
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

sick of it

I am so sorry for your pain and the isolation and separation it has made for you. I see you have so many tough decisions here because the N has done what they always do, compromised your honesty in the relationships that are important to you. How do you come clean with your husband who may not ever understand the workings of an N? That is so difficult. You had an unfinished history together that is being exploited. I feel for you. You do have to find or remember the love that you have for the life you now have over the fairy tale. The exN got to me when I was married because I didn't have a life I loved. My husband was beyond neglectful for so many years, I was vulnerable to the fairy tale. You have to want and love what you have enough to ward off the fairy tale. Perhaps honesty will bring your husband out to try a little harder to be these things again. I don't know your circumstance that personally to say. But I know that the only way the exN got to me was because there was so much emptiness in my life with my husband. Passion is a very tempting thing when we have none in our life and have been missing it for so long. Could it be a wake up call for both of you? Forgive me if I am way off base. almostlydia

almostlydia

Sep 24 - 6AM (Reply to #4)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

yes almostlydia

He has once again injected poision into my life. The N is a horrible person but I still find myself feeling love for him. I know hes an illusion but I loved him with all my heart. To know that he is here in town and has made not attempt to see me is killing me. What this man has done to me spanning a twenty year time frame is unbelievable.