I'm very weak today

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#1 Jan 16 - 7AM

Happy1

I'm very weak today

I am very emotional and weak today. I am tempted to break no contact so I'm writing on here.
I miss him so much it hurts. I see the counselor on Tuesday and hopefully that helps. I'm so unhappy and have such a very strong longing for him. It's very intense this morning. I'm doing everything I can. I'm so scared of my emotions and breaking NC. I am struggling. I will keep going and get up and move.

#2 Jan 21 - 1PM

kaitaly

Be strong

You must be strong. If you go back you will only postpone the inevitable. Release yourself from his grasp. Remember, what are you missing?

#3 Jan 18 - 4AM

jaycee

happy

happy, please be strong, dont give into your emotions, it is not worth it, because each time, we fall harder, it hurts much worse. if you can get over this period of longing for him, you will find more and more strength. they are toxic and will destroy you........trust me, i know, i have been there for twenty four going on twenty five years, a quarter of a century i have wasted loving an empty shell, a man without a conscience, a man who cannot know what it is to love, not even his own children, unless it suits him for the moment..........please, do it for yourself, for your son, dont give into this, it will only destroy you even further, there are times, when i am so lonely, i could die, but better to feel the lonliness and the heartache, then be sucked in by the vampire, they are not human, they are monsters, everything you know about him is an illusion, hes not real, please be strong, dont be me, i wasted a lifetime i passed up knowing what true love was, what joy and happiness could have been, on a man who disrespected me, devalued me, and discarded me time after time..........and he only gets worse with age,,,,,,,,,,God, if i only knew what narcissim was twenty five years ago, i would actually have a life........be strong my friend.....i will keep you in my prayers, i will ask God to give you strength and courage xoxo Jaycee

Jaycee

#4 Jan 18 - 10AM (Reply to #35)

Happy1

jaycee

I appreciate your heart felt message so much. I am sorry you endured such pain for 25 years. I hope now you are finding your happiness. I am doing everything in my power to be over the narc but it is hard. This is a true addiction and I see my couselor tonight, so hopefully she can knock even more sense into me. I am not contacting him and know I cannot. I just pray he doesn't spring around a corner because I know I would beg for him back. So as long as I never see him again I'm fine. This is a weak time for me and I know I can stay NC if he just stays far away. He's quiet now and I pray it remains forever. I need it. Thank you for having me in your prayers. It means a lot to me. Happy1

#5 Jan 17 - 10AM

Janet

I printed out the

I printed out the neverlookback's "Excellent Article" to re-read whenever a stray thought that he might be normal crosses my mind. I have been doing this for months now with articles or posts that are good, strong reminders of what they are. The true freedom and joy that is emerging in my life comes from being free of him. That longing for something that is bad for you is addiction, fight it, win and reclaim your life. Peace. J

Peace. J

#6 Jan 17 - 4PM (Reply to #33)

fierflie

can you post a link to the

can you post a link to the article?

#7 Jan 17 - 12PM (Reply to #32)

Happy1

janet

I agree... excellent article and I will read this over again today. I am having hard days right now and I'm glad I'm not addicted to anything else in addition. THis is a hard hard addiction to break. I will keep strong today. Thanks J! Happy1

#8 Jan 17 - 3AM

Scotchy71

Happy1

Please remember...you don't miss him, you only miss the ILLUSION of the perfect man....it feels like you miss him because that's the normal human response, but it will only set you back if you contact him...you're doing really well and he seriously doesn't deserve your longing. I'm glad you came here instead of contacting him, who wants to go another round of fury, nastiness and projection???? Not worth it.....feel the pain and move through it, you will - keep going my friend, I'm so proud of you...you're a star and oh so strong...xxx He doesn't care for your feelings or mine (not your narc, mine), accept, know your worth and move forward little steps....x

#9 Jan 17 - 10AM (Reply to #30)

Happy1

Scotchy71

Yes, it's very hard for me to let go of the illusion I guess. But I've made it another day and will make it today. I will just stay close to this board today. I am off work and my son is home today. He's sick so we may be going to doctor too. It's a snowy yucky day and it fits my mood. Thank you for your kind words and support. I am very anxious to speak with my therapist tomorrow after work. I am hoping she gives me some direction on what I can do too. Thanks Scotchy! Happy1

#10 Jan 16 - 9PM

loveofmylife

happy

I left this on another post, but don't know if you saw it. I think you live in the bay area...if so...ask betty for my email - would love to hook up with you here and help!

#11 Jan 16 - 9PM (Reply to #26)

Happy1

loveofmylife

Thank you! I did put a message on the board and asked Betty to give you my email address. I will try to connect with her on her email maybe. I live an hour from Chicago but we can always chat! 8-) That would be nice! I appreciate it!! Thank you!! Happy1

#12 Jan 18 - 12AM (Reply to #27)

loveofmylife

happy

yes, let's chat. Bummer. for some reason I thought we lived near eachother and you really, really sounded like you could benefit from some girl time, happy hour, get it all out!!! But I suppose we could have a virtual drink by phone and still accomplish much of the same! contact me!

#13 Jan 18 - 10AM (Reply to #28)

Happy1

loveofmylife

Sounds good to me!! I will ask Betty again to give you my email address. 8-)

#14 Jan 16 - 2PM

gettinbetter

Ok Happy

How about this? How about you just say Im not gonna contact im today. Dont think about tommorow yet just think about today give yourself permission to contact him at some point in the future if you still feel like you need to but for just say Im not going to contact him for today.

#15 Jan 16 - 2PM (Reply to #22)

Happy1

sick of it

That does sound better in my head. It's hard to imagine forever without him right now. I will get through today with NC. I am having a bad time at letting go of the "need" I have for him. It's a true addiction I'm breaking. scary

#16 Jan 16 - 2PM (Reply to #23)

gettinbetter

yes Happy I understand but

yes Happy I understand but listen here's the deal and I know this for a fact the longer you are with him the deeper the addiction and it never goes away it will be with you for life. I was 15 years nc with the narc and I only saw him 3 times last year as he moved six hours aways but what Im telling you is the addiction is even worse than it was before. But for me telling myself I can never speak to him again just made me want to speak to him more. Same thing goes for me when I tell myself Im on a diet I want to eat more. Same with the intrusive thoughts. So for me its much easier to manage I just wont call today and then I tell myself if I still want to tommorow then I will and then I do the same thing the next day. It makes the craving for him a little less.

#17 Jan 16 - 2PM (Reply to #24)

Happy1

sick of it

I truly believe you that it gets worse each time. He's broken up with me many times and each time it felt so very real and then he would return. This time, he tried returning and I'm not going back. It's over and I think you are right. I definitely feel it's harder to tell myself "never again" rather than "not today". I am trying to not think ahead and think only of today. I thank you so much!! I really need it!

#18 Jan 16 - 8AM

Hunter

Dont do it ! MsV is Sooooooo

Dont do it ! MsV is Sooooooo right!

#19 Jan 16 - 8AM (Reply to #20)

Happy1

Idealk

I am really trying to cry this out. Everything reminds me of him. I'm having a hard day thinking bad things about him. I need my anger back.

#20 Jan 16 - 8AM

MsVulcan500

Happy,

You know the last thing you want to do is break NC right now. That's why you came here first. :) What you miss is an illusion. You miss the kind, caring part of him that is all fake, just an act to get you to respond how he wants you to. One of three things will happen if you contact him: 1. He will rage at you, saying nasty hurtful things and you will end up hurting even more. 2. He will be nice and it will make you miss him more, but you know it's not real and it won't last, and you will end up hurting even more. 3. He will ignore you and you will end up hurting even more. Your narc is one of the worst ones I have seen on this board. He does not deserve you! He has hurt you and your son so badly, and he will continue to do so as long as you let him. Don't put you and your son through this again. You want to be strong for your son. Do it for him if you don't feel strong enough to do it for yourself. There will be days like this. And you just need to be really strong and get through them. Remember all the hell you went through, and really think about what contacting him would accomplish. Nothing. But it would end up hurting you again for sure. Nothing good can come from contacting him.

#21 Jan 16 - 8AM (Reply to #2)

Happy1

MrsV

I appreciate it. You are right and I will keep going for my son at this point. For me, I almost just feel like giving into the pain and letting him have my soul. I don't feel I can get anyone else or feel I deserve anyone else maybe. I don't know. I'm very sad. I won't contact and no I can't die from pain. I will suffer through this day. Thank you MrsV

#22 Jan 16 - 3PM (Reply to #17)

Journey

Happy!

Keep going Happy, you can do it! You've had a hard road with your ex and what you are feeling now will not be how you feel in a day, a week, a month... etc. It is good you are seeing a therapist to help get you through this. You are an abuse survivor. You are a lot stronger than you realize because you are here. The steps you are taking right now may seem small, but they are HUGE! "I don't feel I can get anyone else or feel I deserve anyone else maybe." - Trust me when I say that you will and you do! I've seen your photo and you are beautiful! The brainwashing and abuse has just got you blinded to your own person right now. You are not a puppet and he is not your master. I'm sure he gets a big kick out of believing he is and he'll manipulate you into believing it for as long as you let him. Be glad you are taking all that control away from him. If nothing else, be glad of that. Every valley of sorrow we lie down in is just a place to rest awhile, to purge our pain and collect the strength to climb to the next summit where the view is clearer and we can breathe again. Hugs!! Journey on...

Journey on...

#23 Jan 16 - 4PM (Reply to #18)

Happy1

Journey

Thank you so much! I am feeling a little better now that I've been on the board talking to all of you and my son is home. He's the life of the house. He's what makes me smile. My exN has ruined so much and I don't want him to ruin my night with my son. I'm going to play some games with him and work on his reading before bedtime. My exN used to say "He wasn't my puppet" ALL THE TIME. It used to make me so made because truly it was me that was the puppet. I knew I was and didn't stop it. I did anything and everything he asked. I don't have to worry about him tonight and can just enjoy my son. Thank you! You're wonderful!! Happy1

#24 Jan 16 - 11AM (Reply to #7)

Disillusionedx2

Please

Bare with it Happy, I promise it will get better as time goes on, it may seem less painful to go back and give in but guess what? He's not having it, narcs hate weakness, despite the fact they are weak, you're mirroring his weakness back at him, and he won't even take your soul back, trust. Once the d/d begin, there's no turning back, you're as good as done. Who needs that type of misery? Go through it, you must, trust in the end it will be well worth it. Trying to ease your own pain by giving into him will hurt your son even further, I am praying for you, best wishes. stay~striving

stay~strong

#25 Jan 16 - 12PM (Reply to #8)

Happy1

Disillusionedx2

Bare with it today is right... OMG! This is crazy aching pain and right now it's just uncontrollable sobbing. I will hopefully feel better when my son gets home. I am so upset I'm crying over this narc and missing him. I will stay on the path for recovery. I do feel this is an addiction. He really has dictated my life for almost 3 years and I was a puppet on strings. Now I am feeling lost without the puppet master. Thank you for your support today. 8-)

#26 Jan 16 - 1PM (Reply to #9)

safyre99

Feeling the same thing today

Happy I'm feeling the same way you are today. An ache that just won't go away and uncontrollable sobbing. I miss my exN and I keep thinking about him and knowing he's with his new gf, and it hurts so much. We've been broken up almost 4 months and I'm going on almost 2 months NC so I thought I'd be feeling better at this point, but it's almost like I'm feeling worse. Maybe it's the longer the amount of time I don't see him the more I miss him. I want to call him but don't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing I miss him. And, how can I miss someone who treated me so badly? That's the million dollar question... but I can't help it, I miss him so much!

#27 Jan 16 - 2PM (Reply to #15)

Journey

Safyre

I can completely relate to your pain, mine was with a new girlfriend just as soon after (if not sooner). It hurts like hell to feel so discarded. You are only 4 months out of the relationship. The pain does not follow a straight line, there will often be 3 steps forward, two steps back. You are still in the early stages of recovery, so try not to be so hard on yourself for still caring. As you've read on this board, many of us still feel those kinds of days far past the 4 month mark. The key is to try not to endow your thoughts of him and ow with anything but what it really is. She is nothing but entertainment for him, another source of supply that will be treated like an object and eventually discarded. My exN discarded his new gf after 8 months. How many he's been with since then I can only guess and ultimately I am glad I don't know anymore. We all miss the love we thought was real, the lover we thought cared and the dreams we thought were becoming reality. Stay strong and don't let him know anything. He can give you no comfort that will last, but you will have one more conversation to remember and obsess about. Just not worth it. Journey on...

Journey on...

#28 Jan 16 - 3PM (Reply to #16)

safyre99

Journey

Thank you Journey for your post... i really liked your comment about it's better for my exN not to know anything and that it's one more conversation to obsess about. How true that is... I still go over and over in my mind the conversation we had the last time I saw him, the things he said and how he said them. It's so not worth being in touch with him again and to have to analyze and obsess about another conversation. It's exhausting! A friend of mine told me today that she feels bad for my exN's new gf. Even though I'm jealous that she's with him I also do feel bad for her since I know that eventually he'll treat her the same or at least similar to how he treated me. It's inevitable. I'm so glad I found this site and everyone here is so helpful and supportive! Hugs

#29 Jan 16 - 1PM (Reply to #10)

Happy1

safyre99

Hi! I hope you are having some better days these days. I hope each day doesn't feel this way for you. I know I'm going to see my therapist on Tuesday to get started on my recovery and what I need to do to feel better about myself and like "me" again. Are you seeing a therapist? We can cry on this day together and know that we are not alone. We have one another and all the wonderful support here. I know I would have contacted him had it not been for this site and all you wonderful ladies. I will keep posting and hope each day gets better. I will pray the same for you. I don't want to cry but it can't be helped today. We just need to feel the pain. I miss mine too and he was abusive as they come. We need to stay NC so we can start seeing what all these ladies have said we will start seeing by being NC. Sorry I'm not a bigger help. Happy1

#30 Jan 16 - 3PM (Reply to #11)

safyre99

Thank you Happy

Thank you Happy for your words. It does help to know I'm not alone, and I hope you have better days ahead too. That's good that you're seeing a therapist, and yes, I actually made an appointment to see a therapist too and I see her on wednesday. I agree we have to be strong about NC and that in the end it will be worth it. I'm trying to build back my self esteem and confidence and I know that by talking to my exN or seeing him again will just undo any type of progress I've made or will make. Thanks for being there for me and please know I'm here for you. Together we'll all get through this! Hugs

#31 Jan 16 - 4PM (Reply to #12)

Happy1

safyre99

yes, I plan to stay as close the board as possible during this time. I know how weak I am and I just keep reading as much as possible. My son is home now so I can enjoy him as well. I am going to appreciate our time together and the fact the N is not here to ruin that. I think it's great we are both going to the therapist this week. It will be good to hear how your session goes. Feel free to get my email from Betty. Thanks! Happy1

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