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Infinite sadness...

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#1 Jan 31 - 3PM
RubyWoo
RubyWoo's picture

Infinite sadness...

Today I went to the airport with my brother as he's off to Germany for a few days... I felt such sadness being there.

It reminded me of the first time I saw the N in person, how amazing my fairytale felt. I was the happiest I think I have ever been.

It reminded me of so many hours waiting for him, saying goodbye to him, even travelling with him. We went to so many places together, travelled so much.

I feel such incredible sadness that after all those amazing moments he ditched me. I saw the beautiful sunset from the window where I saw his plane land for the first time.

Such such sadness the tears are rolling down my cheeks as I write...

Jan 31 - 6PM
Isis
Isis's picture

I know how it feels

When I read your post, it made me cry a bit. I also have the same triggers about airports, planes, trains... We've been together in so, so many places, that I sometimes think that I can't be back to those places again. The other day, I've picked up some clothes he gave me, souvenirs from several places we've been together and got rid of them. The souvenirs went to the trash bin. Two dresses he gave me, I've put them inside a transparent plastic bag on the street, knowing someone would find it and take it. I couldn't wear them again. I couldn't open drawers and find souvenirs either. I've saved all our photos on CD's and put them inside a box, closed. I don't want to look at them for the next ten years. At the end, I'm pretty convinced we all survive. We have to.
Jan 31 - 3PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Awwwww... Sometimes it just

Awwwww... Sometimes it just amazes me the damage they truly cause..they leave us in a path of mass destruction... I remember the triggers.. I still get them but I just ignore them now.. Like NLB said that was not love at all.. UGH... Hunter
Jan 31 - 3PM (Reply to #8)
neverlookback
neverlookback's picture

Hunter

Cupid with an arrow in his back? ha ha ha now that is an imagine that will kill any love illusion - the arrow is supposed to be thru the heart not the back, and not a trace of blood either - You still make me laugh, shoot that arrow right through the little fraudulent cupid
Jan 31 - 3PM
midnight7
midnight7's picture

'reminded me of so many hours

'Reminded me of so many hours waiting for him, saying goodbye to him' I remember a lot of waiting/saying goodbye with the xN - none of it good it has to be said. After a small dose of remembering a fantasy that never was real in any way because he was pure evil and attempted to destroy you in all ways possible I hope those tears turned to tears of joy and a big celebratory whoop round the airport at least twice because you are N free and NC all the way.
Jan 31 - 3PM (Reply to #5)
RubyWoo
RubyWoo's picture

In our case it wasn't because

In our case it wasn't because he wanted to leave, but because he had to get all the paperwork in order to stay here. Seems almost surreal that after all the effort it took it all was thrown away. I am not at the happy state yet, I hope one day I'll be... :(
Jan 31 - 3PM (Reply to #6)
midnight7
midnight7's picture

Dear RubyWoo - you will be

Dear RubyWoo - you will be happy again. You'll get there - be strong. You put all the effort in to the relationship - Ns do little work, if any, after the initial charm offensive - we tend to make up the shortfall after this. As you keep reading, coming here, comparing experiences - you'll look back and not remember anything good at all. You have freedom now and much more life to come - it will be filled with healthy people and wonderful experiences.
Jan 31 - 3PM
neverlookback
neverlookback's picture

Ah, the "Illusion of love"

The illusion will slowly fade - Now and then I think back to what he once pretended to be for me and how I felt during that "cycle" but the tears are replaced with the entire picture of how they live their lives and the incredible damage they do; something that felt like that could have never been real and I know that now. After my own illusion died a part or me died with it but slowly I learned to understand that real love is not "euphoria" and real love is far from perfect.
Jan 31 - 3PM (Reply to #2)
RubyWoo
RubyWoo's picture

Thank you for your words of

Thank you for your words of encouragement, I hope I find the strength to let go. For some reason it seems harder now than it was a few weeks ago... I think PTSD is setting in, I had been strong but now I'm crying everyday...
Jan 31 - 7PM (Reply to #3)
saphire1
saphire1's picture

I can relate to what you are

I can relate to what you are saying. I still have those same feelings of sadness when I'm reminded of those intense euphoric feelings. I think of it all now and looking back it hurts to know it was never real. Now another woman is experiencing the same thing with him. Poor girl :)