"It was never you, it was him"

Sometimes the way we perceive things creates obstacles in our recovery. In light of today's one on one session with Goldie, I want to share with you some realizations which may seem so simple or self evident for some, but for me they are something new.

The notion that "it is critical to understand it was never you, it was him" was perceived by me as follows:

"He is problematic, dysfunctional, disordered, so he is the one to blame for all the pain and chaos in my life". I sensed something was off with the absoluteness of this perception but it had to be true, otherwise why am I in this situation?

or

If I was on a self-blaming mood, I would deny it was entirelly him and I thought I must have done something really really bad and unforgivable which caused his abusive behaviour.

So, it was either this or that. Thinking about it now, what I believe is closer to reality is this:

I didn't provoke his neglect or abuse. This is what he does and he did it to me as he had done it to women before me and will do to women after me. In those terms it was him and his inability to empathize and connect with another human being. I didn't see it coming, I was fooled and definately didn't ask for this. But...

After realizing recently he had never loved me I couldn't help but wondering why I put up with his behaviour. Ok, it wasn't exactly this level of realization while with him but I've always sensed he didn't truly care. So I kept trying and trying to please him. My willingness was translated as an invitation for more abuse and neglect by him which caused more pain and more confusion in me.

Of course I've never wanted to be mistreated, but my persistance in trying to make things right when the result was always pain, reflects an unhealthy pattern of my behaviour and false interpretations of love. So in that sense I allowed to be manipulated. Which again doesn't mean that his cruel behaviour is excused. It just means that had I showed more respect to myself, I would have saved me from some of the unnecessary drama.

I'm interested to hearing your thoughts on this. That's a new way of thinking for me and I would like to know if I'm in the right path or need to reflect on some other aspects as well. I'm still struggling with the fact that someone can get away with unacceptable behaviour but since certain people can't change, wouldn't it be better to start correcting our own boundaries to prevent abuse towards us?