It's been one year 4 days
It's been one year 4 days
since he D&D.
Am I healed? NOOOOOO
But I am no longer in excruciating emotional pain. I am not the woman I was before. In some ways I am better, however mostly just a shell of my former self.
Everything overwhelms me. I cry easily.... even cried today. BC I work in the mental health field I am triggered by my patient's weekly. I do evaluations of patient's who may/may not have brain damage. Unfortunately there's a population of them that are not truthful and their deception and often rudeness and narcissistic behavior is so triggering for me. It happended again today. I came home ... jumped in bed and cried.
This is not normal.
I thought at one year out I would be back to my happy go lucky self, dating... seeing all the beauty in life again. But no.
I recently started a benzo ---- definitely didn't want to take a med... but my nervous system is always on overdrive so I want to give it a break. Unfortunately the med makes me so sleepy. I am trying to play around with the dose so that I can be calm, however awake.
IDK if there are others out there like me who's a year or more out. Am I the only one still feeling like this. I'm not in pain... I'm just a mixture of apathy or extreme anxiety. Those seem to be my primary emotional states.
Could he have damaged me that badly?
I worked very hard (and long) for my degree and have been in the field for a while (about 10 yrs)..... however I am beginning to wonder if my job makes it such that I can't live the gentle life. Seeing narcs, antisocials, histrionics, and borderlines on a weekly basis (about 2/ week) is SO triggering for me...words just cannot explain it. Even though technically I am in the power position as 'doctor' -- they tend to test my boundaries and are either extremely superficially nice trying to manipulate me OR rude/ disrespectful and I have to become very stern and lay out my boundaries explicitly. That's tough when being a hard ass and confrontational is not part of your natural character.
I feel stuck again. In many ways I love my job........ however I am wondering if my job is what is currently tearing me apart exposing me to these extreme pathologicals weekly. (By the way the cognitive evaluations require that I spend 4 hour time spans with each patient individually one on one the whole time.... so, it's not like a 20 minute visit and they're gone). By the end of the day (like today) I feel exhausted, triggered, anxious and for some reason tearful.
Help.......... please please tell me that this gets better.