It's been a while...

since I have posted here, but I am here, just about everyday reading and gaining strength and wisdom from you all. My story is posted on the other thread.

This weekend is six months since I went no contact.. and 11 months since the D and D....wow, can't believe it's been almost a year since I have seen him. With the exception of me texting him once in December for my own sanity, I have not wavered and do not want to contact him. I am still processing and grieving but I am so much stronger and wiser. The early days were the WORST PAIN I have ever felt in my life. Somedays I didn't think I would survive. Because of growing up together, our bond was strong, stronger than I could have ever imagined. And I see now, that I made it so easy for him. He didn't have to prove anything to me, he didn't even have to try to earn my trust, b/c I just handed it to him. I made it so easy for him to take me for the ride. I never believed he would have ever done to me what he did, I was in strong denial fro a long time.

Such a hard part of this for me is having the bond from the past...I always wanted to preserve that friendship...now I don't care so much about it. What's done is done and he doesn't deserve my friendship, quite honestly. But now, as I suspected, there is going to be a reunion for our street at the end of june in atlanta at my old neighbors lakehouse...it's for a whole weekend. I really want to go so bad. The neighborhood people have been posting back and forth about this and everyone is super excited. Narc isn't friends with all the people out there. (I am not friends with him on fb, but I do not have him blocked. That causes me more stress to have him blocked and this set up has worked for me since October....I only see him if he comments on a mutual friend's page. He likes to do that at holiday times...but I have never replied back, not even once.
Well, I know he was watching b/c he ended up calling the guy who has the lakehouse in Atlanta immediately after I posted, saying he would be there. This really makes a part of me not want to go....I don't want to see him, but I want to see the 15 other kids I grew up with and their families...I am not making any decision right now as I have 4 months of healing left before then. That would be 15 months of total healing....I will make a decison closer to that time.

For now, I will keep feeling what I need to feel and facing what I need to face. I will grieve and recover and will be stronger and smarter. This weekend is one year since we saw each other the first time again and it was an amazing weekend. It was an epiphany weekend fro us both into our own grief and where we needed to go in our recovery and we gave each other the courage to face some serious shit in our lives. I will always be thankful for him for that weekend...he woke me up....he remembered me and he gave me the courage to go back and fight for myself. Never imagined this is where we would be 1 year later. I almost went back to the hotel this weekend..to release it and let it go...but no hotel rooms are available, I think I will take that as a sign that I don't need to be there to release this and let it go. I can do that from here.

Anyway, that is my update. Been quiet and reflective and getting my stuff done! I am in a good place and I know the rest of this will fall into place too, because I am no longer afraid of it.

That feels really good!