I've been cheating

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#1 Oct 3 - 2PM
dulcinea441
dulcinea441's picture

I've been cheating

Ever since I broke NC a few days back I have been cheating by sending him messages through different email accounts that I open and then close and can't get back into. I want to be able to tell him how I feel, but I don't want to know if he responds (I'm sure he does not, but I don't want to know that, either).

This is my one avenue of weakness. I got rid of all his other contact info, but I know his email address by heart and can't seem to refrain from firing off a letter, or even a poem, here and there.

Not only does it make me look like a psycho, even worse, it continues to give him supply and the sense that he still has a hold on me.

I know I need to stop, but there is so much I feel like telling him and just journaling to myself or writing it here doesn't always satisfy my need to get it all out.

I realize that it's an exercise in futility, trying to get through to him on some feeling, human level...but I just can't seem to let it go. I am still in love with him and the thought of it being completely over forever just destroys me.

Tell me I'm being pathetic and need to stop!

Oct 4 - 6AM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

You are welcome! You will

You are welcome! You will reclaim yourself, it just takes time and a lot of strength. Just don't expect to be strong all the time, because you won't be. It's finding a constructive outlet during the times that you aren't so strong that is key. You will get there. Don't deny your feelings in the name of being strong though............ Your doing fantastic!
Oct 3 - 10PM
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

You are not pathetic but...

If you feel the need to keep writing to him about your feeling (as I do) start the habit of writing the email and saving it. Then read it the next day and I bet you will not want to send it! i sent one crazy email after the hoover incident if June because these people make us go nuts! he did not replay and I am not ashamed , but I have so much pent up emotion from the years of abuse and then abandonment that I have alot to say. My emotions change day to day and I am so glad that I do not send out these emails! Try this method - it works! Last thing a Narc wants to hear about is our hurt feelings. Remember instead of feeling bad about how they treated us, they feel bad about their behavior reflecting negatively on their image. Mine only flipped out once in 12 years and it was when a woman tried to warn me about what kind of person he really is - only rage I ever saw - we were very thick back then and he definitely did not want me knowing the dirt - he said "people say alot things about me. i do not have any other GFs" - yeah right!
Oct 4 - 4AM (Reply to #30)
dulcinea441
dulcinea441's picture

Man -- you're so right.

Man -- you're so right. Impulse control is really key. Our emotions are so labile and apt to change from one minute to the next in the early stages of recovery -- this I clearly see. It's up to me to practice some self-control. I am worth being my own, powerful person and not someone else's slave!
Oct 3 - 8PM
Sunafterrain
Sunafterrain's picture

Dulci

No matter how many times you have to try, just keep trying. It is really, REALLY hard. But keep TRYING. This is a very difficult thing to wrap your mind around. You sound like a sensitive, very intelligent person though and in time, I know you'll see much more clearly as the fog lifts. Each day you go into your NC becomes a testament to yourself in how strong you are and how much you love and respect yourself, even if it doesn't feel like it right now. You'll get there. Keep going NC and hopefully, this time you can stay NC, but to do so means really hard work on your end. You can do this. :)
Oct 4 - 4AM (Reply to #28)
dulcinea441
dulcinea441's picture

Thank you, Sun. I really rely

Thank you, Sun. I really rely on your wisdom. As much of a basket-case as I may seem right now, your words are getting through to me in a profound way. I feel myself growing a little bit at a time, day by day.
Oct 3 - 7PM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Dulc, you have been a member

Dulc, you have been a member for 2 weeks. There is NO WAY that you are expected to be anything other than what you are right now. A new member, who is learning much about what has happened to her through her relationship with a narcissist. And who will learn much about herself through your healing process. I am very impressed with your postings and honestly, you are going to slip. Each and every one of us have. Some once, some multiple times. It's all good. Do not fret. Continue on your journey, read as much as you can, post as often as you care to, and ask as many questions you feel you want to ask. Never ever feel that a question is a bad one, whether it be about the disordered or your behavior/actions due to the disordered. And never be afraid to admit what you are doing or considering doing, for this is the only way you can learn. Tough love, in 2 weeks time, absolutely not. Tough love is for the relentless ones who refuse to see any truths afters weeks and months into their journey, who disregard themselves after several attempts at trying because they don't care or just don't get it. You get it, this I know...........it's all a learning process and it will take a lot of time and effort. Don't get discouraged, you will continue to make great strides. Continue with your attempt at NC and try really hard to work out a plan that keeps you from emailing him. Good luck! This too will pass! Trust me, been there, most of us have!
Oct 4 - 4AM (Reply to #26)
dulcinea441
dulcinea441's picture

Sparrow, thanks for your

Sparrow, thanks for your compassion. One of the things at which the narc was so adept was the way he undermined my sense that I am a complete being, possessed of my own strength. The more I understand his process, the more justifiably angry I become at the fact that I let him rob me of so much of my power. I'm so much focused on compassion for others that I forget that I have a right to be angry when I have been abused. If I can harness that anger in a productive (as opposed to destructive) way, I think it will serve me well on my road to reclaiming myself.
Oct 3 - 7PM
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture

You said..."Tell me I'm being

You said..."Tell me I'm being pathetic and need to stop!" You're pathetic and need to stop! ds Actually you're starting recovery and deserve to take care of yourself the way you deserve...stay here and tell the truth and you will get it all!
Oct 3 - 7PM (Reply to #23)
Trulybroken
Trulybroken's picture

Glad someone finally said it

Glad someone finally said it because I was just about to post the same It's all fine to coddle each other at times of weakness, but in this case, tough love is needed. I agree, you're being pathetic and need to stop this. It's gone past him abusing you, you're now abusing and not honoring your own self. Love yourself as much as you wanted him to love you
Oct 4 - 4AM (Reply to #24)
dulcinea441
dulcinea441's picture

Heh, Donesourcing and

Heh, Donesourcing and Trulybroken, thanks. As much as I love and am grateful for the tender and kind-hearted support I get here, I also need a proper kick in the ass from time to time!
Oct 3 - 3PM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Dulcinea.........don't fret.

Dulcinea.........don't fret. I use to do the same thing. I couldn't control myself and I would get more and more frustrated and angry at myself and embarrassed. What you are doing is common, and it feels good ONLY for the moment. Can I share a secret with you though? He doesn't look at you insane. He may hold it in his back pocket and use it against you later, by calling you insane. BUT, any attention, whether good or bad, is attention for them, supply. They don't care how it is delivered. In a package with a bow on it, or a garbage bag, it is merely supply, they don't care. And the words that you are writing.......they are reading them, but not digesting them. It's that simple. Oh, and sometimes, they don't even read them. Either way, your attempts are feeding him and upsetting you. It would be best to stop, not for him, but for your own well being and mental health. I use to get so frustrated and wish that I could forget his email address, taking his number out of my phone worked like a charm. I could not contact him at all, but that darn email address that I memorized..........that was my downfall. I wished and wished to forget it and than realized, that I was wishing for the easy way out. Nope, had to dig down deep and find the strength within me to withhold, refrain.......it was a tough one, a challenge. I decided that any time I wanted to shoot off an email, I would call a friend, take a brisk walk, anything to take me away from my computer. I discovered that I would email him mostly after a glass or 2 of wine. You know what I did for a while? You will laugh, but I was that desperate......I took my IPad to my friends and let it "sleep over" on nights that I was tempted. Sounds crazy, but hey, desperate times call for desperate measures. And I was that determined! :) Stay strong my friend, you are doing a fantastic job! Don't be too hard on yourself! This too, you will overcome!
Oct 4 - 4AM (Reply to #21)
dulcinea441
dulcinea441's picture

Oh god, I'm glad to know I'm

Oh god, I'm glad to know I'm not alone in this, Sparrow! Yeah, I too have had episodes of unplugging my laptop and actually giving it to a friend to keep in order to escape the "demons" that plague me in cyberspace. But that can only last for about a day, if that. You're right -- all that extreme "environmental control" is really just a crutch for the behaviors we have to learn to harness in ourselves. Until we do that, we have no real power; we remain stuck in the role of the easily-manipulated "victim."
Oct 3 - 6PM (Reply to #20)
Sunafterrain
Sunafterrain's picture

Sparrow

This is a great post!
Oct 3 - 3PM
dulcinea441
dulcinea441's picture

Thank you, everyone. You are

Thank you, everyone. You are all so right. I am still listening to that little voice in my heart that wants to believe that that he is human, that he can be reached, but I know this is just my sadness and longing talking. I will stop doing this and go full NC again, starting now. Your words of wisdom and support mean everything to me.
Oct 3 - 2PM
prettypeeved
prettypeeved's picture

Can you not just write these

Can you not just write these in a journal and not ever send them to him? It may enable you to go through this part of your healing (if that is what you want to do) whilst not giving him any ammunition to use on you in future.
Oct 4 - 4AM (Reply to #17)
dulcinea441
dulcinea441's picture

Peeved, I'm now starting to

Peeved, I'm now starting to do this in all earnestness. At first I didn't believe it would really work, but now, after a day of intense writing and processing, I'm beginning to realize how cathartic it truly is. I can get out my feelings in a healthy way without resorting to the unhealthy mechanisms that lead me back to being under his thumb. Thanks so much for your input, your kindness, and your support. xoxo
Oct 3 - 2PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Even if you tell him what you

Even if you tell him what you feel one last time, he has caused so much damage, one last time is never enough!! Ok I'll tell you a secret, I guess at least once a day I go Over in my head all the things I would love to tell him.. From him, to his mother, his friends, down to his dog!! Bottom line.. What good will it do?? Hunter
Oct 4 - 4AM (Reply to #15)
dulcinea441
dulcinea441's picture

You're right. It does

You're right. It does nothing. It all goes completely over his head. He is pathologically inclined to deflect all responsibility. He cannot even process the nuances of thought or mood that make up my attempts to communicate on a deeper level. It's all white noise to him!
Oct 3 - 2PM
Sunafterrain
Sunafterrain's picture

Dulci hon....

I understand just how ya feel, but can I share this with you? Can you try to change your perspective of contacting him, particularly since you know what he is? Let me see if I can help, okay? For over two months, my ex was keeping my emails and texts. I didn't know this. But I found out about it in a VERY VERY traumatic way. In court to save his ass so he could try to get his job back. Now that seems extreme, but try to picture his sharing those things you're sending with other women. Part of his pity play with others to lure other victims. He would be using YOUR FEELINGS to LURE another victim, as well as EXPLOITING everything you're putting in emails. Just imagine him sitting there doing that with another woman, because he surely will. They love saving these little "trophies" to show others. It fuels their grandiosity and entitlement. Please don't send anymore. Trust me that this will pass. He has exploited you enough already. Don't give him anymore to exploit you with. HUGS
Oct 4 - 4AM (Reply to #13)
dulcinea441
dulcinea441's picture

Thanks for saying this, Sun.

Thanks for saying this, Sun. Until now I hadn't considered the repercussions of sharing my thoughts with him. But you are right, of course -- everything they do in this life they do with the aim of serving their own selfish needs! I'm so glad you gave me this advice. I have to protect myself!
Oct 3 - 2PM
Layla
Layla's picture

He'll use this to "prove" how crazy you are to everyone!!!

You can't give these abusers once ounce of ammunition EVER!!! Just wonderful! He'll save these and show the next woman how "crazy" you were stalking him.....great way to justify why YOU TWO are no longer together! These PD's love stuff like this....stop it, you know better than this! The only person that can help you get off this roller coaster at this point is YOU. He has ZERO feelings and ZERO empathy....he's going to read those emails and isn't going to give a crap about your "feelings".....he can't relate to them anyway...... Is there a trusted friend or a sister you can role play with? You can tell a trusted person all the things you want to say to this azzclown, get it all out- other than that, you must journal it for yourself......you must. And please for the love of God, don't send this guy poems.....he'll be laughing his azz off at that....share your poems here, where you will have people that understand your hurt to lean on. love~ Layla
Oct 4 - 4AM (Reply to #11)
dulcinea441
dulcinea441's picture

You and Sun have hit the nail

You and Sun have hit the nail right on the head. It's easy to forget that these men are dangerous predators who think nothing of ruining our reputations if it serves them to do so. God, thanks for this wake-up call!
Oct 3 - 2PM
TNR1
TNR1's picture

You are not pathetic....not

You are not pathetic....not in the least bit and continuing to tell yourself that is buying into the crap that the N fed you. If these guys/girls were so easy to get over...we would not need boards like this one. You know you are giving him NS...but it sounds like you have decided that that is something that you must do (for now). I would just recommend continuing to observe yourself and noting what it is that you get out (or perceive you get out) of sending these messages to him. There is no right or wrong answer but it is part of understanding why you cannot completely let go. Healing comes from understanding that being human means we aren't perfect. Allow yourself to be human. :)
Oct 4 - 4AM (Reply to #9)
dulcinea441
dulcinea441's picture

Thanks, love. I needed to

Thanks, love. I needed to hear that it's okay for me to be human. My narc had me simultaneously believing that I was "not allowed to be human" if I was to be with him and, on the other hand, debasing me for the very humanity which he so despises! They brainwash us into thinking that it's bad (too ordinary and mundane) to be a lowly, "bi-pedal hominid." But, that is what is actually so beautiful and remarkable about us, when you think of it! Hugs xoxo
Oct 3 - 2PM
spinning
spinning's picture

dul, why do you want

to continue to hurt and torture yourself? What are you getting out of sending the emails? What is the payoff? More silence, torture and pain? Is that really what you want? What do you want? You say you have so much to say to him? What would that be exactly? Why do you think it would make any difference? And what difference would you hope for? What is it you think you are missing? Why is the thought of it being over forever destroying you more than your actions in sending him emails and giving him supply? I think if you are willing to answer these questions you might get some clarity and hopefully continue to process what you already know: Contact equals pain and confusion. You must detach and let go. Most sincerely, (not) spinning. I CHOOSE NOT TO. I CHOOSE MYSELF.

spinning

Oct 4 - 4AM (Reply to #7)
dulcinea441
dulcinea441's picture

Spinning, I think that I have

Spinning, I think that I have just been slow to give up on the hope that there is some tiny grain of humanity and compassion within him that can be reached. I acknowledge that I have deep issues with abandonment and that these issues drive me to seek out continued contact. But you are right -- he will only use this need in me to further torture me by his silence. It's all the same to him whether I call him out or profess my love -- none of it matters in any human or feeling sense. It's time to focus on all the people in my life who genuinely love and care about me, not this illusion of a soulmate that long ago vanished, never to return.
Oct 3 - 2PM
dulcinea441
dulcinea441's picture

Even worse, I will write him

Even worse, I will write him something like, "And with that, you shall never hear from me again! Goodbye!" And then the next day I write to him again. So it makes me look like I'm mentally deranged. I hate this.
Oct 3 - 3PM (Reply to #2)
Tigerlily
Tigerlily's picture

Sweetheart, you`re right to hate it!

Dulcinea, he has knocked you off balance, and you are still struggling to regain your balance. You have lost you, your center. Please read my post, Stuck in the loop. He is making you feel worse. He is robbing you of your self-esteem, that wonderful uniqueness that is you. And YOU are helping him. Why? Don`t you value yourself? You`re a wonderful writer, Dulcinea. I loved your poem to your Narc, but you know what? It was so damned good, I was too cowardly to write a comment, because I felt unworthy. Do you write professionally? Because if you don`t, you ought to. I bet you`re gorgeous-looking, too! Damnit, Dulcie, if you want to write, write to US - we appreciate your beauty and genius. That jerk doesn`t. What do you want with a blind old would-be knight on a donkey who wastes all his balls attacking windmills? Snap out of it girl, this is not you. Big kiss and a slap on the butt! Tigerlily
Oct 3 - 3PM (Reply to #3)
dulcinea441
dulcinea441's picture

Thank you, sweetie! I'm just

Thank you, sweetie! I'm just an amateur writer, but the narc has put my wordsmithing into overdrive. Probably the most productive thing I got out of the relationship with him is the fact that I can now spell the word "narcissist" (always had trouble with that one). I can type that puppy out in, like, two seconds flat.
Oct 3 - 4PM (Reply to #4)
Tigerlily
Tigerlily's picture

That`s the creative nature, Dulcie!

It`s the same with me! My creative urge (music AND writing) always took off when I had a bad relationship! And I was totally unproductive when I was happy! Oh shit, oh shit! Seriously, Dulcinea, you are a first class writer. I`ve published two books, I know what I`m talking about. You have a future in writing. Throw yourself into it heart and soul, milk that bastard of what little he gave you and never look back. Success is the best revenge! Love, Tigerlily