I've hit my rock bottom

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#1 Jul 6 - 6PM

Happy1

I've hit my rock bottom

Well it's happened and now I have to try so hard to stay NC forever.
My N left his Iphone in my car and sent me an email today saying he lost his iphone and if I see it in the car to let him know. Sure enough it was there and I looked at it. I found he has been on Match.com since the beginning of June. So beware any ladies out there on Match right now because the most evil scientist you ever want to meet is on there in the suburbs of Chicago. Anyway, a friend made me go so see my therapist. She had to call her and drag me there because I've been so beside myself all day crying and falling out of anguish and laying on the floor in tears. I went and she told me she isn't giving me any choices now because she knows i'm at a level of suicide and I have to go NC. I explained to her how I feel my legs and arms are literally getting cut off today. I don't feel I can do it but I know I have no choice now. I'm going somewhere else to stay tonight and I have to make an appt at a shelter for abused women so I can get more treatment. I have his iphone and she said the best thing to do with it is to donate to the shelter for abused women because they use these phones to give to women to call 911. It seems very fitting for me to do this since I fear returning it and talking to him again. I'm very scared and will need so much support and I'm so scared!!!! I can't stop crying and my heart is racing like crazy. I can't believe he is cheating on me once again! The pain is so intense. I need help. Thank you ladies.

#2 Jul 8 - 8AM

trying2overcome

Sad1

I am so sorry I didn't see this until today .. My computer crashed and I have no money for another so its only at work that I get to get on quickly. I am SO sorry for your pain .. as I was readin your post my heart began to race and I can LITERALLY feel your pain. We have all been there! Please hang on and know that, as much as it hurts right now, The relief and happiness will be equal in measure when you get thru it!!! Your heart will catch up to your head .. but until it does you have to listen to your head and NOT to your heart. Your heart will decieve you! And so will he once he figures out you are trying to move on so be aware and do not let him suck you back in. I am glad your friend made you go to counseling. Please continue. YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN HE WOULD EVER GIVE!! Prayer works also. I spent many nights on my knees by my bed, when I woke up just like you ... shaking and crying and feeling like I was coming apart at the seams. You WILL get thru this .. it will not be easy or quick but the other side is worth the fight you put up now. I truly wish I was in your area so we could get together. I had friends in my darkest moment .. but noone who understood what or why I was going thru this. I am glad that Lisa and helldweller and maybe some others are close enough to you that they can come hug you and hold you while you cry and knowing someone understands is healing and important. That is why we mean so much to each other here!! Take care of yourself and keep us posted. I will be praying with and for you and want to know that you are ok!! All my love!!! xxxooo

#3 Jul 8 - 9AM (Reply to #44)

Happy1

thank you trying2overcome! I

thank you trying2overcome! I have cried all morning but then I went and applied for a job online and that took some time took my mind elsewhere for a few minutes. I desperately want to find a job quickly so I can focus on something other than this horrid situation. My stomach is in so much pain and my heart is beating so fast. I don't feel normal anymore and i know I need to accept this pain so I can get stronger. I'm in such a low place and very thankful my son isn't here with me today. He's a great boy but wants my attention non stop and I cannot do it right now. I am a zombie and don't want to think of anything but what's happening right now. I cannot bear the thought of thinking a day ahead. I thank you for your support and will keep moving forward with NC. Thank you for your support!

#4 Jul 8 - 8AM

Happy1

So is this what an addict

So is this what an addict feels like when he's coming off something? I woke up crying and shaking and I can't believe I'm breathing. I can't catch my breath this morning because my crying has been so hard and my pain is so deep. I feel like someone died and hate it. I hate so much that he is happy to be rid of me. I'm gone and he's thrilled. I'm such a wreck I can't stand it. He doesn't deserve me being like this and yet I cannot help myself. I wish I could just forget as he doees and move on and live my life. I'm not having any happy or fond memories now nor any really bad one's. I just sit here and cry for losing the dream I had imagined for so long that I never will get. The only thing I think of when I think of him now is him on match.com for over a month while we are still dating and him justifying that on the phone just made it all the sweeter to let his go. I just feel so lost and alone and scared of what my future holds.

#5 Jul 8 - 8AM (Reply to #42)

Used

sad1

at the moment you are in withdrawel and cant imagine feeling any other way,i felt like you as all members did, but by bieng here [thanks to lisa]we are in recovery it does take time and the feeling of bieng used,is terrible[hence my board name] with darkness comes light and eventually you will see some light and how lucky to be away from this poor exscuse for a man, you must have no contact, not in anyway whatsoever, his ultimate goal is to break you, you mustnt let him and we wont let either,xx

#6 Jul 8 - 8AM (Reply to #35)

NinjaGirl

And a year from now

Maybe less, maybe more, you'll never believe you felt this way. But only if you're willing to continue on in the opposite direction of him and make some changes in your life. Do you know anything about progressive muscle relaxation? If not, please look it up and do it. That's just to start. Then I really think you should write a letter to him expressing everything you're feeling. Only DON'T send it to him. Keep it for yourself, post it here, whatever. Third, do you have any kind of religious or spiritual advisor? I don't know if you believe in God, or go to church or something, but if you aren't opposed to the idea, you could go to any church and ask to speak to any pastor. I'm not a church-goer myself, but I do pray and I do speak with God. Is there anything nice you can do for yourself today? I understand money might be an issue, but perhaps a massage?

#7 Jul 8 - 8AM (Reply to #36)

Happy1

Thanks Ninjagirl, I will do

Thanks Ninjagirl, I will do anything to see if I can stop this gut wrenching pain. I will look up the muscle exercises to see if that relaxes me. Money is very tight with me right now and the N owes me 200.00 on top of it that will hurt me this month for sure. Here I am on unemployment and no job and he is a scientist borrowing money from me and I allow it. He just did this over the past 2 weeks. I'm sick to my stomach. I used to go to church before I met my N but I haven't been in 2 years but I've just started praying again and I do believe in God. I will continue to keep the faith. I will try to get up off the couch today just to show myself that he can't get me down all day and everyday. He's so undeserving of my grieving.

#8 Jul 8 - 8AM (Reply to #41)

NinjaGirl

Wait a minute

Do you still have his phone?

#9 Jul 8 - 8AM (Reply to #37)

NinjaGirl

Yes!!

You are right in everything you said! Don't forget that God has never stopped loving you. Allow yourself to open your mind to the fact that you have a purpose in this life, and it just may not have jerkboy in it. For me, it was hard to believe that things were ending when my ex dumped me for the SIXTH time (grrr), and I cried, and I felt like God had abandoned me because I was in so much pain and felt like it was all so unfair. And now I realize it was truly a blessing in disguise, because my ex was stunting my progress. I didn't do anything for myself anymore. I wasn't living my life fully anymore. And now I'm very thankful for the series of events that led me to this place, even though I still have down times, and I still have times when I miss him, and I still wonder if I could have changed things. But then I realize that those thoughts are temporary, and I go back to focusing on what will make NinjaGirl truly happy. ;)

#10 Jul 8 - 8AM (Reply to #38)

Happy1

I think that's awesome

I think that's awesome NinjaGirl and you are truly an inspiration. I really can't wait to get to where you are now. You are strong and confident and I'm looking forward to that day again. I am doing my best to not allow any nice thoughts of my N in my head but really it's easy right now because he's been nothing but a jackass to me for months now. Nothing nice to say and nothing loving. He's a complete jerk and I pitty his next victim. He's sick man and I'm not. I will keep the faith and I need to accept this was a lesson in life for me. I was too innocent and didn't know a lot when I got married. When my husband told me he was gay after 11 years of marriage I took that as a lesson in life and now that I have had this sick, disgusting, pathetic individual poison me for 2 years, I know this is a lesson in life to make me stronger again. I just have to get over this beginning stage. I guess this is like coming of alcohol like an alcoholic does. This isn't an easy thing to do but it's something that has to be done. I won't let this bastard take me to his sick mind again.

#11 Jul 8 - 8AM (Reply to #39)

NinjaGirl

You're right

And you have a lot of people who love and care for you, including on this board. I think there's ALWAYS someone here who's able to talk to you if you need to.

#12 Jul 8 - 8AM (Reply to #40)

Happy1

Thank you! I'm so glad I

Thank you! I'm so glad I have all of you on this board. I think I would have begged him already if I hadn't had you guys. I have no desire to speak to him and will remain NC. I see clearly what he has done and there's no excuse he can make up for it to be okay yet again. nothing.

#13 Jul 8 - 6AM

Qing Yuan

Oh Sad1 I am so in touch

Oh Sad1 I am so in touch with your pain. I cant tell you how many times I have felt that level of pain and anxiety, I have felt next to useless and and having children to care for makes it harder too. becasue you are not just trying to pull yourself out of the mire but your childnre need you too. I have to work today and I cant stay here long now, but its true, when you strart to get stronger and we all will, you will see what that looser took from you and then no-one will ever be able to take it away from you again. You are better than this and in time the trauma will cease to be deeply wedged inside your whole being like it is now. It will feel easier. I am sure of this. I think that we are all capable of loving relationships when we are ready for it and it will come when it is that we have given ourselvres forgivness and kindness that we would expect for others. Dont beat yourself up for his lack. He is the one who cannt give and your will open to give again yourself oneday, to someone who is worth your giving...and whom will count your worth in no terms but pure unconditional love. I believe that.. Again time is the healer in this I suppose...x x

#14 Jul 7 - 8PM

Happy1

I'm having a very hard night

#15 Jul 7 - 8PM (Reply to #25)

NinjaGirl

I know, it is hard

The harder it is, the greater the reward, I think. Now tell me, what did you do for yourself tonight? What plans do you have in place to try and have some fun, get some exercise, challenge your brain, achieve your dreams, etc.? I'll be around for a bit.

#16 Jul 7 - 8PM (Reply to #26)

Happy1

I'm at a friends house so

I'm at a friends house so I'm not alone. My son is with his dad until Saturday. I'm so emotional and am doing everything I can to block any thoughts of him out of my head. My emotions are so strong and my crying is non stop. I feel so bad because he feels nothing and I'm sure is at a bar living it up tonight. I hate him!

#17 Jul 8 - 5AM (Reply to #32)

awayfromhim

It was impossible for me to

It was impossible for me to block thoughts of him out of my head. Absolutely impossible. So, I had to just roll with it, talk about it, and in time it's gotten so much better. I had to grieve, had to let my brain do whatever it had to do, in order to begin healing. He feels nothing because he's an N. That simple. It has nothing to do with you. If he's living it up at the bar, so be it. It's all an act anyway as Ns cannot be truly happy. I had to learn there is nothing I can do to change the past, there was nothing I could do to have made the relationship work, and there is nothing I can do about how he chooses to live his life. I have, however, had many thoughts of wishing him getting run over by a bus or falling off a cliff, or getting food poisoning, etc. But in the big picture, you can only control how you want to live your life now that you are fortunate enough to have the bastard out of it. Go ahead and hate him for awhile. He deserves it. Then, at some point you will turn a corner and will see that you are moving on. Hang in there.

#18 Jul 7 - 8PM (Reply to #27)

NinjaGirl

Who cares what he's thinking about?

If he can't feel remorse, he can't feel true happiness, either. He'll never know true joy the way you will. I'm glad you're not alone. And there's nothing wrong with crying. Crying is very therapeutic and very healing. And I think that if you reflect about why you're crying, it can be strengthening. We cry for many reasons - sorrow, happiness, anger, gratitude. You do know that you are loved and cared about, right? All you need to do is make it through today. And then tomorrow you just have to focus on tomorrow. It won't be linear, and it won't feel like you're making much progress, but I PROMISE it will get better. Please trust me on that. I'm thinking about you, and praying for your strength and comfort.

#19 Jul 7 - 8PM (Reply to #28)

Happy1

Thank you so much Ninagirl.

Thank you so much Ninagirl. I'm trying so hard to take moment to moment and not think of this weekend or any weekend following. I know I will lose it if I don't. I know my son loves me and he's why I'm still here and living. I have never been so depressed and low in my life. I want to find a job fast but unfortunately if you don't know someone then you can't get in anywhere. I'm on every job searching site available and not getting a call. I know this would help so I will keep trying. I just need to get over this crying spell. God this is hard! thanks Ninjagirl

#20 Jul 7 - 9PM (Reply to #29)

NinjaGirl

For now

Cry, eat healthy, exercise, even if it's just for 20 minutes a day, and look for jobs. You WILL find one. No matter how hard things may seem, remember that you have a son who loves and needs you, and that you have a purpose on this earth. You may not know what it is yet, but I promise you that you do have one, and you are very, very important. Don't spend too much time staring at the old, worn, comfortable, closed door. There are doors just waiting to open for you, or ones that already have, and you just haven't seen them yet.

#21 Jul 7 - 9PM (Reply to #30)

Happy1

Thank you Ninjagirl. I will

Thank you Ninjagirl. I will try to push myself to open more doors. Right now I just can't think of anything. So depressed and sad.

#22 Jul 8 - 7AM (Reply to #31)

NinjaGirl

Honey

Don't worry - the doors will open themselves. You just have to be willing to see them and walk through them.

#23 Jul 7 - 10AM

helldweller

sad1

If it would help I could meet you somewhere. I have court tomorrow for an old lawsuit but I think my ex husband will go for me and we could have breakfast or lunch or something. I will probably be crying the whole time, too, but . .

#24 Jul 7 - 10AM

helldweller

sad1

I'm sorry I just saw this. Write me if you want to off board. I'm not sure how we can covertly exchange emails or phone numbers. Do you?

#25 Jul 7 - 12PM (Reply to #22)

Happy1

helldweller

I will ask Lisa for your email offline. I appreciate your help. we can cry and share together. thanks!

#26 Jul 7 - 4AM

Happy1

Thank you all for your

Thank you all for your support. I don't know what I would have done had I not found this message board. You are all wonderful women and I can't thank you enough. I'm sitting here wondering how I can do this but I know I don't want to be with this cheating narc any longer. He can go about his wonderful life without me. I never knew I could cry so much though and I fear for my son seeing me cry all the time. I'm trying to hide it but how do I do this when I'm crying non stop. He is with his dad tomorrow and then I have him the remainder of the week. I'm scared because I know what a deep depression I'm in and won't be able to function. I cannot believe what a heartless soul my N is. Why did this have to happen? Didn't I get enough surprises when my ex told me he was gay? Why do I feel like nothing gets better in life. I'm trying not to get to deep so I have to go to the hospital but I'm afraid of how depressed I am already and he doesn't even know I know he's cheating on me or I'm NC yet. I'm scared.

#27 Jul 7 - 10AM (Reply to #20)

betty2020

Although you feel paralyzed

Although you feel paralyzed and panicked you can still take the right actions and you must. Your inner conflicts between your gut and your heart are keeping you in this state Sad. You know in your gut what you have to do. You know all the right actions you must take. Your heart is keeping you fear stricken. You have to go with the gut now. Its the only way to a better life and future for you and your son. Can he pick up and drop off the son from your mothers. I think you need a complete NC break for a bit to gather your emotions a bit. How is Mom at helping you with dealing with him? Please honey contact me so we can exchange info. I am very worried about you. xoxoxo

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#28 Jul 7 - 4AM (Reply to #16)

Steph

It's scary to make a bold

It's scary to make a bold move. It's a change and change isn't always easy, even though it's necessary. What you are feeling has been experienced by each of us on the board. The gutwrenching sadness is overwhelming. But I promise you, it does get better the longer you are absolute no contact. Do you have follow up appointments with your therapist? Are you on, or would you consider antidepressants - even short term? Crying is ok. You must feel the pain. It's cleansing. If your son sees you cry, that's ok. Seeing you cry won't damage him but keeping that asshole N around will. Don't think far ahead - it'll just cause more anxiety and fear. Try and just take things hour by hour for now. Again, you will get through this. We're here for you:) xoxo

#29 Jul 7 - 4AM (Reply to #17)

Happy1

Thank you! I see my

Thank you! I see my therapist again next Tuesday and I'm on antidepressants so I'm glad because I can't imagine what I would be like if I weren't. I feel like everything is over for me and I don't know what to do. I'm trying to not think of weekends again without my N. The weekends will be the worst for me and I have to try to focus on not thinking of him. THis is so hard. I want to be angry with him for dating behind my back again but I'm only sad.

#30 Jul 7 - 4AM (Reply to #18)

Steph

slow down your thoughts. one

slow down your thoughts. one thing at a time. Don't think about the weekend until the weekend comes. When you start worrying about the weekend, force yourself back to the present moment. Might sound silly, but it works. Remember, hour by hour, then day by day. i'm glad you have more therapy booked and are on antidepressants:) you are going to think about him alot for quite awhile. that's to be expected. i don't want you to place unrealistic expectations on yourself. the sadness will start to lessen, the anger will likely take over. and you can alternate between these emotions for awhile too. It's normal. Tomorrow, try and make yourself eat something healthy and drinks lots of water. Go for a walk - even a short one. Keeping physically healthy helps tremendoulsy - having said that I have to admit that I wasn't eating or exercising for the first few months, and I think it did make my depression and anxiety worse. Anyways, I feel for you. Just know that we understand you and you are not alone:) hugs

#31 Jul 7 - 4AM (Reply to #19)

Steph

also, i don't know what your

also, i don't know what your thoughts are on Kaleah LaRoche.....but she has a free ebook called 7 steps to freedom from a narcissist. I personally found it very helpful and it gives you something to read. Just a suggestion:)

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