jo brit's story

jo brit where did it all go wrong

Firstly please forgive this will be a long one. I found this site over 3 months ago and a lot of what I read seemed to resonate with my situation.I am not sure if ex husband was a narc but I fear he probably is and that is why 4 yes 4 years down the line from his departure I am still wondering what the hell happened and still seems to be in my head. I feel scared that I will never get over this and people I know are so fed up with me saying I need to move on and that I will end up bitter which is not what I want so I guess I could use some help, I have been on Anti D's off them now for 12 months and I am seeing a therapist although I am unsurehow much help this is as it's been for 2 years. I feel lost, confused, sad and angry.

OK let's start I met my ex husband 14 years ago he was 23 I was 29, my dad was dying although he never met him amd we started going out a coulpe of months after he died, my parents ahd seperated and I am an only child. I was very mixed up on reflection and I think he probably picked up on this. We had many fallouts during our courtship he lived with his parents 20 miles away and I had my own house which is now long gone thanks to him.

There were times he would storm off no explanation just get in the car and go silences etc, any way I persevered and then decided to end it he was ringing constantly hounding my friends and even had his mum ringing. I stayed strong and kept away in the end I caved and he asked me to marry him I initally said no. I must say here I did push him away a lot at the beginning I had been sexually abused as a child I did tell him and he seemed to respond in a kind caring way a child and other relationships had not gone well, so you couls say I had issues again I think he probably picked up on this. I later found out that he had read all my diaries about this, this will mean something later as I have a problem with porn and he knew this.

He did move in for a while but always seemed to end up going home, which is where he is at 41 with his parents who he professes he can't stand especially his mum, there where issues there as well mum used to hit him dad did nothing. He has lived there since he left in 2008. He was also in debt to his dad when we met when I am writing this I can see so many things that should have had me running fot the hills.
I consider myself to be intelligent and confident do why did I not see all this. I was truly blinded.In retrospect I wonder if at almost 30 I felt that because he knew about the abuse and he still stayed in some way did I feel grateful and think noone else would want me.

Anyway he asked me to marry him again and I said yes I can still hear my mum on the phone now when I told her please tell me you f...ing joking. That really sid it all.

So we got married the happiest day of my life apart from the birth of our daughter and I left my friend and family to start a new life, hewould never have moved to my home town.

We were happy at first, then we had sex one night without protection and the day after he wanted me to go docs ang get morning after pill I did but it didn't work. I remember doing 4 tests went to work and was panicking all day how i would tell him, him his reaction tell me your f...ing joking.

Had a rough preg thought she was downs his reaction I can't have a child like that. i ended up having 2 amnios the first didn't work really ill after what did he do went to football as he always did that has always and the gym and himselfbeen his No1 priority, never us. But I was an independent woman and mamnaged fine we never lived in each others pockets.

The rows continued slamming doors, kicking a door once of it's hinges and the silences. One night whilst I was preganat we were still having sex I came downsatirs he had been out always did after football saturdays to find him in the sofa w...ing himself off to telev X to which he had susscribed I know this was my issue from the abuse but he knew I hated it I was so upset his what's ur problem, little did I know then how much worse this problem was going to get.

We moved house and sold mine he was in the money Iand I was getting £3o a week spending money I earned around £2k a month we should have been in clover by the time he left there was nothing.

Around this time he joined an exclusive gym so coupled with that and football we never saw him we were bottom of the pile, he was never at home, then he started running and we all ahd to turn out and support him prior to him leaving he was upset as I would not attend a amrathon with him we had gone toe previous year and he had been saying money was tight well that wounded hie ego he even said that me not going was the last straw in our marriage.

During our time I had 3 miscarriages and hw went on to have a vasectomy which I did not want him to have. All the time of our marraige his mother was a constant feature if he wanted to go to the gym after work he would ringn his mum and she hould have our child, I am a nurse and worked shifts and Iworked plenty as we were always short on cash according to him I am ashamed yto say I ran everything housewise, little by little he stopped helping on the house whilst i was at work his mum was at our house all day cleaning etc, which i thought was wrong but i was working so hard i never ahd any time and he did not help and he controlled the money. I had no cash card and no access to bank accounts he always seemed to have monet for football etc when i did question him it was always you wou
nd me what do you think I am doing trying to rip you off hell yes. He evn made me cut my credit card up i can see myself now stood in the kitchen crying saying I was soory he said i don't know what else to do with you.

The sex varied really i call it sex cos that's what it was he unbeknown to me carried on with the porn.Whenever we had sex it was only ever once and he would always turn over said it was nothing personal I was often left wanting more and then i began to notice he was becoming more diverse only got turned on in fantasy I van now see the madoona whore complex quite clearly and eventually he began to withdraw more so after i had a hysterectomy he used to say we were living like brother and sister and when i was affectionate he wud say i can't just switch it on and swithch it off.

I was unwell after my hyster and went to my mums for a while god did I know about that I was treat like shit enen thought I had left him had his mum ringing to have a go really nasty.

I will fast forward now to 2008 again I'm sorry this is so long.It was Easter Saturday I had been working picked him and our daughter and his mate up from the pub he was really snappy hif mate even commemted. 3 hourslater i get a call saying he wanted 2 come home we needed to talk he shouted at daughter he was legless, He sais sorry for what I'm going to do I said your leaving me aren't you don't know what ever made me say it and he said yes his response You have dragged me down with ur miscarriages and hysterectomy I wads speechless he would not say another word.

The ady after I asked him if he wanted this and he replied yes he said I don't know what is wrong but we haven't been getting on news to me he said I don't love you haven't for years on paper you are the perfect wife I have everything I have ever wanted abd I's still not happy. All of this was said with no feeling at all I think my lack of emotion vcame from a state of shock.

3 days later he was stllthere his mum and dad would not take him in so he then decided he had mada a mistake I didn't know how I felt I thought it would be best for hom to go and sort his head out. He went ballistic saying I was f...ing with his head never seen him so agry grabbed by the throat in front of daughter really scay he was sweating and pale, then he left.

To say i was stunned was an understatement, then came the finding out of what I had been married to I had no idea and It was truly shocking.

I discovered over the next few weeks that he had a seroius porn addiction our comp was full of truly disgusing porn right down to teens and simulated rape sites, he had been on porn for the 3 nights all night after he told me he was going a pop up I didn't know what they were then had come up while our daughter wasonline no protection on it, There was faceparty not book escorts 900,000 images men included, massage parlours, dating sites, web cams I was physically sick he knew how much I hated all of this I don't know how he found time to go to work, he had come in the house one ady and deleted allthis but a friend of mine found it, we were trying too track money, his response to this it wasn't me.
I then find out about the other women again that wasn't me they are psycho bitches which his how he descired me to his last OW.
I found out he had been txting women at the gym 40 50 times a day and had sent flowers on vals day no that wasn't him I was like a maniac went to flower shop twice.
Then i discover he has been visiting prostitues no that was not him I rang as a joke I was drunk oh yeah were you drunk on Friday eve at 8 oclock when you rang me cos you were at the gym.
Then came the money we had none only 6 months prior to him leaving we moved to a 3 bed detached his dream anh he left. It took me 6 weeks to track money or lack of it we had gotten 12k part ex on old house couldn't find any trace of it clearly went in bank him no it didn't. I felt like I was giong mad he denied everything. How can you sort it out when you get no truth.
The woman from the gym nothing going but well who wouldn't want to s..g that I look at you and I can't fucking stand you you used to have balls you're nothing. I can remerber standing there shaking I thought who is this man.

I tred to talk to his family but they believed hinm and said they didn't want to get involved and to this day they have never once rang and asked if I am ok no contact.

In the summer after he left we had a holiday booked and he said don't worry thus is not your fault I will give you spending money 4 days prior to going doesn't know what i am talking about says don't woory all the lads on hoiliday will buy yor meals there was a big group of us going. We come back and 3 weeks later he books a holiday for him and our daughter, I was stunned.All the timw we were away he kept txting he had been to therary and If I gave him the nod he wud be on next flight I said why you don't love me anymore didn't say a wors.
I had the same when i filed for divorce kept txting are you sure tou want this constant pressure.

I ended up selling house 26k in debt plus a 12k solicitors bill, living in rented working every hour god sends no money and him at his mums still 4 years on still going to the gym, football, out every weekend his life is still the sameand mine has changed beyond all recogniotion.

Our paths do not cross much he won't even go to parents eve with me I wanted to yrt and stay civil for daughters sake if I go 2 a party and he is there he will speak to daughter and complletely ignore me.
We also bought my mums house and I discoverd after he left he had borrowed 20k extra on it he used to ask me to sgn thingsand like a fool I did she nearly lost her home, he also tookm a joint loan out The solicitor could not find any trace of the money in the 6 months before he left 40k was unaccounted for and I have no idea where it went.

My soloicitor had sllepless night about me and could not get to grips with my ex at all. The one thing he said was that he had never come across any body like him he shows no remorse. I have never seen him cry.

I think I have mamnaged well bit there have been times i don't mind telling you I have been suicidal anf have felt like I am loosing the plot. I don't know this man at all it continues at times to be a sruggle. I hav told his mum he lead a double life and shw went intpo a tailspin and asked ifhe was in trouble with the ploice anh had he sexually assaulted someone which I found bizarre.

I think I was hoovered last year and I think that is why I am having a struggle now and my daughter has decided since last august she does not want to see her dad he has not tried once to come to the door and see her but has found time to get a new woman.

It was in Feb last year that a friend or not told me he had a GF introduced her in local pub, she sard sghe told me cos she thought I would be mad cos he took me to CSA and dropped child mait payments. As i am writing this I question why she did tell me.

I was really upset at the time and i could not for the life in me understandv why but she became an obsession I would drive past it rocked me to the core I had never since he left thought about him witjh another woman yet all the prior evidence was there. It dod finish but he got in contact with me when things weren'g going well and I saw glimpses of the man I fell in love with. I don'yt know why I felt like I did. Thatb has ended and now he has a new one who he got together with whilst still with the other I only know that she is the Ex wife of one og his close friends and they no longer speak. It has upset my daughter as she knows the kids doesn't see them.

I don't know how i feel about this one not as strong as the first the first was awful Ikept thinking ofb them together and it nearly killed me i kept thinking that should be me. I really don't know why him being with OW upsets me so muvh I hate feeling this way. I suppose i wonder if he is doing the same things with her he did with me.

Sorry again for the lenhth ofbthis I think I just want to feel normal again I know I will never get closure from him I just want to live a life where I don't feel obsessed it's awful and I want it to stop. Prior to the other women I never felt likr driving past his mums 2 see if his van there so don't know why I do know please if anyone can help I need it I feel some days as if I am sinking into oblivion whilst he seems to have it all.I think i feel jealous but I should not as I have our daughter and a home be it rented and debts but i still don't feel happy I feel lost and don't know who i am.