kamin's story

I come from an culture were parents choose the bride/groom. However, after living for years in the States, I chose to find my own mate. I knew this man for the last 1.5 yrs thru common friends. Distance was definitely an issue as we were living on 2 different coasts. After a couple of meetings, I got to know of his past and also of his having paranoia (he thought someone was out there to get him). He was on medication for the same. I encouraged him to find a good psychiatrist. I thought everything was going good though at times I did feel that I was the one who was more involved than him. We were very much a couple who were drawn towards each other.

I made a couple of trips to his place and he spent a couple of days at my place. All was fine till one weekend, I called him a few times as I was not able to reach him. And he picked up the phone and said in a cool and composed manner that he was traveling and that he would have called me the next day..

But the next day arrived and all hell broke loose. He went on a rage over the phone saying that I was trying to be selfish, that I was full of negativity, that I was doing things to please him, that I was sounding hysterical in the VM that I had left him and that "be considerate! I need to spend time with my parents too", "You sounded hysterical like I am seeing someone else" etc.etc., Quite a few of our conversations involved things about my losing weight. He had asked me to lose weight and I said that I was trying but he thought that I was trying to please him by saying so..

Anyways, things did calm down after that and I paid another visit to his town. I spent 3 days there and things seemed fine. He would take me in a warm embrace which made me feel wanted and and loved and I did see a bright light at the end of the tunnel... I thought he would pop the question to me this time as I had gotten to meet the parents. Little did I know that the light at the end of the tunnel was the light from the oncoming train. I asked him during that trip if he missed me any bit when I went back and he kept quiet. So my eyes teared up. Now, he tried to pacify me but I just denied and said its ok. I also said to him that I needed to watch out for myself.

No sooner had I said that, he retreated into his shell and didnt speak a word to me for all of next day. The tension was very obvious. I tried to make peace by patting/rubbing him on the back but all I got was a cold response. My trip ended there; when I asked him what next, he said that he would come down to my place for a long weekend that was coming up shortly and I got back to my home and resumed work.

Again, after I got back, I called and he went on a rage once again, saying, "What the crap did I talk the previous night. ?" etc etc. No amount of explanation would make him see sense. We kept chatting/calling for the next few days. We also made plans of meeting up again at my place a few weeks from then.

Then, a few days from then, I saw that this person would make himself unavailable on the phone and on the internet chat. I left it at that not knowing what was happening. I was very upset. A few days later, I got to know that he was engaged to some other gal after meeting her a couple of times thru some internet dating site. I was shocked beyond words. I still am trying to heal. Even during the last meeting, we were very much a couple. I am so dumb-founded that someone told me lies all along like he were totally into me and then finally dumped and devalued me like a worthless piece of object.

I am working hard on letting go. Do you think this man is a sociopathic naricissist as he seem to be having all the traits. He is not going thru therapy to the best of my knowledge but is on some medication for his illness. I am not able to understand if it is illness that caused him to behave so or if he was using his illness as a excuse to do whatever seemed right to him or if he found someone so attractive that he moved on to a greener pasture.

Was he trying to project his insecurities on to me ? He was verbally abusive once (called me FATSO) for which he apologized. I think a lot of what happened was emotional abuse. I am questioning my own judgment call here. I trusted this person to the extent where when someone warned me about this guy, I said that I will only go by how I interact with him and his past is totally irrelevant to me.

In all of this, where did I go wrong ? Was loving and caring and being concerned for someone incorrect ? Betrayal of trust is a bitter pill to swallow.