Learning to move out of victim mode....

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#1 Sep 30 - 8PM

Sunafterrain

Learning to move out of victim mode....

In a few days, I will celebrate ten months out.

I'm feeling stuck and talked about it today with one of my daughter's (adult) and her bf. We are all very close as a family, so this isn't unusual with my adult daughters...

Anyway, while talking, I realized that for my entire life, I've been the victim. I played this role quite well. I see patterns in my life where this is so. The underlying emotion that went with this was/is FEAR! this is partially why my ruminating is very strong at times. Why I feel like I miss him or am tempted to contact (I actually felt that very strongly today and it concerned me, thus the conversation with my daughter and her bf, had not felt that since the early days).

I feel intense loneliness. INTENSE. I feel "out there" like just hanging there. I'm making decisions about my life, I'm back in school, and have made some drastic but necessary changes to get the drama out of my life. ALL of it. But I feel so LOST without it. Drama=distraction. I don't want the drama and now that I don't have it, I feel EMPTY. This is NOT how I want to feel. I'm sick of dysfunction. I've been a stay at home Mom for 28 years. I've not worked in years and years. I'm SO SCARED to step out there when I graduate. It seems easier to hang onto victim mode, than it is to overcome this incredibly intense overwhelming fear. I have to deal with my life now and myself and I have no idea what i'm doing or how to fix what I need to fix with my life. What road to take. I feel like I'm just HANGING out there. When I went to my first class, I was so happy to be there. I left and had all these dreams in my mind about what I want to do, where I would like to head off too...then WHAM! Thoughts of failure seep in and I'm back to victim mode. I HATE this. I want to cross the threshhold to freedom to where I just take off and soar, soar soar! I'm so sick of feeling so uncertain about my future and not really knowing if this is even what I WANT to be doing.

I'm rambling today. I feel like I should be so much further along in my progress than this. It feels very slow, like I'm doing nothing. I'm trying to break some very bad habits that have not helped me and one of them is procrastination or walking away from something to where I could be potentially successful. one of the things my P father told me over and over was "You will always fail, you will never finish what you started, stay committed to anything"....that has stayed with me most of my life. He said it over and over and sabotaged, emotionally, any efforts I made as trivial. As did my ex. I want so much to get beyond this. Will it ever happen? I feel like I'm learning how to think in healthy ways, rather than destructive ways. Being a victim means i've been my worst enemy when I want to be my very best friend!

Have any of you felt this way this far out? Will I EVER get past this?

#2 Oct 3 - 5PM

Tigerlily

Oh, Sunafter, I so identify with this!

Behind every strong man is a good woman! And behind every strong woman are at least two men, who want to prevent her from being one! It was the feeling of being sick of being a victim that gave me the power to free myself from the Wottapricks of this world. Sometimes our fear of success is greater than our fear of failure. Failure we are used to, failure we can live with. From a 3-, we can graduate. With a 1+, we are screwed -the only place we can go from there is to maintain our effort indefinitely, and who the f**ck wants to do that? Sunafter, with the best "gear" for success, I have chosen failure again and again. I am lucky in that I no longer have a choice - either I am successful, or we (I and my children)starve. Forced this way between a rock and a hard place, I am successful by necessity. I stand on the street and play my violin to pay for my kid`s school books, for example. No-one can predict how far someone is in their progress, and no-one can evaluate or devaluate it either. It is all relative. I at any rate find your posts immensely enlightenend and inspirational. I look up to you, Sunafter. So stay strong and wise, we need you! Love Tigerlily

#3 Oct 3 - 2PM

Caligirl

sunafterrain, thank you for your reply and

big hug. It means a lot to me. I'm glad you got the class, and yes, I was praying. Also, thank you for the book suggestion. I may have to get that one. I spent almost all weekend reading! I'm reading books about toxic families and N parents. You asked how I'm dealing with the pain with seeing how my family is the same as my exN and this is one...reading, reading, and reading. I hope my eyes don't deteriorate from all the reading, lol. Perhaps a bit obsessive, but it helps...helps keep me n/c!! My mom was gone for the weekend, and it was a reprieve. When I was with my exN, about the middle of our r/s, I noticed how his behavior was similar to my family, the blaming, disrespect, controlling...and yet I could not process it deeper. I was already caught like a deer in headlights and my mind was spinning. It dawns on me that I was frequently a scapegoat in my family for my mom and sisters. Years ago, I had a good friend who always told people I was like Cinderella with evil step sisters. My father and I were pretty close and healthier, good communication etc, but he passed. He once said before he did that I should get away when he passes. Then, I met my exH a few laters, and I did. I hear you on procrastination. This has crept in, and it's been hard for me to break. It's good you have eliminated your pathological family influences and have healthy habits in your own immediate one. My family SEEMS to be trying and has improved, but I believe they also see my boundaries and strength too, not gonna be ran all over so they can feel better. Just the other day my older nephew was saying how he broke up with his gf 2 weeks ago bc she is a "psycho" (supposedly he was so happy posting all these comments on FB about "my love"). Now, he has a new gf, and oh she spoils him, is the best, admires him, and he refers to her as "my love" on fb, and he bragged, "I'm a ladies' man." It reminded me of my exN. Funny, his mother is very narcy (been married 4 times) and much like my mom. Great, I sense another N in the family. It makes it hard to recover. It tempts me to break n/c, as I want to get some validation for what I went through, but I know deep down I won't get that. I also want to set the record straight that it wasn't me, find out why he did some of the things he did....Last week, I asked a friend about why my exN called me so many times before I left, if he was done with me. Friend texted, "he is a loser...get over it." I was sad bc it sounded harsh. He, my friend, said he didn't mean it to be. Sun, I think what you're doing, going back to school, raising a family, working on your you is all awesome and inspiring. Funny, when I read your replies sometimes, it is the same thing I was thinking, like one about man having free will and evil being from the Devil. Anyway, I hope I'm not rambling, haha. I hope you had a good weekend. Hang in there! BIG HUGS BACK

#4 Oct 3 - 3PM (Reply to #18)

Sunafterrain

(((((((((((((( Miss Cali ))))))))))))))))

You're one of my favorites here. Now I know why. We share similar disordered family histories. I think mine is more of the full blown psychopathic variety. At least my father is for sure. My mother a malignant N and so my brother, but I think my sister is def a full blown P. Being around them was way way too emotionally dangerous for me, as the role of scapegoat was assigned to me and, well, I just didn't want to play that role anymore. It's holidays and birthdays that it really hits home about not having a family. but it is my choice. I'm really going at all of this totally alone, having "pulled my weeds" as goldie might say.... I know it's necessary though. I want my children, even though most are grown and gone, to see a different side to their mama. I neglected them emotionally for many years. I can't make up for the pain I've caused them, but I can try to do the best I can to show them love and support. We are mending as a family and that means so much to me because I want them NOT to carry on the pathological legacy so inbred in my family. I understand why you still have contact. It's also a really good thing that you had healthy relationship with one of your parents. I cant tell you how important that really is and will be in helping you get past this experience. You're such a special, very sweet girl, cali. You're going to do well, I just know it! BIG BIG BIG HUGS!

#5 Oct 3 - 4PM (Reply to #19)

Caligirl

Sunafterrain, thank you for your kind words!

Your reply brought tears to my eyes. I really needed that. I miss my dad. He was strong and sensitive. He was very hurt by my mother, as she cheated. He confided his feelings and thoughts to me and would cry in front of my youngest sister. Oddly, her and I are the healthy ones, and my other two sisters are more like my mom, VERY narcy. We had a 50/50 split in my family for pathology, interesting when you consider the genetic factor of PDs. I admire your strength, Sun, in "pulling the weeds" and I know birthdays and holidays must be hard. I applaud you taking a stand to not be a scapegoat and showing your kids a healthy way to live! That is going to serve them well, just as my time spent with my dad did. And funny thing is, even though he wasn't perfect and made mistakes, as we all do and he often pointed out his, a therapist and two gfs (who had never met) all said, "You can love and it is your father who taught you that!" Anyway, perhaps he loved too much putting up with my mother's crap. He used to say, "She sh*t on me again." Well, perhaps this experience with my exN was a wake-up call for me. Thank you for saying I'll do well. I hope so. I'm in the rage stage these days...praying God will see justice done and wishing something bad befalls my exN. I think you're going to do well too. You sound great! I can't get over how much mental damage these PD people do. I think I left when it was the right time. His father had moved out the week before, and I had done two stints out back to back with my exN for his work...leaving when I did ensured an empty house. I had thought of leaving before, but it would have been messy. This way was safer and a cleaner break, and I sometimes think it was in God's plan. ExN was slandering me, and he brought in the older son (who is quite creepy), said the last day he sent him all our texts (where I defended myself), and he had his son come around and ignore me too, just juvenile behavior, but it was hurtful at the time. I sometimes feel bad for not saying good-bye, but what was there to say to someone abusing me, blackmailing me, devaluing and discarding... I couldn't trust him with anything!! He even threatened to call my sister and bring in my family (who he had never talked to) and he had distorted something I said regarding her. This is another reason I can't get the kind of closure I wanted, and I am still on a friendly basis with my exbf before him, and can speak to my exH if necessary (exN acted as if he contacted my exH or would and was making up his own story about my marriage and divorce, so I felt I had to contact exH afterwards, and of course exN didn't contact him). These Ns stir up so much drama and chaos! Thanks for the hugs, Sun! Hugs back!!!

#6 Sep 30 - 10PM

Sparrow

absolutely..........very

absolutely..........very normal, or should I say common, to think this way. I have been beaten down at every single avenue I have taken. But refuse to believe that I cant do it........misery loves company. And quite frankly, that isn't the company I want to keep. And neither should you! My hat is off to you, for continuing your education, being the open and honest parent that you are, and for facing your trials face first, head on. You go girl! Never let anyone ever tell you any different than what you believe. And from where I am sitting........I see a believer! Life is good............relish in your accomplishments.

#7 Sep 30 - 11PM (Reply to #15)

Sunafterrain

Sparrow

Thank you, that means so much to me! This post is so positive, I'm almost excited for my life now lol! Thank you so much!

#8 Sep 30 - 11PM (Reply to #16)

Sparrow

Always, always, be excited

Always, always, be excited for your life...........it's the only one you have, so make the most of it! And NEVER let anyone ever put you down, correct you, or tell you you are less than what you believe yourself to be. That my friend, is the true secret to success! My best wishes to you and your dreams!

#9 Sep 30 - 9PM

Caligirl

Sun, I'm right there with you, girl!

I'm getting a bit frustrated with myself. I'm exactly 6 months out today! I've read and have become knowledgeable on PDs/Ps and yet, hmm, still STUCK. I've looked into my childhood and have analyzed how it contributed. My exN and N mom, wow, so many similarities. Mom: major control freak, everything has to be her way, moody, critical and always commenting on someone, makes up stories about what others' say and do, very immature, projects, bosses others around, and most all narcy traits. N mom's presence came back into my life immediately after my split with exN, so I think it is probably holding me back. My mom always and still puts me down, with holds when she deems you unfit or having made a mistake, etc. It's all about her. A few years ago, in counseling, my therapist told me my mom was a N (on just a few words from me. She was good, bc she is right). The therapist said my mom, out of all my sisters, is jealous of me (I am the only educated one) and warned me that if I were to go home to xx (bc I lived far away) to be near my N mom and N family, it would have negative repercussions. I believe this was one reason I moved to where my exN lived. Anyway, of course, I am stronger now and more knowledgeable, but honestly, I feel so alone with no friends here, but one, and being a healthy individual amongst a sea of disordered ones in my family. My therapist told me, "you can love and be loved" and not true of my family who are quite self-serving and always looking for what comes back to them. I feel as though I jumped from the frying pan to the fire, well maybe one fire to the next. :( I'm so thankful to have this site and all the wonderful and caring people here. It has helped me so much! I do hope we can all get past this soon and together. I hope you got the Abnormal Psych class! Sorry for my long reply. Hugs!

#10 Sep 30 - 10PM (Reply to #13)

Sunafterrain

((((((((((((( Cali! ))))))))))))))))))))

I resonate so well with your posts and you're never going on too long! IT IS SO HARD when your whole fam is swimming in the sea of pathology. In a way, I think we're the lucky ones, Cali. I know that sounds weird, but I like to think, that after all of this mess, that maybe we are truly walking miracles. All of us here, really. But particularly those with pathological backgrounds. Maybe being scapegoated was THE way out??? We can change our patterns, while they stay STUCK. THEY are stuck, Cali, PERMANENTLY, while this (I hope) is only temporary by comparison, but it is so incredibly, excrutiatingly painful! I've long since dumped my toxic pathological family. Ex was the last to go. I hate to say this, but I don't know how to function WITHOUT them. I don't know what TO DO with the unfamiliar! Isn't that SAD??? Had I been raised with love, and healthy boundaries, I wouldn't be here talking about any of this. Ok, well, MAYBE, but it might well have been just a horrifying disabled ship passing in the night! I was reading a little bit of The Betrayal Bond. Have you read it, Cali? It's very triggering in a lot of ways and it has to be taken very slowly, but it does make so much sense. I'm very trauma bonded to my ex. I'm not sure yet, just how to move out of it, but now I'm AWARE of it, which also leads to the reality that I was trauma bonded to my entire pathological family too. But what to do when you have the awareness? I thought it was just about making different choices to follow a healthier path. trauma bonds are essentially relationshit addictions. I see that. Anyway, I've made major overhauls in my life in the past ten months. Ex was an alcoholic and I RARELY touched it until he came along. By the time the relationshit was near its end, I was ALCOHOLIC TOO. I stopped drinking. I've created a committed family day once a week, where my children and grandchildren come for dinner and we hang out. I have vowed and have kept my vow, to stay OUT of another relationshit at all, no matter how painful and lonely it gets. I'm back in school. I'm in therapy. I blog here and on another site. But there is this INTENSE loneliness that follows me everywhere. There are very few people I share my life with anymore. I miss having someone to call after class with excitement to talk about what happened in class. I'm the only one excited. And yes, Cali, if you prayed, THANK YOU! I got into the class and the text is fascinating and the professor is awesome! I'll share what I learn as I go through the classes. It should be utterly fascinating with group discussions and I can't WAIT to share with others what I've learned. But then I come home. And that loneliness, memories and pain are right there when I get there. I just so badly want this to be OVER, ya know? How are you dealing with your pain, Cali, especially around the realization that your fam is as toxic as ex? BIG HUGS

#11 Sep 30 - 9PM

freaked

Sun, good post

EXCELLENT post Sun. I will post detailed response after couple hours. THIS post has set me into very deep thoughts.

#12 Sep 30 - 9PM

Swan

victim mode

I just talked about this very topic with my new shrink yesterday. I told her I am tired of being all about him and what he did to me, what he still does to me, what he will do to me. Done. Taking it out of my vocabulary. Yeah, I was a victim, but no more! Now I am mending my shattered soul. I am rehabbing my heart. Whatever you want to call it. Now its all about me healing me, not about him hurting me. Sure Sun, Its scary as hell. Almost more scary than life with the Narcabuser b/c at least with him I knew what I was getting. Uncertainty is always scary. But so was life with the Narcabuser.

#13 Sep 30 - 10PM (Reply to #10)

Sunafterrain

Swan

You're right, it is scary as hell. Very, but in a different way, and no, not nearly as scary as living the daily hell of the disordered one.

#14 Sep 30 - 10PM (Reply to #2)

freaked

swan

@Swan, you said it! Life after we have unmasked the evil is certainly even more dangerous that life with the evil one. my NC at present is from only sex. as i have often mentioned, i have not the support and means to run away. am obliged to still stay in this horrid marriage and survive and protect my child. BIG TASK. Daily i am receiving strength by reading at this forum and am gaining a save-myself-and-my-kid idea. why do i feel so drained and exhausted nowadays? how do i overcome terror? scouring the www to know if an N/P would coldbloodedly K---L? this is my prime required info right now. i will say today that i have no trace of 'love' left now for this evil NH. I am trying to stop thinking WHY ME. all that doesnt matter...what matters is my child and me must survive and be able to LIVE once again. @Sun, thank you for your huge effort for researching, articulating, posting a helpful thought everyday. It is tremendous help to this soul here.

#15 Sep 30 - 10PM (Reply to #3)

Sunafterrain

Freaked

You can do this. I KNOW you can. All you're doing right now is processing and building your RESOLVE to walk out of it. THINK more about HOW to do it. You don't have to stay there. If you weren't strong and were not RESOLVED to getting out safely, you wouldn't be here. You can do this. I know you can. I KNOW you can!

#16 Sep 30 - 10PM (Reply to #4)

freaked

SnapOut suddenly just Happens..strange

Sun, you are VERY VERY VERY Insightful. Because, you have accurately stated exactly what is going on in my mind. Yes Yes Yes, right now I am building the Resolve AND the Means. I have decided to abandon these disordered folk. "THINK more about HOW to do it." Sun, this is precisely what i am contemplating on. You know what dear, i too used to feel sad and asked why me .. but, there comes a time and moment when one just snaps out of that thought...and it happens all of a sudden...almost like the Universe said..Dear..your time is done, now you are free.. and like an innocent wrongly accused person stepping out of the jail door..has to rebuild his/her life all over again...with zero help from nextdoor society.. it's like that. Sun, i hope you also suddenly receive that Strength from the Universe...and snap out of even the memory bond. i know you will soon be a practicing therapist.. who knows..God Willing...ALL of us at this forum may be able to meet in person one day.. (((HUGS)))

#17 Sep 30 - 11PM (Reply to #5)

Sunafterrain

Freaked

Funny........I'm thinking about changing my major... Anyways, as I've been reading your post, i can sense your contemplation. I pray for you to get past whatever fear you have in getting out. Building your resolve. I wholeheartedly believe you can do this, because with your quiet DIGNITY still intact, I know you're pondering and thinking and working....and that's all SO GOOD for you and your child. I'm rooting for you too, to get out soon, Freaked. You are an absolute JOY and when you're free, while it will be hard, I just think your resolve and positive thoughts that grow out of it, will carry you to see it all THROUGH. YOU. CAN. DO. THIS. BIG HUGS!

#18 Oct 1 - 6AM (Reply to #6)

Swan

victim

yeah so after i made my big speech last night about not being a victim anymore, I had a moderate anxiety attack before bed...you know- when the thoughts come. ARGH, I just want to be free of this crazy sh*t. So today I am making a plan. I am going out. To a store that I have to go to near the Narc's house that I have been putting off out of fear of running into him. I can't live my life sidestepping around him anymore. I AM GOING TO THAT STORE TODAY. (don't think I am all that brave, I looked at his schedule and know he is out of town this morning :-) ) But I am going anyway. And i am going to do my hair and put on a bit of makeup to make me feel better and more empowered and I am going to get that errand completed! Go me!

#19 Oct 1 - 10AM (Reply to #7)

Sunafterrain

Swan

YOU GO CHICA!!!!! Let us know how it turns out. I'm getting my hair done today too. WOOT! Us hotties :) Ya know, Swanny, I avoid going where he goes. He works and lives nearby. It's apart of my NC. Amazingly, other than once seeing him with his new wife and once at an intersection, I've been blessed to not run into him, and I'm convinced it's because I avoid him at all costs. I'll drive a few extra miles out of my way to avoid the stores he goes too. If I can be super triggered by phone calls, seeing him would be worse. I so value my NC and what is left of my sanity, I see it as taking care of myself. So try it out and see what happens and if you get a trigger come here and if not, let me know anyway how it went. I'm curious as to how you will feel. BIG HUGS

#20 Oct 1 - 11AM (Reply to #8)

Swan

success!

No Narc sightings, no trigger. As a matter of fact I feel pretty damn strong today having done that!!!

#21 Oct 1 - 11AM (Reply to #9)

Sunafterrain

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You've jumped a MAJOR hurdle! Good for you, Swanny! WOOT!

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