Leaving an N with kids

My husband has been having an affair with a married coworker, which i found out about right after the birth of my third child. When I first found out, I wanted to work on the marriage. I wanted to use this experience as a wake-up call to issues we needed to address. Unfortunately, my ex had other plans including putting me and the children through a living hell for the next two years.

The hell took us through a family vacation to celebrate our marriage and family that was just a cover up for their continuing affair. I would go to therapy to work on the marriage, of course he didn't need therapy, and he would watch kids. Later I found out watching the kids meant meeting girlfriend and letting our children and her children play together in a daycare while they spent the hour together.

He thought he was a better man when he was open about the relationship. He would come home from work, change his cloths to go out on his dates. All of this, right in front of me. He would leave the kids crying because they didn't understand why daddy was always going and not home to read them stories and put them to sleep.

Of course, I caused him to have the affair. I was pregnant and non sexual. Didn't matter that he called me fat throughout my pregnancy, I normally weigh around 100 pounds, or that he never went to my doctor visits, and never interacted with me. I was suppose to meet his sexual needs.

In front of a marital therapist, whom we saw once, he told me I had used him for his sperm.

When I found out about the affair, I was hurt, sad, scared and angry, and I had just had a child so my hormones were fragile. Of course, when I expressed my anger, I was told I had an anger problem and that is why he had to have an affair.

When my child was born, he never held him, fed him, anything. He was too busy hating me, hating our child, and having his grandiose needs met by this other woman.

I tried so many things to get him to work on our marriage, all in vain. The lies were non-stop, and I was always to blame. My favorite was when i was out of town with the children, and he told me he was going to end the affair in his "own way." He told me he was going to meet her for dinner. Her car pulled up in my driveway and spent the whole night. He had the balls to send me an email "after his dinner" that he had ended his affair.

I filed for divorce. He told me it was my responsiblity to show him that I could change, before he would give up his girlfriend.

The nightmare continued on and on. I finally took the kids and moved out of state back to my home, family and friends. Sick part...he didn't fight it. Infact, he drove us cross country, picked out a rental, and flew back to our old house leaving me and his three kids. The other woman moved in as soon as he got home.

I wish I could say it ended there. From that point on, everyday I was bombarded with emails and every visitation included him complaining about how I did this to him, and how depressed he was that he wanted to blowout his brains. He realized he didn't really love her, and now she wants her children to move into the house with him. Needless to say, he doesn't want them. He calls her kids, mean, fat and stupid, but is going to let them move in because he doesn't want to be alone. It is my fault that I put him in this situation. To this day he asks me to help HIM find a path back to our marriage, but he still needs to have her live in our house because after I abandoned him, he needs someone to help him care for the house and animals.

He is just the helpless victim, and is just using everyone as a pawn in his sick game. I am so sad for my kids, and honestly...Instead of hating the other woman, I pity her and really feel for her kids. She has no idea that she is next in line for the same emotional abuse. I am sure he has painted me out as evil, and is telling her how she is his true love, etc., and she, recently divorced, is falling for it.

Our divorce is slowly moving along, although he is not doing anything on his side. I am financially and emotionally trying to protect my kids, but it is very hard. The law doesn't really recognize emotional abuse, so I try to be as positive as I can for the kids and encourage their relationship with their dad. I try to keep my issues separate from their relationship, but it is hard.

I just keep plugging along everyday, being as positive as I can for my kids. It is true that completely cutting off contact is the healthiest way to go. Unfortunately, it is very hard when you have three kids.

Any words of encouragement would help. It has been a very tough road.