Let this board be your parachute :)

If you are riding in a car going really, really fast and you suddenly jump out, your body will not just stop where you exited the vehicle. You have been traveling recklessly with the car, along for the ride for a long time and your body has all that momentum behind it now… if you were to jump out, your body would keep moving forward, violently, in rhythm with the speeding car, until the momentum finally stops and the earth slows you down. You live thru this if you’re lucky… you will have many cuts and wounds and bruises and you will no doubt be in pain…..but this will all heal over time. The speeding car, however, didn’t care that you jumped for your life. It laughed at you as you opened the door and flung yourself out; it laughed when it told you you would never survive. It continued on its course and eventually drove straight into the pits of hell - and no matter what you have been thru or how you feel now; no matter how many deep cuts and wounds you have, you are grateful that you hurled yourself out of the moving time bomb instead of continuing the course on a one-way excursion into eternal hell.

I think the same is true for us. We ride that roller coaster with the Narc for sooo long.. we are strapped in tight and holding onto it for dear life because it’s comfortable and familiar now and they have made us feel so small and pathetic and like we cannot survive if we don’t stay on the ride – they have convinced us that only the ride really loves us and only the ride will accept us because they made sure to let us know that we’re pretty worthless, way too needy, happy, mad, crazy, whatever. We get tossed and turned, super high ups and lower than low lows; we get tossed upside down, our stomachs flip inside out. We hit the little peaks of the ride where the sun and the breeze hit us just right and we feel more than amazing. And then we get thrown down into a deep long spike and tossed into a dark tunnel, whipping us around… we’re in the tunnel for so long that we’re not sure if it will ever end or if we’ll ever see light again. We occasionally get a small peak of light, a slight breathe of the fresh air we’ve been longing for, only to be thrown fiercely back underground into the dark. We finally get the courage to jump off of the ride, but we don’t just land on 2 feet; our bodies are still being hurled forward, flipping/flopping, upside down, inside out, until finally, gravity takes hold and brings us to our feet again.

This is how I still feel at times…like I’m still on the rollercoaster despite the fact that I’ve exited the ride. I still have my good days and my not-so-good days… I do miss him… but not this him – I miss the old him... the one that is never coming back and sometimes I still have to convince myself that he isn’t. I think we all need a parachute… to help catch us and slow down the momentum that has been building for so long.

This board has been my parachute and all of the amazing members who ARE this board. This board is a parachute for all of us; helping us to slow down the momentum and bring us back to steady ground.

I can’t tell you how many hours I have spent reading on this site… countless hours… and it is all helping so much. Understanding what Narcs really are and grasping the fact that their ill treatment and behavior towards us is inevitable and has nothing to do with us; and that they cannot and will not ever change is so powerful and healing. I went back and read my first post ever on this site (from last year) and man how pathetic I was ... so sad really, to see for myself almost as an "outsider" now... how my own words were telling me how horrible he was treating me yet my heart and mind just couldn't even see it. You guys are all truly amazing and I know I speak for all of us when I say I thank God for you all!!

XOXO
Narcphobia