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Loneliness: it's as real in the relationship with the narc as out of it!

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#1 Jun 11 - 3PM
Qing Yuan
Qing Yuan's picture

Loneliness: it's as real in the relationship with the narc as out of it!

I encountered a strange feeling today! Loneliness is not something I have felt! I've been glad the narc is gone! I like my own space! Even being a single mum has it's advantages in some ways! (a few annoying bits too on the freedom front) But I realised that I am alone! I don't have a relationship? Would I like one one day? Sure? But why would I be thinking about this stuff already? Then I realised we are all lonely in a relationship with a narc! Being emotionally involved with a narc is not balanced! We give, they take, we ask for more and they pull it out from under us! So after you finally go contact! You realise that you haven't just been alone since you broke up or since you went no contact but intact you have been alone, you have been emotionally discarded, mentally chastised and alone for months years, nearly the entired duration of your relationship with the N, however long that is?? So I realised that the gulf I just became aware of isn't recent or even new at all! It's always been there but it's probably more pronounced because there is no "fake" relationship to mask it!
It would be wonderful to love and be loved!
I sometimes wonder why God invites these defective struggles into our lives?
What good can come off such heartache!?
What can we learn?
To be happy alone? Who knows?
But sometimes it's the harsh reality that this weird pinch of loneliness is not a new or recent feeling but something I was always aware of while I was with him!
Just feels to me like I've been alone 4 years now!
Sad but true!
Good will to all! Xx

Jun 12 - 1AM
Littleone
Littleone's picture

Your words really spoke to

Your words really spoke to me. I feel EXACTLY the same way! The loneliness does feel more pronounced now but like you said it's been there for such a long time. I'm a single mum too, but I didn't notice any difference being by myself than when the N was with me. He never helped or gave ANY love to our child. Not once, not ever. Now that I've moved back in with my parents I get more help than I could possibly ask for, Its so much better.. The wave of lonliness does still wash over me and I do have to remind myself it's not just because he is gone, it was there all along...
Jun 11 - 9PM
Puzzle
Puzzle's picture

So true, I felt alone for 5

So true, I felt alone for 5 years, so this feeling is not a new one. I still get sad and have moments when I feel like the world is caving in...but isn't not to worry about someone elses crazy moods, their odd behaviour, questioning what they say and do, feeling like you are living on borrowed time. We may feel alone, but we were alone when we were with them. I think I feel less alone now. In my journals I always said how lonely I was, but yet I was with someone. As for lessons I agree with Ruby01, I used to be someone who walked all over nice men and didn't appreciate them. I have noticed during this entire ordeal is that I often put other peoples needs before mine, friends and lovers and people walk all over me. This whole episode with the Narc has opened my eyes to everyone in my life who use me as a sounding board for their problems and nothing more. I think it is a wakeup call to us all, that to put ourselves first is not something to feel guilty about.
Jun 11 - 5PM
ruby01 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Qing Yuan

I am a single parent too. I truly believe there was a plan for us to experience this. That is why we must be silent and come to some sort of understanding and ultimately gain from what may seem so dark at the moment. I'm sure we have all heard the expression, "If you play with fire, you're going to get burned". I have always gone for the elusive butterfly when it came to men. It wasn't until I pursued this man that I now understand that I was playing with fire. I believe I had to get burned before I would realize I should appreciate a man who is giving and loving and truly wants to be in my company and not be scared to open up to him. I have wasted so much time on the wrong men and ultimately someone who showed me evil I never knew existed in this world. I hope I haven't come to this understanding too late. Somehow I don't think so. :) Ruby
Jun 13 - 12PM (Reply to #2)
Qing Yuan
Qing Yuan's picture

Oh Ruby,

I see what your saying. I too was awful to atleast three very lovely men who would have adored me and been great dads etc. I have seen my lesson on this one defo already. 'I was always the elusive butterfly' Yep, that line resonated with me. I was definitly a butterfly until the narc brainwashed me and got me pregnant. I thought his anarchic rule breaking world was magical and yes he was a ball of dangerous fire!!! and I got badly burned. I never knew about narcissism before this point but see the last major relationship I had was also the same. And I got burned then too. I do believe there is some divine plan but I am ready now for real love. Maybe some would say I am not yet but I know I am opened hearted and kind and ready for some of that myself. I wish the lonliness would beat it! I wish I coudl never have to see or hear of be near that narc B again ever ever ever. I really do. x
Jun 13 - 7PM (Reply to #3)
whitneywolf
whitneywolf's picture

Hi. Strong point--and a poem

Hi, all. I'm new (just starting & flailing at NC, and not clear enough in the head to get my story down just yet). This post provoked me to speak. Thanks for the awesome point about the loneliness! I do think it's worse when someone else is in your physical presence actually working to "make" you feel unlovable. You've reminded me of the SANCTUARY of my aloneness. :) It brings back the memory of a poem I've long loved, from Adrienne Rich (1973. 'Trying to Talk with a Man.' "Poems 1971-1972"). I'm just excerpting some passages... Out here I feel more helpless with you than without you You mention the danger and list the equipment we talk of people caring for each other in emergencies - laceration, thirst - but you look at me like an emergency Your dry heat feels like power your eyes are stars of a different magnitude they reflect lights that spell out: EXIT when you get up and pace the floor. Peace!