The Lonely

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#1 May 1 - 6PM
Anonymous (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

The Lonely

I know all the right answers...stay busy, do things you love to do, join groups, etc. etc. blah blah blah
I do all of the above and more. I'm 51, and have been in a relationship of some sort since my teens. All I have are my boys, and they have lives of their own...
Most of the time, I'm improving and getting stronger from the recent devastation of losing my husband, whom I thought was my best friend forever......my provider, and the step father to my boys.........
but sometimes, try as I may, I can not overcome this emptiness and loneliness. I miss having a companion so badly..yet I know in my heart of hearts, I can never love or trust again. Perhaps that's why the hole in my heart feels so enormously huge sometimes......
Sharing a life with someone, the way God intended it to be for all of us...it's not possible for me, ever again.
Our neighborhood is having it's spring gathering by the marina, drinks , food , music, etc..........and I stay at home (while I have one), afraid to leave, not fitting in anywhere in this world, and wondering what I did to deserve this horrific evil to come upon me? I was so good to him...so patient, so trusting, so everything a wife is supposed to be.......I was a Madonna whom went years w/o intimacy....never knowing why. I'm angry, very angry. Because I was a good person, he set out to destroy me???? I had nothing else to give him! I didn't get used for money, not for sex, not for profit of any sort! I was used to create an image he wanted to portray, of a devoted family man....I guess? So if that were what was important to him, then why has he left and never looked back? Is he so sick he thinks people don't see how he's treated his "family"???YUK I have nothing, for he pursued me while married, and he convinced me not to fight for anything...that we had all we could ever need, that he would take care of me and the kids forever, blah blah blah........He's a predator, and he's moved on to his next married woman and broken up another marriage.......she's been told the same, that he will take care of her.....and she did the same as me! To have to conceive that there are evil, coveting psychopaths out there that get their jollies on destroying what they see other people have, that they can never have..........is a sort of death to me. In more ways than one..............
The person I used to be is dead.

May 2 - 2PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

they don't want to get it

http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2005/09/reality-and-revictimization.html ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
May 2 - 2PM (Reply to #13)
GIJ
GIJ's picture

Great article

I was PTSD a long time ago after multiple life crises (deaths in my family, natural disasters, etc). Yet, I didn't realize it. "Just move on" was the theme from every direction. "You're ok now, right?" I felt like I had to suck it up to just blend in to have any friends. BIG mistake. Not getting immediate support for my situation actually did a great deal of harm. I did eventually get help and support. Thankfully, that experience is validating my need to reach out with this one. It is an actual short cut to sanity.
May 2 - 4PM (Reply to #14)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

GIJ

your PTSD has probably been retriggered ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
May 2 - 10AM
sanctuary
sanctuary's picture

My heart goes out to

My heart goes out to you...and to all of us. I got married young and always seemed to be in a relationship, maybe part of my problem. After the ExN there was a BFN. That's story I haven't even commented about on here yet, but it ended romantically about a yr and a half ago. After becoming more educated on the topic of N's, I have no desire to be in a relationship in my foreseeable future. Like you I'm in court, again. I have a teenage daughter at home but I have three older kids from 1st marriage that are all adults. I may lose my home, I pay for everything for her, and handle all of it. I wish there was a way more of us could hook up together to support each other. I have days like you, I can't think straight let alone try to be coherent on court documents. I have better days when I work on my business and manage to achieve something. Most days I hate the N and some days I'm just too tired to even think about it. This may be lame but hang in there. We have to for the kids and ourselves. Maybe if this board continues to grow we would actually be able to connect to others in person. It sucks when you don't feel like going around other people because they just don't understand and you feel like you don't fit in anymore. Some days it a huge effort just to go to the store....
May 2 - 8AM
narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

i could have written this myself.........

this is EXACTLY how i feel.....that i have a wound that will never heal......a huge gaping wound that i am bleeding out from...and everyone is telling me to put a band aid on it... the psychopath completely destroyed my life..every aspect of it...and exercise won't bring it back...and neither will nature walks....or cook outs.... him dying didn't bring it back either.....it's gone...and i have no delusions about that...i've had people scream at me about my lack of hope..lack of FALSE hope... to me it's like telling someone whose heart has been ripped out that hey...it's no big deal...they can live without it just fine.... i've said the same thing.....i'm dead...just still breathing....and it's true....he killed me years ago...and got away with it... i'm angry...i've been angry for a long time...and the anger hasn't gotten me my life back either.....the anger kept me alive to see him get his comeuppance...but nothing is going to restore my life...because i no longer have the tools it took for me to have that life in the first place.i'm 53..exhausted from years of abusse....i have horrible PTSD...i have no trust....no self esteem..no money..no credit....none of the things it takes to start again from the ground up....i feel like a cripple who is being taunted to 'stand up on my own two feet'..when my feet have been cut off.... i totally understand where you're coming from...toally........
May 2 - 5PM (Reply to #10)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Getting "over it"

One of my friends said it would be EASIER for me to move on because he had no feelings for me. I spent a good THREE YEARS with him. I saw my ex-N as a potential boyfriend, I took him seriously. It was devastating. I can understand the whole being called crazy part too... I've had PTSD too.
May 1 - 11PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

gullablegull

there's loads of posts on divorce on this message board, look for them and read them MORE: http://www.womansdivorce.com/ http://www.divorcenet.com/ http://www.divorcesource.com/ many of these sites have boards where you can ask questions and get advice on handling it all. pity parties are fine as long as they don't prevent you from getting angry and get what you deserve from this predator. ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
May 1 - 6PM
Introspection
Introspection's picture

Hi gullablegull...

What happened to your dreams of going back to school? Perhaps this is the time to reactivate this dream...(((HUGS)))
May 1 - 7PM (Reply to #5)
gullablegull (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Am still hoping too, and the

Am still hoping too, and the predator said he would pay for it...but that was before he left. Before he pulled his Houdini. That was just another one of his pathological lies I guess. I still hope to, but am having to wait for now. Not able to focus or function too well yet anyway. Getting ready for the divorce issues takes me 20 times longer than it would have just a few months ago. I have so many fragmented thoughts.....and can hardly hold on to one thought for long. Most of my time is spent trying to remember what I'm doing? ha I am giving my divorce case and my children all my energies...and just praying that God will help us overcome this evil enough to have some kind of home for me and the boys, and possibly rehabilitative monies so I can foster some sort of career. Have one ready for college next year, and one in 2 years. Our lives are nothing like they were, and our futures are in the hands of God, more or less. I'm trying to get better and stronger, but as we all know, sometimes we can't will it away. Or we all would. We will get through this......all of us will.........but sometimes I can't help it, I get scared and I get lonely.
May 2 - 8AM (Reply to #7)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

gullablegull

It does get lonely sometimes, I think it helps to ask ourselves, when I get home, would I rather have him there...being who he is, or would I rather come home to peace?? Peace always wins out for me. I think with an N around there is always so much chaos, that when they're gone, it feels like a huge void. They do things to create this feeling too, like we cannot function without them. I have some phobias that I've been working on, as a result of PTSD. It's baby steps, but it helps to at least try to do some of the things that may give you a bit of confidence back. You can try going to one of those 'events' you discussed in your post, maybe stay a short time and leave. It helps to try some things, see how you feel, and go from there. It take a very long time to regain some strength...to regain who were were, after an N comes through like a tornado, and attempts to rip our lives to shreds. Try not to be so hard on yourself, this takes time. I know it may not feel like it, but just by default, we are always better off just by not being with the N.
May 1 - 8PM (Reply to #6)
Introspection
Introspection's picture

Get angry...anger is a form of energy that helps us move forward

So learn all about the court system and divorce procedures so that you are well prepared to face this challenge. Learning comes in very many different forms sweetheart. Think about this bastard being without a worry and that should be enough to push you to the next level....anger is a good starting anchor. We need to love ourselves more than we love others...love yourself sweetheart and although I know it is difficult of overcome the temptation of crawling into a shell...please think about your future, your children, yourself. I know that it may appear that this is all just a pep talk, it is true. You deserve all the happiness in the world, you have to believe this and repeat it to yourself again and again until it becomes a reality.
May 1 - 6PM
Amazed
Amazed's picture

Wish I could help

Wish I could help,,
May 2 - 2PM (Reply to #3)
happydaysahead
happydaysahead's picture

And not too many people get it !!

I am so tired of everybody just saying to move on !! They just don't get it. How can you move on with your life when the life has been sucked out of you !!
May 2 - 11AM (Reply to #2)
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Me too

Me too i wish i could help . xxxx God we are all such great lovely women here , none of us deserved what happened to us . I want to rip the heads off all these animals that caused us such grief . I read you guys stories and i get so upset with all the injustice , i cling on to faith by my finger nails that one day we will have our day in the sun again . Big Love Scoop xx