Looking at Other Women In Front of You........

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May 14 - 9AM (Reply to #26)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture


you're probably right about their 'ongoing thing' my Narc#1 had a harem from high school on. He remarried a few years ago - one of his harem!! I wonder how the other harem members feel about this and if wife #2 is allowing him to still 'visit' and be in contact with them. He'd just show up and f*ck them whenever he wanted. Gross! it's sick and depraved really - talking about other women with you around... Psycho-Boy did this to me and it was harmful and cruel. ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
Sep 29 - 7AM (Reply to #24)
dolce (not verified)
Anonymous's picture


I'm reading your post and getting angry. I know how much that hurts. I was waiting to get to the part where you let him have it but you didnt say anything about it. Did you feel you couldnt show anger or confront him? ~Free to Be~
Sep 28 - 8PM
malloryforest's picture

Oh yes

Mine loved to look at other women...there asses, their breasts, anything. When I would say something, he would tell me that at least he is open and honest about looking at other women. Other men do the same thing, they just hide it. I was lucky to be with someone so open. Yes, lucky me. Also, mine loved to openly flirt with other women in front of me. They were usually very young women. I remember once we went into a Starbucks. The girl behind the counter was probably in the summer before college or in her first year or two of college. My husband who was in his very late 40's in the time started hitting on her right in front of me! I remember the young girls face. She looked sick that this old married geiser was hitting on her in front of his wife. He was old enough to be her dad. I remember thinking how pathetic.
May 14 - 12AM (Reply to #21)
Scooters Mom
Scooters Mom's picture

not mine!

He would actually deny it! We were out to dinner once and he was super gauwking at some attractive woman. So I asked him if he would like me to go ask her if she minded him sitting with her. He got all offended and said that he has never been accused of this by anyone but me. Once we were at a casino and the girls had barely anything on and he was staring sooo hard he tripped over his own feet, AND STILL denied it. And he would always have to tell me if we went somewhere where there was no attractive woman. AND he hated woman with short hair and would say "just be a man then" So he concluded that I was insecure and jealous and that he did not stare!It became my problem again!!!
May 14 - 1AM (Reply to #22)
neveragain5's picture

That is such an N line too,

That is such an N line too, "Nobody has ever accused me of THAT before!!". Pllleeeaassee, what a bunch of horse doodie!
Sep 28 - 7PM
Cgrl's picture


Mine was a sneak to the nth degree. I would tease him about the women at his work flirting with him. Little did I know at the time, the one I picked right out as the "guys girl" the only girl always with the guys smoking was the one he was going after. It was funny because from day one I said to him - something about her- I get a vibe about her. Of course he honed right in on her. So - I dont know. I am a bit psychic so I already knew it. He didnt have to show it or tell it.
Sep 28 - 7PM (Reply to #4)
dolce (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Mine was careful not to do

Mine was careful not to do that in front of me, but I remember once he did really really stare at this woman for a long time. I was so hurt by it. And angry. He denied it. How do they deny stuff you know you saw? He was sitting right next to me in the car! My N always flirted right in front of me though. The women he chose would play right into it. It got so I knew what he was going to say or what cute little story he would tell them. He told the same damn stories and jokes over and over. I will say that I got so good at knowing him. I believe Narcs are very predictable creatures and stick to patterns of behavior and habits. They are easily caught and sometimes even want to get caught. After awhile I could see right through him and finish his sentences. And they say we are boring? ~Free to Be~
May 11 - 10PM (Reply to #19)
smileyfacepr's picture

looking at other women

smileyfacepr Yes, definetly yes..no matter where we went he was not into what we were doing, he was always looking around and yes he would get that look in his eye like his mind was only on 1 thing, it was like I dissappeared at that moment. It happened so much it made it very uncomfortable for me to go anywhere w/him. I would get a sick feeling in my stomach everytime we would go anywhere.This started like 1yr and a half after we started living together. But it never stopped. This was the downward spiral of my self-esteem, The girls were alot younger also but not always. I would say something and yes again, he would deny it or tell me he didnt mean anything by it. Well if u dont mean anything by it? then just STOP it!! This was the beggining of the end he did it all the way thru to the end of a 7 yr relationship. It still makes me sick to think of the look on his face. It got to a point that I would scope out the girls b4 he could notice them and I still find myself doing it, thats 1 of the obsessions Im trying to eliminate!!!


Sep 28 - 11PM (Reply to #18)
Marie's picture

Mine too

He never looked at other women but he definitely flirted. And yes he would deny it. It was so freaking obvious I'd have to be a total jackass not to catch on. The one so called friend's house he took me to. It was so obvious by the way she looked and smiled at him that either something was going on or would be going on. No woman looks at a guy like that and asks them to stop by later. Dolce you hit on a good point at the end of your post. I think my N wanted to get caught. I think he was as bored as I was with the whole damn thing. From the moment I found the messages to his old girlfriend begging her to get in touch with him, to the new friend name on his profile and how can we forget the woman with the ballerina daughter, which explained his sudden interest in ballet. But even though I was bored it was still a major trauma when he walked out of my life. It was the best thing he did but I will forever hate him.
Sep 28 - 7PM (Reply to #5)
Cgrl's picture


Funny you bring up two points for me- Mine would always say to me - "am I that transparent" - he was, at least to me. As far as patterns - he persued his latest victim the exact same way he persued me- " we can talk about things" kind of thing and movies. He loved movies and the movie that I thought was just ours which I loved he snuck out of our apartment to bring with him when he left. I guess it is now hers. Im sure he shared it with her. We both loved this particular movie but I guess its one of his "hooks". I also do think they want to be caught. Or maybe they are just really really stupid. I have read here that they only pick very smart, strong women. So, that may be the link there. The more I read here the more I see they are all so alike. He really is one. I sometimes doubt myself but the more I read the more I see "him".
May 11 - 7PM (Reply to #17)
Amazed's picture

The "talk about things" approach

Exactly,,yes,,mine used the same approach,,talk about things,,it was the lure,,to pull me into the steel hook trap that is life is about...he no doubt uses this on other woman who want to "talk about things",,,they have a way of knowing your needs,,more readily that you do,,,until you learn about what they look for,,,and prey upon this in you...to their advantage,,,
Sep 28 - 8PM (Reply to #6)
dolce (not verified)
Anonymous's picture


After my first counseling session, my therapist said she thought I was probably too strong for these men. I dont know if that helps to take the "V" off my forehead... ~Free to Be~
May 11 - 7PM (Reply to #16)
Amazed's picture

The Strong or Weak Woman

My ex N said " that is why we get along,,you are a strong woman,,,I couldn't make it with a weak woman,,,he told me,,,met his live in OW,,,she was someone who I would consider weak,,she had no boundaries,,,told be me everything about her relationship with the psycho,,her kids,,his kids,,,the kids best friends,,showed me their pictures,,,,,gave me intimate details about their sexlife,,,past, present,,future,,,all in the span of 2 hours,,,,,she had no boundaries,,,no healthy boundaries,,,god help her....
Sep 28 - 11PM (Reply to #10)
Marie's picture

Getting caught

Do you think they like to get caught because they enjoy seeing the anguish they cause? I'm sure it's all part of their desire to control another person and the enjoyment of causing pain. I don't think they're stupid, I believe it's intentional because they know they will deny it and deny it. Even if you have proof they'll still deny it and say you're crazy. Mine very much liked crazy making. Sometimes he would gleefully tell me things he would do to his brothers to make them nuts.
Sep 29 - 8AM (Reply to #14)
dolce (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I think mine enjoyed letting

I think mine enjoyed letting me know what he was doing with other women! He wanted to see the pain in me. He wanted to destroy me. He wanted to cause confusion in my mind. In the end I know he wanted to totally annihilate me. I knew I had reached my breaking point when I wanted to end myself. But pulled some little bit of strength left in me and survived. I survived. Those 2 words mean a lot to me. ~Free to Be~
May 12 - 7PM (Reply to #15)
better off
better off's picture

Mine wanted to get caught...

Mine wanted to get caught... by his wife. To punish her, and to have us competing for him. Never mind that he exposed my entire life to being ruined... it suited his selfish purposes.
Sep 29 - 5AM (Reply to #11)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

getting caught

I don't think they like getting caught as much as they feel ENTITLED to do whatever they please and part of them can NOT understand why anything (since we are OBJECTS) would find it a problem that they cheat, oogle or anything else. Sick... really sick. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.
Sep 29 - 4PM (Reply to #12)
GhostBuster's picture

Entitled & part of devalueing

I agree, I think they do feel entitled to do whatever they damn well please in this area and they lack empathy so they can't understand why it would bother us objects. But I also think on some level they know it bothers us and it gives them a boost to devalue us right there in front of other women. My first N (the somatic) was an admitted "rubbernecker" and would usually flirt with young women/girls, I think because he knew they were easier to convince to flirt back or they welcomed that sort of attention. I remember he tried it with an older, middle-aged woman who was serving us at a restaurant and got shot down pretty bad. It was hilarious--she saw right threw him. And he didn't like THAT! Of course, I was laughing my ass off! 2nd N was usually very controlled in this area, but as his mask began to slip...so did he. And it was a creepy trance he'd fall into when someone caught his eye. Right after we got engaged, it got more frequent (which at the time I thought was really strange...we were planning our wedding for God's sake!) But he was so possessive and jealous, I think he was TRYING to get a reaction out of me. And I think it made him mad that he didn't (at least as far as he knew).
May 11 - 7PM (Reply to #13)
Susan32's picture

"It shouldn't matter to you that I have a girlfriend"

Well, after the ordeal of the D&D, the public humiliation, the tears, the ENDLESS LECTURES---my ex-N revealed he already had a girlfriend... in LA. He brought her to a concert. True, they acted more like brother/sister than a couple in love, and in the darkness, I was hunched over, quietly sobbing. By the time the concert ended, I was calm and serene enough to meet the OW. We had a pleasant chat, she reminded me of a high school buddy... and she looked LIKE ME. Turns out she was a decade my senior. My friends got wind of it, and said of him,"What a jerk." They knew I had been enamored of him for awhile... and saw him as a potential boyfriend. After that, I caught my ex-N, telling him,"If you told me you already had a girlfriend, you would've spared me a lot of pain." His response? "You put me in an awkward position." Oh yes, always blame ME. I was tired of the one ALWAYS being blamed. When I congratulated him on his engagement (which I sensed, nobody told me),and did it in a pleasant way, he threw a total fit. When I told him "better happy with her, than unhappy with me",told him we were incompatible,and how ADULTS have closure, wishing each other well when they go their separate ways, he whined, "YOU want to be the teacher." Again,he threw a fit, claiming I was imposing on him, being "intrusive",etc. He also said,"It shouldn't matter to you that I have a girlfriend." When I told him of a male friend of mine's recent betrothal, and how I was happy for this friend, I told my ex-N I was happy for him as well, that he had found someone, and that I had always wanted him to find the right person. He snapped,"Don't bring me down to your level!" Yeah, no wonder people here think my ex-N was psycho on top of being inhuman. My friends thought his behavior wasn't normal... to call it abnormal is MAJOR UNDERSTATEMENT...
Sep 28 - 9PM (Reply to #7)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture


Psycho-Boy begged for me and my best friend (who is 23 years younger than both myself and Psycho-Boy) to have sex in front of him so he could watch. We both tried to make a joke out of it - but he KEPT IT UP. Then he wanted me to find a boyfriend so I could have sex and tell him all the details while he masturbated. Hell NO. In the second year of the emotional affair he would tell me when he had sex with his wife and what they did!! I would tell him to stop but he wouldn't. I clicked him off or hung up and he'd call back. Sometimes my PTSD related 'freeze response' would go off and I would be stuck like a deer in headlights. It was disgusting. When the police showed me all his HOOKER reviews they sounded just like the way he talked about his wife!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.
Sep 29 - 7AM (Reply to #8)
MissM's picture

freeze response

what is freeze response? My previous exN would engage me in graphic text sex that I hated but went along with. He also sent me photos of other women that sickened me to the core and that he passed off as 'just teasing me' when i called him up on it. Yet i remained. Why? Is this the freeze response? No wonder I got involved with the cop. I'd been primed by another N who I thought i'd recovered from.
Sep 29 - 7AM (Reply to #9)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture


no - in the FREEZE RESPONSE you actually freeze either mentally and/or physically. Yours had you hypnotized. When you read WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS you'll understand http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/03/28/am-i-under-his-spell ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.
Sep 28 - 7PM (Reply to #2)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

oh yeah - no shame, no boundaries

Psycho-Boy backended his way into my AOL buddy list and proceeded to write to and send lewd comments to EVERY SINGLE ON OF MY FEMALE FRIENDS. He finally honed in on my friend Elizabeth in California - using the "Barbara will tell you I'm a good guy" then a week later convincing her to "stop talking to" me because I would be "jealous of their love." Puke. Psycho-Boy would also sometimes tell me about the HOTTIE he saw on his lunch hour. WTF!?!?! The worst was he came online one day after his lunch hour and said "I am sick, you know. I look at every woman like they're just a hole." OMG I was so sickened after that. Do they even remember who they are TALKING TO???? since we are just OBJECTS to them - why should they care huh? ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.
Sep 29 - 9AM (Reply to #3)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture


Mine would love to 'study' people...ehem, sure. He was from another country, and wanted to really soak up the culture. I would catch him staring at people, both genders...I swear he did it to throw me off the scent, so if I complained he'd say, "I watch and listen to anyone". I remember eating out once, there was a woman with a young child sitting close to us ~ I caught them both sizing up each other. I finally said to him, would you like to go sit over there? He said he was listening to the conversation, and that I'm just paranoid. Of course, he made me feel bad about 'accusing' him of something like that. It was all about it being a learning experience for him. Apparently, he missed studying me carefully enough to realize I'M NOT THAT STUPID!