In Love with a Narc?

see top post ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.

Thank you for this. I can so relate, especially to the weak with flu/4 hour kayaking example. This was my life!! It helps so much to know that while we are pouring out our hearts and souls to the N, they only want worship. It is ALL ABOUT HIM!! Not you, your marriage, your family, the kids, none of that matters to the N. It is all about how you mirror back to him that he is wonderful, handsome, virile, and ever-youthful. Don't you dare get sick or have anyone around you make any demands on you--all of your energy, attention, love and kindness is for THE N! I don't miss him now, not even the pretend him. I realize now that I spent SO many years completely catering to his every whim, at the expense of my own health, career, and sanity. I am now free to focus on myself and create a better life for my children and me. He is left alone with his apartment and his shallow pursuits. He has all the time in the world now to run, bike, go to AA meetings, go canoeing, and pontificate to himself about all of his boring interests. He has lost me, he has lost his kids, all of our friends, and any respect that he had in the community. He is a complete doofus. I wish he would just go away.

SEE TOP POST ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck

read the top post ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

I love this, especially: "Narcissists love passive aggression because they get to be cruel, sadistic and punishing without having it overtly look that way. They can pull nasty stunts and have it look like an accident or like the responsibility of someone else, most likely you." So true!

more excerpts from the book: "So, You're In Love with a Narcissist" by Alex Nouri The Devaluation Funhouse The most common form of narcissistic devaluation is the blame-and-bolt maneuver. You immediately begin to try to reason with him or find out what brought this on, and that, of course, is rich, full-bodied attention directed at him, the nectar of narcissistic life. And you wonder how he's feeling. Of course you do; not only are you sensitive and caring (Narcissists don't pick hardasses for partners), but you're conditioned to feel that way. The entire relationship was about him and his wants and needs. He literally trained you to think of little else. The real you, the pre-N you, doesn't want an abusive, mentally ill, inconsistent, selfish freak, ridiculous in his pandering for attention, chock full of contempt and inner conflicts that spill out and burn you. The real you wants a real partner. For the rest of us, we need to heed the experiences of my online friend L. L's man came on strong. Charming. Wonderful. They married, and he immediately became selfish, cold, and ambivalent about their marriage but refused to leave; he was un-empathic, wildly defensive and manipulative. He was a Narcissist. L knew something was morbidly wrong, but she stayed; he'd grow distant, she'd work to make it better. How long did this go on before she read the writing on the wall? Friend L stayed with her narcissist for three decades, until she 'selfishly' left him to preserve the remaining shards of sanity she had. I wonder if she has any regrets about leaving and wishes she could have him back, or if she has any general advice for the rest of us. Let's ask her, shall we? Alex: Hey, L. Do you have any advice for the gals out here who are on the fence about their Narcissist partners? L: G E T! O U T! I WENT THROUGH YEARS OF HELL. I SHOULD HAVE LEFT THIRTY YEARS AGO. I WANT MY THIRTY YEARS BACK!!! OK. On a less ascerbic note. Now, we know love is a good thing. Good love involves exchanging respect, affection, time and support with someone special. It feels good and when it has rough spots the two parties work them through. But the harsh truth is that there are those among us who DO NOT love. And when they 'say' they do and they pretend to, at our expense, that's a painful thing for the rest of us. They pretend to love because they know we'll love them back and they like the way it feels when we adore them and struggle to make a relationship with them work. It makes them feel special. But one day we look up and we see that we're the one putting in all the respect, affection, time and support, and they're taking it as well-deserved worship and hold out their hands for more. We try to work through rough spots. And with a narcissist that's where the REAL ouchies kick in. In rough spots good people look at the matter and review their own role in it as well as that of their partner. Narcissists are so desperate to always look perfect to themselves that the chances are zero of them ever considering they might have caused someone discomfort. So, if the two of you have a problem, guess whose fault it is? In rough spots good people look toward the goal of working it out and going on in better understanding. Narcissists would rather dump the whole thing and start fresh with someone else. If you're with a narcissist, your purpose in life is to reassure them that they're as perfect as they want to be. So, if you find that there's something imperfect about them and show it, as in your saying, "You hurt my feelings," "But you said you'd call. I needed to hear from you," or "Why did you spend our whole night at the party talking to the pretty woman from work?", then you aren't doing your job and may need to be replaced with someone much weaker or more troubled. (Healthy, strong people defend their due and their boundaries in relationships. Narcissists hate that.) In rough spots, good people engage in logical though maybe passionate debates about the issues. They ask each other what they want and use that information to make each other and themselves happy and fulfilled. A narcissist may very well ask you what you want; then they'll then use that information to manipulate you by threatening to withhold what you need and try to extract more attention and reassurance from you. And this is what you'll get in return: punishment for having challenged their perfection in the first place. Threats of abandonment. Accusations. Contempt. Does all this sound far-fetched and like a lame made-for-TV movie? Then you've never had an encounter with a narcissist. If you're with a narcissist, do research. Write your feelings down. Get some therapy. Do whatever helps, but before you do anything, get out. Just get out. And don't look back. The view ain't pretty. ~~~~~~~ Mroe traits lying around here? "Exploitive..." Oh, ignore that. It sounds so negative. They don't 'exploit,' per se, they just... 'enjoy and don't bother reciprocating.' Let's say you're seeing a dashing, sensitive narcissist. You meet at the beach, have a picnic that you brought, you listen to his bitching and tell him what a masterful work of art he is; you walk back to your house, you make love; he naps, gets up and showers, and, with a kiss, of course, leaves and you don't hear from him for a week. A "normal" guy might call, send flowers, ask you out the next night, take you to meet his friends, something boring like that. But a narcissist, he's got things to do! People to see! PRIORITIES! If you say, "I need to see you more. I feel like you don't take us seriously," he'll probably respond with a reassuring and comforting selection from the following, meant to end the discussion cold: "I know. This is hard." "I just don't know if I can." "Maybe you just need to decide what we have is enough." "But this is special. Like a summertime affair. We're like kids again." "I do take it seriously. It just doesn't seem that way to you. Maybe something's wrong with you." "Sense of entitlement..." Well, yes. When he's the most special, unique butt-hole in existence, he has certain perks. One is that he gets to do whatever he wants, to whomever he wants, right at that moment. This is particularly so as applied to you, the one who loves him. He gets to flirt and not have it bother you. He gets to ignore you and have you gush with joy when you see him next, like some codependent Irish Setter. He gets to tell you it's over and dump you and then come back to your open arms when he's short on attention from other people. And, most of all, he gets to soak up the attention you give him, bask in it, and then sneer at you and go get more from someone else. If your Narcissist throws you a crumb of attention, take it and savor it and deluge him with appreciation for it. Do NOT under ANY circumstances snort with disgust and drop his sorry ass to free yourself up for someone much, much better. Hang onto him at all costs. ALL COSTS. This won't do you a damn bit of good, but it will help keep him away from the rest of us. So, you're in love with a narcissist. That is SO cool; I'm guessing these are probably the best days of your life. Yeah, they have their foibles, but aren't they so emotionally satisfying, and just fun, fun, fun? "Usually above-average intelligence..." Compared to what? They have abilities and can perform necessary tasks just like any other psychopathic lunatic, I'll give them that. But these people are the stupidest people on Earth. There is ZERO depth to their awareness. Let's take your last conversation with him. Did you come away feeling enlightened? Enriched? Like you'd 'shared?' Or like you'd just tried to speak with a drunken baboon vaunting an attitude problem? Was it a mutually beneficial exchange of ideas, opinions or feelings, or was it you being sane and trying to make the simplest of points and him copping a defensive stance that would make the Iraqi Army jealous, using doublespeak and laughable (if they weren't so ugly) non sequiturs designed to flummox you and make him look victorious? IQ aside, only a moron would take a clear statement such as, "You contradicted yourself, and I need to know what you really meant," and internally process it thusly: 'RED ALERT! RED ALERT! Attack! Assault! Oh, so I'm contradicting myself, eh? You think I'm just a contradicting, know-nothing, argumentative horse turd, eh? You think I'm just a worthless dumb-ass jerk, eh? Well, I'll show you! I'LL GET YOU FOR THAT!' Look at him with love and devotion and say, "I need to know what you mean when you say, 'This relationship is a side-track event.' Do you understand?" He'll look like a deer caught in your headlights, and then collect himself and say, "Of course I understand. You're confused by facts and logic." Hmm. Brainy. "Seeks out adulation..." Here's where some of us trip up. We love giving love, and love it when it's well-received. Here's the fact of it: It ain't love they want. Love is deep. Narcissists have the depth of a sidewalk mud puddle. They only want love to the extent that it looks like worship. They like, "Oh, I just loved the way you parked the car. How do you do that, always so straight and just the right distance from the house (moonstruck looks, starry eyes)?" They hate, "I love you, and I was wondering if you thought about the future." Even if that's presented after 12 years together, you're on a romantic boat trip and you're pregnant, it will be processed thusly: "RED ALERT! RED ALERT! Assault! Attack! You want to rip away my freedom, eh? Tell me what to do, eh? You think I can just be your puppet? You think YOU should be the one to make these decisions? Well, I'LL GET YOU FOR THAT!" And they do. Oh, they do. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Cost-Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/