Love vs Hate

45 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Jun 9 - 5AM
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Love vs Hate

Im a bit sick of people saying the opposite to love is indifference . The opposite to love must be hate . With love you want the best for that person but with hate you want the worst ,they are complete opposites .I cant ever see a time that i will be indifferent to my wank face narc , in fact i hope i will hate him for ever , it is my protection from him .
I think that it shows yet more pressure on the victim to just "get over it " to be "indifferent to him "
Its ok to hate , hate heals .
Scoop x

Jun 9 - 3PM
NoNarcingZone
NoNarcingZone's picture

Definitely a thin line

Between Love & Hate. It didn't take long to realize it's the only emotion my NH knew. His music of choice said it all. Korn. Staind..."The Way I am"... When I'm trying so hard just to beat you I'm not really good @ controlling my fate I'm not really good @ my anger I'm not really good @ subduing my hate Blend in a little "Schizophrenic Conversations" (his fav). Shake & VOILA...a psychopath! The lyrics to ALL of his music screams HATE. He once said I made him who he is. Ha! I laughed in his face & asked if he'd forgetten who he was dealing with. Not the typical dunces he'd plowed through. Dude, you were damaged loooong before me! It's irreparable I hate him. I've told him I'll NEVER how him any respect. I can't believe I ever loved this man. My balls are bigger than his will ever be! I DO love the beautiful child I made with him. =) ------------------------------------------------ A gamester, the greater master he is in his art, the worse man he is. Francis Bacon (1561-1626)

-------------------------------------------
"Soldier, don't confuse your rank with MY authority!"

Jun 10 - 8AM (Reply to #41)
AnotherPath
AnotherPath's picture

NoNarcingZone

Hi, Just wondered how the co-parenting (if you can call it that) is going? The other morning after a visitation our little children 4 and 7 came back and said, Dad says you're on drugs and that he wanted to leave you but you said you'd take all his money and won't let him see us. 1) he was always in debt 2) I left him when he was arrested 3) I don't do drugs 4) here I am trying to defend myself again rather than being able to brush it off like my friends have said I should do, and not let it affect me. I'd like to get to that point but it's difficult when it comes through the children. They know it's all shite anyway. At these moments I feel a huge swell of hatred coming up through my body. I thought it had gone away but it's still there lurking inside when something happens with the children, but then that is the only contact between myself and that batterer.

Ending the dance

Jun 12 - 2AM (Reply to #44)
Empathy
Empathy's picture

Wow - same here!!

my narc hole said the SAME things to my kids both a similar age. It shows he is losing control and has to project onto others. It is a real shame the kids have to be involved in this and there is nothing u can do... he will continue to do it and mess with their heads. My kids were so messed up by it I will forever be trying to deal with it. We can only hope the narc dies or is killed very soon.
Jun 12 - 2AM (Reply to #42)
NoNarcingZone
NoNarcingZone's picture

AnotherPath

You're entitled to that feeling. Own it. He's telling your children lies - using them to get to you. You naturally want to lash out in response to him, but don't bother. Have you asked them how it feels to hear such bad things said about Mommy? Try to make light of it. If it comes up again, say something like: "How silly, perhaps Daddy is a little upset because Mommy does't care to play (w/him) anymore." Geez! He's an ass for even mentioning, let alone, suggesting drug use. Malicious! So sorry about the anguish & confusion this must be causing. Don't participate in the slander. Ns aren't worth defending yourself TO. Defend yourself AGAINST him. I also have 2 (1 yr & 20 yrs). The break-up w/my eldest child's father (clearly not the N) was normal & we co-parented well. But w/my 1 y/o...the NH could care less. He'd rage whenever I left him (before I KNEW that there was something wrong w/HIM), he'd say "You're not worth my explaining how much I love my child!" Whatta crock! Not once had he ever asked how the baby was when we were apart. I've been NC now since Feb. The baby's vocabulary consists of only a few words & she can't conjugate: "Daddy, I adore you" just yet. Therefore, he has no use for either of us...for now. He's deploying to the middle east in a few weeks. He'll be dodging bullets (his words from Iraq) & hovering (us) for supply, I imagine. Good luck w/that dude! Just envelope your children in so much love & affection - that it repels the N's toxicity. (I'd like to call him myself & blow his eardrum out about pitting his children against their Mom by use of slander!) He should be silent w/his track record. SOB! Pardon the lengthiness. Stay strong AnotherPath. Stand firm in our NC pact!

-------------------------------------------
"Soldier, don't confuse your rank with MY authority!"

Jun 13 - 5PM (Reply to #43)
AnotherPath
AnotherPath's picture

NoNarcingZone

Thanks for your advice. Next time he lies, which obviously he will, to the children i will be more prepared. In fact I don't know why I wasn't more prepared a while ago he told them I beat him up. Hello, you've got the criminal record, I've got the pictures of bruises from various times and they know he's a liar they saw him punching my head and face. But yes, I have to be more prepared and have less emotions in front of them. I like the bit: How silly, perhaps Daddy is a little upset because Mommy does't care to play (w/him) anymore. I'll do this next time, that'll really work for me and then I'll just change the topic. Thanks

Ending the dance

Jun 9 - 12PM
broken23
broken23's picture

I believe to hate someone at

I believe to hate someone at somepoint you must have loved them. Hate is indeed a strong emotion and everyone may not have it, but i do. Indifference would mean i dont care if he lives well or moves on or is someone elses problem. But i do care. And I want him to suffer and be gone from this earth. I have always believed in everyone has good in them...until now. I refuse to believe it...I have seen evil. There is no good in someone who throws you out of a car, beats you head into a wall and steps on your stomach. There is no good in someone who caused me to lose your unborn. I want revenge, justice, peace....whatever you want to call it for the wrongs done to me. It may not be healthy to hold on to hate, but i dont know how not to. I think like narcnarc, even when he is dead, i can still hate him. Wow now i am crying, and this really triggered my hate once again
Jun 9 - 1PM (Reply to #39)
passionatebutterfly
passionatebutterfly's picture

omg Broken, I am so so

omg Broken, I am so so sorry. I would hate too if someone like that was in my life. You are right....that is pure evil and someone like that does not have any good in them. Some of our situations here are so so different. I can't even begin to imagine. I am truly sorry. Jennyxoxo
Jun 9 - 11AM
narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

God HATES.......

be not deceived....GOD Himself HATES.....HE HATES EVIL...... and those who love God are required to HATE EVIL..... Romans 12:9 - Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good. Note that proper love requires us to abhor evil. Psalms 97:10 - You who love the Lord, hate evil! Proverbs 8:13 - The fear of the Lord is to hate evil; Pride and arrogance and the evil way and the perverse mouth I hate. i could go on for hours......but i won't........ like i said... i was born into a religious cult....i'm washed in the blood, but rinsed off the BULLSHIT years ago......
Jun 9 - 1PM (Reply to #37)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

narcnarc

i'm washed in the blood, but rinsed off the BULLSHIT years ago... LOL!! you always bring a smile to my face with your honesty & humor ~~~~~~~~~ Effective Coaching Specifically for Victims of Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
Jun 9 - 8AM
aceonelady
aceonelady's picture

pissed too....

I am angry and ppissed at the moment....i feel like a tank that wants to roll over him....But what i really want is to not feel a thing about him anymore,to not care if he lives or die...just to feel how he feels about me....indifferent.cold like a brick wall....

Aceonelady

Jun 13 - 5PM (Reply to #35)
AnotherPath
AnotherPath's picture

aceonelady

I used to visualise when I was first out, that I would gaffer tape his mouth sit him in a chair and smash a baseball bat to his head until his head came off. When I see him now, I can honestly say that sometimes it doesn't bother me at all, although out of the blue sometimes I mutter all sorts of nasty swear words under my breath as I wait in the car to pick the kids up. But it's not anywhere near the violent thoughts I used to have, so I think this does become less as time goes on.

Ending the dance

Jun 9 - 10AM (Reply to #31)
hitandrun
hitandrun's picture

Complete Hatred

I wish I were indifferent. But I HATE this man. Can't remember ever hating like this. I truly wish the worst for him. Not like me at all.
Jun 9 - 1PM (Reply to #34)
enoughalready
enoughalready's picture

Hate

I despise my XN and only wish the worse for him. I don't ever want to see him nor hear from him for the rest of my life. I just want to have myself back again. The way I use to view people and trust what they say is "truth". The way I use to be happy and giving to others. It's like I've been under a black cloud for 5 yrs.
Jun 9 - 10AM (Reply to #32)
happydaysahead
happydaysahead's picture

Well........

I could never hate HIM, but I do hate what he did to me. I am having a bad day today actually. Not sure if I am angry, sad or what !! All I know is that I am a fairly religious person, not a bible thumper though. And I was brought up to believe that you treat people the way you want to be treated. Uhm, ok......and where exactly has that gotten me ?? They say God only gives you as much as you can handle and everything happens for a reason. Well, what the f*ck lesson have I learned or been taught ?? I am the one left feeling like a nobody while he goes on with his life without a care in the world. I'm the one left picking up the pieces and trying not only to convince myself that I did nothing wrong but also left with the burden of convincing my son that he did nothing wrong, as well. It just all really bothers me. I consider myself a good person and I certainly did not deserve this and if God was trying to teach me some sort of lesson, why did it take him 6 years to teach it to me ?? I am just in a very discouraged and emotional mood today. Hope I did not offend anyone.
Jun 9 - 10AM (Reply to #33)
hitandrun
hitandrun's picture

happydaysahead

You did not offend me one bit. I am fairly religious,too, and do not have any idea why God would allow this to happen. To allow a disordered person's business to become an overnight success while I struggle to make a living. This ordeal is supposed to make me stronger? All it is doing is making me sick. Thankful I do not have a child. I know life isn't fair, but this is beyond my comprehension. Having a terrible day myself. My heart goes out to you, happydaysahead. And I wish God would do something for us instead of the Narcs.
Jun 9 - 8AM
narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

GETTING IN TOUCH WITH OUR ANGER..........

anger is a GOOD thing......and HATRED can be too.......here is a book i HIGHLY RECOMMEND....written BY women FOR women.... http://www.angerproject.com/adv_bk.html MEN don't want women to be angry.....SOCIETY doesn't want women to be angry......because ANGRY women are difficult to control.....to manipulate...and to CON......... women need to get angry...and stay angry.....that uncomfortable feeling some women claim to have when they're angry........that's not the ANGER, girls.....that's the GUILT over being angry.......instilled in us by MEN and SOCIETY........ I'M PISSED......AND I'M PROUD......
Jun 10 - 10AM (Reply to #28)
janetc
janetc's picture

narcnarc

Thanks for this and the link narcnarc....I agree with you~ I tried to be the "good little wife, and good Christian" and went to counseling. Unfortunately, most pastors have NO training in pathology, and NO training in counseling either, and for me the results were disastrous and I continued far longer being victimized. Not until I got really good and MAD and angry, did I start to reclaim my life.

Janet

Jun 10 - 10AM (Reply to #29)
narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

ANGRY women are FREE women....

we didn't get the VOTE by sitting around simpering and chanting positive affirmations....women busted ASS...got stoned...jailed...beaten...so that we can vote today!!!... they were ANGRY.....and they got out there and changed this country!!.... if it hadn't been for ANGER...this country wouldn't exist...and people would still own slaves....andthere would have been no change in the Civil Rights Laws.....and the Vietnam War would probalby still be raging on!! WELL BEHAVED WOMEN SELDOM MAKE HISTORY...or even get out of a bad relationship!!........
Jun 9 - 8PM (Reply to #24)
running
running's picture

anger

On some days, it's the anger that gets me through, and I've been extremely angry since last week, I found out he gave me an STD. The anger isn't working form me any more. I can't fight this one, I don't even want to get out of bed anymore, and I'm back to crying all the time again. I thought I was moving forward, then ...BAM! I find this out. What's next? Did you all know that Love is a verb? The feeling is not love, it's the result of love. Love is something you do, giving of yourself, making sacrifices, wanting to help and give support. These Narcs did not love us, they didn't sacrifice anything for us. But I bet most of us sacrificed and gave and gave and gave...what did we get? Sorry to be so negative, I really really thought I was moving forward, I think this was the straw that just might break me.
Jun 10 - 7AM (Reply to #25)
ewa
ewa's picture

Running

Please give yourself time. He probably doesnt know about his STD - i found out my exN was not to much worried about this or at least pretended he is not. I hope is nothing seriouse.It is shocking when we find out that the people we love and care for are treating us like shit. That is why we react and feel like our world broke apart. But believe me with time you will see things differently. I was in the position you are now. I am not 100% fine but i feel so much better after i understood that there is no way N will change and i have to stop fighting for him. I am slowly going forward,step by step. Take a small steps and work on yourself and I promise if you do this you will feel fine soon ( i don't use the word very good - because it requires much more time). Very important is to put yourself a goal for doing which you can weak up every morning. For example i wanted to loose weight, i lost 5 kg in 4 months by every day exercises and South Beach diet and people started to say that i do look just great. It meant alot - i felt much more self confident. But you know is just an example. If there is sth you would like to change about yourself put it as a goal. Or maybe there is some activity you always wanted to do...I hoped it could work aslo for you. Stay with us and keep us up to date with what is happening in your life :). We are here for you!
Jun 10 - 8AM (Reply to #26)
running
running's picture

Thank you ewa

I actually have to get out of bed in the morning, I have a young daughter to take care of and a business to run. I'll stop wallowing in self pity soon, It was just such a shock to find out about this stupid std. I'm just so upset over it, it could be a lot worse I suppose, it's not going to kill me, it just really pisses me off. It sounds like you're really working hard to make things better for yourself, you should be proud of that, it sounds like you have a lot going for you. Thanks again!
Jun 10 - 9AM (Reply to #27)
ewa
ewa's picture

:)

You have a daughter :) its really great, you have somebody to live for :)! My mind was really in shit, the exN controlled me even when he was not with me, but each day makes me stronger, i am slowly getting full control over my life. This forum really showed me the reality and i finally understood that better be alone then lonely with N.
Jun 9 - 8AM
enoughalready
enoughalready's picture

love/hate

I agree love is opposite of hate. Hate is a strong word and I've used it only in regards w/ XN. But I do know, I feel indifferent when I don't care about someone who has hurt me. Being indifferent w/ someone means they no longer affect how I feel. They are no longer in my thoughts and in my mind. If I saw my XN on the street, I would ignore him as if I never knew him but I would still feel a sting, some type of bad emotion. I can't wait til I feel absolutely nothing if I were to see him at the gym again. Hate? We tend to be the forgiving type, as to why I feel narcs choose us. if my XN killed my child,my family, friend or pet-i would hate him forever. I do believe if we hold on to hate, we won't be able to grow spiritually within ourselves. Forgive? Well, that's another issue in itself, an issue I struggle with daily. How could I ever forgive my XN for what he's done to me when I have a hard time forgiving myself for allowing him. And still-when I talk about him, like now, it brings a terrible feeling inside and darkens this beautiful day.
Jun 9 - 8AM (Reply to #22)
Steph
Steph's picture

I'm with you

I like indifference because it means they no longer have any power over my emotions. .....but forgiveness.....no. I have read crap about how you have to forgive in order to move on and let go. I don't agree. I will never give forgiveness to anyone that has used and abused me. Never.
Jun 9 - 8AM
narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

i agree Scoop.........

the opposite of love is HATRED...... "Intense animosity or hostility" i hate the psycho....hate even now that he's dead...... i embrace my HATRED of him....... i celebrate my HATRED of him.. screw that 'get over it' crap........
Jun 9 - 8AM (Reply to #19)
Steph
Steph's picture

I've been through shit but

I've been through shit but nothing close to what you have experienced. Every time I think of your story, it makes my stomache flip. A neighbour threatened to hit my little dog one day because she was barking and it still makes me mad thinking of it. I cannot even begin to imagine how you must feel for what happened to your Ben....and the many other disgusting things he did. My heart goes out to you.
Jun 9 - 8AM (Reply to #20)
narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

no forgiveness.......

even if he not been a raging psychopath...just your run of the mill mental case, and had begged me for forgiveness of his deathbed......i would have spit in his face....... believe me.....psychopaths and narcs don't feel much....but they do feel HATRED that other people have for them.....and it EATS THEM UP..... the psycho knew i HATED him...he could FEEL it.....and it was the one thing i know of that actually BOTHERED him....being DESPISED...by anyone..... it cut right through his armor... i make a point to still tell him everyday.....that i HATE HIS GUTS....and that i hope to follow him into Hell...and spend eternity sitting beside him.......HATING HIS GUTS.......
Jun 9 - 7AM
Steph
Steph's picture

Anger definately helps

Anger definately helps propel you forward, I think. The hate though, I can't hang on to it. My first N did more nasty things to me than my last ( I was also with him 6 years longer lol) and I feel complete indifference to him. I hope to get to indifference with this last one. I definately don't forgive either of them....but I don't like hanging on to hate either. Makes me exhausted and sick.
Jun 9 - 6AM
ewa
ewa's picture

:)

I feel anger, but i can not hate..Maybe some people just can't hate..I do not even wish to hate. But i think is ok to, depending what helps.
Jun 9 - 6AM (Reply to #11)
passionatebutterfly
passionatebutterfly's picture

Maybe I'm not sure what hate

Maybe I'm not sure what hate is exactly......I know I had contempt for him and anger. Is that hate? Jennyxoxo