Lulu's story

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#1 Jan 31 - 5PM
Lulu_2014
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Lulu's story

First of all, I am thankful that I came across this site! I've just read the "Surviving a Narcissist" book and embarking on step 2 - sharing my story.

I met N in August of 2010 and my first impression was "what a player." Very charming and charismatic, we attended many business luncheons and suppers during the next few months. N asked me to go out with him in October and I went with my gut instinct and said no, until November 1, 2010.

N was very funny, attentive and attractive. Many close friends and family who knew him, warned me of his unattractive ways such as false sense of entitlement, drug abuse history, cheating ways. I defended N as he was ten months sober, had recently lost both parents and confessed to being a serial cheater but he changed ! He and his family all despised his exes for they were all evil wicked women.. Hmmm In hindsight that was the hugest red flag to run. Also, N made himself sound proud of his cheating ways and drug abuse

Although his words were full of "love" and texts and calls were very frequent , he was not intimate physically. No hand holding, kissing, touching yet the sex was very uninhibited.

He quit his job 8 months after we stared dating and he joined my business as a sales rep. We made a good sales team however when I was elected into a full time local government position ten months later, I needed him to step up and take the reigns of the business. I continued doing the majority of the business myself and when I complained he would lavish me with compliments and humour. After one year I sold my business to a close friend who hired knew staff. He continued to "talk" about working. I helped him pay his child support until he got on his feet. How can someone be so convincing?

When out in public or when we were making business presentations, he flirted with women and acted single. He would say don't worry about it, I am with you and you and I are a great team. Doesn't matter what those women think, they will buy off me if I use my charm. Many would call him to share personal non-work related issues with him. I noticed he would not answer when I was with him. He would not use the office phone only his cell to call certain women . He charmed his way or used humour when I would call him on this. As though I was crazy. He would often say, your confidence is what attracted me to you.

His ex-wife pulled access to his kids a year and a half after we started dating. She had just found out we were dating when we were actually all ready living together. He used to have monthly dinners with his kids and ex which I supported thinking he had made it known to them that I existed and we lived together. I have a healthy relationship with my son's dad, where both his (me ex) and My family attend functions for my son. We are not friends or enemies, we co-parent our son. My ex husband met N and we all attended my sons birthdays and hockey games. N said he wished for that kind of relationship with his ex, therefore I supported his visits believing they worked on having a relationship similar to that with my ex husband.

He and his ex wanted to attend family counselling as their son was exhibiting problems in school. I supported him, as I had done the same with my son and ex and it helped my son tremendously, we lived two hours from his ex and he needed to go visit them (his kids and ex) to help them deal with counselling issues. I "put" my foot down and told him if he left to see her then he may as well take his belongings and move there as I was not putting up with that. He left . I boxed up his belongings and left for a three day business trip, N knew where my meetings were and actually found me at my hotel about midnight calling me from the guest phone and begging me to let home in. That's was my first BIG chance I gave him or time I allowed N to see that I could threaten and he could charm his way back. I started being more suspicious of his relationship with his ex.
There were many times I questioned his avoiding his ex's calls if I was there. and started noticing he would erase texts . My suspicions grew and I would question him and snoop his texts and checking our phone bill. I tracked calls and texts which was another HUGE red flag.

In June 2012, I made him move out, I was very busy with my job and was currently selling my business. I told him that I was removing myself from his life and he could choose who he wanted. Up until this time, he claimed all his dealings with his ex pertained to his kids. I started finding out how he was visiting them or having her pick him up when he needed a ride and I had enough. I also learned that the counselling was just he and his ex. I lasted ten days... He called and texted all day saying he missed me he loved me he couldn't live without me. We reunited and we made rules. All contact with her would be in my presence, or shared with me.

I travelled extensively that summer taking my son or my adult daughters. N came with us and tried to convince me that this should be a honeymoon trip even though he was not an intimate person and still pretended to be single. He wanted me alone. We barely spent time with the kids during these trips other than the travel days.

I golfed a lot with N, who would roll his eyes if I made a poor shot. His friend called me a few days later after golfing with us and told me he did not like the way N treated me . I felt embarrassed and weak and stupid.

In September 2012, he left his email open and at 3 am one sleepless night , I searched his ex, I found out that they had been having sex during our ten day break in June. My gut tells me it was a lot longer. His ex was the one who actually confesses to me, not him. We broke up and for six weeks he called. He would find me at my meetings and wait for me outside buildings or at my vehicle. In my crazy thinking state I accepted his apologies and believed his promises that we would attend counselling, everything would be better, I was the best thing to happen to him. I came into his life when his parents died and showed him how to love again. I accepted his proposal with the ring I bought myself, now that is so sad. My family was devastated when we announced our engagement, honestly it was like someone died. When we announced to his family they rejoiced . Aggggghhhhhh I am screaming as I write this .because now as I write it is so obvious and toxic and embarrassing. We moved into together until January 2013. From October 2013 to January 2014, he was with me 24/7, I could not breathe. He refused to work, he needed to be with me and he was always looking for work and looking after me. When I went to meetings he would come walk me to the meeting room and text through out asking who is all there. I was suffocating. I had become the person I did not like, the person controlled by someone insecure. Oh my, in leadership I was doing very well and I thought it all a farce. He used this on me a lot. My son could not stand him and one day told me "mom I can't believe you are teaching me to disrespect you by allowing this man to live off you and abuse you. You taught me and my sisters such a string with ethic yet you allow a grown man to do what we have never been allowed to do. Mom I heard him talking to his ex last summer about setting up sex dates. Mom I cannot see you do this. " My son was depressed and asked to go to the hospital because my situation was making him more depressed. He cried and said this is the hardest thing I have ever told you." N and my son had words and I could not believe how N spoke to my son. My son struck him and I told N to leave. For my sons sanity and my own I left with my son (who was hospitalized for ten days) and told N to leave. My son and I spent ten days in therapy, together and individual. I thank my son for having the courage to tell me.

Since February 1, 2013, N has continued to text, call and see me. I saw him in February, March, October, December for sex and I hate myself for that. My son found a text N had sent me and was so hurt that I didn't value myself enough. My son has taught me so much. This Christmas I spent with my family. My parents, nieces, kids, and siblings . They all told me how they felt about my relationship with N and how grateful they were that it was over.

He was burned in a tragic fire this summer and his family asked me to visit. That was one way I got sucked back in. He started actually working for once in his life in November and wired me money a few times to pay me back for supporting him. Another way he got back in. I feel so awful about being duped by him again and again. My last contact wig him was two days ago when he lost his job and told me don't worry bebe I will be back on my feet and win you back.

Over this past year, I have changed my number 3 times and ended up giving it to him usually through one of his family members. I blocked him from social media and email and after reading the book yesterday, I blocked him from my iPhone. There is much more I have written in my journal about N and his devious narcissistic ways. I found out he cheated with two women that I know of. I have spent this last year being "nice" to him attempting to find out "why" he cheated, why he never kissed me, why he smothered me after our big break, why why why.

I have a friend who actually grew up with N, N was a star hockey player in his youth and according to his late parents he did no wrong. They bailed him out of trouble time and again. This explained how he put others down yet acted entitled to special treatment. He after spoke about his hockey skills and I would say wasn't that when you were 16. I have a cousin who played in the NHL and he would compare himself to my cousin as though they were both professional athletes. This friend of mine also said N would always brag to his buddies about his conquests and talk about women as objects.

My son is doing well and I thank him for teaching me to walk my talk.

I really need help with keeping him blocked, as I have blocked him in the past for a day or two and end up thinking I will unblock him, I just won't respond.
Also on how to avoid him when I feel lonely. Reading the book has helped me tremendously however this past year has shown me that I need support. I so ashamed and embarrassed to tell my closest friends (I have two) that I have had contact with him and had met him a few times. My friends and family have all told me they will support me by travelling with me if need be, as his stalker ways scared us all.

Thank you for this site!

Feb 1 - 3AM
StrongasDandelion
StrongasDandelion's picture

I could not believe how N spoke to my son

Feb 2 - 9PM (Reply to #3)
Lulu_2014
Lulu_2014's picture

Thank you,

Feb 2 - 3PM (Reply to #2)
Hopeandpray
Hopeandpray's picture

Thank you for sharing