on the mainland

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#1 Apr 3 - 9PM

ms_jeeves

on the mainland

Hi Everyone,

I'm back on the mainland to take care of a few things that were tied up because of this mess. I'm in Washington state, where we both used to live. He has moved to DC in the meantime so there's no chance I will run into him. However, it's *really* painful to be here. Tons of memories, it all makes the betrayal more real.

Going NC is not a problem for me, I don't have any way to get ahold of him since he's moved and he won't answer email. I wish I had gone NC some months before this disaster hit my life... so that I would not have fallen for the pity party story that he gave me.

I'm not sure what to do. I fill my time with sobs. I'm only here for another day and then will fly to see my parents for a couple of days before getting back here to visit friends... then back to Guam... at least until I can find a job back here on the mainland.

I'm angrier than I can possibly believe over what happened and that he had the arrogance to do this.

I am thinking about suing him for fraud but know that it's a really impossible battle and it will keep me linked to him... when I just want this nightmare to be over.

Incidentally, I did get his mom to respond to an email from me(I think I mentioned it before). She thinks I need to move on and that if I want this nightmare to be over that I should stop asking questions about what how he could have lied the way he did.

Give me a break. It's been 6 weeks since I found out that he was cheating me and cheating on me: I moved to Guam (where I have no social system) and I am out a lot of money. I don't think it would be possible for anyone to find peace about that in six weeks.

I think I'm just venting... struggling with how to fill my time in a hotel room with just me and my broken dreams. I never in a million years saw this coming 6 months ago.

#2 Apr 4 - 7PM

Barbara (not verified)

Nparents/ Toxic Parents

There was a story here in the NYC area of the mother of L.I. Police Officer who paid an ex-con to slash and almost kill his ex-girlfriend. The evidence was overwhelming and the ex-con flipped on the guy. The guy's mother is still swearing her son is a good person. I know from dealing with other parents at my children's schools - Pathological parents contribute to the problem HEAVILY by condoning their "perfect child's" behavior. Another reason to hold them accountable. mrs_jeeves - even if you don't win on INTENTIONAL INFLICTION... charges - they will be on his record! That's huge. And as an ex-paralegal I can tell you 98% of attorneys LOVE to "talk people out of" charges they feel are too much work for them. IMHO - I'd tell the attorney to file, it's YOUR dime - and let him twist. You don't think the charges are outrageous enough? Getting you to move to GUAM? are you kidding? He should pick up every dime it cost you to move there, move your stuff there and all THERAPY costs! And that's pretty OUTRAGEOUS & EGREGIOUS in my book. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ My site: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Free articles & information on surviving & understanding abusive behavior. Updated daily.

#3 Apr 5 - 2AM (Reply to #15)

ms_jeeves

you know... I would have

you know... I would have been happy with an apology! Even today that would go a long way towards healing. I know it will never come... admitting his cruelty and cowardice would destroy his image of himself and the carefully created world that they all have... the one where he's a big successful hero.

#4 Apr 5 - 2AM (Reply to #16)

Barbara (not verified)

apologies

Yes, an apology would have gone a long way for me too. But: http://www.ippnj.org/mcwilliams1.html Don't hold your breath. Instead of apologies they project blame. Evil. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ My site: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Free articles & information on surviving & understanding abusive behavior. Updated daily.

#5 Apr 5 - 4AM (Reply to #17)

ms_jeeves

All those tactics sound way

All those tactics sound way too familiar. I know an apology is not possible.

#6 Apr 4 - 2AM

Barbara (not verified)

I totally get it

Yes, I remember that DEEP SHOCK. Feeling numb Feeling like you are sleepwalking Everything - places, sounds, smells, clothes - something reminds you of him and his betrayal. Especially when you put a bunch of them back together. Where you are now = reality Memories of his B.S. = unreality Layered on top of one another it is disorienting. It will take a long long while. I was like that for months and just when I thought I was better? It got bad again. I went away with the kids for 7 weeks and let their aunt deal with them while I was taking Valium on top of Zoloft and sleeping. A lot. Now I take a very dose of Zoloft daily - Valium only as needed and it's been about 8 months since I needed it. That and a great therapist helped me tremendously. As much you want that shock to go away fast it just doesn't. It's PTSD - what you're feeling and just keep reminding yourself you won't be there forever. I have actually talked a few women into suing for INTENTIONAL INFLICTION OF EMOTIONAL DISTRESS. It's hard because the N and their lawyer throw all this "scorned woman" and "psycho bitch" stuff at you. Lawyers really don't want to deal with this but a couple women I know found theirs and are going for me. Personally, I am 110% behind them. Why? 1. It helps educate the public about this pathology. It's a scourge and no one wants to either talk about or acknowledge it. It's killing victims; inside and out. 2. I absolutely firmly believe we need to HOLD THEM ACCOUNTABLE. Once you take a stand it's an upstream swim against a heavy tide but there's no way I could live with myself if I didn't abide by truth and stick up for myself. I am not a strong person. I have daughters... for them I need to be one of those women that says "you don't get to do this to us and just walk away like it never happened." ~~~~~~~~~~~~ My site: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Free articles & information on surviving & understanding abusive behavior. Updated daily.

#7 Apr 4 - 10AM (Reply to #13)

ms_jeeves

Thanks! I hadn't heard of

Thanks! I hadn't heard of "intentional infliction of emotional distress" before but just started reading about this. ... just to provide information to anyone else reading this and contemplating it... it requires: In order for a claim of intentional infliction of emotional distress to go forward, the following must be proven: 1. The conduct by the defendant was outrageous or extreme 2. The defendant, by intention or reckless disregard, caused the emotional distress 3. The plaintiff did, indeed suffer emotional distress 4. The proximate cause of the emotional distress was by the defendant's actions It sounds as if it is very hard to do to show "outrageous or extreme" because the courts want to avoid lawsuits from every jilted lover. I don't think my case would qualify but I will ask a lawyer. I also agree that we need to hold them accountable.

#8 Apr 3 - 11PM

Barbara (not verified)

his mother

another waste of skin. nothing beats being proud of raising a son who uses & exploits women. I know I'd be proud (NOT) Here's something for you mrs_jeeves: http://narc-attack.blogspot.com/2008/01/narcissist-sympathsizers-iq-test.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~ My site: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Free articles & information on surviving & understanding abusive behavior. Updated daily.

#9 Apr 4 - 10AM (Reply to #10)

better off

I immediately think of Scott

I immediately think of Scott Peterson's parents, ya know?

#10 Apr 4 - 10AM (Reply to #11)

ms_jeeves

I know! I understand that

I know! I understand that blood is thicker than water, but... Right when I found out what happened, my mom said, "his parents must be horrified." Ummm... no! They weren't at all! I guess I don't know what they are saying to each other or to him ...

#11 Apr 4 - 12AM (Reply to #2)

ms_jeeves

Hey Barbara, Thanks! I am

Hey Barbara, Thanks! I am so frustrated by this whole thing and I agree that nothing beats being proud of raising a son who uses and exploits women. Ugggh.... soon I get to fly to see my parents though... the first time in TWO MONTHS I have seen a familiar face. I'm in too many tears and too jet-lagged to bother my friends here right now (I was only here for 18 months and so they're good friends but not long-time friends... it's hard to lean on people when you are falling to pieces). I will see them next week on my way back to Guam. It was a really lousy time for him to keep up the pretense that he wanted me on Guam with him while he was sleeping with someone else.... and it was especially evil for him to tell me about his tears on his submarine. I fell for his pity play and, now, more than ever, I am in deep shock. I thought the last six weeks were bad but right now, while it's all immediate and in my face with familiar places, it's terrifying. I know this is a temporary thing and this week, in the long run, will be very healing. But it's a total nightmare right now. On Guam, it's only 3:30 in the afternoon. I have to convince myself that it's time to get to bed and deal with the things I have to deal with on Saturday.

#12 Apr 4 - 10AM (Reply to #6)

better off

Hugs to you...I wouldn't

Hugs to you...I wouldn't feel bad about leaning on friends. A total STRANGER would feel compassion for what just happened to you. It's like the stuff they make movies about. I guess I come from the opposite side of the coin...I'm not a big one for suing these people or "holding them accountable." Fuck him. I think it just keeps your pain alive and keeps them at the center of who you are, which is exactly how they like it. The best revenge is living well. I believe that. It's the MOST bitter pill of all to swallow, to think they "got away with it." But shit, their whole life is one big meaningless charade. You could "punish" them to your heart's delight, and they still won't think they ever did anything wrong to you. You can't inflict anything truly on a hollow man. Except to recover and live a great life without them and be glad you did. I think that's the only thing that could "hurt" them. You've only had six weeks though..so expect to feel a huge rollercoaster of emotions. It's like any other kind of grief...decision making is very difficult when we are reeling from the shock. Anyway...everyone has to make their own decisions about what is the best course for healing. These men are alike, but the circumstances are different for each of us. Just keep taking good care of yourself, because you deserve it.

#13 Apr 4 - 10AM (Reply to #7)

ms_jeeves

Thanks! I do agree that the

Thanks! I do agree that the best revenge is living well... and I really am trying to do that... but for me... he won't ever be in contact with me again and so he won't ever know or care how I'm doing. I completely know what you mean about "punishing" them and they still won't "get it" or see what they did wrong. It's fairly stunning how alike they all are and how much damage they do. I know that they don't worry about shame and so that's why they act badly... I think some are willing to act"just" within what the law allows and that's what keeps them in check (unlike Scott Peterson, these guys are smart enough to know that they could be caught in their lies). So, I'm curious about what the law has to say about this because a few cases like this *could* check a few more of these men and that's good. Also, I really am out a fair bit of money because of this disaster and in this economy, that's not trivial. On the other hand, I don't want to be tied up emotionally over this for a long time. I agree with not making any decisions quickly. It's a huge roller coaster and a frightening one. Thank you all for your support!

#14 Apr 4 - 11AM (Reply to #8)

better off

I know he won't know how

I know he won't know how you're doing...although you might be surprised about that...but I just mean that's the best way of not "letting them win." OTOH...going after them means they DO KNOW that it's still alive for you, and in their universe that adds to "their power" or their idea of it, I mean. Like I said though, everybody's case is different, and you really did suffer financially, etc. Fraud is the word that comes to mind. Hey!! Do you guys remember when Renee Zellweger married Kenny Chesney...and they got divorced really quickly, but she got an annulment and based it on "fraud" and everyone was like WTF does that mean? I just now remembered that. And there were rumors that maybe it was because he was gay or something. OMG...he idolized her and wrote the song You Had Me At Hello, just from seeing her in Jerry Maguire (character study in narcissism with false ending)...and they had a whirlwind courtship and got married really fast...and then...annulment based on fraud. Hmmm. I think we all might have a bit in common with Miss Zellweger. Interesting thought. Okay that was off-topic, I'm sorry!! I so hate what you're going through. It really is unbelievable. Is Guam at least an pretty place? Can you sit on the beach? Maybe we should all have a support group meeting there. ;)

#15 Apr 4 - 5PM (Reply to #9)

ms_jeeves

Guam is a beautiful place!

Guam is a beautiful place! :-) A support group meeting on Guam would be wonderful! There are beaches to sit on and everyone is very friendly. The problem is ... Guam is at the end of the world. It's a 4 hour flight from Tokyo (and Tokyo is a 9 hour flight from Seattle) or it's an 8 hour flight from Hawaii. It's also insanely expensive to get there. I had some things to deal with today in WA and driving around about broke my heart because of all the memories it triggered. I've been absolutely howling in my car. Now that I'm done with what I needed to do, I've retreated to my hotel room. I leave early in the morning to fly to the midwest to see my parents for a couple of days and I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to that. I'm not young (in my 40's) but I still can't wait to get "home" and touch base with my life. Part of what I had to do today involved getting some stuff out of a storage unit that had his name on it (all my stuff and I don't want to lose it to him too). I'm having a moving company deliver it to my "hometown." When we opened the storage unit, I got quite teary and the driver of the moving truck told me that people often have a hard time with moves. He said that it couldn't be as bad as the move he did last week where a woman's husband left her for a woman he met over the internet. ACK!!! I gave him the "two-sentence" version of my story and he just stared at me in shock. Anyway, I do remember the Rene Zellweger story!

#16 Apr 4 - 12AM (Reply to #3)

ms_jeeves

oops... I re-read this and

oops... I re-read this and it didn't make a lot of sense.... I'm pretty stressed.

#17 Apr 4 - 12AM (Reply to #4)

Mariline

Prayng for you to find a job

Prayng for you to find a job near someone who cares for you ASAP. Stay strong and keep focused on practical things. Rebuild your life. You can and you will. And get advice for that report of sueing. Maybe is not a bad idea, but try to receive advice from a good lawyer. (((((((HUGS)))))))))))))) Remember: Safe People are people who draw you closer to who you were meant to be spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. They encourage you to be your most loving, growing self. (Emotional Abusers- Heartless Bitches International)

#18 Apr 4 - 12AM (Reply to #5)

ms_jeeves

I love that quote Marilene!

I love that quote Marilene! I've been seeing you post it in a few places and it's very appropriate for so many of us. Thank you! Thank you too for the hugs and prayers. Later this week I'm going to talk to a lawyer who I trust. I'm sure he'll talk me out of it but it will be good to talk it out. I have to first make sure I take care of myself. I know that I'm lucky to even have a job, even if it's on Guam. BUT... it would be so much better to have a job where I'm not 10,000 miles away from my family and closest friends.

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