manipulated again...Please help.

"As the relationship begins to become pathologically - driven and his crazy-making increases instead of running for the hills she is likely to stay and battle it out. She’s not afraid to try to make a point and certainly doesn’t want him to “get one over on her.” Her ability to withstand and go head-to-head with a psychopath “to not take his crap” is dangerous to her mental health. She would rather stay and fight than flee. Her competitiveness is likely to have kept her in the relationship longer than if she were less competitive. While competitiveness in business or sports is a bonus trait to have, in relationships with psychopaths it is a handicap not a bonus. Competitiveness keeps her in the ring being battered about by pathology and mad that she can’t continue to hold her own with someone so deviant. Women get significantly damaged by staying and thinking they can “outsmart him” or “give it to him” before they exit. Their normal personality structure and psychology are no match for an abnormally personality disordered psychopath. He doesn’t get hurt by competitiveness but they will undoubtedly get hurt by exposure to more psychopathic abuse. ~~~~~~~~ Dichotomies are the division into “two contradictory parts or opinions.” In this instance we refer to the two contradictory parts or opinions of the psychopath. This is what comprises the Jekyll/Hyde personality of the psychopath. It represents the inconsistent and totally contradictory statements, behaviors, and beliefs that make women feel like they are “going crazy” in the relationship. She begins to question her own experiences, beliefs, and thoughts. The more he ingrains the belief that their relationship is normal, not the other ones she has had, the more she begins to think she is “crazy” or something is wrong with her that she doesn’t understand the basics of what makes a good relationship. Once he convinces her that their relationship is normal, then he can start to shift her reality further and further off base. He sets up a double bind where she begins to work harder at the pathological relationship (based on her high relationship investment) while he is telling her she just isn’t measuring up. The double bind keeps her jumping through his hoops while he sits on the sidelines telling her to jump even higher. The harder she works, the more she fails. Psychopaths will go to great lengths to inflict psychological devastation, because they enjoy the process. They will agree to changes and then act as if they never had the conversation about the changes. They will admit behaviors when caught and later deny they admitted them. They will get caught red-handed and later deny she ever saw, heard, or found out what he did. He will use other accomplices to validate his stories to increase her sensation that she is going crazy. ~~~~~~~~~ Children with a psychopathic father are exposed to the same level of aftermath symptoms that their mothers have experienced. The psychopath is not father material! As much as the psychopath likes to fake a lot of different behaviors in relationships, fake parenting is not one that should be tolerated. Fathers with psychopathic traits go to great lengths to appear to be good parents. As one woman said, “He acted like the ‘father of the year’ in public with the baby, but the minute he got home, he would toss the baby (in car seat) on the table and play video games.” After the relationship is established, and the psychopathic man feels secure in his position of dominance, he shows his true colors. He rules the roost and manipulates the children just as he does their mother. One woman said, “The kids were like servants that had to behave and do things perfect or else. He would control every aspect of their lives. They were never good enough, he never would say good job. He controlled with fear.” This controlling domineering behavior typically alternates with extreme permissiveness, as another woman revealed, “What he provided wasn’t any kind of care. He doesn’t change diapers or cleanup after them, etc. He allows them to run wild while he watches TV. The dog would go days without being cared for while he did his thing.” Many women have confided to us that they feel very guilty for supporting a psychopathic man in his court battles against a former partner. Psychopaths are convincing liars and tell stories about former partners being psychologically unstable and abusing them and the children. The men often use the children to continue to control and terrorize a former partner. One woman said, “He used his kids as pawns and encouraged them to hate their stepfather and view their mother as being in the wrong. He portrayed himself as a big victim of her unfair attitudes and rules and encouraged his kids to also view her in that light. But he would always end his criticism of her by saying, “But I’m not saying she’s a bad mother.” Yeah right…” It is common for a woman to remain pathologically attached to a psychopathic man even in the face of his blatant psychological abuse of her children. When women are able to break away from the relationship, they remain damaged and distracted with their desire to reunite with the psychopath. During the time women are depressed, dysfunctional, and desiring the psychopath, children are left without the focused and functional mothering they need to thrive. This is one of the reasons that focused and effective treatment is so important for women who love psychopaths. She must raise her level of functioning for the sake of her children and for herself. She will not to be able to detach until she gets the symptoms of depression and anxiety under control. Children who have consistent nurturing and are trauma-free through their teen years, have a good chance of being normal (unless they are very genetically predisposed to psychopathy). However, children who are born to pathological parents, mentally ill parents, or addicts who don’t provide these emotional and environmental necessities, may develop what we call “holes” in their emotional development. These holes in the soul are the deficits and represent all the good things that the child did not get. The personality structure then continues to grow “around” the missing elements that the child needed (like love, discipline, etc.). This growing around the critical elements is what produces the holes in the soul. The child had to grow in spite of not getting what he or she needed. In some ways, it is admirable and even adaptive that the child can keep going forward despite what he or she isn’t getting. If there was emotional, physical, or sexual abuse or general neglect, then the child’s emotional development could have been stunted. When people say children are “permanently marred by abuse or neglect,” what they are really referring to is that the child has developed a personality disorder from the abuse. The absence of what s/he needed, when s/he needed it, creates a personality disorder. Since personality disorders are formed in childhood and adolescence, we see the beginnings of possible pathology in behavioral problems in children and teens with: ADHD Reactive Attachment Disorder Oppositional Defiant Disorder Child Conduct Disorder Women are afraid to terminate relationships with men they discover are psychopaths because they are afraid that children will be harmed during unsupervised visitation. Harm to children from the psychopath occurs through blatant abuse, modeling of aggressive and hostile behavior and by inconsistent discipline. There is no doubt that all studies point to the fact that the biologic children of psychopathic men are better off if they have little or no contact with their fathers. Sandra Brown, MA - WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Cost-Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/