MaryLee's story

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#1 Jan 9 - 4PM
MaryLee
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MaryLee's story

I am 67 years old, I've been married for 48 years, and I am finally going to file for divorce and move out. I have been reading and learning about narcissists and psychopaths for 4-5 years now and am convinced that both my father and my husband fit somewhere in these categories.

My husband is a serial cheater, and years ago I dragged him, "kicking and screaming," into the 12-step approach to try to "cure" his sex addiction. I spent about ten years in those rooms, and in therapist's offices, working on me, hoping he was working on himself.

There was a long period of time--about ten years--when I came to believe that while we still had problems the cheating had become a thing of the past. My bottom line has always been to do what I saw as in the best interests of the family (first the children and later, even, the grandchildren), and I believed I could do that better married than single. I put up with a lot of grief and pain I shouldn't have had to put up with.

Then several years ago, after believing the marriage was adultery-free, it surfaced again. This time, instead of hookers, it was porn. More group work later, I believed we were on track again. In fact--for the first time ever--he had started reading and bringing me literature about improving ones marriage and asking me to listen to shows and talks with him. He had told me he understood why I had pulled away and he wanted me to be vulnerable to him again. I dared to hope and opened up just a bit, letting my guard down.

Then came a string of surgeries for him: both knees completely replaced, one of them twice, then one of his feet collapsed and we had a two-year grind of getting him through unbelievable procedures (three more surgeries) requiring incredible support from my end to avoid amputation of that foot. There was almost a year trying to heal a pressure sore on the bottom of his foot that required daily dressing. While the final surgery cured that, he still cannot walk unaided. During that time, I myself survived a massive bilateral pulmonary embolism which left me with permanent lung damage. In spite of this, I continued to care for him. He says he could not have asked for better care.

On February 13, 2013, I came home from work to have my disabled sister, who I had living with us at the time, tell me we had to talk and I needed to sit down. He had propositioned her. Over the next few days it turns out he had been up to his old hooker stuff plus the porn plus fantasizing about some kind of illicit thing with my disabled sister in our own home until he tried to act on it. Fortunately, even though he is not trustworthy, my sister is and she told me immediately.

The reasons we don't just walk out the door at a point like that are many, and some of them are very real and practical. I am sure I don't need to defend that to anyone here. It's taken me a long time to get over the shock and get my head around what I need to do. Since he doesn't want me to leave, he's gone into his charming self to try to get me to stay, and part of my struggle is absolutely not letting myself believe that what I am seeing is what I have--for 48 years now--so much wanted to be true but isn't.

While I could not immediately move out of the house, I did immediately move out of the bedroom. His going into his charming self to try to get me to stay has given me time to get my mud together and carefully plan. Slowly, I am getting over my own fears of what life might be like out there alone as a 67-year-old woman. For now, at least, I still have my job/career and if God gives me strength to work until I am 75 years old, I can see a path where I can make it on my own until I die. (Ns, of course, do not really do retirement planning.) Truth is, I've been wanting to live all by myself for years now, and am beginning to see possibilities I had never entertained before.

Reading--internet, books, blogs such as this one--and educating myself about this personality disorder has made it more and more clear to me what I am dealing with. If I had been able to have this clarity decades ago I would no doubt have made other choices, but here I am. He is not physically abusive, but is very subtly emotionally abusive (oh, yeah, and did I mention that he cheats?), and it's all so clear to me now. Because I was raised by a narcissistic father who molested me, you can understand why, in spite of years of therapy and enjoying a great deal of healthy recovery, this whole narcissist thing has been hard to figure out and I have a mind that just will figure things out if it kills me. Well, maybe it almost did. Whether the information wasn't out there or I just wasn't ready to receive it, I cannot say, but I was not aware of these personality disorders until about five years ago. Now, everything I have ever struggled with in my life and marriage makes so much more sense when I understand it from living with this pattern of abuse.

I am no longer questioning myself. I do feel bereft at losing something I was so heavily invested in keeping. I am broken-hearted at the way things are, but they are what they are. I will most likely never know how it feels to have the genuine love of a healthy spouse. Oh, well. I am feeling a growing need to know what my life will be like--what I will be like--years after the Ns in my life no longer have a direct impact on me.

My father died a couple of years ago, and shortly after I learned of his death a very surprising thing happened. I had dealt with the abuse he had dished out, had forgiven him but decided that he was simply a dry well and had very limited contact. I did not expect to feel anything at all when he died. So imagine my surprise when a little song starting playing in my head: "Ding dong, the witch is dead..." It made me laugh. When I shared that with my husband, he said "I wonder what you will sing when I die."

Interesting, no? So I don't see my husband as evil, but on the other hand he knows much more about what he is doing than he lets on. A therapist once told me that my husband knows exactly what he is doing. As so many have pointed out, it's just that he is not capable of caring. He is not, by being evil, choosing not to care. It's that he has been, by nature of trauma/neglect issues in his own family of origin, been rendered unable to care--been rendered emotionally "stupid." His mind and body grew up, but his inner self is stuck at about three years old. He has no idea who he is or what to do with his sexuality. He has no idea who his family is or how to have healthy relationships with us. Because his job has been a major source of N supply, the family at least benefitted from that.

I knew we were both hurt kids who were attracted to each other. I felt all kinds of compassion for his hurt. I have tried to care enough for both of us, but it just doesn't work. If I sacrifice and he benefits while I lose, I might justify continuing to do so until I am completely spent and it is too late to save myself. But it doesn't work that way. I cannot help him. I can only save myself.

I guess I am here not to find answers because I feel like I finally get this, finally understand what I have been living with all these years. I have worked hard on myself and have survived relatively intact, although I won't know until I am years out just how much better off I will be. I am here simply to enjoy the community of those who understand. I know I don't need to tell any of you how many others are "out there" all too willing to blame and pathologize us for what we have been through. So not only am I going to get the N out of my life, but I will be very selective about who is allowed in from here on out.

Best to you all,
MaryLee

Feb 7 - 11PM
DiscoveringDeb
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Fascinating thread!

Feb 7 - 1PM
MaryLee
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Stress

Jan 14 - 1PM
Portia
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Eventually it will be humorous, MaryLee

Jan 14 - 4PM (Reply to #21)
MaryLee
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I know you are right, Portia.

Jan 14 - 6PM (Reply to #22)
Portia
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Time and Circumstance

Jan 12 - 11PM
Janie53
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MaryLee

Jan 10 - 12PM
MaryLee
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Standard advice doesn't work with Ns

Jan 11 - 9AM (Reply to #16)
Abigail
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MaryLee, similar thoughts...

Jan 12 - 6PM (Reply to #17)
MaryLee
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Similar thoughts...

Jan 12 - 11PM (Reply to #18)
Abigail
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Similar thoughts 3

Jan 10 - 9AM
spinning
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Welcome MaryLee,

spinning

Jan 10 - 1PM (Reply to #13)
MaryLee
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Thanks!

Jan 13 - 6PM (Reply to #14)
Abigail
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Good aphorism!

Jan 9 - 8PM
Lorelie123
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Thank you very much for

Jan 9 - 8PM
StrongasDandelion
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Dear MaryLee - big hug!!

Jan 10 - 1PM (Reply to #10)
MaryLee
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Good for your mom...and you, too!

Jan 9 - 8PM
Abigail
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MaryLee, WELCOME!!

Jan 10 - 1PM (Reply to #8)
MaryLee
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It is never too late

Jan 10 - 10AM (Reply to #6)
Abigail
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P.S., MaryLee

Jan 10 - 1PM (Reply to #7)
MaryLee
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Keeping me honest

Jan 9 - 7PM
Time-for-change
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I want you to know I am so PROUD of you!!!!

Jan 10 - 1PM (Reply to #4)
MaryLee
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Don't dis yourself...

Jan 9 - 5PM
Hunter
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Welcome to Narcville, It's

Jan 10 - 1PM (Reply to #2)
MaryLee
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Yep...