Michele115/TLSM

Maybe it comforts you to know, I was the younger woman. And he has chosen not to be with me, has chosen older women, and not even this, he told me how much he loves them, not only one, this one and that one, everyone, of course not me. And the reasons were: "you are too young", "how would I look with a woman like you". Although one gf he has was even younger than me, but she was no girl "he could show his mother". Dont you ever get caught up in their word salad, and dont you ever get caught up it has anything to do with your looks, your age, or what not. The only reason why they didnt want you anymore, is, you are too strong for him, and he sensed it. No other reason. They would choose grandma over you, or a lolita, as long as she is a submissive supply. Big hugs

Okay my dear... You said: am still obsessing about him with the younger girl. I'm feeling very insecure about my looks and feel "old". I haven't met you in person TLSM, so I could blow smoke up your skirt and say all these things but then you'd call me a liar cause I've never met you so I will tell you what I know not having seen you in person fair enough? FIRST - you said you were good looking, and I have to believe that is true. Secondly, I believe that when we are good people our beauty shines through even more. Ever notice how even sometimes those who might be considered "plain" or "unattractive" somehow grow on you because they're so beautiful inside? Let's be honest, there are raving beauties and then there are the plain janes and then there are "ugly" folks, and before we get to know any of them, human nature being what it is, we do make an assement of one's looks; however, I've noticed from my personal experience, that even those whom upon first meeting I thought might not be THAT attractive, over time, getting to know them, they somehow become at least in my eyes, very beautiful, you start to notice things about them and just see them in a different light - maybe that is soul connecting or something, but its something I've noticed. SO that being said, I don't think you're unattractive, but lets just say that you were...I really don't think that someone who really had the capacity to love and somone that had true depth, someone who had his principals, and values in the right place would even really really bank on that. SURE looks help attract but there are plenty of beautiful people walking around that are downright crappy and their ugliness starts to make an outward appearance once you get to know them well, equally there are some very unattractive women walking around and they're walking around with husbands and/or partners and are very happy and I attribute this to the age old saying: Beauty is only skin deep. As far as age goes...we all age...and there is a shoe for every foot and with each stage of life, we gain different things, more wisdom, more strength, more character, there are a lot of things you have developed because of your "age" that this chickie can't hold a candle to! That is the truth - AND it says something about him - because it is CLEAR that he has to be with a younger woman because she's not 'wise' yet and boy will she be when he's done with her! AND that ain't a good thing...if you know what I mean. I feel kinda sorry for her, but until she finds her way here, my loyalty is to YOU...but know she will end up on one of these boards one day and when she does you will be healed, and would have moved on and may even feel sorry for her...but you won't know about it cause you're moving on so don't look for her you keep moving ahead...just remember what I'm telling you - you can buy me a drink...;) I really need to be convinced that he will hurt her too. This is still a step one issue - understanding it. To truly understand this disorder, to own what it means, you would know that because of the disorder, they do this to everyone...and they will continue to do it to everyone until some method of cure is found. I don't want to get into all the studies or the debate of can it be cured, blah, blah, blah...there are conflicting theories, but the fact is that even if it can be cured it will take a very long time and there is still no guarantee. They could learn how to better FAKE love but they CANNOT attach PERIOD. SO...with that...I'm pretty certain she's in for some serious hurt. I know that sounds bad, but I need to hear it. No it doesn't sound bad - your ego has been battered, your self esteem pulverized as a result of the narc attack, it's a natural normal feeling and it will pass. You're not expected to rise to the occasion with grace, you're here to rant and rave and let it out, lick your wounds and spew venom until there is no more left then you can heal. This is the safe place to do that, the only place where you can let every irrational thought out without anyone batting an eyelash!...So what if they all think we're crazy!...LMAO! We're not and that is the truth! I promise you that... She is young and worships him and prob will never stand up to him. Right now she worships him, it's the honeymoon period - she might stay a while, but one day, she'll have about enough then she'll get wise...how long, I can't say but if she stick around trust me...you wouldn't want to be her...she will be so depleted and such a shell...it won't be a pretty sight...she won't look so young anymore...trust me... So I am thinking he will never hurt her. From what I've written so far, have your thoughts changed yet? Why/why not? She will do whatever he wants. She is perfect for him. Maybe...but more important...how much of the disorder do you not only "understand" but own? What are the facts of the disorder? The general facts?

Glad you came back a few steps...doesn't matter that you're nc that doesn't mean you're really at "step three" just means you are at NC...makes sense? Until you own all of this and are really clear on this you won't be indifferent...see the meat of this what will determine your ability to STAY NC is how much you really own and understand it..the bulk of the work is in getting it out and really processing it. GOOOD I feel good at least that we've established where you are...I'm sorry you are where you are but for where you are you're still in a good place. Let's dissect a little: You said: I guess the second-guessing I am doing is from the guilt that I feel for not trying harder and from being so stubborn. You don't feel you tried hard enough? What else do you think you could have done differently? could you share some examples...? Why do you feel you were stubborn? Can you give some examples here? I am trying not to "What if" it, but that part is hard because he did put in more effort than I have. How? However, since we have been separated, he told people that this was my "test" to see if I loved him enough to put out the effort and since I didn't chase after him, he found someone else. Does this make sense to you? From what you understand about NPD and/or personality disorders, can you justify your thoughts? AND there is no right or wrong answer, I'm just trying to get a better understanding as i don't know all the facts, only you do but maybe together we can weed through it and get to a place of understanding that is the "truth" for you...its all about processing the thoughts and sometimes we need someone objective to point things out we cant see clearly because our mind is clouded....